Belief: Chapter 7

Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn.
- George Bernard Shaw

Rob stood near the back of the sanctuary, still trying to get up the nerve to go inside. It seemed so holy – so unfit for a person like him. It was there, lurking near the back, that he overheard Gabe sharing what little he knew of Alex’s condition with Julia. It wasn’t long before Micah and Missy joined them, feigning interest. And Kenzie and Jared entertained the edges of the gathering, not quite admitting their curiosity.

“I don’t know how you do it,” Rob muttered, almost to himself.

The murmur of voices momentarily stopped, and all eyes turned toward him.

It was Sunday and somehow, the core of the group had gathered at the coffee bar outside the sanctuary. Kylie had asked Rob to church, since that was the one day a week he didn’t work. She insisted Elise would have fun, since Belle was there, and Rob had warily agreed to go. Alex’s surgery was the next day, and instead of seeking her out in the sanctuary, the majority of them were gossiping quietly outside.

Missy spoke first. “Don’t know how we do what?” she asked suspiciously.

Rob was ready for the question. He’d been ready since the first time he’d set foot in their little group every Thursday night. “I don’t know how you can sit there and systematically alienate people,” he said simply, hoping his nonchalant tone would spark a response. He was so ready for this.

“Dude, where did this come from?” Micah wondered, annoyed at the attack.

“Hell, Micah, I don’t know,” Rob asked, his volume rising with anger. “Maybe from the fact that I come to your meetings every week, and none of you have yet to even stop me, and ask how I’m doing. Maybe it’s because you look at my sister like she’s below you, without even bothering to ask what brought us to that point!” Rob stopped for a moment, noticing some of the official looking church people staring at them.

He stalked toward the doors, and they followed him, stunned at the show of emotion. Most of them had barely heard him speak two words since his arrival.

Rob turned on them again, once the doors shut, seeing the shock in their eyes but not caring. His jaw tightened and his eyes blazed. “I hear you whining all the time,” he turned to Missy, with no remorse, “About how it’s so tough working two jobs, and you have a house to keep. At least you have the option of working two jobs, and a house that’s not in the ghetto!” he exclaimed.

Missy gaped, speechless for the first time.

“Try living in the worst neighborhood, working one job, because that’s all you have the option of working, and trying to pay off thousands of dollars in medical expenses. Try living with the possibility of going to custody hearings in between since nobody in Elise’s life gives a damn about her, and her mother would rather keep an abusive son-of-a-bitch around than her own daughter.

“My sister used to be just exactly like that Belle, who’s been so good to her. Until she had the shit beat out of her by my mother’s boyfriend! She got everything taken from her, and yet all any of you can see is that she’s messed up. She’s weepy and probably a hell of a burden to me, right? Don’t think I don’t see how you look at her! Well here’s a news flash for all you arrogant, self-righteous jerks. Elise is all the family I have. She’s my blood and when you look down on her for no reason other than your own insensitivity, I’m gonna notice!” Rob seethed.

“You treat me like shit by ignoring me, you treat Elise like shit judging her. You’re treating Kylie like she’s on some lower level of spirituality because she had the guts to step up and love me for who I am, despite the fact that I don’t share her faith. She doesn’t preach to me, she just shows me I matter enough for her to become a part of my life, and help me with Elise. And now you bunch of posers are back here gossiping about Alex, instead of talking to her. Do you know that she was one of the only people who went out of her way to include me? And she’s got her own crap to deal with! Andrew and Belle are my sister’s age, and they went out of their way to buy us groceries and cook dinner for us. They showed us they cared. And where the hell were any of you?”

Rob turned suddenly, and walked back inside, leaving the half dozen of them stunned, staring after him.

Quietly, he took a seat in the pew Kylie had occupied. He watched the worship with interest, while still furious at the indifference he encountered.

Slowly, though, Rob felt his anger lessening as he watched his girlfriend with her arm around Alex. The younger was doubled over, uncharacteristically grieved, while Kylie knelt nearby, rubbing her back.

Rob saw a flash of blonde and turned his attention to the right hand corner of the sanctuary. Elise was there, holding the hands of a tiny girl, who looked like a smaller version of herself. The two danced awkwardly, but both were smiling, and clearly, in their own world, as music washed over them. He saw Belle nearby, waving the Turkish flag, and Andrew off in another corner, just standing there, his eyes closed in concentration.

Worship gradually ended, and Kylie came back to her seat, putting a hand comfortingly on Rob’s back. He didn’t know how she always seemed to know when he needed that.

They sat through the sermon, Rob, feeling sadness steal over him with the memory of attending church as a young teenager with both his parents and Elise. He doubted if Elise, just finishing kindergarten could recall any of the time their father was alive, but he secretly hoped she could. Rob also hoped she could remember that once upon a time she had a daddy, and he loved her more than anything.

--

After church, Andrew walked up to Rob, patting his pocket and grinning.

“You three wanna come out to lunch with us? Grandma Sadie,” he pointed out the church’s resident grandmother. “Well, she gave me money during the service. I thought we could go out and get a pizza. Are you and Kylie up for it? Belle already invited Elise.”

Rob glanced around to find Kylie. “Maybe, but we should probably get home,” he pandered though he already knew he wanted to go.

“Come on…” Andrew badgered good-naturedly. “I’ve never seen a guy turn down pizza.” Andrew socked him in the arm.

“Okay, okay, lay off,” Rob laughed, feeling relieved that he hadn’t seen any of the rest of the crowd he had blasted, since he’d given them a piece of his mind earlier.

They all managed to squish into Andrew’s car, he and Rob in the front and Kylie, Belle and Elise in the back. Rob felt more at ease than he had in recent memory having his two favorite people, and two great kids around him.

They arrived at the restaurant within minutes, and Rob Elise and Kylie pressed into one side of the booth, while Belle and Andrew took the other side, insisting that this particular side of the booth was reserved for big-butted girls.

“Oh no!” Belle exclaimed, her big-butted comment causing a thought to come to her suddenly. “We forgot to invite Alex!” Belle pulled her cell phone out and called, insisting that she had to come and eat pizza with them, because it would make her feel a lot better.

While she worked on Alex, Kylie and Andrew smirked at each other and switched places, deciding to make that side of the booth official. Andrew slid in next to Elise, and Kylie joined Belle.

“Alex you have to come, because we have a spot for you reserved with me and Kylie. It’s for us well-endowed girls…in the hind region,” she explained. And that had done it. In minutes Alex had driven over, comically launching into the booth and leaning hard into Kylie and Belle.

“Kids!” Andrew called, “We gotta figure out what to order!” He turned his attention to Elise, who had been quietly watching all the action with a little smile on her lips. “What do you like? This side of the table can be the ordering side, since they’re busy over there,” he waved off the other side of the booth.

“Just plain,” she said, shrugging. Her eyes shined as she watched the girls on the other side. She had never seen Kylie have so much fun before.

“Just plain pepperoni?” he guessed.

Elise nodded.

“’Lise!” Alex whined “Don’t you wish you were a big-butted girl?” she extended a hand dramatically across the table in an attempt to bridge the distance of the table and make contact. She stretched feebly, but gave up after a few seconds.

“Yeah, I do,” Elise laughed hard, after swatting away Alex’s hand.

Rob looked around Andrew at his sister and then at the other side of the table. “Elise and I could snap you girls like twigs,” his mouth curved up in a secretive smile.

“I’m offended!” Belle gasped.

Kylie had tears streaming down her cheeks from laughing so hard. She was glad to be between Alex and Belle, because she couldn’t imagine the noise and trouble they could make if they were beside one another.

The pizzas arrived, and in moments, the loud rambunctious table fell into silence as they ate.

“Grandma Sadie?” Alex asked, raising an eyebrow at Andrew.

He nodded, swallowing.

“How do you get all the luck? She never gives me any money,” she balked.

“It could be because I don’t hound her for candy every week,” he teased, knowing Alex still couldn’t resist giving Sadie a hug just because it always meant she’d walk away with a sweet.

“I don’t have to hound her,” Alex defended. “She gives it to me.”

“Yeah, that’s how it happens…” Kylie winked.

“So your surgery’s tomorrow?” Rob asked suddenly.

“Yeah, thanks for bringing that up,” Alex ribbed, smirking.

“Hey, I had something to tell you, Alex. Actually, God has something to tell you, so you can take it with you tomorrow.” Belle took a breath, and began reciting from memory.

“That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.

“So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us--who was raised to life for us!-is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

“They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.

“None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing--nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable--absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.”

Belle smiled at Alex. “You recognize that?” she asked sweetly. “Romans 8:28-39? I memorized it from The Message just for you.”

Alex had paused, her pizza part way to her mouth, to listen to Belle recite. She knew she preferred New International Version and others that sounded more eloquent, but she had purposely gone and memorized out of the version Alex had, just because she wanted it to ring as true as possible, in modern day language.

Speechless, Alex just stared. Finally managing, “Man, I’ve never heard anyone memorize that much scripture before.”

Rob squinted across the table at Kylie. “Do you have that Bible?”

“Not that one. But Alex has it.”

Digging in her backpack, Alex pulled it out and gave it to him. “You can borrow it, if you want,” she offered.

Only Kylie knew the significance of what Alex was proposing. Kylie doubted she ever saw Alex anywhere without it. While she didn’t carry it obviously in her day to day life, it was almost always hidden away in her backpack as it was now, so that she always had it to turn to.

Rob took the book cautiously, studying the cover. He’d never seen a Bible look so modern, or come across so clear to him. “Are you sure?” he asked, not missing the surprised look that Kylie couldn’t hide.

“Yeah, totally. Go for it. I made little notes in there and stuff, but if you don’t mind that, go ahead and hold onto it.”

She turned to Belle. “Thanks. I needed that.” Alex said honestly.

Elise looked over Rob’s shoulder and finally couldn’t resist, and took the book from his hands to flip through it. She was instantly captivated by the colorful inserts, and arrows Alex had decorated certain passages with. “Where’s the one you said, Belle?” she asked handing the Bible across the table.

Alex sat back, just watching everything unfold, knowing that most of the time, miracles didn’t happen in big flashy moments, but simple things that came about through obedience and love. Though she felt a tangible loss at giving up her Bible, she knew it would serve Rob and Elise more

“Can we do anything for you, baby?” Kylie asked softly, while distraction momentarily took over the table.

“Just try to keep me sane…” she kidded. “This is like, the scariest thing for me.”

“I can’t imagine,” Kylie murmured sympathetically. “But you can stay with us as long as you want today. If you wanna just forget about it and enjoy yourself, we’ll do that, if you wanna talk about it, we can do that, too. I know you didn’t get much chance to the other night, and I hope you don’t mind that Rob passed it on to me.”

“I don’t. I know you didn’t miss it on purpose. You were just busy.” Alex dismissed.

Kylie shook her head. “Don’t make excuses for me. I should have heard you out. The whole room of us should have heard you out, but we didn’t. And I can’t speak for them, but I’m real sorry.” Kylie apologized.

Alex nodded gratefully, needing, more than anyone realized the assurance that she mattered.

--

Elise sat idly in the recliner, still holding the Bible that Alex had lent them. She had taken to scanning the pages for the telltale red, blue, or purple pen that so often pointed something out. There were questions, song lyrics, and passages underlined.

