Mercy: Chapter 12

Still round the corner there may wait,
A new road or a secret gate.
- J.R.R. Tolkien

Andrew arrived at Belle’s a couple evenings later, sleeping bag and pillow under his arm and a backpack over his back.

Belle’s mother was out - no doubt doing last-minute Christmas shopping. She was a last-minute person, and thought it was ridiculous that people went out right after Thanksgiving to get gifts for a holiday a month away.

It was fine with Belle, though, since that allowed the two of them to have some time to talk.

She brought him out to the kitchen and brought out the big plate of cookies and hot apple cider, since she knew that’s what he liked.

“When did your parents leave?” Belle asked, taking a cookie, and studying the frosting.

Andrew did likewise, not answering right away. “This morning.”

Belle looked up suddenly, “They’ve been gone since this morning? You could have come over then. You’re welcome here anytime,” she told him, feeling bad that he had spent most of a day alone in his empty house.

“I just…needed some time alone.” he hedged, not yet comfortable admitting his private grief to anyone - even Belle.

“Did your parents like the gift?” Belle asked, taking a bite of her Santa cookie.

He shook his head. “They didn’t open it yet. I asked them to wait until they were at the cemetery. But I gave them a note from me to read on the way…apologizing for the way I’ve acted.”

“That was nice of you,” Belle smiled. “I’m glad.”

She got up from the table and moved his stuff off the couch and into the guest room, wanting him to feel comfortable. Last year, he slept on the couch, and she hadn’t even thought to set him up elsewhere. But especially now, knowing what she did, Belle thought it was only right to make sure he felt welcome.

“You don’t have to do that,” he objected mildly. “I’m fine on the couch.”

“I know you’re fine, but I want you to have a room while you’re here.” Belle insisted.

She arranged his belongings neatly on the bed, tossing his sleeping bag in the corner of the room - feeling sure he wouldn’t be using it when he had a perfectly good bed to sleep in.

They spent their time together watching movies reminiscing. A lot of their conversations degenerated into memories of things they did together in second and third grade. Andrew had dinner with Belle and Sherry, enjoying their company, and Sherry’s cooking.

At one point, he took a call from Elise, asking to borrow a few bucks to go Christmas shopping for her brother. The conversation itself made Andrew smile - the fact that she swore up and down to pay him back the small amount she had proposed to borrow - though she had no income to speak of.

He made the drive to drop it off alone, wanting the time to think, and clear his head. All this time around Belle and her mother was reminding Andrew of just how much time he’d spent alone recently.

During the drive itself, he carried on a quiet conversation, praying for his parents and himself, much like Belle had done earlier on. It wasn’t instantly effective, but Andrew felt slightly better, having gotten a little of the load off his shoulders.

He dropped off the money covertly, so Rob wouldn’t know what was going on, and as an afterthought, asked Elise if she needed a ride anywhere to do the shopping. She nodded, her eyes lighting up.

“What do guys like?” she asked once they were in the car, under the guise of doing something else - not that Rob would have noticed, he was so busy with Christmas preparations.

Andrew thought about this. “Usually stuff we can use, though sentimental can be nice, too.”

They returned a short time later, Elise’s gift already wrapped.

Andrew laughed for the first time in days, seeing Rob eating Chex Mix and humming Christmas tunes, while wrapping something for Kylie.

He returned to Belle’s later, where they resumed movie-watching and talking until late into the night - feeling grateful that he had a friend who did such a great job taking care of him, even when he didn’t want it.

--

Elise sat at the table, early on Christmas morning. She hadn’t really slept the night before, but this time it was from excitement, and knowing that she still had a lot to do before the holidays officially started.

Robby was still sleeping - as he should have been, since it was only five o’clock in the morning. The apartment was quiet. None of their noisy upstairs neighbors were up yet, but Elise figured they would be soon. There were children upstairs, and they usually got up early on holidays, no matter how minor they were.

Surveying the paper in front of her, Elise went to work. She couldn’t afford to buy more than one gift this year - and technically she hadn’t even been able to afford that one. She had gone to Andrew and asked for ten dollars, promising to pay him back. Graciously, he gave it to her, telling her she didn’t have to pay anything, and then took her shopping, even though she hadn’t asked.

She had bought Robby a coffee cup, since she didn’t really know what a guy would like. She knew he liked coffee, and that he would at least use a coffee cup. Elise didn’t ask for anything, but she knew her brother had bought her something too.

It was a modest Christmas, compared to what they were both used to, but it didn’t matter.

Elise shook her head, getting back to the project she had to get done. She had four cards to make. One for her brother, one for Kylie, one for Belle and one for Andrew.

She did Andrew and Belle’s first. Both said nothing on the front, but inside held a short, but heartfelt thanks for their friendship and love.

Next, she made Kylie’s, which also held a simple message about what Kylie had shown her about friendship, and about being a true mother to somebody - even when you didn’t have to.

Last, she started on Robby’s, knowing she didn’t have much time, but that his was the most important. She did her best to keep the message legible even though her hand was tired from writing three messages.

Robby‘s card message was longer. It said more than Elise remembered writing in a long time, and certainly more than she’d ever written in one sitting. She let him know little things she wasn’t sure he was aware of. She thanked him for doing all he’d done for her, even though she knew it wasn’t necessary.

It was still early by the time Elise finished and she knew she wasn’t going to be able to sleep. She went back to the living room and folded up the hideaway bed, arranging the cushions neatly on the couch. And then, sitting by their little fake tree, Elise held her package gingerly, fingering the red and green wrapping paper.

Finally, Elise set the packages aside, and returned to the kitchen, deciding it was still too early to eat breakfast. Distractedly, she walked around, absently looking through the piles of stuff on the counters. One pile was mail, and the letter on top drew Elise’s attention immediately. It was addressed to Rob, and it was in their mom’s handwriting.

Sliding the paper out of its envelope, Elise unfolded it, and read. Some of the smaller words gave Elise trouble, but the message in the letter was clear enough. The next move was up to Rob. She wouldn’t try to contact them again, unless they arranged something beforehand.

She replaced the letter in the envelope, finally realizing that Robby had been in an incredibly cheerful mood the last couple days. She had thought it was just the holiday season, but now Elise knew he was breathing easier, now that their mother was keeping her distance. And Elise admittedly felt pride at standing her ground.

For the next half hour, Elise tried to occupy herself, but the only thing that really caught her attention was Ryan’s phone number scrawled in Kylie’s handwriting, next to their phone. It had been there for sometime, but it got Elise thinking.

Rob finally woke up and made coffee at around seven o’clock. Elise smiled to herself from the table, thinking about his Christmas gift under the tree.

“Morning,” he mumbled. He looked as entertaining as he always did when he first woke up. And it was funnier because he wasn’t a morning person at all.

“Merry Christmas,” she returned, smiling happily.

