It seems like forever since we’ve had a Madness over here. Not since Jess’s spaghetti. Bryan just called and asked if the AP Crew - the Anti-Pizza Crew - that’s what he started calling me, Nate and Lib since he found out that they were a part of my no-pizza announcement. Anyway, he asked if I’d be okay with lasagna. I guess since it’s Italian like pizza, he thought he’d check and see if I was okay with it. He already talked to Libby and Nate too. Such a great guy. So yeah, we’re doing a potluck thing for Monday Madness this week. Jess is hell-bent on making that meatloaf, so Legend and I are helping with that, the potatoes and sweet potatoes. Libby and CJ are up to their elbows in cookie dough - making a double-batch of homemade chocolate chip ones. The guys are all bringing stuff too. Bryan’s lasagna is the best thing on the planet next to Jess’s spaghetti. I have no clue what the other guys are bringing. So few of them can cook at all. Oh, and Belle, Elise and Gabe are showing up, too. It’ll be busy but great. Gotta go, the kitchen’s calling.
“Morgan!” Legend hollered. “Get out here and peel some potatoes!”
On her way to the kitchen, a general state of chaos could be heard. Christian and Libby were giggling like hyenas as they were finishing up the first batch of cookies.
“I hope you both have clean hands,” Jess warned, her hands in the bowl of uncooked meatloaf ingredients, mixing it together. Libby and Christian definitely had their own way of doing things. Though they had a mixer at their disposal - and had used it - they were covered in dough.
“Yes, Mom!” Christian answered.
“Yes, Mom!” Libby echoed, just to make him giggle.
“Hey!” Christian exclaimed, laughing. “That’s my mom!”
“It is? Sorry, I forgot.” Libby apologized, positioning her body so it blocked Jess’s view of Christian, and letting him lick the beaters - though they were going to use them again on the second batch of cookies. It was so much fun combining all the ingredients, Libby preferred making two separate batches instead of one big one.
“Mmm!” he said happily.
Morgan turned from the sink to see Christian busily trying to coax his little tongue through all the openings of one beater - determined to lick it spotless. “Libby, come on,” she chastised lightly. “Don’t let him do that.”
“What?” Jess turned, trying to see through Libby to her child.
Legend sighed. “Hey Lib. You make a better door than a window,” she called, hoping her friend would take the hint.
“She’s letting Christian eat the dough,” Morgan supplied.
Libby could feel Jess’s eyes on her, and imagined her standing with her hands on her hips.
“She better not be,” Jess warned. “I don’t want him sick.”
“Not all of it,” Christian protested. “Just what’s on here.” he held out an immaculate beater for his Mom’s inspection.
“It’s fine,” Libby insisted, brushing Jess’s concern off. “Me and Liam ate cookie dough all our lives and we’re fine.”
“So that’s what’s wrong with him,” Morgan quipped, grinning slyly.
“Hey!” Libby objected, laughing. Taking the hand towel from the counter, she swatted Morgan lightly with it.
They worked in contented unison, listening to songs on the radio. Jess eventually gave in and took the chair that Legend offered, relocating to finish her mixing at the table. Morgan finished the potatoes and tried to recruit Christian to get the sweet potatoes.
“Is that squash?” he asked warily, already on a stool washing his hands. “’Cause I don’t really like touching that. It looks funny. And it tastes bad.”
“Young man,” Jess said calmly from the table. She didn’t raise him to give adults a hard time.
Like magic, Christian hopped off the stool and opened the vegetable drawer to give Morgan the icky things she wanted. “Here,” he said, grimacing as he handed them over one at a time.
From her place at the counter, Libby’s eyes grew huge. While Christian was busy at the sink, and generally getting bored, she had decided to get started on the second round of cookies. “Oh my God, it’s conjoined!” she exclaimed.
“What?” Christian asked excitedly, scampering back with his stool to stand beside Libby and look in the bowl.
“That egg!” Libby cried. This was totally gross. “Christian, we are not eating this dough,” she told him seriously.
“Mom! The eggs are stuck together!” he announced gleefully.
“Wow,” Jess agreed from the table, hiding a smile. There was never a shortage of adventure where her boy and Libby were concerned.
“Ew. Oh, my God. Jess, do we still need another egg? I don’t want to crack one. They’re deformed.”
Jess shrugged. She didn’t know if one conjoined egg equaled two separate ones or not, so she looked to Legend, who had come up beside her to move the meatloaf to its pan and then to the oven.
“Let me see,” Morgan interjected, coming between them to investigate. “That’s so cool,” she breathed. “Don’t mix it up yet, I want to take a picture.” Taking off, Morgan went in search of her camera, leaving Libby confused and disgusted, and Christian in awe at the eggs in the bowl.
Legend stepped over to investigate. “Toss another one in just to be safe,” she suggested. Those two look kind of puny.”
“Can you do it?” Libby whined, feeling squeamish.
Nodding, Legend took another egg and prepared to crack it, when Morgan came back in. “Hold on!” she protested. Comically, she aimed her camera into the bowl and zoomed in to get the conjoined egg yolks in all their glory.
“You’re disgusting,” Libby said, wrinkling her nose. “I can see why you and Liam get along.”
Smiling, Morgan turned, waving the camera meaningfully. “Why do you think I took the picture? He’ll never believe this. I need photo proof.”
Closing her eyes, Libby ran the mixer, ignoring Christian’s running commentary on exactly what the eggs were doing in the bowl.
“Everything’s dancing, like a big party,” he explained, smiling at his mom.
Jess laughed and went to wash her hands at the sink.
“See?” Christian urged, once his mom’s hands were clean, pointing at the bowl.
“Yup. Is everything having fun, do you think?” she asked, playing along with his dance party idea.