Up until now, Elise had never even heard of anyone writing in their Bible. It seemed to her that they were sacred, only to be touched on Sundays, only to be read in the service – not that she had ever been to one aside from today, since before she was six years old. Back then, she had sat quietly with her parents and Robby, trying to listen and follow along with the hymns that were sung, but she was barely old enough to read, and couldn’t yet follow along, so she’d pretended.

She stared at Alex’s Bible. It seemed so personal, so dear to her. And the language wasn’t confusing either. Right when they’d arrived home, Rob had sat down with it, and hadn’t put it down for an hour. Elise had needed to put off her curiosity until now, and since she never slept easily it was a nice distraction from that.

Elise flipped to the beginning and read until her eyes grew tired. She read about how God had created the world. She thought she remembered hearing her daddy tell her that story at night before bed, but she couldn’t be sure.

Before she could drift off, she crept into Robby’s room, curling up on the edge of his bed. She was pretty sure he would never allow it, but she climbed in, nevertheless. Once she was in, and under the covers, she opened the Bible to a random page, and saw Alex’s handwriting.

WHOM SHALL I FEAR was written in all capital letters, and Elise looked closer at the date beneath it.

It was today’s. She must have written it during church.

The words were strangely comforting to Elise, and she repeated them to herself as she fell asleep, leaving the Bible open on the table beside her.

--

Alex couldn’t hold back anymore. She knew it was late, but that was prime phone call time for her, and she needed to get answers out of Gabe before she went into surgery the next day. He had been distant ever since he’d gone with her to the doctor to get the biopsy done. She guessed she should have known that all those promises he made her about being there no matter what were just too good to be true.

She dialed his number and waited, staring at the glaring red numbers on her clock, mentally counting down the hours until she was to go to the hospital, and then, from there, how many hours were left until the surgery would begin. She cringed. Only six more. She wondered how much sleep she would be getting that night, and doubted it would be much.

“Gabe,” Alex called, feeling irritated that he still wasn’t answering.

There had been a time when she could call anytime, and his phone would barely ring once before he picked it up, sounding concerned.

Now, it was on its fifth ring, and kicking over to voice mail.

“Hey, it’s Gabe. You know what to do.”

“That message was lame,” Alex said, “And I’m calling you back, so you better pick up.” She turned her phone off and on again quickly and re-dialed. She did this about three more times before Gabe finally answered.

“What?” he asked, sounding almost annoyed.

“You did not just talk to me that way,” Alex warned. She had been prepared to give adequate time for Gabe to explain his behavior, but this was just too much. She doubted he even knew her surgery date was in a few hours. “What is going on with you?” she challenged.

“I don’t wanna fight with you,” he conceded, wanting more than anything just to sleep.

“Well too bad,” her tone was biting, and dared him to try compromising again.

He sat up, trying to orient himself, and ignore the tremendous bad feelings churning inside him. He knew what this call was about. He’d been expecting it.

“What is this? You tell me you’ll be here for me, and then you act like a coward and run the other way?” She was angry, and didn’t care whether or not she hurt him. His lack of presence and care had hurt her so deeply, she doubted he could understand.

“It’s not like that,” Gabe denied, feeling stunned that she would say something so cruel.

Alex let out a breath. “What’s it like then? Tell me, Gabe, ‘cause I’d really like to know. What? I mean, did you just decide after we had coffee that you couldn’t handle it?”

“Kind of…” he admitted. “It was a lot to see, Alex. I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just can’t deal with seeing people hurt.”

Alex closed her eyes. She didn’t need all this stress the night before her operation – she was stressed enough as it was.

“You know what I can’t deal with, Gabe? I can’t deal with people who aren’t honest with me,” her voice had gone quiet, remembering her parents asleep in the house as well.

“I never lied to you,” he objected.

“You promised me you’d be here for me through this, and when it got too hard, you bailed,” she pointed out, angrily.

Gabe was speechless. He felt like scum, never imagining himself to be the kind of friend that would leave someone when they needed him the most.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized helplessly.

“There have been so many times when I’ve needed you to just ask me how things are going with this, and you’ve avoided me. That sucks, because you know I’d be there for you.” Alex insisted. “It made me feel like I didn’t count for crap in your eyes.”

Gabe stayed quiet, not interrupting, because she was right.

Tears pricked Alex’s eyes, and she fought them back. She didn’t want to guilt Gabe into doing anything, but it was difficult. There was a reason she had chosen to take the bull by the horns and call Gabe the night before – to say what she needed to say. Because come the next day, and she might not have a voice.

“Are you okay?” Gabe asked, concerned.

“My surgery’s tomorrow,” she admitted. The unspoken remained for him – an opportunity to redeem himself – to offer to visit the next day.

“When will you be back at Micah’s?”

She sighed. “In about a week if everything goes well.”

Gabe couldn’t miss the defeat in her tone, but that was the best he could do. He couldn’t very well go making more promises that he knew he couldn’t keep. That would just make everything worse.

“Well, I’ll see you then. I’m sorry about all this, but I’ll be praying for you,” he assured.

“Yeah, thanks,” Alex returned, feeling now more than ever like his last statement contained nothing more than empty words.

She lay back and stared into the darkness, trying to convince herself she had done the right thing, despite that she felt more anxious than before. At least she had said what was on her heart. She just wished she could see some conclusive answer, instead of just a cliché.

Belief: Chapter 6

We shall show mercy, but we shall not ask for it.
- Sir Winston Churchill

Alex felt herself growing sick at the thought of sharing what she had to tonight. She was prepared to go into it right away, before they had a chance to go off on other topics of conversation. She wasn’t going to break in dramatically, she would simply tell them.

But it was proving difficult. Alex’s heart ached watching Kenzie warble along to some song on the radio. Alex recognized it, as she did almost every song that played, but wished she didn’t. Alex couldn’t imagine just breaking in and sharing this news. She hadn’t even told Gabe what her results showed.

She still felt anxiety numb her whenever she thought about it. They weren’t definitive. No cancer to speak of, but there was no way to know for sure. Just that thought was enough to drive Alex crazy, she was sure. She would have almost preferred to have been told she had cancer, because at least that way she would know. Doctors were taking the precaution of surgery to remove the node anyway, simply because it was so difficult to tell one way or the other.

Alex had purposely worn her hair up that night, hoping the small bandage she wore would spark curiosity. Instead, she felt unspeakable hurt at Micah’s bold speculation of love bites and insensitive questioning of her character.

Silently, Alex watched as everyone carried on. Normally, she would have been right in the middle of it all, but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it tonight. Her life was changing. She couldn’t pretend it wasn’t.

When Mikhail finally opened them all in prayer and then shared that they’d be praying for one another that night, Alex felt her face burn. She almost left, at the thought of everyone hypocritically bowing their heads and asking God for the same things they always did; patience, strength, to be a light, to show His love. But did their demeanor ever change?

She looked at Rob and Elise wondering why on earth they were still coming. Alex knew how they were treated. She knew no one had asked what Rob was dealing with or how Elise was feeling. And Alex almost felt more shame at their collective, unspoken attitude toward Kylie; their unfeeling judgment of her for dating a non-Christian, and for taking on this mother’s role, when she had no obligation to do so.

Alex rubbed her eyes wearily. More often now, she was questioning her commitment to this group of friends. But looking at them one by one even the newcomers like Belle, Andrew, Rob, Elise and Jared, Alex knew why she came, and she knew why she couldn’t leave them. God had a reason to have them all together like they were. He had a purpose for putting so many different kinds of people in a room together each week, and Alex knew that if she left, she’d be leaving an opportunity behind as well.

She listened attentively as Missy shared her difficulties on the job, and Jared confided his trouble getting used to living as a paraplegic. He still had dreams he was walking, he still woke up every day realizing again that his legs were useless. And Alex hadn’t thought twice before laying her hands on them both, fervently calling upon God to give them His peace.

A good portion of them had gotten prayer by the time people started to trickle out. They didn’t have an official time when things ended, but Alex still felt her pain increase as people left, and no one, not even Gabe had pulled her aside and asked her what was going on with her test results.

Before she lost her nerve, Alex stood and addressed the remaining people in the room.

“I just wanted to let you all know that I’m having surgery in a couple days.” People left even as she spoke. “And yeah…” she trailed off, feeling stupid for even opening her mouth.

Alex looked around. Chris hadn’t shown up that week, and Gabe had scurried off before she’d had the chance to say anything. Heaviness settled in her chest, and Alex quickly gathered her coat, and made for the door.

“Alex?” a voice she didn’t recognize called.

She turned, and saw Rob standing there, worry showing unmistakably in his eyes. Alex automatically sought out Elise and found her at the table, having a cookie with Belle and Andrew as Andrew did some impersonation of a drunk man singing. He was swaggering, slurring and holding an empty wine glass, much to Belle’s delight. He had clearly done this one before.

Elise looked at ease, and though she didn’t eat much of the cookie she held, Alex knew she was in the best company possible. Andrew had come alive suddenly in a way that Alex hadn’t previously seen. He definitely had his own spark that she was starting to see. Oftentimes, Andrew lingered in the shadows, as Belle went forward and was noticed for doing the honorable thing. Alex smiled. Andrew obviously had his own unique gifts, and Alex was glad that they were finally starting to show.

“Yes?” she questioned, feeling uncomfortable for reasons she didn’t know.

“I just wanted to let you know… I think it sucks nobody listened to you…” he trailed off. His voice was so quiet she had to lean in to hear it.

“It’s no big deal,” she shrugged. “They’re used to me standing up and making pointless announcements,” she dismissed.

Rob shook his head. “I just wanted…I mean if there’s anything we can do. At least let me know when and where, so Kylie can pray about it and stuff,” he offered.

“It’s Monday…and it’s on my thyroid. They’re removing something… It’ll be up at St. Joseph’s,” Alex relayed awkwardly, feeling strange sharing such personal details with a guy she barely knew.

“Elise is at St. Joseph’s sometimes. Maybe we can stop in, and say hi,” he said, smiling.

Alex relaxed, returning the smile. “Yeah, I’d love visitors. You can pass that on if you want.”

“I will,” Rob nodded. “Hey, and good luck with everything.”

And Alex waved behind her before disappearing out the door.

--

Rob was having an undeniably good day. Work had gone by fast, and Elise and Kylie were concocting something in the kitchen when he got home. Though they seemed to be doing just fine, Rob was never content just sitting still, especially when there was work to be done. So he set the table, listening to the two people he loved most carry on behind him about Rob’s many adventures trying to master grilled cheese.

Supper was enjoyable, though Rob always felt it went by too quickly. Elise actually seemed to be regaining an appetite, which made Rob unspeakably happy. Kylie had stayed long enough to help clean up and then had left to go back to her place.

Elise predictably sat at the table once it was cleared, and set to work on her latest assignment from the brain therapist, Carrie. She hated writing now. It looked childish, as she had not only lost a lot of her ability to figure out how to spell certain words, but the dexterity in her left hand had been affected. It was like learning to write all over again.

She heard the phone ring across the kitchen, and Rob went to pick it up.

“Hey, hon’ what’d you forget?” he greeted easily.

Elise smiled. Kylie was notorious for leaving her purse, sweatshirt, or some personal item behind once she left. It was a running joke that their goodbyes were never for long, since Rob would undoubtedly come by Kylie’s to drop the lost article back by her place.