“How long have you been up?” he wondered, feeling sure that he would wake to find his sister a lump under the covers.

“A couple hours.“ she shrugged. “Hey, can we ask Ryan over?” Elise asked, planting a kiss on Robby’s cheek.

“If you want.” He wiped off his face. “I’m gonna get cleaned up. But call and see what he’s up to.” Rob agreed easily. He had no Christmas traditions of his own. They were just learning as they went. And though they didn’t have much this year, they had each other. Rob knew Ryan was probably alone.

As he disappeared into his room to get clothes, Rob smiled as he heard Elise’s cheerful voice wishing Ryan a merry Christmas.

--

“Who is this?” Ryan asked, bewildered. Almost no one had his number. And no one would be calling him this early on a holiday.

“It’s Elise. Merry Christmas,” she repeated.

“Yeah… You, too,” he finally returned. “What’s up?”

“Well, Robby and I were wondering if you wanted to come over and spend the day with us. Unless you have somewhere else you have to be…” she finished diplomatically, not wanting to hurt his pride by implying that she knew he’d probably be by himself.

Ryan was silent a moment. “Are you sure you don’t, you know, wanna spend it with your brother?” he hedged.

“I will,” she told him seriously. “The more the merrier, come on over.”

“I don’t really have any gifts or anything. Or food.” he added, still unsure.

“Would you stop making excuses and come over?” Elise demanded, laughing. “Robby!” she called down the hall, where the bathroom door was ajar and steam billowed out. “Tell Ryan to come over!”

Stepping halfway out the door, he appeared in front of her, dressed already, but his hair sticking up. “Ryan! Come over and have pie!” Rob called in the direction of the phone.

“All right, all right. You want me over now?” Ryan wondered, studying himself. He was still in pajamas and hadn’t shaved.

Elise sighed. “Yes! Now hang up with me and get over here!”

“I’m gonna shave first. And shower.”

“That’d be nice,” she quipped.

“Brat,” Ryan smiled. “I’ll see you in a few minutes”

--

As planned, Ryan showed up a little later. He was dressed in the same clothes he had worn to Mikhail’s Christmas party, but so was Elise, so it didn’t matter much. Rob had a slightly bigger wardrobe, yet for some reason, beyond Elise’s imagination, he insisted on wearing the hideous green sweater again.

Ryan sat on the couch, while Rob and Elise sat near the tree and exchanged gifts. Rob insisted she go first, and she tore off the paper, assuming already that she was getting clothes, by the shape of the box. But taking the lid off the box, she was surprised.

Inside, were a pair of her favorite kind of jeans, with little flower designs embroidered in the leg.

Her mouth fell open. “How did you do this? I don’t need anymore jeans like this. You didn’t have to spend the money,” she objected, knowing how little they got by with, and how little he had to spare, especially around the holidays.

“Did you go shopping with Kylie?” she pressed.

He shook his head. “I called Belle and asked her to help me. When I told her where I was shopping she knew where they were and helped me pick something you’d like.”

“Here, Ry, see if they fit.” she joked, tossing the pants at him.

A huge smile broke out on his clean-shaven face, making him look years younger. Somehow, Ryan managed to get the jeans overtop his dress pants. He jumped up and down several times to get them up all the way. Then, he modeled them.

Rob closed his eyes, He didn’t know it was possible for a guy to be that fearless. But it was worth it to see Elise snapping pictures, and laughing.

For several minutes, Rob just sat back and let them play.

It wasn’t long before Elise realized that her present for Rob had gone unopened. “Ryan, take of my jeans. Robby still has a present to open,” Elise called over her shoulder.

Obediently, Ryan slid out of the pants and folded them neatly next to him. He waited for Rob to open his gift, feeling happiness he hadn’t experienced in years.

Rob took off the card, and set it aside, at Elise’s instruction to read it at the end.

He tore off the paper, and opened the box, pulling out a white coffee cup. It said: I LOVE NY.

“Andrew?” Rob guessed.

Elise nodded, smiling. “The coffee cup was my idea, though. And it was either that one, or one with flowers.”

“Well, I like this one, thank you.” he said, reaching over to give her a hug. He read the card next, feeling touched that Elise had spent so much time and effort writing a long paragraph expressing all the meant to her.

Wordlessly, he hugged her again, not caring that Ryan sat just behind them.

Christmas, or at least, the present part of Christmas, ended then, and the three of them went to the kitchen to have coffee and pie. They spent the afternoon playing cards and dominoes - just generally enjoying one another’s company.

Rob was pleased, considering his first Christmas with his sister a success.

--

On New Year’s Eve, they gathered at Micah’s for a party. Mostly, it was just an excuse to get together with each other and visit, but everyone knew there would be prayer, and, because Mikhail decided, there was going to be letters written again.

Micah’s table was stocked with chips and red and green candy of all sorts. Caffeinated beverages were available, much to everyone’s delight.

From far across the room, Julia watched Elise, and felt her stomach tighten, remembering the last time they were all together. True, the lectures from Belle and Kenzie hadn’t done much to sway Julia’s thought on the things she’d said to Elise, but being forced to witness what she did that night was. That in combination with the small article she’d read in the paper that week, detailing a domestic violence case with such raw fact that Julia came away shaken, thinking of Elise.

Making her way across the room, grateful that nothing had started yet, Julia stopped in front of Elise. She saw Belle move instinctively closer to her friend, and Julia figured it was just as well.

Despite the crowd and the noise, Julia knew she could be heard, and didn’t want to draw anything out unnecessarily by separating themselves.

Julia crouched down, so she was face to face with Elise. “I shouldn’t have told you to go to your mom with your stuff.”

Elise blinked, surprised.

“The way you took it wasn’t how I meant it to come off, and I’m sorry. I was concerned about the wrong thing.” She nodded at Belle with the last statement.

Neither one said anything in response, and Julia went to reclaim her chair quietly.

--

The evening commenced, with everyone hearing stories from Kylie and Gabe, who were back from their trips to Illinois and Georgia respectively. Elise, Belle, Andrew and Josh sat in a line next to one another.

Slowly, the four of them had begun to form a friendship. And on Josh’s other side, there was Jared, the most unlikely person to willingly occupy an open space beside Josh. They listened to the stories of peach cobbler, and jokes that Kylie’s grandma told. Occasionally, Andrew squeezed Belle’s hand, and she squeezed back, knowing he needed support.

While Belle graciously held Andrew’s hand when he asked for it, on his other side, Josh and Jared were whispering and cackling.

“Is Georgia the peach state?” Jared whispered, out of the corner of his mouth.

“Yes, now listen! I wanna hear the story!” Josh complained.

“It is not.”

“Yes it is! Belle told me!” Josh defended

Andrew elbowed Josh. “Hush up.”

Obediently, Josh quieted, though he knew he wasn’t the one causing the trouble. He poked Jared’s leg obnoxiously.

Jared sent him a withering look. “I don’t have feeling there.”