Christian scrunched up his face. “I don’t know. I think it’s getting kind of dizzy.”
Libby guffawed, forgetting her total repulsion caused by the nasty egg. This kid was too much.
“Hey, CJ? Come set the table with me,” Jess said, taking him by the hand. “The guys should be here soon.”
“Is Emily coming?” he asked, getting the turkey placemats and setting them out like they were supposed to go. He hadn’t seen Emily for a long time.
Jess shook her head. “Emily’s at home with her family now.”
“Oh,” Christian said, as if he understood. “So she’s not in our big family anymore.”
“I guess not,” Jess agreed. “Can you get the…napkins?”
Obediently, Christian brought them back to his mom at the table and then pointed to the placemat. When she started to lose her words was when they played their game. “What’s this?” he asked, smiling.
“That is…a turkey,” Jess tried, with a grin.
“Mom,” Christian sighed, his smile ever-present. “I know it’s a turkey.”
“I give up,” she conceded. “What’s this?” she asked, turning the question on him, gesturing to the thing with the turkey on it.
“Placemat,” he told her clearly.
“Placemat,” she echoed. “Good job.”
“What’s this?” he asked, giving her an easy one, knocking on the table.
“That’s the table, silly!” she exclaimed, ruffling his hair.
He smiled proudly. “You got one, good job!”
“Okay, you two!” Legend laughed, coming in. “Keep working, or we won’t have anything on the table.” They really were too cute together, though.
“Oh, hey, Legend? Can you grab the salt and shaker for me?” Jess asked, distracted, arranging the silverware Morgan had brought. So long as the guys brought something to contribute, it didn’t feel right making them also set the table.
“The what?” Legend asked, momentarily confused.
“Salt and pepper,” Jess told her plainly.
“We got it,” Morgan called, flying Christian into the dining room holding the salt and pepper in each hand.
“Superman!” he announced, the way the TV said it. Flying in Morgan’s arms was the best because she was really strong out of all the girls.
“Wow, Superman delivers,” Jess said, impressed. She kissed his head.
Libby glanced down at her watch as she took more cookies out of the oven and put more in. “I’m about to call my brother and see what the heck is keeping them.”
A knock sounded at the door then, and Christian raced to answer it, tripping over the rug and cracking his chin. He howled in pain as blood started running from his face.
Morgan excused herself, still shaken by the sight of anyone bleeding, and distracted herself by answering the door.
If she was shocked by the sight of all six of their guy friends standing outside, Morgan didn’t show it. She opened the door wider, inviting them in.
“Okay, what’d you do to the kid?” Jonathan asked playfully. They could hear Christian crying from out in the hall. He guessed the whole complex could hear it.
Morgan rolled her eyes. “He fell and split his chin open,” she explained, kissing Jon’s cheek.
He stepped back, shocked that her lips had touched his scar. “I, uh…brought brownies. My mom sent more,” he offered, not knowing what else to say.
“Cool, they’ll go great with the cookies,” Morgan said, sending him through to the kitchen. She went on, greeting all the rest of the guys the same way. Gone were the days of separate, or standoffish greetings depending on the person. They were all her friends. Heroes, really, for different reasons.
As she gave Nate a kiss, Morgan noticed Legend and Libby exiting the kitchen fast.
“Coby,” Morgan called. When he emerged from the small crowd, her eyes fell on the bag of dill pickle chips he carried, and then on his shirt. The one that read I LOVE HOT MOMS. “Nice,” she commented, kissing his cheek. “You wanna go in there? I think Jess is on her own.”
“Got it,” he confirmed, unceremoniously shoving the chips at her as he passed.
Morgan greeted Bryan and Aaron in the same manner, excited at the sight of Bryan’s lasagna and Aaron’s subs - obviously store bought. Nate’s French fries smelled heavenly. Finally, Liam was there.
She leaned in to kiss him intentionally on the mouth and he pulled back. Digging in his pocket, Liam pulled out three different kinds of breath spray and held them out, grinning. They’d finally talked at length about the kissing thing - that she was hesitant - because she remembered how the other guy tasted. Now, Liam came prepared. “Take your pick,” he offered, holding out the peppermint, spearmint and cinnamon flavors.
Laughing, Morgan picked out cinnamon, opting for the strongest one - hoping the taste of something she was fond of would quickly equate in her mind with kissing the man she loved.
Obnoxiously, Liam sprayed three or four times, and then coughed.
Morgan leaned in, smiling her thanks and kissed him long and deep. “Cinnamon’s amazing,” she mumbled.
“You’re amazing,” he countered, dropping the bag he carried on the floor as he moved to hold her.
“Wait,” Morgan pulled away, looking down at what he’d carried. “What’s in that?”
Shrugging, and feeling a little sheepish, Liam pulled out a bottle of ketchup. “For the fries.”
Morgan burst out laughing, swatting him lightly. “Oh, that reminds me! I took the best picture! Come on.”
“What’s it of?” he asked, curious now. Morgan always saved her digital camera for special occasions like skateboarding tournaments, new skating tricks, or the weird stuff only the two of them would find fascinating. Liam knew instinctively that this fell into the third category.
“A conjoined egg,” she told him conspiratorially. “It’s great. I’ll show you,” she led him to the couch, where she turned on her camera and shoved it at him.
“Twisted,” he agreed, nodding in approval. “Is that in the cookie dough?”
“Yeah,” Morgan confirmed, snuggling closer - for a good view of the egg - she told herself.
Liam grimaced. “Remind me not to have any.”
--
“I think he’ll be okay,” Coby announced, studying Christian’s chin. The bleeding was slower now, though Christian still bawled like the world was ending. “Just butterfly it,” he told Jess, sitting across from them on the floor.
