Christian got up early on the Wednesday when Emily had to go with Jonathan to be with Morgan to her rehab. Christian asked if he could go, too, because he was very good at helping people get better - and especially at cheering for them to do their best and using his indoor voice when they needed to concentrate.
He knew all about rehab from when his mom had to be in it after the bad guy hurt her head so she forgot how to do stuff. She was already a lot better, but she wasn’t all the way the same. Christian thought that was how it would probably be with Morgan, too. She would have a hard time with some things, like his mom did with her balance and finding words and with her head hurting sometimes.
Even though Christian couldn’t go with to help Morgan at her rehab, he could still make Emily have a good day before she left. He knew just how to do it, too. It was the same way with every girl. Christian knew that because his mom told him. All girls liked breakfast in bed.
He got a big bowl and poured a lot of Golden Grahams in it, because Emily liked to eat a lot of food, and it was important to have a good breakfast, especially when you had a big day ahead of you like she did. Christian poured milk on the cereal very careful.
Christian went down the hall as quiet as a mouse, opening the bedroom door that was already partway opened, by bumping his shoulder into it. He was allowed to go inside Emily and Libby’s room because it wasn’t Morgan’s room, and it didn’t have anything dangerous in it.
He set the cereal on Emily’s little table by her bed. Then, he turned around and ran back to the kitchen. He got her a banana and a juice box. After that, he brought the box of cereal in and sat on the floor, eating and being careful not to spill any pieces. He also brought in his new favorite book called Where The Wild Things Are. It was his favorite because Max was a wild thing and his mom called him a wild thing, too. Plus, his mom and him read it together every night.
Now that Christian was five, he was learning important stuff like reading. He couldn’t really do it yet, but he was starting out, and doing very good according to his mom. He could sound out words just like she taught him.
An alarm clock buzzed and made all of them jump a little bit, but Emily shut it off fast.
“Christian,” she said tiredly, sitting up from where she was sleeping with her bed very close to Libby’s so they didn’t get scared. “What are you doing in here?”
He smiled proudly at her. “I made you breakfast,” he told her gesturing at the big Tupperware bowl she usually filled with popcorn, filled with cereal and milk instead. “So you could start your day off good!”
“Aw, thank you. That’s nice of you,” she whispered so they didn’t wake up Libby, who fell back on her pillow when Emily turned the alarm off. “Let’s take this out of here, though, so Libby can sleep.”
Christian carried the cereal box and the book, and Emily carried everything else, because she was very strong.
“That was really nice of you to make me breakfast,” she complimented. “We should get you some breakfast, too, huh? Or do you just want to share with me? I could use your help eating this,” she told him, smiling.
“I was hoping you’d say that,” he grinned, pulling out a giant spoon and dipping it in the cereal to take a big bite.
“Are you excited for school today?” she asked, taking out an identical spoon and enjoying it.
“Sort of,” he said. “Well, not as much as usual. Because you won’t be here when I come back. Or Jon, either. And Morgan’s still gone. That sort of makes it hard to think about stuff…”
Emily felt a pang of sympathy for him. He was just a little guy and he was sure dealing with a lot of change and disruption in his life. And from what she knew about his and Jess’s life before this, it hadn’t been any easier then.
“Well, you just remember that Jon and I are helping Morgan, but we’ll be back, and that a little while after that, Morgan will be back, too. Someday, we’ll all be together again,” she promised. “Just like before.”
“So you’re not going to school?” he asked, the thought just occurring to him.
“Nope,” Emily said brightly. Anytime she could have an excuse to get out of class, it was a good day, especially when she had the opportunity to help a friend.
“But don’t you have to go to school?” Christian asked. “Don’t you get in trouble if you don’t go?”
“Well, sometimes, taking care of your family and friends is more important,” Emily explained, crunching on another bite of cereal.
“I think it’s always more important,” Christian said, resting his head on Emily’s arm.
--
Jon wished he had a brownie, or something really awesome to start his day off right. It wasn’t natural to be awake before six in the morning if he didn’t have to be. Especially if he had already gotten out of classes, too.
But this was for Morgan, and Jon hoped to God that if he had been in a similar situation, that one of his friends would be there for him, especially if his family wasn’t. True, shelling out a bunch of money wasn’t something Jonathan particularly enjoyed, and neither was the prospect of spending twelve-hour days at a treatment center learning about addiction, but again, it was for Morgan.
It was kind of ironic in a way, to consider that it was himself and Emily who ended up with the resources and the willingness to show up. Everyone else had either one or the other. No one but he and Emily had both. And they decided they both should go, since Emily actually lived with Morgan, and Jon just wanted the opportunity to understand Morgan, and what she was enduring. He wanted to do something. Take an active role in this, to be prepared, and do what he could to at least see the signs if Morgan were ever in this kind of trouble again.