Smiling, Josh continued to poke him. “And yet it annoys you so well.”

--

Nothing happened immediately after the stories Kylie shared, and since Gabe had already told all of his, he decided to raid the coffee supply.

He looked around, slowly, knowing that coffee itself wasn’t the right choice for what he had in mind, and studied the contents of all of Micah’s cupboards covertly, until he found a stash of various kinds of tea. Gabe saw a single package labeled peach, and set to work.

In a few minutes, he returned to the living room and stopped in front of Alex, offering the cup.

“What’s this?” Alex asked, a small smile appearing on her face. Gabe hadn’t brought her anything in to drink in ages.

His eyes twinkled. “Something to relax you.”

Alex laughed, remembering one of the last inside jokes they had together. Gabe’s assumption that tea was not caffeinated. He had bought her some peach tea at their favorite little café, insisting that people always relaxed when they drank it.

“Is it peach?” she sniffed the cup experimentally. Her eyes lit up. “Oh, that’s so awesome!”

He turned to leave, and Kenzie called after him. “Are you, like, the caffeine fairy? Can you get me some?” she wanted to know.

Gabe continued on, knowing Kenzie got an unending amount of pleasure from razzing him about his love of coffee.

He smiled to himself, knowing that for a second he had seen a glimpse of the Alex he knew - and feeling sure that she wasn’t so far away after all.

--

Micah had seen Ryan disappear to the table with all the food. He knew he’d messed up by not apologizing like he said he would. So, knowing it was something he had to do, Micah approached him at the table, where Ryan was picking out all the green candies and leaving the red behind in the dish.

“Hey.”

Ryan glanced up, quickly dropping all the green ones in his pocket.

He had on blue jeans, and a solid colored tee shirt, with the grey hoodie zipped in place over the top.

“What’s up?” he asked, hoping his tone didn’t betray how uncomfortable he still was around Micah. “Hope you like the red ones,” he added as an afterthought.

“They’re chocolate inside. They’re all the same,” Micah pointed out.

Ryan shrugged.

“Listen, I’m sorry, man. I was way out of line offering you that crap the other night.” For once, Micah stood still, and his animated expression was contrite.

Staring at him for a minute, Ryan squinted, trying to gauge what was going on. He never saw this coming.

Micah plunged ahead, realizing he wasn’t getting through to him yet. “Really. I’m sorry. That was one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done.”

Ryan was speechless a few seconds. “I appreciate it. Thanks.” Slowly, he extended a hand, and Micah shook it.

--

The stories and small talk continued until Mikhail called some order to the group. “Now is time to pray” he said seriously, “and share how the Lord is faithful to you this year.”

Around the room, heads bowed, and voices rose. “Lord, I thank You for being faithful in your provision for us.” Kylie started.

From beside her, Ryan spoke, “Lord… Thank You for being faithful to me in my sobriety. Thank You for these people You’ve brought into my life…for the challenges and the love they bring me.”

“God. Thanks for letting me be on the worship team. It’s so awesome.” Kenzie prayed, as a smile spread across her face. She squeezed Alex’s shoulder, gently, wishing there was something she could say to help her friend who still looked so down.

Drawn to look up by Kenzie’s enthusiastic prayer of thanks, Andrew saw Alex sitting quietly with her head bent low. He stared at her hard, until she looked up.

When their eyes met, Andrew prayed. “Father, I thank you for the darkness, because You take us through it.”

Alex sighed, and a slight smile touched her lips.

--

Voices tapered off, and Mikhail happily distributed notebook paper to everyone. He looked to Ryan and Josh, wanting them to understand what was going on.

“Sometime, I like for you to tell me how you are. So I’ll ask you to write me letter. You say what you want to tell me. Then, I take it home and read your mail and pray for you.”

“The end of the year is coming,” he told them seriously. “How are you doing since last letter? Let me know.”

Mindfully, all of them began to write, spreading out - some going to other rooms entirely.

And that night, as he’d done once, Mikhail sat down to read the words of the people who were so important to him.

--


Mikhail,

I wasn’t here last time everyone wrote letters, and I wasn’t always sure I would stay around here. It’s hard to struggle and not be entirely understood. I don’t mean I wanted anyone to justify the choices I made, or help me put the blame somewhere else, but it was hard not to be taken seriously about my addictions. Life outside of rehab is hard. It’s scary. It’s not something I would wish on anybody. But I want to let you know that I have met some amazing people here, and I plan to stay. Thank you for talking to everyone about the party, because I know you did.

Ryan

--

Dear Mikhail:

It’s hard being honest with my emotions, even now, and especially to my mother. Maybe you could pray about that for me?

Other than that things have been going really well for me. There are hard times, and God has taken me through a lot of ups and downs recently, but ultimately, I know in my heart that He is my strength…

It’s also pretty hard to come to terms with the fact that God won’t ever leave me. Things have been changing a lot in my life, and it’s hard to really know that there’s nothing I can do to make God so disappointed in me that He won’t love me anymore. That one’s quite personal, and it’s from experience with family and my own father, but you probably gathered that.

Thanks for praying.
Belle

--

Mikhail.

Things have pretty much sucked since the last time I wrote. I can’t lie. I wish I was the same happy person I used to be, but I guess I just need to be resigned to this change, because it looks like this might be who I am, at least for a while.

I’m very on top of things generally. Going to school, totally leaning on God, because He’s all I have, but personally things aren’t good. If you could pray, and keep praying for my family that would be awesome, because I’ve tried everything I know, and I can’t get through to them. Things are strained in the marriage and with me - just the whole family dynamic.

At least now I feel like I’ve turned a corner a little. Even if I have to live for a little while with this depression I know it has a purpose. And, yeah, it sucks, but I’ll make it through. It’s not the worst thing that could ever happen to me.

P.S. Your Russian pastries were awesome.

Alex

--

Mikhail,

I hate these things, and yet I write one every time you ask. Go figure. I know I keep messing up, but hopefully you can tell I’m trying to be someone who isn’t just a barrel of laughs. I want to do better than I’ve done in the past, I just don’t know how to go about that.

Micah

--

Dear Mikhail,

I am much happier today than I was this time last month. Things are looking up for me now. I read Psalms every day, and it’s so good for me to remember all those things, about not being afraid and the Lord being our protector. I need to know that.

That hug you gave me was something I have needed deep down for a long time. Thank you.

Elise

--

I’m not much for writing letters, but I know you don’t ask it a lot, so here goes. Life is actually looking good for me. It’s been a blessing getting to know everyone more, and seeing us go out of our way for one another more than we would have earlier on.

It means a lot to me to be able to give someone the opportunity to feel fulfilled.

Chris

--

Mikhail,

It would mean a lot if you could pray for me as a leader. I feel like I have done better this time around, but there is still a lot to be done. And stay in prayer for all the kids. They need it. I’m doing fine, and staying busy. Thanks.