She shot him a confused look, so he set Christian in her lap with the towel she was holding against her son’s chin. Coby got up, and hollered for the other girls. “You got butterfly band-aids?” he asked.
Legend was up from her chair in the living room, eager to do something, as long as she didn’t have to see Christian bleeding. It reminded her too much of the sight of his mom bleeding under the table. Rushing into the bathroom, she came out with two and handed them to him.
“Thanks,” he told her, scratching her head affectionately.
Coby returned to the kitchen, where Jess still held Christian. She was singing to him.
“Here we go,” Coby decided, tipping Christian’s head up, even when he tried to fight it. He got the band-aid on, and miraculously, the tears stopped.
Kids and band-aids, Coby shrugged. Life was a mystery.
Christian took off, presumably to show his battle wound to arriving company, leaving Coby and Jess on the floor of the kitchen. Tossing the bloody hand towel in the direction of the sink, Jess leaned in to kiss him.
“What was that for?” he asked breathlessly.
Jess smiled, her eyes falling on the shirt he wore. It took her a few seconds to read what it said, and when she did, a softer smile touched her lips. “It’s for wearing that shirt,” she decided. “Even now.”
“Whatever,” he dismissed her insecurity with a wave of the hand. “There’s never been a hotter mom than you,” he said sweetly and leaned in to kiss her again.
Jess pulled away an amused look making her eyes sparkle. “We should get up. There’s company,” she urged.
So, Coby stood, and bending down, helped Jess to her feet.
--
When another knock sounded at the door, Aaron knew it was Gabe with Belle and Elise. He excused himself from helping organize the food buffet on the counter.
Pulling open the door, he smiled, but the smile fell off his face as his eyes fell on the bag of Costa Rican blended coffee. Aaron thought of his three friends that had such a hard time with smelling coffee at his place that they had to leave. Aaron plucked the coffee from his friend’s hand.
“Uh-uh, man. This is a coffee-free zone.” Aaron told him seriously. He stepped outside the door, placing the coffee out in the hall. “You may come in, but that has to stay out here.”
Gabe looked confused. “But I can’t just leave it out here,” he protested. “It’s Costa Rican.”
“Sorry,” Aaron apologized, not appearing sorry at all. “You two beautiful ladies may enter. There is no coffee on either of you, I assume?”
“We’re clean,” Belle assured, holding her hands up for examination. She only carried a pitcher, appropriate for Kool-Aid or something. Aaron nodded at her, and then at Elise, who showed her plate of brownies stoically.
He shut the door on Gabe, and put his arms around Elise and Belle. “Looks like you’re gonna have some competition,” Aaron told Elise dryly. “Jon brought brownies, too.”
“Well, I think mine are better,” Elise maintained. “What’d you say about my brownies, Belle? I should be on a cooking show?”
Belle shrugged. “Where did Gabe go?”
“Well, Jon’s mom baked his brownies, so get ready for competition,” Aaron challenged good-naturedly.
“Oh great,” Elise moaned. “I’m no match for Mom brownies.”
“Just in the kitchen then?” Belle asked.
Aaron nodded. “I’ll wait and let Gabe in if he decides to come back.”
Minutes later, a short knock and Gabe’s plaintive voice could be heard. “I put it in the car. Can I come in now?”
Laughing, Aaron opened the door and threw his arms around his friend. “Hey, sorry about that. Ooh, what’s this?” he asked, trying to peek under the tinfoil to see what kind of dessert Gabe was blessing them with.
Gabe moved skillfully away, smiling. “No way,” he said, ducking into the kitchen.
Following, Aaron could hear Jess introduce herself to Elise and Belle. Once he could see everything, he was even more impressed.
“Hi, I’m Jess. It’s nice to meet you,” she said to Belle. “You can just set that down here.” Jess motioned Belle to put the pitcher on the counter so her arms would be free when Jess went in for a hug.
Belle’s eyes filled with tears. “You look so much better,” she said, trying to contain herself.
Jess snickered. “Better than what?” she asked.
“I asked Belle to stay with you at the hospital the first night because I had Christian,” Legend explained.
Jess’s eyes softened. “I can’t believe you’d do that for someone you didn’t even know,” she breathed. “Thank you. I’m sure it helped having someone there. I hate being alone,” she confessed softly.
Belle gave her another squeeze, and then Jess turned her attention to Elise, who refused any attempt at an introduction prior to a hug.
“We have something in common,” Elise whispered to Jess. “I’ll tell you more later.” Pulling back, she introduced herself. “I’m Elise, by the way. It’s nice to meet you.”
“You, too. I’m Jess,” she said, smiling. She wondered what she could have in common with a cute, together-looking girl like Elise.
Nathaniel bounded over, offering to take Gabe’s pan from him so he could introduce himself properly. “What’s in here?” Nate asked, sniffing experimentally. “Pie? It smells like peaches.”
“Cobbler,” Gabe corrected, “And I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Gabe.”
“Nate,” he replied. “What’s the difference?”
“No crust, sugar and oatmeal on top, and you scoop it out, not slice it. And if you want my personal opinion, it tastes better. People say pie and cobbler taste the same, but they lie,” Gabe confided.
“Cool,” Nate set the pan with the other desserts and brought Gabe over to where Jess was sitting down at the table. “This is Jess. You haven’t met.”
“No, we haven’t,” Gabe agreed. “But it’s great to finally meet you.”
“Same here,” Jess returned, shaking his hand as Christian clamored for a spot on one side of her, while Libby loudly placed dibs for the place on Jess’s other side.
“I get the other side!” Libby hollered, rushing over to set a decorative candle from their centerpiece on the seat, and completely ignoring the wounded looks Coby sent her way. Feeling satisfied, she returned to the kitchen to take the last batch of cookies out of the oven.