He drove to pick up Emily, having already stopped by Starbucks to pick them up some serious caffeine. He got himself an iced white mocha and Em some kind of mocha java thing that she always drank. It was beyond him why both of them preferred cold drinks on already cold mornings, but it was what it was. He also brought her a thick slice of brownie, in case she was still hungry. Knowing Emily, chances were good that she would be.
“Morning,” she greeted, tossing a bag in the back seat of the car. Jon had his own back there, too. It would be pointless to make the hour drive there and back four times, so he and Emily had packed and made reservations at a hotel. It was just easier to be close by for this. He could see she had dressed comfortably, but was never frumpy, in black skinny jeans and a relaxed gray sweater, with her hair pulled up in a ponytail. This would be what Emily called “business casual.”
Jon had dressed in a smart black slacks, his blue button-down shirt with a collar, and his brown knit hat with the bill. He hadn’t been able to shake the habit of wearing a hat when he was going to be around a lot of people. If they didn’t see the scar right away, his shock of blonde hair gave him away.
“You look nice,” she complimented, thanking him for the coffee. “Oh, my God. Is this for me?” she asked, sniffing the air in the car and detecting the scent of the freshly-baked brownie first, and finally spotting it on the dashboard.
Jon nodded, “I had one already. Figured you might need one, though.”
“Well, I already had a huge bowl of cereal, a banana and some juice, courtesy of Christian, but there is always room in this body for chocolate.”
Silence fell as Emily ate, and Jon drove, remembering the last time he had made this trip. He remembered Morgan’s still-not-sober talk of tattoos, not being controlled, of selling herself. He remembered how her hand had rested uncomfortably on his leg, and how, only after he called her out on it, she looked ashamed. It was like finally, for a second, she came back into herself. Jon prayed that by two weeks in, the drugs were finally out of her system, so that she could start to truly heal.
“So, are you ready for this?” Jon asked, trying to keep his nerves hidden. He hadn’t slept well since Morgan had been checked in here. He hoped that seeing how she was progressing would put his mind at ease.
“Do you think they’re going to ask us stuff?” Emily asked, uncertain for the first time.
“They’ll ask us to participate,” Jon said easily. “And we will.”
Quiet enveloped the car for the rest of the ride. Jon’s mind wandered, until he remembered that he ought to pray. He needed as much strength as God could spare for this. As much humility, compassion and love, too.
--
Morgan was messing with her hair. Really, the last thing she needed to be doing was worrying about the fact that she didn’t have a hat today. It was the start of Family Week, and none of her family was coming. She supposed that would be okay. A lot of the ladies here didn’t have their families coming either. But a lot of them didn’t have families. Morgan did. Hers just refused to come, saying there was no point since she obviously wanted to waste her life. When she pressed, they admitted it was too expensive.
She had no idea how they managed extravagant vacations to Mexican resorts but couldn’t somehow find the money to be here for something as important as this. But, she guessed, they had a right to be mad. As Morgan was learning, whatever the reason she had started using, it wasn’t an excuse. So, she would have to learn to make her own way now, and make better choices and be the adult she was.
The last people she expected to see, while waiting in the lobby to show support to everyone else who had family there, were Emily and Jonathan. She had thought no one was coming for her, and definitely didn’t anticipate her friends dropping everything for her for four days. That wasn’t even factoring in the money. Jon had done more than enough in helping to save her life, and Emily had been nothing but sweet and supportive, never asking Morgan questions she wasn’t ready to answer.
“What are you guys doing here?” she asked, her face breaking into a wide smile. Now, she sort of wished she had dressed up a little more. She was in tennis shoes, jeans and an old turquoise tee shirt with PEACE AND LOVE stenciled in yellow letters on the front. Emily and Jon looked fit to attend a series of business meetings.
“Legend mentioned it to you,” Emily reminded, enfolding Morgan in a hug. “Coby, too.”
“Sorry, my short-term memory kind of sucks still,” Morgan acknowledged, clearing her throat and sending Jon a wave.
Even though she hadn’t seen him since he dropped her off, Morgan found she still didn’t she could trust herself to touch him and not push things. Luckily, Jon was cool and waved back. Then, he extended a hand, a questioning expression on his face.
Morgan laughed and shook his hand firmly. “Thank you so much for coming. You didn’t have to at all, but I’m so glad you did.”
The two of them joined Morgan for breakfast, Emily sending a conspiratorial smile to Jonathan.
“What?” Morgan asked, shoveling scrambled eggs onto her fork.
“Well,” Jon divulged, his tone secretive, too. “This will be Em’s third breakfast since she got up this morning.”