Take care,
Missy

--

Hey Mikhail,

I really want next year to be good. I want to get out on the mission field or do something meaningful with my life and my time. I still really regret how much my friendships with others have suffered this year, but I’m doing my best to live differently and turn that around.

Gabe

--

Hey Mikhail,

Call the newspaper, I’ve got an open mind. Don’t really call the newspaper. It’s just an expression.

I can tolerate Josh, and I’m dealing with my situation better than before I met him - but don’t mention that to him. It’s been good to realize that by and large, people are more accepting than I thought. I think I’m my biggest enemy there, honestly.

Keep praying for me however you’ve been praying. Because it’s working.

Jared

--

Mikhail,

I’m learning humility. As important as it is to own it when you’re right, it’s just as important to acknowledge when you’re wrong.

In His grace,
Julia

--

Dear Mikhail,

I’m emerging from my own darkness now, so that hopefully, I can grow to be the kind of man to help others endure theirs. The person I was, who worked quietly in the shadows - I think I’m still that person. I don’t think I’ve changed that much. Last time, I had this need to be validated in the things I did. Now, I just wish I could hide, so I can heal.

Andrew

--

Mikhail,

Life has been pretty crazy lately. I don’t know. But I’ve definitely been finding my rhythm with things, and being a guardian for my sister and everything. It’s not easy. But I can’t think of anything I would rather be doing with my life, than making sure the one person that means the most to me is safe, and gets to have the kind of life she deserves.

That’s about it,
Rob

--

Hey Mikhail,

I had a real nice trip to visit family, and I also got to have Christmas dinner with Robby and Elise and Belle, so I got the best of both worlds, you could say.

I wanted to thank you for inviting us all over to your place, too. That was a lot of fun. It’s nice to see how big Miss Alyona’s getting lately. I bet you’re proud of her.

This year has brought so many blessings and changes that I can’t even guess what’s in store for me next year. Life is good though, even on the late shift.

Kylie

--

Mikhail,

It has been so awesome to get to know everybody here, and I’m so glad I was invited. Even though it’s technically for older people, It’s rare to find a group of people so close-knit and so accepting of other people. Of course, everyone has their flaws, but I think this is a great group anyway.

Sincerely,
Joshua

--

I quit the band. You didn’t even know I was in one. But I was. I’m glad to be the kind of woman I was admiring just a short time ago. I feel like I’m entering into something deeper than I’ve known. I’m where I’m supposed to be now,

And I didn’t have to sacrifice myself. I just had to look in the mirror decide who I wanted to be.

Kenzie

--

Later, while everyone was downstairs enjoying one another’s company and waiting for midnight, Mikhail sat at the kitchen table and read letters. He always enjoyed them, no matter what they said. And this time, he had another idea.

At the end of each letter, after taking a few minutes to read, and pray. Mikhail wrote a note back.

--

Kenzie was surprised to get her letter back. It was returned to her so quickly, she thought about asking Mikhail what the deal was. Then, she opened it, and read the note at the bottom:

Kenzie,

I am proud of you.

Mikhail

--

Josh didn’t expect to get anything back. He was eating some of the leftover chicken that Chris and Ryan made when he got his letter back, and asked Andrew to hold the paper open so he could read the extra message that Kenzie had announced Mikhail had included at the end of all the letters:

Joshua,

Very glad to have you with us.

Mikhail

--

Kylie blushed as she was caught cuddled close to Rob on the couch. Normally, she wouldn’t have minded, but it was sort of strange having Mikhail catch them being even a little affectionate. Taking her letter back, she moved away from everyone, and read:

Kylie,

So glad you have nice trip home. Yes, very proud of Alyona. Wonderful girl. You bless us much. Take care of yourself.

Mikhail

--

Since Rob was right next to Kylie, Mikhail gave his letter back at the same time. Rob wasn’t shy, and smiled happily at Mikhail when he got his letter back:

Rob,

You are good man to your family. Admire this much in you.

Mikhail

--

Andrew was still beside Josh when Mikhail came by with his letter. He was watching the scene in Time’s Square, with a serious face. When he felt the paper in his hands, Andrew looked up briefly, and tried to smile. Opening the letter, as Mikhail walked away, Andrew read:

Drew,

Stay close to God, and you will heal. I pray for you until this happen.

Mikhail

--

Mikhail found Julia next. She opened her letter fearlessly and read it in front of him:

Julia,

To learn humility is good - to be humble is much more.

Mikhail

--

Jared opened his letter distractedly, tearing his attention away from the television long enough to flip open the paper. But once he saw the message, he slowed.

Jared,

Glad you can be a friend for Josh. Good for you. I will always pray for you.

Mikhail

--

Gabe knew what was coming by now, and thanked Mikhail on his way by. He opened the letter and reread his own message briefly before his eyes fell on the new handwriting across the bottom:

Gabe,

Cannot change what is already happen. Can only change what kind of person you will be. Do what the Lord tell you.

Mikhail

--

Missy was the one person, Mikhail needed to search to find. She was in another room, cleaning up, and throwing away trash. He left the note for her on the coffee table. When he left, she read it:

Missy,

You bless me much with all your help. Thank you.

Mikhail

--

Mikhail returned downstairs to find Chris, who was telling Alex a long story about the professor he had that she was sure to get in the future. He stopped long enough to read the note, and laugh.

Chris,

I like the chicken. Maybe you can make it again?

Mikhail

--

Elise was on the other side of Belle, with Andrew and Josh on the couch. Elise stopped trying to calculate how many more minutes until New Year’s, and gratefully took the letter from Mikhail’s hand, thanking him with her smile. Unfolding it, she saw his message, and tears came to her eyes.

Elise,

The hug I give you, I think I wait too long to give. You seem to need it a long time. I think of my little girl when I hug you, and know that you are somebody’s little girl, too.

Mikhail

--

Micah stared warily at Mikhail as he took the letter from him - not having a clue what it said, and not feeling sure he wanted to know. But at Mikhail’s encouraging nod, he opened it, and read:

Micah,

You are great friend to me.

Mikhail

--

Interrupting Chris’s story a second time, Mikhail approached Alex this time, and handed off the letter.

Sasha,

My wife make the Russian pastries, but I tell her you like them. You need anything call me. You need a place to come, please stay with us. I want to do much as I can to help you. Doesn’t matter if you change a little bit. Still a faithful follower of God, and still a blessing to so many of us. Don’t forget this.

Mikhail

--

Quickly, Mikhail made his way back to the couch, where the four younger kids sat, and stopped in front of Belle. She smiled, taking the letter, and then walked a little ways away for privacy and read:

Belle,

I see you struggle a long time. And I pray a long time for you. Maybe read the gospels, and watch how much Jesus love everybody. You bless everyone much.