Once everyone was seated, Aaron took off his bandana and announced, “I think God needs some praise for this awesome time.”
All around the table, heads bowed and hands were folded, as Aaron led them in prayer.
“All right,” Liam said, standing. “Meatloaf, lasagna or subs?” he asked. “Ladies?”
Following suit, the rest of the guys stood as well. Coby draped a stray hand towel over his arm, in an attempt to look like a real waiter.
As the women placed their orders, Christian got up, determined to join the big boys in their service. But Jonathan picked him up to set him back in his chair.
“You sit here, all right? Rest that chin.” Jon told him matter-of-factly. “I know what it’s like to have a banged-up face. So you take it easy here, and tell me what you want to have.”
Christian ran a hand seriously down the scar on Jonathan’s cheek. “Okay. I’ll have meatloaf, please,” he said, as Jonathan set him down again.
“And for you?” Jonathan asked Jess in his best gentlemanly voice.
Jess smiled. She really liked this side of Jonathan and hoped she would see it more often. “I think I’ll have the lasagna. Thank you, Jon.”
“No problem,” he answered, disappearing in the kitchen.
“Wow,” Elise said, looking at Belle. “We have good guy friends at home, but they never treat us this well.”
Morgan shrugged. “Oh, don’t worry. Ours don’t either. They’re works in progress,” she winked at Liam as he brought her a plate of lasagna and a side of Nate’s fries.
“That’s my ketchup there,” he pointed out, indicating the large red puddle. It took up a sickening percentage of the plate.
Rolling her eyes, Morgan laughed. “That’s my man.”
--
They were well into dessert when Bryan spoke up around a bite of brownie that Jonathan had brought.
“I talked to Emily today,” he said, swallowing. “She really misses us.”
“You should have invited her tonight,” Jon spoke up around a bite of his mom‘s brownie.
“I invited her, but she said she felt funny about it. I think it’s just still really hard for her to be here. But I thought if you guys were up for it, maybe we could swing by her parents’ and see her.”
Jess set her fork down. She really wasn’t a fan of food so much anymore - even dessert like peach cobbler. “I don’t know.”
Libby leaned in decidedly, stealing a bite of the cobbler from Jess’s plate. She had made it her personal mission to try everyone’s dessert, even though she’d already decided she liked her and Christian’s cookies the best. “We should go see Em. I miss her.”
“But she’s not part of our family anymore,” Christian pointed out.
“She’ll always be a part of us,” Coby told Christian seriously. “Just because somebody goes away doesn’t make them any less a part of us.”
Christian looked at his lap and felt bad. Coby hadn’t yelled at him, but Christian could tell he said something wrong.
“Come on, you guys,” Bryan tried. “If it were any of us who had to leave like that, we would want the same thing, right?” He saw heads nodding, including Jess’s. “All right then. Let’s hurry and finish here, so we can go.”
--
They were ready in a half-hour, thanks to all the willing hands that helped clean up afterward. Though Gabe, Belle and Elise tried their best to excuse themselves in order to let Emily’s friends visit on their own - everyone insisted they also come along. They were friends, too, after all.
Bryan pulled into Emily’s driveway, while everyone else parked on the street. He walked up to her door and rang the bell, standing on the crowded doorstep.
When Emily’s brother answered the door, his eyebrows went up.
“Hey, Miles,” Bryan greeted. “Is Emily home?”
Miles had the same dark hair and eyes as his sister. He wore his hair on the long side, so it was starting to curl. He had at least two piercing that Bryan could count - one in his ear, and one in his lip - but he was a good kid.
“Yeah she is. Hold on.” Miles disappeared, wondering how his parents would feel about his sister having twenty people over when they weren’t home. He recognized some as her college roommates, but what was up with all these guys?
“Emily!” he hollered. “Get the door!”
“Why can’t you? I’m busy!” came her disembodied voice from somewhere in the house.
Miles stalked into his sister’s room. “Because. I’m not the one who invited twenty people over when Mom and Dad are gone,” he said, smirking at the panic that came to Emily’s eyes. Like she didn’t know.
Closing her laptop, Emily raced downstairs. What the heck was her weird little brother talking about now? It’s not like she ever had crazy, wild parties…
Her thoughts trailed off as she stared at the open door and all her friends crowded on the front step, smiling.
“Surprise,” Bryan said simply, walking in and embracing her.
“Oh my God… You guys!” Emily hugged him back hard and then went around to everyone else, greeting them with tears and hugs. She stopped short, not knowing why she hadn’t expected to see Jess there at all. Emily almost wouldn’t have recognized her except that she was holding Christian’s hand.
Smiling, Jess gave Emily a hug, remembering Coby’s words. Just because someone was gone didn’t make them any less a part of you. “How are you?” she asked.
“I can’t believe it,” Emily gasped. “You’re the same.”
Jess laughed good-naturedly and brushed off the remark. “I don’t think any of us are the same, but thanks.”
Finally, Emily ushered everyone in the house and showed Gabe a place for the peach cobbler he’d brought along. Then, they all settled in the living room to visit.
“So, how’s it been? You guys all look better,” Emily complimented. It was true. Aaron and Bryan were healed, and Coby was walking around - though he was still in a cast. Jess was like a miracle, walking and talking after spending so much time in the hospital.
“How are you?” Nate wanted to know.
Emily shrugged. She wasn’t about to admit that she still spent every night in her parents’ room - terrified to sleep alone - as nightmares continued to haunt her. That she had only just recently gotten the courage to leave the house to do mundane things like get the mail - and that even that left her heart racing.