But this was different, Elise realized almost immediately.

Rob’s face went pale, and he gripped the receiver. It was their mother.

“What do you want?” he asked coldly, his face becoming a mask of disdain.

“Why are you putting me through this?” the voice on the other end wept brokenly. “Insisting on dragging me through the courts, making the man I love look like a monster—“

Rob cut her off. “I’m putting you through this?” he asked lowly. “What about you?” he asked, aware of Elise sitting just behind him.

“Honey, I already lost your dad, and you and your sister. My husband’s in jail, now if you insist on taking Elise that’s fine. But haven’t we all been punished enough? Won’t you just let this court idea drop?” she begged.

“Why should I do anything for you?” Rob demanded. “And what about the hell we’ve been through? But I guess that doesn’t matter, since you’re not around to see the affect he still has on Elise! You’re not here night after night when she wakes up screaming until she has no voice left, because he terrorized her! You aren’t around to see her panic every time she goes in or out of our apartment because there’s a staircase! You didn’t sit in the hospital with her, day after day, just praying that she’d be able to wake up and recognize you! You didn’t do that because you made your choice, and it wasn’t her!”

Behind him, and forgotten, Elise trembled. She’d never heard Robby so angry before. He hadn’t even turned around when she’d choked out, “Don’t,” begging him to stop yelling at their mother.

Stumbling back, Elise managed to get out the door, while inside, Robby continued to scream at the woman on the phone, not even turning around.

--

Elise went next door, wishing she had found Kylie’s apartment, but too tired to remember where it was. Instead, she knocked at their neighbor’s.

Evelyn was an elderly lady in her sixties – she was sweet, exactly the way Elise envisioned Kylie to be when she was a grandmother. She invited Elise in right away, offering her a chair.

Elise forced herself to speak up, before Rob would have the chance to miss her. “Can I use your phone, please?”

“Sure, baby,” Evelyn brought the cordless to her, and stood back.

Elise tried to think clearly as she studied the blue ink on her hand. Belle had written down her number when she’d spent the night. Now Elise prayed she could read it, and dial correctly.

“Hello?” Belle’s voice.

Elise tried to speak, but her voice cut out, with the stress of the moment. She couldn’t remember her brother ever speaking to anyone like that, much less their mom.

“Hello?” Belle asked again, sounding a little more annoyed. Then, she hung up.

Determined, Elise called back, and waited. Predictably, Belle answered again. Elise took a couple deep breaths, trying to relax, so her voice would have more chance of coming back. But apparently nothing was soon enough for Belle, who promptly hung up, after hearing someone breathing for several seconds on the other end.

For a third time, Elise called back, and managed to squeak out a “don’t” before Belle got aggravated and hung up.

“Who is this?” Belle asked, realizing suddenly that she knew who the caller was, but couldn’t place the voice.

“’Lise… It’s Elise,” she finally managed.

“Elise? Where are you calling from? Are you okay?”

“No,” Elise admitted, thankful beyond words that she could answer a simple yes or no question rather than being forced to providing a lengthy explanation.

“Do you need me? I can come get you,” Belle offered, feeling a little concerned now. If Elise was calling her, then she obviously didn’t have the option of Rob or Kylie.

“Okay,” Elise nodded.

So Belle started on her way, and in fifteen minutes, she was there. On her way up to the apartments she kept Kylie’s words in the front of her mind. This was a bad neighborhood. So Belle had walked with a purposeful dignity that dared anyone to mess with her.

Elise was difficult to miss, hedging at the top of the stairs.

Belle walked quickly up them and met her, immediately taking her arm and walking down. Elise barely had time to think, or even to feel scared, because Belle was so sure. Seconds later, they were in Belle’s car.

“So, what’s going on?” Belle asked in a no-nonsense manner. Elise looked the way Belle predicted, based on her silence on the phone – overwhelmed.

Elise played with the cuff of one sleeve, trying to think of how she could convey everything that had gone on. It turned out that it was simpler than she imagined, because the words just came now that she was away from the stress.

“Robby was yelling at my mom on the phone,” she explained, trembling at the memory. “He was really mad at her for not being there for us when I was in the hospital.”

Belle kept quiet about how much she’d like to yell at their mother, too. Elise didn’t deserve a mother like that and neither did Rob. She forced herself to nod understandingly, not wanting Elise to go silent in fear again.

“He was really mad… He told her about my nightmares and stuff, and how I still don’t sleep…” her voice broke. “I just wish he wouldn’t do that. I know he’ll never let me go back, and I don’t even care about that, but he’s so upset about everything that happened. I wish he’d just know that it’s not her fault. It’s mine.” Elise dropped her head over her lap, letting her hair hang around her face, so Belle couldn’t see her tears.

Belle couldn’t stop her reaction this time, driving silently until they reached her own driveway. Once they pulled in, as expected, Elise remained in the seat. Belle took that opportunity to say what was needed.

“I thought you knew that when he hurt you, it was wrong,” Belle spoke tenderly, brushing the hair back out of Elise’s face.

Elise nodded, tipping her head slightly away from the touch she felt. “But he wouldn’t have had to if I’d just done what he asked of me…” her tone begged every word to be true. Elise could feel her speech start to leave her, and she wept.

Belle’s eyes filled with tears, and she scooted across the seat, and right next to Elise. “Sweetheart, nobody has the right to hurt anybody else. You’re no different. Nobody has the right to hurt you, even if you don’t do what they ask. That doesn’t matter. You’re a human being, and you didn’t deserve any of what was done to you. God never meant for people to treat each other in that way.” Belle felt tears wetting her face, and didn’t care. She held Elise, and begged God to show truth to this girl who was so broken.

For a long time, Elise just sat. Eventually relaxing into Belle’s embrace, and accepting the love she felt. Deep down inside she did know better. She was smart enough to know that people weren’t meant to hurt other people. She’d had a daddy who treated her well, so she knew what they were supposed to be like. It was just easier to excuse the behavior as acceptable punishment because she wasn’t worth any more than that, than it was to admit that neither her mom nor her stepfather loved her.

Finally, Elise pulled back and wiped her eyes.

“Hey, you wanna go meet my mama?” Belle asked, smiling.

Elise nodded, and together they went inside.

--

On the phone, Rob’s mom was sobbing now. “Can’t we just get past this huge courtroom drama? We don’t need that. If you want Elise, you can have her. I’ll sign the papers gladly, but there’s no need for a fight, don’t you see that? I don’t want her.”

Rob saw red, but managed a strained, “Fine,” before slamming the phone down, and turning his rage on the apartment. He couldn’t believe he was flesh and blood of such a woman.

Angrily, he overturned chairs, and even the kitchen table. It wasn’t until he turned the table over that Rob noticed the yellow paper fluttering to the floor. Then it hit him. Elise was gone.

In a moment, Rob felt sheer panic racing through him. He tore the apartment apart looking for where she might be. Foolishly, he thought back to when she was a child, and was prone to hiding in small spaces, so he checked every one in their cramped apartment. He didn’t find her.

Dashing out the door - too frazzled to realize that it had stood open - he rushed to Kylie’s door and pounded on it. She pulled it open, looking startled.

“Is Elise here?” he gasped.

Kylie shook her head.

“I lost her,” he explained in a rush. “My mother called and I was all over her and forgot completely that Elise was even there. I must have scared the shit out of her. I have no idea where she went…I lost her, and my mother wants to just sign her over to me… Where is she?” Rob’s eyes darted everywhere, as if he expected Elise to just appear out of nowhere.

Wordlessly, Kylie drew Rob to herself, and held him for a moment. “You’re doin’ just fine. Don’t worry about it. She can’t have gone too far. I’ll help you look.”

Together, they set out, looking up and down all the hallways, knowing that Elise would never navigate the stairs alone. They kept their search concentrated to the second floor. Unashamed, Kylie prayed steadfastly for guidance.

--

Elise had been introduced to Belle’s mother, Sherry, a portly, sweet woman, who reminded Elise of her grandmother or Grandma Sadie from church.

Belle and Elise had taken to relaxing on the couch.

“You believe what I said before?” Belle asked.

Elise shrugged, not wanting to admit that she even remembered the conversation. She had always hated crying, due to actual emotion, so it seemed extra cruel to have endured a head injury that caused random crying, in addition to the rest.

“What do you need convincing on?” Belle continued, harping on the subject, knowing perfectly well that Elise remembered their conversation.

“I don’t,” Elise denied.

“Girls,” Sherry called from the next room. “Belle, honey, does Elise’s family know where she is?”

Elise’s eyes went wide, thinking of Robby and Kylie searching high and low for her.

“It’s okay, we’ll call them.” Belle pulled out her cell phone and dialed Kylie’s number.

--

“Hi, Kylie? It’s Belle. Elise is with me. I picked her up.”

“Oh, thank You, Lord,” Kylie prayed. “She all right?”

“She’s fine. I just thought we should call.”

“All right, honey, thank you,” Kylie returned.

“Does Robby want to talk to her?” Belle asked.

Kylie gave a sidelong glance and decided. “No, that’s fine. Call a little later and we can come pick her up.”

With that, Kylie hung up and turned to Rob. “She’s all right. She’s with Belle,” Kylie reassured, hoping with that bit of news, he could relax.

But the stress had been too much for him. With the news that Elise was safe, he couldn’t keep it together anymore, falling against Kylie’s shoulder. She wasn’t sure what was going on until she felt him trembling, and felt tears soak her shirt. She didn’t speak a word, knowing it wasn’t necessary.

--

Still, Belle studied Elise, not letting her off the hook that easily. “Seriously. What can I do?”

And the answer was so soft, Belle wasn’t sure she heard it.

“Just keep telling me until I believe…”

--

Disregarding Kylie’s earlier statement, Belle drove Elise home. The two didn’t speak much, but Belle found she didn’t mind, content listening to the radio and holding Elise’s hand.

Kylie was waiting inside, and couldn’t keep back her lecture when she saw that Belle had taken it upon herself to drive Elise back.

“Belle,” Kylie sighed. “I told you I’d come. I don’t like you drivin’ out here like this,” she couldn’t keep the disapproval out of her voice.

“It’s okay,” Belle dismissed, though she hoped to put across that she was paying attention. “I’m careful,” she assured.

“Honey, it don’t matter how mean you make yourself look comin’ up here. I hate to point this out, but you’re bein’ female and white, and lookin’ well-off makes you a target here.”

“I’m sorry,” Belle apologized sincerely. “Next time I won’t come alone,” she compromised.

Minutes later, Kylie and Elise were alone. Kylie ushered Elise up the stairs, beginning to realize that the more she was exposed to them, the less adverse her reaction seemed to be.

Once they ascended, Kylie took a breath, knowing she had a thing or two to tell Elise as well.

“You know Rob’s real upset about you takin’ off the way you did,” Kylie started, studying her face for a reaction. It showed none. “Without lettin’ him know where you’d be…” she hinted, hoping to elicit some kind of response.

“But we called,” Elise reasoned, looking confused.

“You called, and that’s good.” Kylie agreed. “But you can’t be goin’ off without tellin’ people where you’ll be. People worry about you.” Kylie stressed, her tone sounding strangely maternal.