Mikhail

--

Finally, Mikhail stopped by Ryan, who until recently, had been sitting alone. Now, Chris and Alex had joined him, and the three were yelling at the television. Mikhail gave Ryan the letter, knowing it was the last one, and picked out a spot, sitting around Micah and Jared. Once he was far enough away, and Chris and Alex were adequately distracted, Ryan read his letter.

Ryan,

You are brave person to be true about what your struggle is. I am so glad you stay with us. I’m glad you share your pain with us and your not hide yourself anymore. Be who you are. That make me so proud. Take care of yourself, and always know you have family here who want everything good for you. Stay close with God, He will help you, and be with you always.

Mikhail

Mercy: Chapter 11

Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who only dream by night.
- Edgar Allan Poe

Andrew heard the front door open and wished he hadn’t.

His mother was a mess, and his dad had disappeared somewhere again. It didn’t help matters that he was the reason for his mom’s tears. It was happening that way more and more often. Andrew had a bitterness in him that he didn’t dare give a voice to. If he did, Andrew was sure his mom would be hurt far worse than she had been already.

As he walked down the hall, he heard Belle speaking to his mother - she sounded concerned, by the crying, no doubt.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded, looking straight at Belle.

Confusion filled Belle’s eyes, as she looked at her friend. He dressed the same as always - jeans and a snazzy button-down shirt - but his face was a mask of something she didn’t recognize.

“I thought we were gonna hang out…” Belle started, perplexed by his dark tone of voice.

He strode into the room further. “Well, we’re not. And I never asked you to drop by if I didn’t show.” he spat.

“Andrew,” Belle started, hating to see how upset his mother looked. “Would you excuse us?” she asked, trying to keep her voice pleasant, despite the fact that Andrew had been disrespecting her more and more recently.

Belle moved into the living room, and as expected, Andrew followed. He always followed when he was mad.

“We made plans. When you didn’t show up, I needed to make sure everything was okay.”

“No, you didn’t.” he defended.

“If it were you, you would’ve checked up on me.” she pointed out.

Andrew bristled. “If it were me, we wouldn’t have had any plans to break.”

“Why is that?” Belle wanted to know. “You’re mad ‘cause I came over here, and you never would act like this even a month ago. What’s going on? Your mother’s crying, you’re crabby and nasty, and that’s not like you.”

“What do you know about it,” he scoffed, taking a chair on the far side of the room.

Not put off in the least, Belle followed him, crouching in front of the chair. “I won’t know anything about it, unless you tell me. And I wish you would tell me.”

Belle’s eyes were alight with compassion, and Andrew had to look away. He knew if he didn’t get her to leave soon, things were going to start showing.

“Just get out. I never wanted you here to start with.” This time his eyes locked with hers.

The hurt flooded her eyes, just like he knew it would.

“Don’t speak to me like that,” she demanded quietly, her gaze piercing his.

Instantly, Andrew felt ashamed. He hadn’t recently, especially with all the arguments and hurtful things he’d said to his parents. Even to Belle. He hadn’t allowed himself to feel shame. Every time before this, he’d felt justified. He was in pain, and he wanted to cause it in someone else. As horrible as that was, it was the truth. Only now, with a soft reprimand, was able to come back to himself enough to feel regret.

“Would you please leave?” Andrew asked, purposely rewording his earlier comment, and praying she saw through this too.

Belle took his hands in her own. They felt cold, and he didn’t squeeze when she did.

In one word, he had his answer.

“No.”

Andrew closed his eyes, both relieved and terrified that she had decided to stay.

Belle pulled him to his feet, and walked them both downstairs to the den. She turned on their fireplace, and tossed a blanket to him, waiting for him to pick a spot. Unexpectedly, he chose the couch. Though he didn’t pat the area next to him, Belle knew it was implied, and went to sit beside him.

“You wanna tell me anything?” she asked softly, playing with the fringe on the edge of the blanket.

Andrew sighed. He wanted to tell her a million things. That he was a horrible friend, a horrible son. That his mom cried all the time, and his dad was never around anymore. That he was lonely. That he was hurt. But none of those things came.

Instead, he dug around his pants pocket, and withdrew a picture.

It looked dated and creased. Belle took it from him gingerly. It showed a chubby red-headed toddler holding a baby awkwardly in his arms. They were sitting in a rocking chair.

“Is this you?” Belle asked softly, brushing the image of the child with red curls.

“Yeah.” Andrew admitted, not able to look at the proud smile on his face in the picture.

“Who’s the baby?” she asked carefully.

“My brother, Thomas.” Andrew’s tone stayed matter of fact, though Belle sensed much more behind it.

“Like Andrew and Thomas.” Belle realized, remembering the disciples from the Bible.

Andrew smiled faintly. “Growing up, I was sure that was my brother and me. Later I found out, it was just coincidence. My parents didn’t even mean for it to be like that, it just happened.”

“It’s still neat, though,” Belle said. Secretly, she’d always wished she’d been born with a Biblical first name, rather than that of a Disney character. Her middle name was quite Biblical, but Christine just didn’t work as a first name, even if she wanted to be known by it.

“How old were you?” she asked, getting back to the picture she held.

“I was around three. That was when they just brought him home from the hospital.”

“You look happy to have him,” Belle smiled.

“I was…” Andrew swallowed, not wanting to get emotional about this. There were too many emotional people walking around his house already.

“What happened to him?” Belle asked, taking one of Andrew’s hands.

Andrew took a breath. “He died a week after that was taken. Crib death.” Then, almost as an afterthought: “It was in December.”

Instantly Belle understood. That explained his mother’s tears, and his mood. It explained why Andrew’s dad, who was always home, now suddenly was nowhere to be found almost every time she visited.

Shifting, Belle reached over, and put her arms around him. “Andrew, I’m sorry.”

Tonelessly - and as if she hadn’t spoken at all - he continued. “I remember kissing him goodnight and then the next morning, my parents were so upset. I asked where Tommy was, and they said he went bye-bye. I was six before they told me he was dead. They wanted to wait ‘til I had a better grasp of the concept. I think admitting it to me finally made it real to them… ‘Cause we moved out of New York then and came here.”

“What did you do when they told you?” Belle wondered, still holding onto him.

“I just went with it. I had figured out by then that something was off about what they told me. When they said he was dead, I just accepted it. It made more sense than that he went somewhere. He was just a baby, so even at three I knew he couldn’t go anywhere alone.” Andrew spoke softly, his voice still flirting between fine and out of control.

“So you’re hurting.” Belle told him seriously.

“I’m angry,” he corrected, though he continued to sound calm.

Gently, Belle brought a hand up to the back of his head, and kept it there. Defeated now, Andrew laid his head on his friend’s shoulder.

“You’re hurting…” she repeated gently. “It’s okay to hurt. You just could never tell anybody about it, and all that hurt turned into anger. But I bet you feel sad deep inside, don’t you?” she asked, speaking to the younger part of him - the toddler who never grieved.