“I’m better now,” she smiled. “Seeing you guys makes everything better.”
Christian stood up, digging in the pocket of his jacket. Finally, he withdrew a cookie and held it out to Emily.
“What… Christian, why do you have that?” Jess wondered.
“Gabe brought his peach thing,” the little boy protested. “And I wanted Emily to have a cookie.” He turned to her. “Me and Libby made these. And they’re really good, so you have to have one.”
“Thanks,” Emily said, ruffling Christian’s hair. She had forgotten how thoughtful he could be.
Eventually, they all settled in, talking quietly to each other. Morgan went over and sat hesitantly in front of Nathaniel - her back to him. She didn’t know if he’d be up for giving a backrub, or if she would be okay getting one, but she was willing to try.
“Hey,” Nate said quietly. “You say when.”
“When,” she agreed in a small voice that betrayed her nervousness.
For a second, he let his hands hover over her shoulders and then, gently, Nate let them rest there, not moving. He felt her tense up at his touch.
“Go ahead,” Morgan encouraged.
Slowly, Nathaniel started to massage her shoulders. “If you want to stop, we’ll stop,” he told her and saw her nod.
“So, I’ve kind of missed you,” she admitted, trying to relax.
“Only kind of?” he asked indignantly.
Morgan heard the smile in his voice. “Yeah. Missed talking to you. How’s it going? What’s new?”
“Hmm,” Nate thought about it. The truth was, not much was new. “So I was going to eat that cobble thing? You know, that Gabe brought? And I went to find a spoon, and there weren’t any.”
Morgan laughed. “You were gonna eat the ‘cobble thing?’” she repeated in a teasing voice. “And what is it with you and spoons, by the way? I’ve always meant to ask.”
“I have a spoon fetish. Kind of,” he amended, smiling as she tipped her head back to look into his eyes.
“What the hell is a spoon fetish? You’re like, obsessed?”
“No! I just…like them to be where they’re supposed to be. They’re my favorite piece of silverware. You can eat everything with a spoon.”
“Even cobble…” she remarked plain-faced, though a giggle escaped at his funny pronunciation.
“See? You catch on quick,” he said, approving. He draped his arms around Morgan’s neck, grateful when she leaned against him.
--
Jess sat down with Elise, happy that Miles had offered to entertain Christian. She didn’t know him, but Emily had assured Jess that her brother was good with kids, and he had the energy to keep up with them.
“So, what could I have in common with you?” Jess wondered, studying Elise curiously. She was looking cute, her blonde hair in a ponytail, and wearing a nice shirt and slacks. Jess wore jeans and a sweatshirt, considering it a victory, as she could finally master both the button and the zipper on the jeans, though it had taken a really long time.
Elise smiled. This was what was so neat about being around new people, especially two years out. She knew for sure that her brain injury didn’t show. It wasn’t obvious, like it had once been. Leaning closer, she dropped her voice. “A couple years ago, I had a brain injury too.”
Jess’s eyes widened. “No way.”
Laughing, Elise nodded. “I had surgery and did rehab and everything. I just wanted to tell you that so you’d know you aren’t like, alone, or anything.”
At a loss, Jess asked, “So, how long did it take you to get back to normal?”
“I’m not back to normal,” Elise objected. “I mean, I guess I am. It’s just a new normal.”
Jess nodded, though her heart sank. She wanted to know that she would be able to keep doing what she’d been doing. Going to school, getting her degree so she could get a good job and a real home for her and Christian.
“You’ll get there, though. Everybody’s different,” Elise rushed to fill the awkward silence, realizing that she hadn’t said what Jess wanted to hear.
“I just don’t want to be like this the rest of my life.” Jess admitted, tears coming to her eyes. She wiped them away angrily.
Elise touched her shoulder. “You won’t. It’ll get better. I promise.” Leaning in, she gave Jess a hug that she hoped could convey everything her words could not.
--
Gabe went over and sat beside Belle. He had an idea, but thought it best to run it by her first. Maybe it wasn’t what these guys needed. But Gabe hoped it could help.
“Remember when Mikhail would always have us write those letters?” he asked, taking Belle’s hand.
“Of course.” She looked at him, not at all sure where he was going.
“Well what if we did that tonight? Just as an opportunity for everybody to get stuff out?”
Belle’s forehead crinkled. “I don’t know. You can’t read them,” she told him certainly. “They’ve had their privacy invaded enough.”
“No, I know. I have another idea for that.” Gabe dropped his voice and explained his plan, pleased when Belle nodded in agreement.
Gabe waited for a lull in the conversation and then addressed the room full of people. “Hey guys?” he asked. When silence fell, and everyone looked at him, Gabe continued. “I just had this thought. And you totally don’t have to if you don’t want to. But when Belle, Elise and I were back in our small group, Bible study…”
“BS,” Aaron interjected, making Nathaniel cackle.
Gabe raised his eyebrows, smiling, “Anyway. Our small group leader used to do this thing occasionally where we were encouraged us to write letters. Just to let him know how we’re doing and what we learned. I thought we could maybe do that here. But nobody would read them,” he assured the briefly alarmed faces.
“So what would we do with them?” Liam wondered.
Gabe’s eyes fell on the fireplace. “I thought we could burn them. That way, they’d turn to ashes. And it says in the Bible that God gives us a crown of beauty instead of ashes. This might be a way - like surrendering the hard stuff to the Lord - so He can start to show us beauty through it,” Gabe finished.
“I’m in,” Liam said quietly.
One by one, the others chimed in their agreement, and Gabe encouraged them to sign their full names on the letters, just to give it some formality. Jess got up to find Christian, knowing that he would feel left out, if he didn’t get to do what the big boys and big girls were doing.