Frustrated at the correction she was getting, Elise clenched her teeth. “…I didn’t just leave,” she almost spat. “They were yelling, and I had to get out. I didn’t think to get in the middle of the confrontation and let ‘em know where I was going. I didn’t even know where I was going…” she admitted.

“Watch your tone, baby,” Kylie warned softly.

It hit Elise then that for once she was being reprimanded and she didn’t feel threatened. The realization didn’t bring the relief that she had hoped, but instead, made her more agitated than before.

“You need to let me or Rob know where you’ll be.” Kylie insisted. “I know you didn’t know. I’m not comin’ down on you for it, I’m just tellin’ you that this is important. You can’t just disappear.”

“My mom never cared if I went anywhere…” Elise balked. “They wanted me to go.” She persisted, her last statement sounding close to defiant.

“You’re not at your mama’s house. We got different rules for you here. You’ve never been hurt like you were at your mama’s house, and we’re gonna make sure that doesn’t happen. Just like that’s different, Rob and I want to know where you are. You’re important to us. Robby’s just upset, that’s all I’m sayin’.”

“Yeah, I get it,” Elise snapped. “I suck.”

The two of them had stopped briefly just outside Rob’s apartment, but with her final statement, Elise went inside, leaving Kylie standing alone outside the door.

“What was that?” Rob asked, still shaken up from not being able to find Elise for so long. He was pacing the room, and his eyes were dark, suspecting that he already knew the answer.

Flopping on the couch, Elise continued to sulk. “Nothing.”

Rob sighed, still exhausted from searching for her. He couldn’t muster up the same parental instinct as Kylie, but he knew that even as a big brother, he ought to say something.

“Respect is really important when you’re talking to people,” he scolded mildly, looking like he could care less.

Elise panicked, and expertly hid it – doing the only thing she could to escalate the situation, and nailed him for his own behavior.

“Respect? You mean like you were respecting Mom?” Elise challenged, wishing her brother would stop pretending – that he would just hit her and get it over with.

“That wasn’t the same,” Robby countered, sounding bored.

“Oh, yeah right. You can’t think I’m that stupid,” she challenged, waiting on the inevitable – for him to admit that he, in fact, did think she was that stupid. Elise flushed when she heard nothing, getting more anxious as his demeanor remained unchanged.

“Stop it,” Rob scolded softly, not understanding her sudden interest in challenging him and talking back. He knew it wasn’t typical for her, and refused to react.

“Quit acting like you don’t care!” she exclaimed. “Come on,” Elise stepped up, taunting him with a look, daring him to swing.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, sitting down across the room from her.

Elise felt her legs shaking, and willed herself to stay upright. “I know you’re pissed off that I left without telling you, and for being snotty to your girlfriend, so stop with the macho act, and be pissed off!” she shouted.

“I was worried,” Rob corrected. “I was never upset.”

“Cop-out,” Elise spoke the insult like the foulest name she could come up with. “Be a man, for a change, huh? Just try that.” She gripped the side of the wall, and hoped he wouldn’t notice.

“What are you doin’ this for?” Rob asked, squinting at her – trying just to figure out what in the world was going on in her head. He couldn’t figure it out for the life of him.

“’Cause you need to step up and be a man!” she yelled, feeling sure that he was close to a breaking point.

“What do you want?” Rob asked, completely lost. “What do you want from me?”

“Do something! God, Robby! Hit me!” Elise screamed her voice tense with expectation.

Rob stood stunned. So that’s what she was waiting for. That explained all the out of character behavior - all the goading and back talk. She was waiting to be hurt. And when he refused to give in, it had just grown worse.

“’Lisey,” Rob said quietly. “I’m not gonna hit you,” he couldn’t help it, and took a step toward her, wanting to convince her that he wouldn’t hurt her.

“Whatever,” she scoffed. Elise couldn’t stop herself from backing off, not wanting him to get too close to her.

But Rob continued to come, wanting to convince her that everything was okay.

“That’s not how a man acts,” Rob explained patiently. “Dad never hurt you, remember?”

“So, what?” Elise asked, she shook, still unable to believe that he had no intention of hurting her. Her mother’s boyfriend never betrayed any emotion whatsoever before he struck.

Rob continued to close the distance between them, knowing that this time, he couldn’t ask Kylie to help – because this was just between him and Elise. He was running on instinct, but he also knew that he had to be careful not to scare her, which wasn’t going to be easy.

Elise took a step toward him, and pushed him back. It was a bold move, which she hoped would spark a reaction so that it would just happen and be over with. She just couldn’t handle the in-between stage.

Walking around her, Rob caught her from behind, pulling her back against his chest. He backed up, and sat on the arm of the couch with her, maneuvering so they both were finally on a cushion.

Elise gritted her teeth, hating to be held, when any human contact made her feel threatened, but she refused to react. So she simply sat rigid, feeling Robby’s strong arms around her, and praying he’d just stop with the games and do what she knew he wanted to do. How could he honestly say it didn’t matter how she was treating him?

Rob kept his arms around her, feeling Elise’s whole body tense with the expectation of harm.

“I’m not hurting you,” he explained softly, in case it wasn’t clear. “This is okay. It’s not bad.”

But Elise remained as she’d been, her demeanor unchanged.

Unconsciously, he began rocking back and forth. And for the first time, Elise’s racing mind stopped suddenly.

She didn’t understand.

“What are you doing?” she asked, sniffling.

Rob shushed her, sensing that she was finally starting to relax.

In minutes, the tension in Elise’s body melted away, and she rested her head gratefully against Robby’s shoulder.

“Do you believe me now?” Rob asked so softly, she barely heard him.

She nodded, feeling ashamed that she could have ever thought her brother would hurt her.

“All I want is for you to let me know where you’re going. It’s not something to panic about,” he assured, keeping his voice calm. “I know it doesn’t matter how much I tell you that I won’t hurt you. It’s probably gonna take a while. But I’ll stick it out with you…until you know for sure.” Rob kissed the top of her head, and finally, he could let himself relax as well.

“I didn’t know,” Elise whispered. “I thought I did something right for once. And it was never like this with Mom, so how was I supposed to know?” she asked brokenly. “They were always trying to get me to leave…They never asked where I was going…they never cared,” she said again, wanting someone to understand her position.

“When you were little, Mom wanted to know where you were,” he reminded, playing with her hair absently. He didn’t want to do anything to ruin the moment of closeness and honesty they shared.

“That was before,” Elise scoffed, wiping tears off her face.

“I know, but I’m just telling you,” Rob tried to keep his trademark laid-back demeanor in place, even at the mention of their mother, and the implication of the man he hated more than he had hated anyone, ever. “There was a time when it mattered, and this is another time when it matters.”

“But she never cared if I went anywhere!” Elise persisted, feeling her tears come fresh now. This lecture about old rules and new rules meant little. She only the pain of being ignored, and being systematically alienated from her home and what family she had left. She wept at the pain of not being wanted, and now that she was wanted, it hurt in a whole new way.

“I know she didn’t.” Rob spoke quietly, not understanding her need to perseverate on this point.

“She wanted me to go…she never stopped him from it. He always said I should just leave, and when I wouldn’t, he’d come after me…she never stopped him, so she must’ve wanted me gone, too.” Elise hoped she was making sense, and that Robby could understand.

Again, Rob found himself holding back. He saw red immediately, and it tumbled within him merging instantly with the guilt he carried within him daily, at letting Elise stay in a place where she was being hurt – and for not even suspecting it. He’d seen the bruises and bought every one of her excuses for them. He’d never questioned her about anything, because all Rob had energy to do was be furious with his mother for having another man in her life. He held Elise a little tighter, and told her the only words that came to his mind in that moment.

“I want you here, okay? I really do. I don’t want you to feel like I don’t. I’m sorry I scared you, and made you feel like you had to run. I wasn’t paying attention. But just because I yelled doesn’t mean I want you to leave, okay?” It killed Rob to have to have this conversation with her. It wasn’t right that so much had been taken away from her, all the way down to her feeling of security in a home.

Elise nodded, finally allowing herself to start believing his words. He wouldn’t be holding her like her daddy used to if he didn’t mean what he said.

Belief: Chapter 5

In prosperity our friends know us; in adversity we know our friends.
- John Churton Collins

Belle picked up the phone and called Kylie. It was a quick decision, but one she knew she wouldn’t regret. “Hey, it’s me,” she said, as soon as she heard Kylie answer.

“Hey, Belle,” Kylie returned. She sounded haggard.

“You sound tired, are you all right?” Belle wondered, concerned.

“I’m all right,” Kylie lied. “What’d you need, baby?”

Belle paused. “Nothing actually, I just was wondering where exactly your apartment’s at. ‘Cause I’ve been asking people and no one will tell me.”

“Baby, that’s because it’s low income, and in a bad neighborhood. You don’t need to be comin’ out here. I appreciate it, though.” Kylie stressed.

“What if Andrew came, too?” Belle pressed, not giving up.

“Andrew don’t scare nobody, baby,” Kylie chided gently. “Besides, Robby and Elise aren’t in a state for company right now…” Kylie hinted.

“Oh, it’s not social,” Belle assured. “Andrew and I were just thinking that you three deserved some help. So I could help with cooking or laundry, or Elise and I could hang out while you get stuff done. And Andrew could do any other stuff that Rob needed help with.”

“Baby, that’s a sweet offer, but I don’t know how Robby feels about it,” Kylie hedged.

“So? I mean...not to be pushy, but I mean, what are his options? What are any of y’all’s options? It’s an offer to help, you know? Either he’s grateful for the help, or his pride will be hurt. But either way, Andrew and I want to help.” Belle stood firm.

Kylie sighed, the night before playing itself back in her mind. It really wasn’t fair of Belle to call now, because if there was ever a time Kylie would cave on an offer to help, it was today…

The previous night had been nothing short of unbearable for all of them. Rob had called her in the middle of the night. She had known Elise didn’t sleep well, but Kylie didn’t expect to find the girl beyond consolation when she came across the hall in her nightgown and robe to investigate what the trouble was. What she’d found was almost beyond imagination.

Elise was recoiled in the corner of the sparsely furnished living room. Her voice was gone, but she continued to scream. She was clearly terrified, but any time Rob advanced to try and comfort her, her panic grew.

As a last resort, he had called Kylie. It had been going on for nearly an hour, and Rob was exhausted from trying.

Intuitively, Kylie had dropped low, attempting to get on eye-level with Elise. Being female, a minority, and not to mention fairly short, herself, Kylie knew it could easily be intimidating to have someone talking above you from their full height.

“Hey, Elise…” she spoke softly, her own eyes bright with tears. “I’m gonna come to you, okay? I know you’re scared, but we gonna make everything okay again,” she assured, inching closer.

As Kylie expected, Elise’s alarm intensified. Behind them both, Rob cursed.

“Robby,” Kylie turned slightly. “Go to my place and lie down,” she said firmly.

“Hell, no!” he exploded. “She’s my sister!” He paced the floor, clenching his fists until his knuckles turned white.

“Rob.” Kylie kept her voice even. “You wanna do what’s best by her, you’ll leave.”

Kylie turned back to Elise. She had begun to tremble violently.

Abruptly, Kylie heard the door close behind them. She said a silent prayer of thanks that Rob had listened to her and in his anger had managed to refrain from slamming the door and further spooking Elise.