“No way,” Morgan denied. Emily was known to put away a lot of food, but even that was a little excessive for her. “Are you going to be okay, or will Jonathan have to roll you home tonight?”
“Nah, I’ll be fine,” Emily assured her. She took a bite of the hash browns just because they looked so good, even though she was beyond full. “Mmm,” she groaned.
“We gotta eat fast. Things are going to start soon. Are you two going to want anything? Coffee for the road?” she asked, surprising them both.
It was then that Jon realized that coffee was actually brewing, and Morgan wasn’t freaking out. “Seriously? Are you kicking all your issues to the curb at once?” he asked, impressed.
“That’s kind of the idea, yeah,” Morgan nodded. She glanced at Emily and smiled, “Just wait ‘til you can tell the girls they can make coffee again. Ooh, maybe not. I forgot Lib. Well, maybe I can talk to her. Tell her how I‘m dealing with it.”
“Pizza?” Emily hedged. She didn’t want to wreck the fun spirit of the conversation, but she needed to know. She loved pizza with a passion, and missed being able to eat it with her friends.
“Yeah, I’ve had that here, too.” Morgan smiled, taking Emily’s hand and squeezing it.
“That’s awesome. I’m proud of you,” Jon told her sincerely, instead of asking her how she was doing dealing with her addiction and withdrawals and stuff.
He had hated it when he told his family he was able to go back and actually sit through one class and their immediate response had been, “Well, when will you be able to go back full-time?” Jon knew they loved him. That wasn’t the issue. It was that they didn’t realize what a huge accomplishment it was for Jon to be able to sit through a class and not need to excuse himself for any reason. Because of that, he made a point to really try and take the positive things as the big accomplishments that they were.
Then, Jon and Emily were split up from Morgan and they went to their own lecture, while Morgan went to hers. Emily and Jonathan learned that addiction was a disease, which was something they had always heard, but never fully grasped until seeing the lit up brain scans of addicts when they were shown a picture of their drug of choice. Beside the lit-up brain, their was a regular brain of someone who wasn’t an addict, being shown the same drug.
Emily felt sure that she wouldn’t be able to look at their medicine cabinet at home without thinking about Morgan’s brain, lit up like a Christmas tree, because it was triggered and craving pills and stuff. It was sad, but it was reality, and Emily was paying attention.
They learned that they couldn’t control Morgan’s using, that they didn’t cause it, and they couldn’t cure it. They learned about acceptance and responsibility, and what it meant to detach with love.
The concept of detaching himself from someone who obviously needed so much help and support was foreign to Jon, but he struggled to stay open to it, and listened until he realized that it did make sense. They couldn’t all be so entwined in this aspect of Morgan’s life. This was her battle and her demon to beat. That didn’t mean Emily, Jon and the rest couldn’t be there to show support, but they weren’t supposed to be breathing down her neck about it, or letting her suck them into her manipulating mentality, especially if she relapsed. And, they were warned, relapse was common.
Jon and Emily went to bed that night, both too exhausted even to dream. They were back at 7:30 the next morning for breakfast, and then headed off to their own sessions. That day they heard horrifying stories from people who were addicts. Stories of the crazy situations they got themselves into, and shocking things they did when they were high.
They got used to introducing themselves as “Jonathan” or “Emily - friend of a drug addict.” At first the words were hard to say, but hearing the room full of family members saying similar things about their loved ones, it got a little easier.
That was also the day they saw the role-plays about what it was like for a drug addict or alcoholic to deal with their chosen substance. How difficult it was to turn down. The whole experience was eye-opening.
--
Next on the agenda, and one of the last things they did was speak to the counselor on day three, with Morgan. About the plan of action once she came home. What she wanted to happen if she should relapse. In short, all the unpleasant stuff that no one wanted to talk about, but they all needed to discuss.
“I really want to be held accountable, if that’s cool with you guys,” Morgan told them candidly. “I’m not saying that you need to be responsible for me, because this is my thing. But I don’t want you to be afraid to ask me if I took anything.”
“But…won’t you lie?” Emily asked cautiously.
“I hide it well, but if you ask me straight out, it’s hard for me to lie.”
“You don’t really want us to ask, though,” Jon pointed out.
“No…” Morgan admitted. “The addict in me really doesn’t want you to be involved in anything. That part of me wants to be left the hell alone to do whatever I want. But I want you to do this. If I did something, or I’m planning to do something, I’ll be pissy or try to play it off like it’s nothing. If I’m really cool then I’ll answer you straight.”
“We’ll see,” Jon nodded, skeptically.
“You have no reason to trust me,” Morgan nodded, “And you shouldn’t. I’m two weeks clean and sober. I have at least two more weeks here and then some time in a sober house after that, hopefully.”