Andrew nodded, not speaking, as he rested on her shoulder. Hot tears fell, and his body convulsed with silent anguish.

Belle patted his back, feeling his tears soak her shirt.

“You don’t have to be brave anymore,” she told him, barely able to hold back her own tears. “Not for me.”

Andrew held on tight, knowing that now, he didn’t have another option.

“Lord,” Belle prayed. “I thank You so much for Andrew. “And I thank You for the blessing that Tommy was to their family.”

“But, Lord, I ask that You would just comfort Andrew and his mom and dad right now, as they’re mourning this great loss. I ask that You would come and mend that break in their hearts that goes so deep, Father. I ask that You would come and fill the emptiness they’re enduring right now. I ask that You would draw them close to one another and help them be there for each other, because it’s now more than any other time, when they need to be together.”

“I thank You so much for Andrew’s friendship, and for all the ways he has helped me, as well as so many people and never complained. I thank You that You blessed him with the ability to handle the truth of what happened, and for the opportunity he has right now for You to be his strength. Let him not feel my arms around him, but Yours…”

--

Andrew didn’t know how long Belle prayed, or how long she sat there, and held him. But eventually, he felt okay enough to pull back.

The first thing he saw was her smile.

“I don’t feel like I deserved any of that after how I treated you,” he admitted.

“Well, you do. Don’t think about it, okay? Mercy’s not deserved, it’s just given.”

Comfortable silence fell between them, and for a moment, neither was compelled to fill it.

“I’ve never even been to a cemetery,” Andrew said. “My dad goes all the time, even if it’s just to local ones so he can feel closer to him. But I’ve never gone once. Even to the one in New York where Tommy’s buried. My parents go every year about this time. They take a plane out. They asked me last year if I wanted to make the trip with them, and I said no. “

“That’s why you came over and slept on my couch those couple nights last winter? That’s the trip out of town your parents made?”

He nodded.

“And this year?” she pressed.

“I wanna go…but I don’t think I can.”

“Too much?” she guessed, knowing how it felt to be overwhelmed by new circumstances.

Again, he nodded. “I’d like to go someplace though, just to pay my respects. Lay flowers, or whatever.”

“My grandmother’s buried at a cemetery nearby. If you felt comfortable, or wanted to, I could go with you and we could visit her.”

“Maybe sometime.” Andrew allowed, not sure how ready he was to embrace cemeteries and the reality that his baby brother was in one so far from him.

He hesitated. “What I really want is to do something for him. Once I figured out where he was, and the time of year, I’ve had this idea that he would be cold.” Andrew confided, studying the fringe on the edge of the blanket he was using. “Maybe I could make him something like this?” he looked to Belle hopefully.

“That’s a great idea,” she smiled. “They’re easy to make. I can show you.”

“Could you help me? I’m not much for picking anything out. I don’t think I could do that part.”

Belle pulled him to her resolutely. “I’d be honored. I’ll pray as I’m going, so it’s just right.”

“Thank you.” he whispered, feeling tears of gratitude fill his eyes.

“You’re welcome.” She squeezed his hand.

“I mean, I’m not ready to make the trip with them yet, but this way, they’ll at least have something to give him from me.” Andrew sighed again.

Belle leaned close to him, whispering in his ear:

“Tommy would be proud of you. You’re a good big brother.”

--

It wasn’t long before Belle decided to be true to her word, and buy fleece for Andrew’s baby brother. She knew Andrew probably wasn’t expecting it this soon, but Belle felt sure that in matters of the heart, it was important to follow through and do so quickly.

In the car, Belle prayed, and listened to Disney soundtracks - trying to get in touch with her own inner-child. It might look silly to a passerby, but Belle wasn’t interested in what they thought anyway. She sang and prayed all the way to the fabric store, and by the time she got there, and took in all the enormous rolls of fleece, she was intimidated.

Who was she to think she could accomplish something like this? A baby didn’t have a favorite color or toy. She didn’t have anywhere at all to begin. Belle thought of Andrew as a first grader, and how he had loved super heroes and knights. She wondered if it would be too presumptuous to assume that Tommy might have grown to love the same things.

Eventually, Belle decided against the heroic, solid standby colors of blue and red, and went looking for something for a baby. Once she had that thought in mind, Belle was instinctively drawn to the softer colors. Blues and yellows. Patterns depicting baby ducks, and teddy bears and blocks. Always praying, Belle waited quite a bit of time to hear from the Lord.

When she finally did, Belle carefully chose a soft yellow for the back of the blanket. After that, she wondered what she should get for the front. What might Andrew choose if he were here?

That narrowed it down a bit. Belle dismissed the pattern with ducks, and after careful thought, also left the one with alphabet blocks untouched on the shelf. She approached the roll with gentle blue background and lots of cuddly looking teddy bears. In seconds, Belle knew that was the one, and took her selections to the counter to get pieces cut.

“Are you making a blanket?” the woman behind the counter asked pleasantly.

Belle nodded. “Yes, I am. It’s actually for a newborn. Is there a size difference? I know a yard-and-a-half is usually standard.”

“We can work with you on that,” the woman said agreeably.

The pieces of fleece that were cut were so small that Belle’s heart ached. “Thank you,” she managed, trying not to tear up in front of this lady.

--

Once that was done, Belle swung by a little convenience store and surveyed the card selection, finally picking one that suited Andrew best. And after that, she went by the coffee house, where she knew he always went alone, and asked for his picture.

“I can’t,” he managed. “Belle, don’t ask me for it, it’s all I have.” His voice was thick with grief and feeling.

But Belle did ask again, promising before God, that she would bring the picture back unharmed.

Little did he know how much more he would get in return. Belle returned to the same corner convenience store, which also had a photo developing station. Belle ignored the counter itself and went nearby to the little machine used for resizing.

Carefully, she placed the worn three-by-five face-down in the machine and closed it, asking for assistance. When she was finally at the right screen, Belle chose to make it a five-by-seven, and cropped out the extra bit of wall in the background, zooming in on the brothers and the rocking chair.

When Belle was finished, she took the original out of the machine, and the two five-by-seven prints the machine gave her. Then, she went frame shopping. She chose something simple and wooden, and bought two of the same.

Within and hour, Belle returned to the coffee shop and gave Andrew back his picture, and told him she had gotten the fleece.

“Belle, I can’t.” he told her apologetically. “I know I said we’d do it, but I didn’t think you’d actually go buy the stuff. Just forget it, okay? His posture was defeated, and he held his head up with one hand.

Andrew wore a white tee shirt and blue jeans. His coat was slung over the back of the chair he occupied. He wasn’t wearing winter boots, Belle noticed, even though he had them. He looked more pale than usual, and his eyes were bright. His red hair looked dull and lifeless. She knew this was a tough day for him, and regretted taking his picture away at a time like this.

“When do your parents leave for New York?” Belle asked gently.

“In a couple days,” he managed.