Resuming the task at hand, Kylie kept her pursuit deliberate and fairly quick, not wanting to prolong the girl’s anguish and anxiety longer than necessary.

Once she was close enough to touch Elise, Kylie spoke. “I know you’re scared, baby. But if you can, listen to me. Everything’s okay. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but it is. You want a hug?” Kylie asked carefully, unsure of how much Elise could understand in such a frenzied state.

Elise’s eyes remained wide and petrified; her breathing shallow.

Deliberately, Kylie extended a hand, purposely not doing what her motherly instinct wanted, and brush the hair back out of Elise’s eyes. Instead, she grasped Elise’s hand, and from there, slowly took the trembling girl into her arms.

What Kylie wasn’t expecting was a fight.

Instantly, Elise came alive, strangled noise permeating the silence around them. Survival mode had kicked in full-force and Elise struggled with unexpected strength.

But Kylie held her, hoping that if she kept her close long enough, it would sink in that she was safe. Unconsciously, she fell into prayer, asking God to deliver Elise from the grips of this fear.

Within minutes, Elise had begun to calm, and clutched desperately at Kylie, relieved beyond words that she had come, and helped her…

“Kylie?” Belle’s voice penetrated through the memory.

“Yeah,” Kylie’s tone was disinterested, but Belle knew better.

“It’ll be okay,” she offered sweetly. “Andrew and I’ll be there after school today. Don’t worry. We’ll find you.”

--

“So, why are we going to Rob’s?” Andrew asked, unable to conceal his nervousness.

“We’re going because we love Kylie and we wanna help out,” Belle explained matter-of-factly.

“But you said Rob doesn’t want us there,” Andrew pointed out, carefully studying the street signs they passed, and getting more anxious as the neighborhoods deteriorated.

“I said Rob might not say he wants us there. But everybody deserves a little help. And Kylie seemed really stressed. Besides, I like Elise, and I want to get to know her more.”

“You already know you have the same pants,” Andrew quipped dryly, “What more is there to know?”

“Funny…” Belle said, smiling.

‘What’d you think of Thursday?” Andrew asked, referring to the small group he and Belle had descended on without an actual invitation.

“Well, it probably wasn’t the best week to go, but I don’t regret it,” Belle reasoned cheerfully.

“Don’t you ever get tired of being so optimistic?” Andrew asked, only half-joking.

“Don’t you ever get tired of being a crab?” she shot back, and giggled.

“I’m just saying…” he reasoned, “It’s like, unnatural to be that happy.”

“Maybe for a grump,” she teased, not getting tired of their debate.

“I think this might be it,” Andrew squinted.

Belle looked, too. “Yep, it’s the one!”

Andrew parked, got out and promptly locked the car. Once they were on their way up to Rob and Elise’s, Andrew glanced at Belle, who was staying close.

“Belle, what on earth do you need your purse for?” he complained. “Here, give it to me,” he offered, waiting expectantly once his hand was outstretched.

“No! Come on, Kylie’s expecting us,” Belle waved him off, and continued up the stairs.

In no time, they were at the correct door, and Belle knocked on it, waiting.

“Hey, you two,” Kylie greeted, giving them both a hug. “Elise isn’t home right now, but she will be in a bit. I’ll be going to pick her up. Now, there’s not a lot here, at least not what y’all are used to, but make yourself at home.” Kylie urged.

Andrew immediately went for the refrigerator, and frowned when he saw how little was there.

Walking back out to the living room, he took another look and saw the couch unfolded into a bed in the corner of the room. His stomach sank. He had no idea they were living with such limited resources.

Andrew dug in his pocket, and felt the cash he had gotten from his check at work. It wasn't the best-paying job, and it wasn't full-time, but it was more than a lot of people had, and he couldn't think of a better use for the money.

Passing Belle in the hall, Andrew caught her arm, and whispered, “I’ll be right back.”

“Okay,” she shrugged, as usual, having no idea what her friend was up to, but knowing his heart was undoubtedly in the right place.

--

Gratefully, upon Andrew’s return from the store, Belle was the only one there. The last thing he wanted was to hurt Rob’s pride, but everybody needed to eat, and, more than just Ramen and sandwiches.

Setting the bags down carefully on the table, Andrew began unloading them.

“Aw, Andrew, look at you being all domestic,” Belle teased. But inside her heart swelled with pride, because that was just the way Andrew worked - quietly in the background, and preferably when no one was watching.

Cans of soup appeared on the table, then, a two-liter of 7-Up.

“You got them sick food,” Belle observed.

Andrew nodded. “I figured they could use some on hand,” he said simply.

Boxes of the easy-make twenty-minute meals appeared, and Belle smiled. “He’s a guy,” Andrew defended. “And he’s not gonna have a whole lot of time to cook.”

Belle’s eyes widened at the variety of things Andrew had bought, and she quickly set to work, stocking their nearly empty fridge and moved their single staple food aside in the cupboard to make room for the newly-acquired soup, and other items.

And Andrew hadn’t forgotten the necessities. He’d come back with milk, eggs and bread, a habit he couldn’t seem to break, no matter who he was shopping for. He’d brought back cereal and fruit, wanting to make sure all their bases were covered.

“Belle? What do you think we should do for supper?” he asked, busily shelving things.

“I don’t know. You want me to start something for ‘em?” she asked. “Oh, I have the best idea!”

“I knew you would,” he smiled.

“And it won’t use up that much of their stuff,” she reasoned. “We’ll make enough for the three of them, be sure to clean up, and let them enjoy themselves.” Belle was thrilled with her ingenuity.

So once everything was put away, Belle set to work, pulling out the bread and eggs. French toast was the best meal, and it was especially sweet if you weren’t expecting it. She recruited Andrew to slice fruit, and set the table. And within a half-hour, Belle had finished, giving them a modest one apiece knowing they were on a budget, and not wanting to use up their new groceries.

Quickly, she and Andrew picked up their mess. They washed, dried and put away the dishes, made sure the table looked nice, and then she and Andrew slipped out the door, at Belle’s urging, because Kylie had told her she’d be back with Elise, and Rob should be home not long after.

They spent the drive home in virtual silence, neither needing the moral boost of discussing their good deed with one another. Andrew simply was grateful God had used him, in even the smallest task like buying groceries.

And in the end, their reward was small, but worth it. A brief message from Rob was found on Belle’s phone the next day:

“Hey Belle and Andrew, this is Rob. Thank you for dinner. It was awesome. You have no idea what a relief it was to have dinner on the table for once. You guys are awesome.”

--

It wasn’t long before Belle decided to follow up on her offer to be there for Elise, and called to ask if she could spend the night. Usually, she wouldn’t have been so forthright, but she knew Elise would never think to ask a friend to stay the night – she had so much going on as it was.

Rob agreed, after letting Belle talk to Elise and make sure it wasn’t going to be too much for her, and by six o’clock that evening, Belle had arrived. She was helping Rob get dinner cleaned up, while Elise remained at the table, concentrating on a paper she’d gotten from rehab that day, which dealt with sequencing.

The work itself wasn’t hard, but recalling how certain words – even simple words – were spelled, was proving somewhat difficult. Things like holding a pencil were now very trying, and her handwriting remained big and awkward. The three little exercises were taking considerable time to get through, and once Belle was finished, she sat down beside Elise.

“You need some help?” Belle asked, seeing that Elise looked stalled in her progress.

Elise barely moved, not even looking up when Belle approached.

“What are you stuck on?” Belle tried again, reaching to touch her hand, and get her attention.

Abruptly, Elise flinched, pulling away from Belle, until she got a good look at her, and relaxed. But tears had sprung to her eyes in the moment. Elise wiped them away, knowing she needed to finish this before she and Belle could do anything else.

“It’s okay,” Belle said simply. “I was just wondering if you needed help.”

“I got it,” Elise answered, seemingly oblivious to the tears that continued to fall.

Belle nodded, realizing her presence there was more a hindrance than help. “Okay. Well, I’m gonna go set up in the other room, so you come out there whenever you’re finished.” And Belle excused herself, making a conscious effort to stay out of the kitchen until Elise was finished.

In the meantime, she set to work preparing the living room. Once she had laid out her sleeping bag, she wasn’t sure what to do for Elise, but she figured Rob wouldn’t be thrilled about her sleeping on the floor, so Belle just pulled the couch apart, and got the bed ready, in case Elise got tired.

Belle took out her make up, really excited about the prospect of she and Elise making each other over, and then found her CDs and CD player. She hadn’t been sure if they had one, so she brought hers along – hoping her forwardness in that area wouldn’t offend Rob. But he didn’t end up caring.

As it turned out, he felt so relieved about having Belle there that he decided to take Kylie someplace close to get some coffee. As much as they saw each other, the two rarely spent time alone with one another. Though it would be far from a romantic dinner, Rob knew they needed it, and felt confident leaving Elise with Belle for an hour or so. If he had seen anything over the past couple days it was that Belle was incredibly mature for seventeen.

It took another half-hour for Elise to emerge from the kitchen, and when she did, Belle was ready for her. Once the kitchen was free, Belle immediately took it over, popping microwave popcorn, and pouring them each generous amounts of Coke.

Elise’s eyes widened as she saw Belle with the junk food. “Where did we get that?” she asked suspiciously.

“I brought it,” Belle smiled, setting down the huge bowl of popcorn between them, and the glasses on the coffee table – the only piece of furniture in the room, besides the couch and recliner.

Thankfully, Elise seemed very at ease. They sat in silence for a little bit, munching popcorn and listening to Belle’s most-recent CD purchase. It was music that Elise had never heard, but it was good, and she found herself really enjoying the brief times that Belle sang along, stunning Elise with her beautiful voice.

“So, what do you wanna do?” Belle asked, lounging on her sleeping bag.

Characteristically mute at a moment she was expected to answer, Elise tried not to let it get to her. “I don’t know,” she said finally, the words sounding weighted with the effort it took to vocalize them.

“That’s hard for you, huh?” Belle prodded matter-of-factly. “Talking when somebody asks you a question?”

Elise nodded, feeling heat flood her cheeks.

“I didn’t say that to embarrass you!” Belle exclaimed, quickly apologetic. “I just wanted to know if there was something I could do to make things easier for you. If I’m making you uncomfortable or something,” she explained.

Elise shook her head, without her voice for almost a full minute, reduced to mouthing words until it came back. “Patient… Just be patient, if you can,” Elise restated. “If you wait long enough it’ll come back.”

“I can do that,” Belle agreed. “So, what do you think about playing beauty parlor?” She asked, happily, motioning to her stash of cosmetics strewn across her sleeping bag.

“You’re a little old to play with make-up, aren’t you? Aren’t we both?” Elise looked wary, as if indulging in such childish play couldn’t yield a positive result.

“No!” Belle insisted, laughing. “Besides, it’s good for us to make ourselves feel pretty – I do it all the time!” Picking through the mess, she selected a couple tubes of lip-gloss.

“Which color?” Belle asked. “Which one do you want to wear?”

Finally, Elise picked one, and Belle set to work. It didn’t take her long, however, to realize that Elise probably wasn’t the best candidate for a makeover. She flinched every time Belle came toward her with anything.

“I’m sorry,” Elise ducked her head. “I’m not very good at holding still,” she admitted.

But Belle waved her off. “It’s okay. You wanna do me instead?”