When she returned, Gabe was handing out paper and pens. Jess knew her own writing wasn’t great, spelling was really bad still, but Jess was willing to do this. It was just between her and God, after all. He didn’t care about how it looked, as long as it was from her heart.
Once they all had paper and pens, a hush settled over the room, except for Christian’s whisper in his mom’s ear. “Will you help me, Mom?”
“Mom can’t help you with this right now,” she told him gently, giving his head a kiss. “But go ask Coby. Okay? He’ll help you.”
Sliding off his Mom’s lap, Christian walked across the room and stopped in front of Coby. “Will you help me write? Mom said you would.” Christian stage-whispered.
“Sure.” Coby smiled, bending down to scoop Christian into his lap.
“So, what do I say?” Christian wondered.
Coby took a breath, arranging the little boy so he sat on his good leg. “Well, what we’re doing is writing God a letter. Telling Him things we want Him to know. Things that have been hard for us. Then we’re going to burn them in the fireplace so they can go up to heaven, and God can have them, and God can show us His love, even when we’re hurt.”
Christian nodded seriously, and started dictating his letter.
WHEN MY MOM WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FROM THE BAD GUY, I MISSED HER AND WAS A BAD BOY SOMETIMES. I’M MAD INSIDE THAT A BAD GUY HURT MY MOM AND SCARED HE MIGHT HURT ME TOO. PLEASE SEND DOWN SOME OF YOUR MAGIC TO MAKE SURE HE DOESN’T GET ME. AND MAKE MY MOM GET ALL BETTER. AMEN.
CHRISTIAN JESSE GRAY
--
Humbled, Coby began his own letter, once Christian slid off his lap and went to find Miles “until it was time for the fire.”
I drink because I don’t know how else to handle what I’m feeling. Though I haven’t had one since that night that Bryan found me. I don’t want to be that guy anymore. I wish it didn’t take what happened to make me realize that.
Jacob Daniel Walker, “Coby”
--
A lot of things are not ok for me now. It Is hard to be mom when I can not do stuff I did easy before. I need help with all of it. I need god now more then I ever did then. I can not even do this letter the way I did before. It is hard to say that this is how it will be for me now. I don’t want this to be the best for me. I need to be better for me and for my son. What I know now is that if someone goes, they are not gone forever. I held a good grudge before. Now I know it’s better to forgive.
Jessica Lynn Gray
--
I feel so much despair even though You have spared all these lives, Lord. Is it fair that they should have had to go through this at all? Why couldn’t You spare them the pain? It is so easy now, to remember why I ditched Alex when she needed me…because this hurts. But if Belle can face life bravely every day - if these brothers and sisters can wake up and do what they have to do every day, I know I need to find the strength somewhere to do the same for them. It isn’t easy. But Your will rarely is, is it?
Gabriel Vincent Sanchez
--
I feel so condemned deep in my heart, I have since I met these people. I don’t know how I could have ever been so selfish to try and end my own life when so many lives were almost taken when they didn’t have any say at all. I am trying so hard not to live guilty and be honest with Gabriel and my someone about what is going on, but it’s still so hard sometimes - especially when I see Jess and all the girls struggle to reclaim their lives as they knew them. Lord, forgive me. Help me let this go. I have recently learned that life is a gift.
Belle Christine Sutton
--
I was feeling pretty good about my life and where I was before Belle, Gabe and I met everybody who was involved in the on campus thing. Now I feel even more blessed. Is that weird? Like pride? I don’t want to compare my life against theirs. I guess it’s okay to say that I have learned how blessed I am, even though for a long time I couldn’t see it. Even though I’m not living like a normal 19-year-old yet, it is more than a lot of people have.
Elise Rene Evans
--
Why is all I can recognize in my life the pain? I can’t see the blessing anymore. I feel glad to be here, but so weighed down because so many of us are struggling. So many of us are blaming ourselves, when we should just be looking to the Lord. But that is easier said than done. I don’t know how any one of us can come through this and be untouched. It’s impossible. I feel like it left a mark on me. I feel ashamed for needing a light on in order to sleep because I can’t stand the darkness now. It feels like it will swallow me. But in spite of this I know that God is Sovereign, and I learned that we really can’t take life for granted at all.
Bryan Robert Torres
--
I don’t really get the point of this, but if it’s to document the crap we live with so we can burn it, then here goes. I live scared all the time. I hate loud sounds. I almost had a breakdown or something when Miles was watching some dumb ‘80s movie, even though it had totally fake guns in it. Every thing gets to me now. I wish it didn’t. I feel bad that it does, because I’m one of a few who came out not physically hurt at all. I wonder if they are upset with me for leaving, or if they think I’m weak. I think I’m weak. And I don’t think I’ve learned anything worthy of putting on paper.
Emily Anne Stewart
--
I feel like nothing touches or affects me now. I have emotion, but not a lot seems worth crying over when you’ve held your best friend’s hand and thought she was dying - and that you weren’t going to make it out alive. I try too hard to be strong, I think. It’s okay sometimes, but not always. I need to get brave enough to just let go and not worry about all this other stuff. Maybe I’m moving too fast? At least I know Jess doesn’t blame me. That helps. But I need to mourn this. And I don’t know how. I do know without a doubt that God gives us what we need when we need it. And in Him we really can do all things - which is pretty amazing.
Legend Jae Miller
--
I have so much guilt for not being there with Libby that day. It’s eating me alive and even she doesn’t know it. Morgan doesn’t know it. Because they are both hurt, and I cant put one more thing on them. I need to know that everything happened the way it was meant to. That there was nothing I could have done to help. Maybe it was better that I wasn’t there, but I don’t see how. I told Libby that Buddy wouldn’t hurt her, but he hurt them all. But no matter what, God is in control.