Belle made a mental note that her project would have to be all done by then.

“Do you wanna stay at my house again?” she wondered.

He nodded, not looking up from the table top. He hadn’t even gotten anything to drink.

Belle decided to press a little, not wanting Andrew to have any regrets about not helping with the blanket, if that’s what he really wanted to do.

“If you really wanna make the blanket, you know I’ll help you, don’t you?”

“I know…I just don’t even think I can look at the material,” he admitted softly.

“Andrew…I’m sorry,” Belle apologized finally, putting an arm around him and laying her head on his shoulder. “I just don’t want you to be sorry you didn’t help.”

Closing his eyes, Andrew took a breath. He knew Belle was right. “Can you get it ready for me? Show me how to tie the knots?”

Belle nodded, giving his shoulder a little squeeze. “Do you want to see it now, or do you wanna look by yourself?”

“I’ll look at it myself,” he told her quietly.

“All right. Well I’m gonna go home and get it ready, and then I’ll go by your house and drop it off.”

“All right,” Andrew nodded. “Make sure my parents don’t see it. I’m gonna send it with them.”

“I know. I’ll make sure. If you’re not home, I’ll just leave it in your room.”

--

Andrew didn’t come home until after 9:00 PM. It wasn’t unusually late, but considering he’d spent more than six hours at the same place, it felt like he’d been out a long time. His parents were up, but they were in their room talking. So, he went to his room quietly, not wanting to draw extra attention to the bag of fleece.

He was alone in his room, silently looking at the bag that Belle had set just inside his bedroom door. She’d even pulled the door closed behind her , so that his parents could be left in the dark just like he wanted. This, Andrew knew, he had to do on his own. He couldn’t rely on Belle to make it and then give it to his parents to take to New York - it wouldn’t be right.

Carefully, Andrew brought the simple plastic bag to his bed, after the door to his room was shut and locked securely. He sat on his bed, and fought the urge to fill his room with background noise of the radio or a CD. It was tempting to drown out his thoughts and his grief with his favorite song - or even a sad one - or some of the extra irritating Christmas music the stations insisted on playing since before Thanksgiving. But instinctively, Andrew was aware that he needed to pour all of himself into this, without distraction.

He hadn’t needed a refresher on a square knot. So it didn’t matter that Belle forgot that detail. But as Andrew peered in the bag, he saw that everything Belle had promised, was done. The fleece was cut along the sides for the fringes. Gently, he took the fabric out, and set it on the bed. It was folded, which was more than he expected.

Though the fleece was sitting in front of him, Andrew couldn’t yet detect a pattern or a color. He wasn’t ready. But slowly, he unfolded what would soon be a blanket for his brother, and as he did, he saw teddy bears. Against his will, he smiled, because it was perfect.

The fabric was pale, washed out blue. In its midst there were brown, fuzzy bears, surrounded by puffs of white. Had Belle known there were clouds, or was it coincidence? Taking hold of the first two fabric ties, Andrew finally noticed the gentle yellow fabric at the back. He shook his head, slightly, not quite believing what an amazing job Belle had done picking out just the type of blanket Tommy might have had years ago.

It was something Andrew could imagine his mother choosing while she was pregnant, or in the days after the baby’s birth.

Andrew set to work diligently, feeling his fingers work instinctively tying the knot as if it were second-nature. A smile touched Andrew’s lips again. He was so grateful that Belle had stayed away from the traditional choices of garish red and deep pine - Christmas colors - for this blanket. He had a hard time with red and green. Those were the colors always present when he was sad growing up.

Time evaporated as Andrew worked. In no time, the blanket had taken shape, and looked like it should. The gentle blue was now outlined by yellow fringe.

Andrew reached for the bag, to replace the blanket for safekeeping until his parents’ trip. Pulling it toward him, for the first time, he realized it had some weight. Reaching inside, Andrew took out a package, wrapped prettily in Beauty and the Beast holiday paper. Andrew didn’t know how Belle always had an unending supply - not that he minded.

He opened the envelope first, knowing a card was inside, but unaware of an occasion. The outside was simple, a black-and-white snapshot of two children - taken from behind. They had their arms around each other. Andrew knew by the overalls that they were boys.

Opening the card, he read:

Andrew,
Hope this is all right. I’ll be praying for you, until you call and say that you’re done. There’s something else, too. Just because I thought it might be nice to have, for both of you.
All my love,
Belle

Silently, Andrew stared at the wrapped package. Slowly, he tore the paper back. What he saw took his breath.

It was his picture. He had almost forgotten Belle had taken it for a while that afternoon. It was bigger now, and it was framed. Andrew picked it up, and immediately saw that beneath it, there was a second, identical picture.

He shut his eyes, knowing what he had to do.

Lovingly, he took out the blanket, and opened it, tucking one of the pictures between the folds. That one would go to New York and be with his brother.

Andrew set the other picture on his nightstand, and then picked up the phone to call Belle.

--

“Thank you.”

“Andrew,” Belle realized, hearing his voice on the other end of the call.

He nodded, even though she couldn’t see him.

“Thank you,” he repeated, not able to say anything else.

“You’re welcome,” Belle said, feeling tears choke her voice. She let them come.

Andrew stared at the blanket, which he had since taken out of its bag, and spread over the comforter of his own bed. “I’m done,” he managed. “It’s perfect, thank you.”

Belle had never heard him so grateful, or so surprised. She stayed silent.

“And the picture…Belle, I don’t know what I ever did to deserve a friend like you.” Andrew was speechless.

“I thought you should have more than one picture of him,” she offered, through her own tears.

“I’m sending one to him,” Andrew told her seriously.

She smiled. “I figured you would. Well, you come over whenever you want, okay?”

“I will, but I have to give this to my parents first,” he told her, his voice softening.

“I’ll see you soon.”

Mercy: Chapter 10

Time does not change us. It just unfolds us.
- Max Frisch

Belle sat in her car, eagerly awaiting the right time to ambush her friends. It was Christmas break - holiday break - as school called it now. She supposed it was only fair to kids of different religions. Belle could imagine how stifling it would be to be forced to acknowledge someone else’s holiday while yours went largely ignored.

It was only the first Tuesday night of the long vacation. But Belle felt sure that she had waited long enough - allowing each of her friends the family time they needed before intruding and spiriting them all off to an evening of fun and ice cream. She stopped by Josh’s first, feeling certain that she could squeeze Alex, Elise and Andrew in her tiny back seat. Though having Josh back there would technically make the most sense, because he was the tiniest, she knew it wasn’t at all fair to him, and regretted even having the thought.

Luckily, he was at home. He’d gotten to spend the last few days with Katerina, who was home from college, and was happy to go with Belle on her adventure.

As it turned out, Katerina and Josh were the only ones home, so Belle got to meet the sister she had heard so much about. She was petite, like her brother, and also smart. She was going to school for nursing, and Belle was impressed and observant watching the way Katerina handled Josh.