Momentarily, Elise forgot about her blunders, and smiled a little. “You sure you wanna do that?” she asked.

“Of course I am!” Belle agreed. “Now, make me beautiful!” she demanded and struck a pose.

--

Belle was ripped from sleep suddenly. Someone was screaming. She glanced around, her heart racing. It came back to her in bits and pieces - she was spending the night with Elise. She rose quickly and went to her friend’s side. Belle didn’t find her in the bed but crouched in one corner of the room, with a look Belle had never seen in her eyes.

“Elise?” Belle questioned quietly. She had no idea what to do, she only knew that Rob was apparently the deepest sleeper ever, because he wasn’t there yet.

From her position, curled into the wall, Elise’s head jerked up, hearing her name. But it wasn’t Belle’s voice she heard. It was his.

--

“Elise!” The sound of her name could still make her skin crawl if it was said at the right moment.

He had appeared in the doorway, calmly enough, but his voice made it clear that something was going to happen. “Come here.” Again, the eerie calm – when Elise knew better.

She got out of bed and followed him obediently, knowing that ignoring him or hesitating would just make everything worse. He walked silently until they got to the staircase; then he nodded at her to go forward. She vacillated for a moment, in an exhausted stupor of not knowing what on earth he could want with her going downstairs at this hour.

But the brief time of uncertainty on her part had been exactly what sparked the action. She was mercilessly shoved from behind. And once she lay helpless at the bottom, her body aching, she saw the whole time, he’d been concealing something behind his back. When Elise finally saw the baseball bat, she had screamed, knowing him well enough to realize that he would only stop beating her if his arms got tired…

The blows had been crushing, and Elise hadn’t stopped screaming until she blacked out.

--

The screaming was what got to Belle the most. Her skin prickled, as the hair on her arms stood up. She’d never heard such a desperate sound coming from a human being.

“Honey, it’s okay…” Belle pleaded, in tears now at seeing Elise so scared.

But the noise never let up. The sounds Belle was hearing weren’t unlike a small child or wounded animal, just wanting escape but having none.

“Rob,” Belle called softly, her voice breaking.

“I’m right here,” he said, appearing from behind her. His own face was pale and ashy as he studied the situation. He looked weary. “I don’t know what to do.” Rob admitted. “This happens so many times, and I don’t know what to do for her.” The defeat in his words was almost tangible, as Elise continued to scream, her voice already going hoarse.

Belle sat, wondering if his unspoken implication was for her to do something. But she was at a complete loss. But like a mantra, one phrase of a worship song she’d played earlier stuck with her, and she fearlessly began to sing, her voice broken from weeping.

“Father, You’re all I need, my soul’s sufficiency, my strength when I am weak, the love that carries me…”

The sound of the song, and the peace it carried, mingled with Elise’s still-terrorized screams, but Belle kept on, repeating the same verse of the song over and over, making herself and entire room open to God, and open to His help.

Gathering courage, Belle crept closer, eventually enfolding Elise in her arms and whispering the song in her ear.

Strangely, and for the first time Rob could recall, Elise seemed to settle at another person’s touch. Normally, she would recoil, but this time was different. Leaning forward until her head rested on Belle’s shoulder she accepted the hug, and the sound of a friend nearby – and a song – seemed to help her immensely.

In moments she was breathing deeply, still leaning against Belle.

“You can go ahead and lie back down. I’ll get her,” Rob offered.

Belle shook her head. “She’s fine here. Really,” she insisted seeing his skeptical expression.

Too tired to argue, Rob retired again.

Awkwardly, Belle shifted, so her back was to the wall, and laid Elise down gently, so her head rested in Belle’s lap. Elise remained asleep throughout the movement and jostling, and Belle leaned over, snagging a blanket off the bed, and covering Elise with it.

Gently, Belle stroked Elise’s hair, stopping suddenly when she felt something she didn’t expect. Parting it carefully, Belle saw that under the top layer, Elise was just starting to grow hair back. The lengthy scar was unmistakable, and Belle’s heart hurt, not able to fully imagine what must have brought Elise to the point of needing surgery.

But Belle didn’t let the sight of such a wound deter her, and continued to stroke her friend’s head, praying for God to let Elise sleep through the night.

--

Sleep was difficult for either girl to obtain, since Belle was sitting up, and Elise was constantly reacting in almost undetectable ways. But Belle could feel every change, even the smallest ones, and she was continually speaking words of assurance, only dozing when she could.

By the time day broke, they had both managed to rest a little. Belle’s neck was stiff and her back ached from sitting up against a wall all night, but she would never let Elise know as much. She pulled the blanket back around Elise’s shoulders, trying not to shiver, in her summer nightgown, despite the fact that autumn was in full swing. Belle couldn’t resist, because it was the cutest one she owned.

Elise awoke suddenly, her breath hitching right away, as if she were prepared to scream. But Belle kept a hand reassuringly on her head, as it had been all night.

“Good morning,” Belle greeted gently.

Elise nodded; her heart raced, and she looked around, trying to ground herself in the here and now.

“It’s okay,” Belle spoke softly.

Instinctively, Elise moved to sit up, feeling humiliated at where she was. She tried to shut her brain off and not remember, but it didn’t help. She recalled everything too clearly.

“Hey, where you goin’?” Belle asked kindly. Easily, she caught Elise and pulled her back so they sat close again. Elise stiffened at the touch, but Belle didn’t let go. “You can sit here, don’t worry about it, okay? Do you wanna lay your head back down?” she wondered.

Elise shook her head.

“Things were pretty scary for you last night,” Belle said sympathetically, unable to keep from petting Elise’s hair.

Elise moved her head away a fraction of an inch. She didn’t know if she liked this or not, and it was always better to play it safe. She forced herself to speak. “I’m okay.”

“No you’re not,” Belle chided gently. “That’s fine, though. Just stay here a minute.”

Elise obliged, relaxing a little, at Belle’s desire to have her nearby.

“Who usually helps you when you’re scared?” Belle asked quietly.

“Kylie sometimes, or sometimes Robby tries. Otherwise nobody.” Elise spoke dully, as if talking about someone else.

Belle pursed her lips, unhappy with the admission that, as she had suspected, Elise was usually left to fend off her nightmares on her own.

She didn’t show her mood, though. Instead she kept the chatter going. “So do you wanna talk, or eat breakfast?” Belle wondered.

“Neither,” Elise admitted. “I’m never hungry.”

“Well, let’s eat anyway. I’m sure Robby won’t be happy if you don’t eat. Did you like my French toast?” she asked, already getting a pan out.

She caught Elise’s nod, and got to work. With her back turned, she asked carefully, “I hope you don’t think this is rude, but what’s that scar from on your head?”

“Surgery.” Elise said plainly. Speaking to somebody’s back was a lot easier than speaking to their face. It was harder to be intimidated.

“Surgery from what?” Belle asked, still shocked that her friend had such a big incision.

Elise let out a breath. “I was beat.” She was surprised how easily the words came out.

“I’m sorry, you were what?” Belle asked, turning. She couldn’t have heard right.

“I was beat,” Elise said again, looking at her hands.

“You had surgery because someone beat you?” Belle questioned, still unable to grasp what she was hearing.

Elise nodded, and then continued. “My mom’s boyfriend…pushed me down our basement stairs. It was concrete…and Robby thinks I hit my head real hard then. Once I was at the bottom, I saw he had a bat…”

It was all so easy to say when Elise considered that Belle was an outsider, who didn’t know what her life had been like. She hadn’t been able to tell Robby anything – even the most basic things like how it started. Elise felt like she was talking about someone else. She could never distance herself that much with Robby, because he felt everything so deeply, and because she knew he blamed himself.

Rob stumbled in then, stopping the conversation in its tracks. Belle knew enough not to pursue anymore questions with him present, and instead turned her attention back to breakfast.

“Hey, girls,” he greeted tiredly, going straight for the coffee.

He was a sight. His hair stood up at all angles, and one leg of his sweatpants was pushed up to his knee. Rob walked over and kissed the top of Elise’s head, relieved when she didn’t flinch.

“Want some French toast again? Belle’s cooking,” Elise offered, stunning herself with the ease that she spoke.

Rob noticed, too, and smiled, not wanting to embarrass Elise in front of her friend. “I’d love some.”

“Syrup and butter?” Belle called from the stove.

“That’d be great.” Rob returned, ducking quickly in the bathroom to get cleaned up and dressed for work.

Belle set a plate down by his coffee cup, and then set out to make Elise’s. “One or two?” she asked over her shoulder. She’d given Rob two, since he had a busy day, and she figured, judging from his appearance that he could use the energy.

“How ‘bout a half?” Elise bargained.

“Girl, you want me to make you half a French toast!” Belle exclaimed, laughing. “How does that work? You’re getting one,” she said decidedly.

“Mean…” Elise pouted, but Belle could tell she was smiling.

Rob emerged then, looking miraculously cleaned up given the five minutes he was gone. He sat down, saying a quick but sincere thanks to Belle before starting in, knowing he never had enough time in the morning.

“Okay, I’ll be at work until about supper,” Rob said. “If anything comes up you can call Kylie, she’ll be off in a little bit. Or if there’s an emergency, you can call me at work,” he scribbled down the number, still a little apprehensive about leaving Belle unofficially in charge of his sister for a work-day.

But she had offered, and it was easier on Kylie who was used to coming off a night shift, and immediately going to their apartment, only able to catch up on her sleep eight hours later when Rob returned.

--

Minutes later, Belle was seated at the table with Elise. Belle, in her cutest silk pajamas and Elise in some long shirt – the disparity struck Belle particularly hard then, but Elise didn’t seem to mind.

Elise stared uninterestedly at her breakfast.

Belle couldn’t eat either. She was still thinking of Elise’s last statement before Rob came in the kitchen. She couldn’t get it out of her mind.

“Is that what your nightmares are from?” Belle asked suddenly.

“What?” Elise asked, confused, not quite getting the shift back into that conversation.

“From when your mother’s boyfriend did that to you?” Belle pressed incredulous that one person would actually do that to another.

Elise nodded, still staring at how shiny the syrup was. She wished she could only eat the syrup.

Absently she continued. “He was always telling me to get out. He wanted it just to be him and my mom. And I pretty much ruined that for him, so it was his plan from the start for me to leave. He tried to kick me out, but I wouldn’t go. I was sixteen, but he thought I was close enough to being an adult to fend for myself. He’d always tell me I was smart, and I could make it on my own. He was full of shit…” she trailed off. “So when I didn’t leave he started hitting me. I guess he thought if he made being at home bad enough, I’d wanna go. But I never did. So finally he had enough,” Elise finished.

“Wait. You were sixteen? How old are you now?” Belle asked.

“I just turned seventeen. It happened a few months ago,” she confided.

“What did your mother think?”

“I don’t know…but Robby never let me go home, so I guess she’s on his side.” Elise deduced.

Belle’s stomach lurched. “She’s still with him?” she asked disbelieving.

“He’s in jail, but yeah.” Elise confirmed.

“Honey, I’m so sorry.” Belle apologized, reaching for her hand.

But just like that, Elise had come back to herself again, and withdrew from the attempt at contact.

Elise shrugged. “I don’t wanna talk anymore,” she mumbled softly.

“Okay. I can understand that. Do you wanna call up Andrew and we can do something?” Belle asked.