“What if you mess up again?” Emily asked carefully.
“If I relapse?” Morgan clarified. “I want to be called out on it. Confronted.”
Jonathan closed his eyes. “Okay,” he nodded.
“If you use at our house, though,” Emily warned. “You’ll be out the door.”
--
On day four, Jonathan and Emily were finally reunited with Morgan for more than just meals. They sat in on, and were quite involved in, a session with Morgan’s main drug counselor. The first thing they were asked to do was to draw a picture.
The counselor had laid out a huge piece of butcher paper, with markers, crayons, colored pencils and paint and instructed all three of them to draw a separate picture.
Emily set to work immediately, drawing a crazy fun bird with lots of colorful feathers and a broken wing. It was surrounded by lots of other crazy fun birds, made up of different colors and mediums. Hungry ones, with their mouths open. There were lots of worms all around, but the big crazy bird couldn’t get them, but she was acting like she could.
Jon was hard at work on his drawing of a house with many different rooms. It was drawn as if the front wall had been taken off. Like it was a dollhouse, with a full view of what was happening inside. In each room, he drew a little stick person and labeled them with the name of another one of his friends.
He put Jess and Christian in the kitchen, because he read somewhere that the kitchen was the heart of a home. Liam, he stuck in one bedroom. Nate, in another, and so on. Everyone occupied a bedroom except for Jess and Christian. And also Morgan. Because Jon had put Morgan in the bathroom, because he felt like the bathroom symbolized intense privacy, secrecy or shame. He drew himself outside the scene looking in at it.
Morgan had commandeered a whole section of paper and was sprawled on the floor. She had scrawled her own name in big letters, and some distance away, surrounding her name, like a circle, were the names of all her friends. They were running into one another, making one big name instead of so many small ones. She included Christian and Cary and even Liam in the circle, just because it seemed right.
Then, she wrote the word SORRY in loopy letters, extending out from her name, to the names of every single one of her friends. The youngest, the newest, the crappiest. It didn’t matter. Morgan was sorry to them all, and she kept doing it, writing the word over and over until her section of paper resembled a spoked wheel of words.
When her counselor encouraged them to share what they had drawn, Jon went first, pointing out his little house, and everyone in their own little rooms.
“Well, I drew a house. Pretty basic layout. The kitchen, bedrooms, bathroom. I put each one of us in a separate room, and I’m out here looking in. Pretty much everyone is in a bedroom, except for Jess and Christian, who are in the kitchen, because that’s like the heart of a household, and I feel like Jess is definitely the heart of us. And I put Morgan in the bathroom because I think it’s like, very private, and she wanted to hide things from us. What she was doing. How she really felt… She’s in the bathroom because it’s as secret as you can get, and because she’s ashamed…of what was done to her, and what she’s doing now. And I’m outside because I can see everybody fragmented off in their own space, but I don’t know how to bring them together, or where I fit.”
“Okay. Good,” the counselor nodded, clearly happy with the thought Jonathan had put into his picture.
Emily volunteered to go next. “This is a bird. It’s supposed to be Morgan, I guess. And these other birds are all of us. And Morgan is supposed to take care of all of us but she can’t because her wing is broken. Only we don’t know that, because she’s hiding it. We’re all really hungry, and there’s food here, but we can’t get it because we’ve all been kind of reduced by what we went through. And Morgan I guess, has been relied on more. We’re all relying on just her to take care of us, when we should be relying on each other, and taking a closer look at each other and at Morgan, to see what’s really going on.”
Morgan looked on, stunned at Jon’s portrayal of all of them compartmentalized, grieving by themselves in bedrooms, herself in the bathroom, hiding from all of them, and Jon wondering how to fix everything. And Emily’s startling picture of the pressure she had so often felt, being the strong one that everyone needed, and looked to. While all the time, her wing really was broken, so to speak.
She cleared her throat, uncomfortable. “Well, I’m not really an artist as much as I’m a writer, so this is me,” she pointed to her own name. “And these are all of you in a circle around me. And what’s connecting us,” Morgan managed around the lump that had lodged in her throat, “Is my apology.”
Morgan looked at Jon and Emily, in turn. “I’m so sorry, you guys. I’m sorry for lying to you, for stealing from you. I’m sorry for being selfish and for not reaching out when I needed help. I’m just sorry. So sorry…” she said, swallowing back her tears but failing. They came anyway, just as surely as Emily’s arms came around her, to hold her.
“We love you,” Jon told her honestly, his own voice cracking. “We want you here. Not as our rock, but just as yourself. We miss you.”
Tentatively, Morgan reached out and squeezed his hand.
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