William Patrick Wright
--
I’m working on letting go of all kinds of stuff with the counselor already. But it’s still really early in the game. There is still one secret left I haven’t ever told. I blame my brother. I blame him for not being there for me either time I was hurt. He was always my protector. He never even let me have a date! And he wasn’t even there when two nasty guys put their hands on me. I want that to make me mad, but it doesn’t. I’m still too hurt, and sad to be mad about it. I don’t know how to even start to let go of that, so I guess this is a start. I can’t wait to burn this. I really can’t. It makes me feel their hands again and I don’t want to. More than anything though, I think this has taught me that it’s okay to ask for help. Or even to accept it if it’s offered. In that way, maybe, I guess, Liam did save me.
Elizabeth Jane Wright
--
I feel like such a failure as a man because of what I let happen to me. And that’s messed up to say given what all happened to Nathaniel and Morgan and Libby, Jess and Coby. In retrospect nothing that big happened to me and I should be able to deal with it. I guess it has gotten easier. But the thing is, I’ve never lived ashamed before, and when the only girl I ever loved couldn’t see past the scar, it just sealed something in me. It’s like I’m less now, even though that’s crap, and a lie. I don’t know how to undo what was done to me. I know God doesn’t care about that stuff. I have learned something that most kids know in grade school. It’s not what’s on the outside that counts. It’s what’s inside. Ashley’s insides were nowhere near as attractive as her outside. I can only hope that now that my package has been humbled, my insides can be improved and I can be a better person than I was. I never liked that guy.
Jonathan Lawrence Mitchell
--
Not that I took a poll or anything, but everyone still thinks I jumped to get help. That’s not true at all. I jumped to get the hell out. Because I could see everything. Even what happened to the girls, and I couldn’t stand anymore. I wished I would die in the fall - I was so sure none of my friends would get the chance I had to escape. My jumping would have condemned them to death, I was sure. It’s a miracle I landed on my feet. I know I did what I had to do, and it helps knowing that Nate knows what I saw. Still I feel like crap inside for leaving them there because I couldn’t stick it out. God is still my main strength though. And I learned that we are all so much stronger than we know.
Aaron Miguel Martinez
--
Talking to Jess about taking the pill helped more than I thought anything could. But I’m still not sure. There’s really no way to know if I conceived that day or not. I don’t need to know one way or the other - only that I am forgiven. And that I can get rid of the sights and sounds that are always with me. I just need them gone. I guess deep down I know I am forgiven, and I’ve learned that people are only given as much as they can bear. I’ve learned that if God brings you through something, He will also give you the strength to deal with it.
Morgan Divina Davis
--
I feel dirty from the time I wake up in the morning to the time I go to bed. I can never wash enough to be clean. I feel like less of a man than I already did after coming out to my friends. It’s so hard to live this way. I know I was targeted because I’m a gay man. So when people say no one was a target or that I didn’t do anything to bring it on myself I know they are full of shit. Who I am makes me a target. I know that in God I’m made new and everything, and I’ve heard all my life that God has a reason for everything that happens. But what reason was there for this? I can see why it happened to me, but why did it have to happen to them, too? They are good people who didn’t do anything to deserve this. I’m sorry if I was the cause. Through all this though I guess I realized how much I really love my mom and Joey and my friends. I’m so blessed to have them in my life. The fact that all of us got out alive too, really is a testimony to God’s faithfulness. I guess I don’t have to know why.
Nathaniel James Barrett
--
Once they were all done, they sat silently. Coby went and got Christian like he promised, and gave him his own letter to hold.
“Let’s stand,” Gabe encouraged. “And then, whenever you’re ready, put your letter in the fire. Christian, be sure someone helps you, okay?”
Christian nodded somberly.
Standing silently in the glow of the fireplace, Nate took Morgan’s hand, and one at a time everyone joined hands.
“I think we should do it together.” Bryan said calmly. “In a way, we all went through this together.”
So, as a group, they stepped forward and tossed their letters in the flames. As they burned, Legend and Libby wept openly. Libby clung to her brother and apologized, and Legend just wept like a dam broke in her chest. Jess reached over and held Legend’s shaking body, whispering sweet words of comfort to her. Though Jess couldn’t know it, they were almost identical to those she’d been speaking to her beneath the table - “We’ll be okay.” “I’m right here.” Legend wondered again how she had been blessed with such a friend.
Bryan looked on, as words like dirty, guilty, failure and blame were consumed in the flames. He could no longer read the names on the letters but that didn’t matter.
The only thing that mattered was that they had gotten rid of their baggage and acknowledged what they learned. Now, God had room to move and more than that, He had the chance now to turn their ashes into something beautiful.
And so they stood together - fifteen faces lit by the glow of the fire. They were more than friends and they all knew it. They were family - brought together in good times but sealed by the experience they endured together.
--
Hours later when Emily’s parents returned home and found their living room full of their daughters’ friends - a couple of whom were already asleep - they extended an invitation for them to spend the night. Their living room was large, after all, and it was available.
“I think we’re going to head out,” Gabe decided, looking at Belle and Elise, who both nodded in agreement. It was one thing for Emily’s parents to invite her friends to spend the night, but the three of them had only briefly met Emily and it didn’t seem right to take advantage of the hospitality, despite it being after midnight.
Belle and Elise went around quietly saying goodbye to everyone before they left. “Thank you for including us,” Belle told Legend gratefully.
“Keep in touch,” Legend said, giving Belle a hug.
Miles brought up sleeping bags, blankets and pillows from their family room downstairs and set them in a pile. “Christian can have my bed,” he offered, staring at the little boy sleeping sprawled in the middle of the carpet.