“Not really. I mean, I like Andrew, but I kinda just wanted to hang out with you,” Elise admitted.

“Oh that’s fine. I was thinking of shopping anyway, so we’d be doing him a favor by not inviting him.” Belle smiled.

Elise felt flushed. She didn’t really like the idea of shopping either, and briefly thought she’d be better off with Andrew.

“No shopping?” Belle probed studying Elise’s reluctant expression.

Elise shook her head. “I just don’t like a lot of people, and I don’t really have money,” she confessed.

“That’s okay, we don’t have to go shopping,” Belle dismissed the idea. “We could just hang around here if you’d rather do that.”

Elise nodded, hating the idea of facing the monstrous staircase in order to get out of the apartment.

Belle was putting the eggs away when she caught sight of a package of easy-bake cookies. She grinned, thinking of Andrew at the store, picking them out. “You wanna make cookies?” Belle called.

“We don’t have any stuff,” Elise returned tiredly.

“Wrong,” Belle held the package out happily, dancing around. “Andrew got these the other day when we were here.”

“I’m gonna go get dressed, quick.” Elise decided, hoping she could actually be quick about it.

“Why don’t we just bake in our pajamas?” Belle called.

“Because, I’m cold!” Elise insisted, disappearing in the bathroom, to pick out of the meager selection that was in the dresser that stood inside.

Meanwhile, Elise preheated the oven, and then dashed out to clean up their mess from the night before. She folded her sleeping bag and stowed it in the corner, and packed most of her things back up, leaving only a set of clothes and her CDs and CD player out.

Belle found a small, almost enclosed area at the end of a hall, and covertly changed clothes. She was fast – it took her barely two minutes to dress. Elise on the other hand, was taking a bit longer. So Belle made due, washing her face and brushing her teeth at the kitchen sink. She even did her make-up there, using her tiny compact mirror.

Eventually, Elise came out. She looked cute, wearing her usual patterned jeans, and matching top.

“Ready?” Belle asked. And at Elise’s nod, Belle ran to the other room to retrieve her CD player and put it on the counter, sticking a CD in, insisting that she never baked without music.

The two set to work, Belle breaking the dough apart and Elise putting it on the cookie sheet. Sometimes, though, even the simplest tasks were confusing, and she didn’t understand when Belle suddenly looked at the sheet like something was wrong with it.

“You need to spread them out,” Belle explained, seeing all the little cookie chunks concentrated to one area of the pan.

Seeing Elise’s bewilderment wasn’t lifting, Belle reached over and organized a row. “Like that.”

Slowly, Elise set to work, fixing the cookies, and feeling oddly overwhelmed by the background music.

Once she had the cookies lined up the way Belle wanted, Elise walked out to the living room, trying to shut out the noise in the other room.

Belle was happily oblivious, as she bent to put the cookies in and set the timer. Only when she turned around did she discover that Elise was no longer there.

Walking into the living room, Belle saw her curled up in the recliner. “Hey, the cookies are baking,” she said softly.

Elise shook her head despondently, without a voice again, and hating it. Helplessly, she covered her ears, not knowing what else to do.

“Okay,” Belle understood, stepping back into the kitchen and turning her CD off.

“Thank you,” Elise mouthed.

Belle crouched in front of the chair. “You’re welcome. You know what?” she asked, taking Elise’s hand in her own. “I’m so blessed to have you as my friend,” Belle told her sincerely.

And Elise didn’t hesitate before reaching out and giving Belle the hug she deserved, for being there in ways no one else had, and helping in ways she couldn’t imagine.

Belief: Chapter 4

TWs - ableism, objectification, hypervigilance, inaccessibility, bruising, disclosure of physical abuse, nightmare, mention of needles, internalized ableism, mention of prayer, mention of God, mention of Satan

Live as brave men; and if fortune is adverse, front its blows with brave hearts.

- Cicero

“So, how are we gonna do this?” Jared asked, smirking. He glanced up at the horse-drawn contraption that would transport them all for the hay ride.

Jared’s presence had been a surprise to say the least. Belle had reported to the group that the youth was having a hay ride and they needed more adult volunteers for chaperoning.

There wasn’t much of a turn out. It was a shock for all of them to see Rob there. Elise was nowhere to be found, though, since Rob had insisted the weather was too cold for her to be out in, and it probably would take too much out of her. She hadn’t protested, which pretty much let Rob know she agreed.

He had called Kylie and asked if she would mind staying until he got back. She hadn’t been thrilled, but she had been there, faithful as always in her commitment to both him and Elise.

Alex had come, too, and taken Kenzie along just because she felt like it. Alex was always active in youth functions, and really wanted Kenzie along.

Gabe and Micah were along, too. But that was it.

Being so new, though, none of them really expected Jared or Rob to have come along. But they were both there. Alex had been heavy on the calling to recruit people, and had no qualms about inviting Jared, despite the possible difficulties they might encounter. Rob would come, she assured. And that was that.

Jared wasn’t sure how keen Rob was at the idea of a hay ride in the first place. He seemed pretty busy – and more the serious type – not one to jump at fun activities. So he wasn’t really sure how it was going to be, depending on Rob to help out.

But as it turned out, Jared needn’t have worried.

“Just tell me what you need,” Rob had said, and then he had stood there expectantly.

Jared sized him up. “How much do you bench?” he asked jokingly.

“I can lift you,” Rob assured, sounding almost bored at the prospect of hauling Jared onto the bed of hay.

“All right,” Jared agreed, shrugging. He didn’t buy this nonchalant attitude for a second, but Alex had assured him that all would be well, and he was holding her to it.

Effortlessly, Rob stooped and picked up Jared, setting him up near the edge. “You got it while I climb up here?” Rob asked, seeing Jared’s balance wasn’t the best.

“I’m right here,” Alex called, her voice muffled from behind Jared. “Climb up.”

“Hey, thanks,” Jared spoke, trying to address both of them at once.

“Whoa,” Alex laughed, as Jared lurched to one side. She easily put her arms around his stomach, trying to anchor him so he didn’t fall off the edge.

“Okay, where do you wanna be?” Rob wondered, brushing hay off his jeans.

“Didn’t realize this thing had no sides…” Jared observed casually, hoping the tone masked the concern he felt.

“Here,” Rob got behind him, hauling him backward a few feet until he was in the middle, completely surrounded by kids.

“Oh this is much better,” Jared quipped, leaning back on his hands, unsure of how he would stay seated when the horses jerked to life.

“I’m not done with you yet,” Rob assured, moving quickly to take Alex’s place and sending her to take care of the chair, and make sure it was out of the way.

“I can’t really just toss it up here,” she informed him.

Rob raised one eyebrow in the near-darkness. “I didn’t ask you to throw the thing on here, just put it inside.”

“He needs it, though,” Alex insisted.

“He doesn’t need it as long as I’m here,” Rob shot back.

Jared looked back and forth mildly before asking, “Do you two always bicker like old, married folks?”

“Girlfriend.” Rob spoke lowly. His tone dared Jared to say anything more about he and Alex.

“Gotcha,” Jared breathed, understanding. “Oh yeah, it’s you and Kylie Hall, right?”

“Hey!” Micah called from among the masses. “What’s up with that? No wheels?”

“Nope,” Jared returned, trying not to be irritated. After all most people didn’t see his wheelchair as an integral part of him or even as personal property – they saw it as a toy.

“Yeah, it’s me and Kylie,” Rob said quietly.

Jared sighed involuntarily. “Lucky man.”

“I am,” Rob agreed, unable to keep the tenderness out of his voice.

It wasn’t much longer when someone grabbed a handful of leaves and stuffed them down the back of someone else’s shirt. In no time, all out war had begun, and Jared’s breathing quickened, hating more than anything to be surrounded by chaos.

Rob stayed put, straddling Jared, hoping two sets of legs would have less chance of being stepped on, knowing that Jared wouldn’t feel a thing, but would probably come away with a bad bruise. He held tighter, wanting to make sure Jared didn’t get knocked over in the madness.

However, the magnitude of the situation didn’t settle down much. They were shoved and Micah even managed to get leaves down Jared’s back.

He cursed. He’d have a hell of a time taking care of all that. Micah didn’t leave Rob out of the fun either, and took advantage of his position by doing the same to him.

Rob was more mild-mannered, and barely moved, not wanting to jostle Jared, who really seemed to be having a tough time with this.

When they finally stopped, to head to the bonfire, Rob waited until everyone else cleared off, before helping Jared.

Rob was surprised when, as soon as he moved from behind, Jared started pulling his own weight to the edge. Rob let him go to it, standing by, and waiting. Once Jared was closer, Rob wordlessly scooped him up, and prepared for the drop he’d encounter, between the hay bed and the ground.

“You ready?” Rob asked, trying to shake the leaves from his shirt.

“Go for it,” Jared offered, still feeling the irritating prickle of leaves on his upper back.

So Rob got down, carrying Jared the distance to where the bonfire blazed. Rob snagged a chair with his foot, and set Jared down amiably.

“You got this?” Rob asked, brushing his hands off.

Jared nodded sagely. “Yeah, I think I’ve pretty much mastered sitting on my ass,” he muttered sarcastically.

“Dude, there’s kids here, shouldn’t you watch your mouth?” Rob asked, feeling big-brother mode kick in.

Jared rolled his eyes. “Man, they have dirtier mouths than I do!”

“Whatever,” Rob sat down himself, automatically thinking of his sister and girlfriend. He still felt bad for coming, when he had so much responsibility on him at home. But Alex had been persuasive, asking him to come so that Jared would get the opportunity to come and not have to worry about getting around. It was only fair, she had reasoned, since none of the rest of them had to worry about that. And realizing how badly he wanted the same kind of consideration for Elise, he had agreed.

--

Rob tried to be open-minded about the bonfire. After all, he had agreed to volunteer and help out. True, it was more for Jared’s benefit than the youth group, still he felt strange in the midst of such normalcy, such absent-minded time wasting. For a whole hour, he had sat there, while they sang song after song. Then, they had eaten up another hour with mindless talk, and silliness; when all Rob wanted to do was go home and check on Elise.

--

The bonfire was a success, though it left Rob with the firm conviction that, if not for Jared, he wouldn’t have come. He just didn’t fit in with the general population anymore. He was the brother of a girl with a head injury. He had medical bills to pay off, an apartment to keep, a custody battle to fight, and most of all, a sister to look after.

His stomach twisted, uncomfortably. The guilt he’d felt, since the day he’d gotten the call from the hospital came back to eat at him. He should have paid more attention to this bastard his mom was dating, and not just seen him as a deal-breaker. He should have seen him for what he was.

Rob clenched his fists tightly, wanting more than anything to have noticed something different about Elise, the last Christmas he had visited. Surely a man couldn’t become so violent all at once. There had to have been more than that one occurrence. But Elise still couldn’t talk about it. She couldn’t think about it without becoming hysterical more often than not.

As he always did, Rob ran the Christmas visit through his head, examining every detail. Elise had looked beautiful that morning, but what about the night before, without make-up? Rob tried to remember if he had seen anything, a bruise, swelling… Anything that he might have missed that could have tipped him off that she was being beaten.