Emily smiled. Miles could be sweet when it came down to it. “Thanks,” she told him, “But I think we’re gonna stick him and Jess on the hide-away.”
Without being asked, he went and took the cushions off the couch - careful not to wake Jess, who was asleep in the easy chair. Miles got the bed ready and made sure the pillows on it were good ones, not flat. They deserved to be comfortable. He’d seen enough on the news and heard enough in the nights Emily couldn’t sleep to know that these people deserved to have good happen to them the rest of their lives. Miles knew this was the least he could do.
When Emily gave him a hug right when he turned around, and said thank you, Miles couldn’t even bring himself to be embarrassed. He just kissed her cheek, said she was welcome, and went to bed.
Bryan went over and picked up Jess from the chair, setting her gently in bed and covering her. Coby was already on the other couch with his leg propped up looking about ready to doze off. Legend picked up Christian from the floor and carried him to bed as well, tucking him in next to Jess.
In the bed, Jess was barely awake, and pulled her baby close to her. She’d awakened a little when Bryan picked her up, tiredly snuggling against his chest. It was so nice to have friends you could count on to take care of you. Before she drifted off, Jess sat up and looked around the room, making sure she could see all those she loved before she closed her eyes.
Legend got a spare blanket and pillow and brought them to Coby, putting the pillow under his head and draping the blanket over him. “Good night,” she said quietly.
“So how are the rest of us gonna do this?” Aaron asked. Space wasn’t an object, but there were still nine of them that needed to get situated.
Liam took charge. “Guys here. Girls over there,” he gestured to the far side of the room near where Jess and Christian slept. Coby had crashed nearer to the other side.
“I’m affronted.” Libby’s tone was quietly indignant at thought of going to the opposite side of the room to sleep.
“Whatever,” Liam said in a hushed voice. “You don’t even know what that means.”
“Shut up, Liam. I do, too.” Libby insisted softly, smiling.
In minutes, Jonathan and Aaron dragged blankets and pillows near where Liam sprawled out, shirtless, with only a pillow under his head.
“Dude, aren’t you gonna freeze your ass off?” Aaron wondered.
Taking the pillow from under his head, Liam hit him with it. “Too hot,” he objected.
“Man, put your shirt back on,” Jonathan objected. “You’re skin and bones, it’s sickening,” he quipped, knowing how riled up Liam could get about being puny.
Undeterred, Liam flexed a bicep.
“What’s that? I don’t see anything,” Jon denied, smirking.
A tired growl could be heard above them as Coby woke briefly from all the talking. “If you three don’t shut up I’m gonna hit you over the head with my cast,” he threatened without even opening his eyes.
--
Emily glanced around nervously. She hadn’t been able to even pick a spot yet.
“Hey,” Bryan whispered, carrying his own pile of blankets. “Where should we crash?” he asked, grinning.
“You’re off-sides,” Emily told him. She hoped her attempt at a joke might cover up the fact that she was shaking.
Putting an arm around her, Bryan studied the room carefully. “I’m not real crazy about the dark,” he admitted softly. “So, I vote for right here.” Decidedly, he dropped his blankets and pillow in the middle of the room, where they were surrounded on one side by the glow of the fireplace, and on the other by the light from the kitchen, above the stove.
Emily joined him, relieved that he picked the same spot she would have. She got into her sleeping bag and zipped herself up. Bryan got comfortable beside her and took her shaking hand in his.
“I won’t leave you alone,” he promised. “Remember?”
Emily nodded. He had said the same thing under the table, after Aaron jumped.
She relaxed. He hadn’t left her then, and she felt sure he wouldn’t leave her now. If Bryan was anything, he was true to his word.
--
Legend curled up in the recliner where Jess had fallen asleep earlier. She took the throw off the back and covered herself with it. This was the perfect place for her. She didn’t want to sleep crammed in with other people, Legend liked her own space. Happy that the chair was ancient enough that it locked into its recline position, Legend stretched out and closed her eyes.
She took roll call in her head before she fell asleep, because it was a distraction from actually getting up and checking on people. Legend almost hadn’t been able to find Libby and then had approached Jess’s side of the bed to cover her and Christian up again, and there was Libby.
She had dragged a sleeping bag to the floor by Jess’s side of the bed. Even though Legend had nearly tripped over her, she remained peacefully asleep.
--
Nathaniel crept over to the corner where Morgan had brought her sleeping bag, and lay his own down beside it.
The one Morgan had chosen was dirt brown and she was burrowed deep inside it. He could hear her. She was crying.
Wiggling part of himself free, Nate carefully unzipped Morgan, folding back the fabric of her little cocoon. Seeing her face streaked with tears, he looked at her, questions in his eyes.
“I can’t sleep,” she managed, her voice thick. “My mind just gets so dark…I can’t think of anything else.” Morgan admitted, pulling her hat low over her eyes.
Nathaniel tipped the bill of the cap up, and looked at her. “Come on and lie back down,” he urged her, zipping her back inside and making sure that this time her head poked out of the opening. Quietly, he moved so he was behind her, close to the wall, and she was facing the fireplace, still lit and burning. He put his arms around her, sleeping bag and all, and just held her.
“There’s light everywhere,” Nate told her, his tone hushed.
Morgan wiped her eyes with her sleeve fiercely, glad that at least, she could feel comfort in her friend‘s arms. “Why did this happen, Nate? Where was God then?” She imagined his face like an angel - golden, bathed in the firelight - his eyes shining like there were stars in them.
“He was in the room with us,” Nate said gently. “He was like this fire, lighting up our darkness. He was in every word we said to each other that gave us hope.”
His words calmed her heart, so Morgan closed her eyes.
She could still feel Nate’s arms around her and took comfort in his light.
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