And then it came to him with so much clarity he almost wanted to vomit. She’d almost always had bruises. Not on her face or neck, but her arms and legs. He had asked her about them, and Elise had shrugged them off, attributing them to gymnastics practice. He had bought it. Except that at fourteen she had been in gymnastics too, and she hadn’t had near as many black and blue marks…

Rob’s head spun. He’d been in the recliner most of the night – a habit he’d developed when Elise had moved in. Against his will, Rob walked across the room and sat beside her on the pull out. He stroked her head where hair had been left to cover the surgical scar, but not nearly as much as the other side of her head. This always brought her awake, and without much fuss, if the touch was gentle.

“Hey,” he greeted softly.

“Robby,” she mumbled softly. “You’re back.”

“Yeah…I just wanted to ask something. You don’t have to say a lot, just yes or no…” Rob hedged, hating to bring up such a sensitive subject with Elise.

She nodded sleepily, always very cooperative when she was tired.

“Before… I mean… Did he… Did he hit you before?” Rob’s eyes were dark with pain.

Silently, Elise nodded.

“Like, on Christmas… Do you remember Christmas, when I came?” Rob tried.

“Mm-hm,” she affirmed, sniffling a little.

Rob shifted, taking her hand. “Was he hitting you then?”

“…Yes,” her voice broke, and tears wet her cheeks.

“I’m sorry, honey,” Rob apologized, gathering her in his arms. “I didn’t wanna make you cry, I’m sorry,” he kept his arms around her, rocking slightly. “You must think I’m a bad big brother,” he commented wryly. “Going out to have fun without you and then coming home…” Rob trailed off, feeling Elise shake her head.

It was quiet for a moment and then he heard it, strangled with tears. “No… …Love you,” she insisted, clutching his shirt.

“I love you, too. I’m just so sorry I didn’t help you,” he wept helplessly.

Rendered silent again, Elise rubbed his back, wishing she could tell him she didn’t blame him. She shifted, so she could rest her head on his shoulder. Within minutes she was asleep again, dreaming of her brother in a cape, flipping through the air to come to her rescue. It was the first time since the assault that she had a dream that wasn’t of the night she’d gotten pulled from bed, and subsequently had her whole world changed…

--

Alex rubbed her eyes and looked at the clock. It was three in the morning, and it wasn’t the alarm that had woken her up, it was her cell phone.

Her room was bathed in darkness, and the red numbers on her clock glared her direction, a constant reminder that she had no business awake at this hour, much less fielding a phone call. Alex tried to clear her head of sleep, and focus on answering the call. But the dream she’d been having was still vivid in her mind.

She’d been at Micah’s, as she was so often. Except this time it had been different. The undetectable lump on her neck had grown to an alarming size, and yet, no one around her noticed. Later, she’d dreamt of sharp needles, and anesthetic; of being alone in a hospital room – she swore she could still smell the distinct hospital scent.

Slowly her mind came back to the here and now. Her phone was going off. The cow ring tone sounded absurd, and suddenly it caused unnatural feelings of unease to creep up.

Immediately anxious, she picked it up, not recognizing the name on her caller ID.

“Hello? This is Alex,” she said, hoping she’d clue whomever it was in to the fact that they’d dialed the wrong number.

“Just who I was lookin’ for,” a tired voice returned.

“Jared?” Alex guessed. He was the only person she could think of who would give such a casual retort after calling in the middle of the night.

“Hey, I’m impressed,” he exclaimed softly.

“What’s up?” Alex asked, choosing to go the relaxed way herself.

Jared shifted in bed, trying to get comfortable. “Not much. I was just up, and thought I’d call,” he offered.

“Are you okay?” she tried again, growing concerned by his evasive answers.

“Not really,” Jared admitted. “I keep having these dreams… It sucks to wake up, because I know it’s real then.”

“You’re losing me,” Alex said, wondering what he was talking about.

“In my dreams I’m walking…” he said simply.

“Oh. Yeah, that would suck.” Alex returned sympathetically.

“And then I wake up and I realize…it slaps me upside the head…that I’m not normal. I’m different now, and no one gets how weird it is – even for me – to not be able to do stuff.”

“I won’t even pretend to get it, ‘cause I don’t.” Alex ventured.

“That’s all right. I just couldn’t sleep,” Jared dismissed. Quickly switching topics, Jared asked, “So, you think your friends will ever get a clue?” he asked, surveying his room. The trapeze above his bed always made him feel like a failure.

“Dude, don’t ask me. I have no idea. For your sake, and for Rob and Elise I hope they do, because this is beginning to seriously bite.”

Jared was silent.

“So, do you hurt?” Alex asked curiously.

“Inside,” he nearly whispered. “Oh, you didn’t mean that way,” Jared blushed, feeling glad she couldn’t see his face then.

“No, I didn’t mean that way, but thanks for telling me anyway.”

“Sure…” Jared sounded doubtful, still trying to get over his slip up.

On his end of the call, Jared struggled for composure, not at all planning to have a breakdown. But his dreams were the only piece of his prior life that he had left to hold onto. And no one could really get how amazingly hard it was on him. They didn’t know he woke up night after night with the false freedom of thinking he could walk, and then the reality slamming into him like a ton of bricks as his legs lay like dead weights under the blankets – he wasn’t going to be walking again.

It was hard to grasp the reality that this, in fact, was his life now. He was bound to this wheelchair for the rest of his life. Jared doubted it would have been so bad if he had even been raised with some kind of disability. Instead, he’d had it thrust upon him at twenty years old, and he really didn’t know if he could fully get used to or accept this. He had always grown up with the conviction that everything happened for a reason, but he couldn’t fathom what reason God had for taking his legs from him. If it was even God at all…and if it wasn’t God, then why hadn’t He stopped it?

Jared knew he shouldn’t be angry, but he hadn’t been able to shake the depth of emotions that cascaded through him on a daily basis now, especially at times like these, when the realization came so fast, and so fresh – almost with no warning at all.

“Did you just wanna talk? Or what?” Alex asked curiously, uncomfortable with the lengthy silence. “I mean, did you want something specific? Prayer?”

“I don’t know. I don’t mind prayer, I just…” Jared sighed. “I just don’t know where I’m at with God right now. We’re not exactly speaking to each other.”

“You might not be speaking to Him, but I guarantee you that He’s definitely speaking to you. And, hey, I just kinda said prayer because it came to mind. I don’t have to do that.” Alex amended.

“Do you believe that God allows crap to happen?” Jared asked seriously. “Or do you think it’s always Satan?”

“There are times when God allows things, I do believe that.” Alex answered honestly, unable to keep thoughts of her own health uncertainties at bay. “At times, it’s Satan, but I don’t think we can put every negative thing, and blame it on Satan. Sometimes God uses those things to show us something, or to help someone else. I mean, I don’t know how God works, but I know that.”

“Could you just talk? I feel like crap – like I’ll never amount to anything and nobody will care one way or the other.” Jared confessed so quietly, Alex wasn’t sure she heard.

Not hesitating in the slightest, Alex fell into song, as naturally as if it were her first language, and speaking her second.

“When the rain is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case, I would offer you a warm embrace to make you feel my love. When evening shadows and the stars appear, and there is no one there to dry your tears, I could hold you for a million years to make you feel my love.

“I know you haven't made your mind up yet, but I would never do you wrong. I've known it from the moment that we met; no doubt in my mind where you belong. I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue. I'd go crawling down the avenue. There's nothing that I wouldn't do to make you feel my love.

“The storms are raging on the rollin' sea and on the highway of regret. The winds of change are blowing wild and free; you ain't seen nothing like me yet. I could make you happy, make your dreams come true. Nothing that I wouldn't do. Go to the ends of the earth for you to make you feel my love.”

Jared lay in bed stunned. He had no idea that Alex could sing, and that song was just what he needed to hear. Not a profession of love, not a lullaby, though it definitely had potential to be that. But just an admission that someone cared about what he was going through.

“Wow,” he said simply.

“Sometimes it just helps to have someone there,” Alex offered, not quite sure what she was driving at.

“Yeah, it does.”

“Hold on…I need to go get a pudding,” Alex said suddenly.

Jared blinked. “You need a pudding? For what? It’s three in the morning.”

“So?” she challenged. “Singing makes me hungry.” Expertly, she stole into the kitchen, cell phone still in hand, and opened the refrigerator. “Ooh, Chocolate Fudge Swirl,” she exclaimed, happily peeling back the lid and licking it clean.

“What’s a Chocolate Fudge Swirl?” Jared inquired, confused now.

“It’s a pudding flavor,” Alex whispered, going quickly back to her room with her Snack Pack Big Cup and a spoon.

“Whatever happened to chocolate and vanilla?” Jared asked blandly.

Alex licked the spoon with gusto. “They got replaced by the cooler flavors,” she said matter-of-factly.

They sat in silence, Jared gratefully listening to Alex consume her snack, and not having to worry about filling the silence.

“Oh, that was so good!” Alex moaned.

“You act like you haven’t seen food in a year,” Jared quipped.

“Hey, I had supper at like, six last night, and it’s three-thirty in the morning,” Alex defended.

“Okay, okay, you’re allowed,” Jared sighed.

“Thank you,” Alex smiled. She loved pudding.

By then, she had turned her bedroom light on and was marching back and forth, stopping for a minute in front of her mirror to study her reflection. Her hair was incredible. Half of it was matted and stuck hopelessly to the side of her head and the other was frizzy. She was wearing her favorite nightgown with the fuzzy teddy bear on the front. It went all the way to her ankles, and almost brushed the floor. Getting an idea, Alex turned and stuck each foot under her bed and donned her slippers. As she stepped, a realistic growl sounded from each foot.

“Hey, Jared? Can you hear my slippers?” Alex held the phone down by one foot, and made the bear slipper say “Grr.”

“Do I even wanna know what that is?” Jared asked, smiling in spite of himself.

“It’s my bear slipper, they’re so cool!” she grinned.

And Jared had to admit he didn’t regret in the slightest his decision to call Alex. She had this uncanny ability to make it clear she cared about him, and in the next minute completely take his mind off his trouble by entertaining him with silly things like bear slippers that growled. He felt himself relaxing finally, grateful beyond words that he had a quirky, and unflinchingly caring friend who he could turn to – even in his darkest moments, when he wished for himself what he knew he could never have again.

Yet somehow, at moments like that, the desire to walk again, to be the person he used to be was less – the pain less acute. There was something so innocent about enjoying the simplicities life had to offer, even when you were enduring hardship. Jared missed that sense of optimism, that childlike ability to find joy in the little things that he had possessed growing up. He was glad to have found it again in Alex.

He knew that in spite of all the insensitivity he had encountered at the cell group, that he couldn’t regret going. He and Alex had been comfortable with one another right away, and she seemed to know what he needed. Jared lay back in bed again, still hearing Alex rambling on and on, and somehow knowing that she would be awake long after he hung up with her. He took a deep breath, and expelled it, knowing that he had something real here. And vowing that no matter how offended he got, he wouldn’t quit going to this group. Because every once in a while, someone like Alex came along, and he just couldn’t ignore that.

It was only after he hung up with Alex that he realized how honest he’d been with her. Where it usually would make him panic and wish he could retract every word he’d spoken – instead he felt peace, and knew it was okay to let himself be real, even about the demons that haunted his past, and his present. In fact, Jared knew that Alex wouldn’t have it any other way.