“Do you have a curfew?” Belle asked, knowing that even she had to answer to her mother, regardless of whether it was a vacation, weekend, or school night.

He shook his head smirking. “Nope.”

“What time do you want him home by?” Belle called out the window, laughing as Josh’s smirk dissolved into a scowl.

“When do you think you’ll be done?” she asked, sticking her head in the car.

Belle considered. “Maybe midnight?”

Katerina grinned. “That’s fine. You’ll be with a group, though?”

“Yeah, there’ll be, like, five of us. Josh’s just my first stop. It’s kind of spur of the moment.” Belle confided.

“Okay. Josh, call me if you’ll be later.”

--

As much as Belle relished in being spontaneous and stealing her friends for a night on the town, she figured it would be best to call Elise’s. She knew there had been some issues with her mother resurfacing, and wanted to be sure it would be okay to take her out, and keep her somewhat late.

She got on the phone, while pulling away from Josh’s and heading to pick up Andrew and Alex.

“Hi, Robby, it’s Belle. Is Elise handy?” Belle looked at Josh, swatting his hand away as he moved to change the station on the radio.

A minute later, Elise picked up. Belle smiled, hearing how quickly she found her voice and said hello.

“Hey you. It’s Belle. Listen, I wonder if I can come over and pick you up in a few minutes?”

“Um…for what?” Elise asked, playing with the cord on the telephone. She wasn’t sure she wanted to go out tonight. She didn’t want to leave Robby and Kylie to deal with her mother alone.

Elise heard the Christmas music playing on the radio in the background. The festive mood felt fake and forced. Robby was wearing an ugly green sweater, and Kylie wore something red, which, of course, looked great on her, but still. It was as if nobody had informed them that the day they were reaching for was still a little ways away. She wouldn’t admit that deep down, she dreaded the holiday just as much as her brother. With Kylie heading home to Chicago in a few hours, and their mom in town, it would be far from the joyous first Christmas with her brother Elise had imagined. She would take any excuse she could to get out of the apartment.

“Ice cream. Josh, Alex and Andrew are coming, too.” Belle explained.

“Elise, you gotta come!” Josh called. “It’s the best place and you can make your own flavor,” he bribed, hoping he sounded convincing.

Laughing out loud for the first time in days, Elise agreed. “Okay. You wanna ask Robby if it’s okay” Elise wondered.

“No, you can do it,” Belle told her, sounding sure.

Hesitating, Elise took a step, so she could see into the kitchen where Robby and Kylie were making cider and Chex Mix. “Hey Robby?”

“What’s up?” he asked, trying not to let the strain of the last few days show on his face.

“Can I go with Belle? To get ice cream?”

“Where are you gonna be?”

“Where are we going?” Elise wondered.

“Downtown,” Belle answered, dancing around to an especially fun part of a song that was just playing.

“Downtown,” Elise echoed, relaying the message to her brother and Kylie.

Rob looked at Kylie. Kylie looked back. They seemed to be having one of those adult conversations without any words. The exact type her parents had, when Elise had been in kindergarten, and asked to ride her bike around the corner to play with her friend, Raquel.

“Belle,” Elise whispered conspiratorially, “They’re looking at each other.”

“She says they’re looking at each other,” Belle passed on to Josh, who looked comical in his panic.

“Elise!” he hollered obnoxiously again. “Tell ‘em you’ll be with a group!”

“You guys, I’ll be with a group,” Elise tried. She felt a little thrill inside, and tried to keep her giddy smile in check. This felt so normal.

“Alex is going, too,” Belle reminded.

“Alex is going. She’s an adult. Can’t I go?” Elise stopped herself, knowing she was close to whining.

“What time will you be home?” Rob asked, deciding not to impose anything, and see what happened.

Belle heard his question. “Ask him if midnight’s okay.”

“Midnight.” Elise relayed.

“All right, but you’d better be in this door at 12:00. Call me if you’re gonna be later or if your plans change.”

--

Belle hung up with Elise soon after. By then, Andrew was in the back seat and he and Josh were in a heated discussion about hobbits and elves. She didn’t admit to either of them that she didn’t have the slightest clue what a hobbit was, and that the only elves she was aware of were the kind that helped Santa get ready for Christmas.

She shut her eyes briefly, praying that Alex would want to come. She had prepared herself mentally, in case Alex didn’t want to go. That is, she was prepared to drag her kicking and screaming, if necessary.

Belle felt sad, knowing there was more going on with Alex than she was saying, and knowing that thus far, no one had gone to any lengths at all to figure out what her trouble was. They were so used to Alex being the life of the party. When she stopped, there wasn’t a big fuss, there were just other parties, and Alex either didn’t go, or stayed so quiet, someone might forget she was there at all.

Alex had been all but nonexistent at social stuff recently. She came, but she wasn’t ever into it, and she was never herself. The girl who had once prided herself, by having a lot of “junk in her trunk”, now had almost no backside to speak of - and only ate when she was forced.

Pulling into the driveway, Belle got out, leaving the boys in the car, still all into whatever the heck they were talking about and walked up to the house. It was a little before seven, but dark already. The house was also dark, but Alex’s car was parked outside.

Belle knocked on the door. And when that didn’t work, she rang the bell.

Minutes later, a sleepy Alex answered.

She was in pajamas, or really old sweats - either way she wasn’t really dressed to go out. And she had a navy bandanna tied around her neck. Belle got a sinking feeling when she saw it, knowing what she was covering up, and knowing that around friends, she never had it on. Wordlessly, she took Alex’s hand, and walked her out to the car, after making sure she had a coat, shoes, and Gabe‘s church key on her.

“Hey, Alex,” Andrew greeted quietly from the backseat. “Answer us something.” he challenged, noting that the same depression that clung to his mom these days, was also thick around his friend. “Who do you think would win in a battle? An elf or a hobbit?”

She didn’t know where they were headed, nor did she really care. Anywhere had to be better than where she’d been. No one in her family knew she’d spent from Sunday after church ‘til just now in bed. They were too busy fighting over bills and money, over what her father deemed “unnecessary expenses.” Ones she knew she incurred. She wondered what he would rather she had done? Leave the thing in there and pray for it to be nothing? She wasn’t that kind of girl. Had it been anything else, he would have been encouraging her to take care of it herself, get rid of it, be an adult. But now, it was different. All the sudden she wasn’t strong, and an adult for taking care of something potentially dangerous all but alone - she was irresponsible. And now she wasn’t even pretty anymore.

“…Say elf,” Josh whispered from the front seat. “It’s elf, no contest.”

Alex glanced out the window. “Neither,” she spoke softly. “An elf and a hobbit wouldn’t fight each other.”

--

It took several more minutes for Belle’s carload to arrive at their destination.

Once there, Andrew got Josh from the car to his chair, and walked beside Josh as he pushed himself toward the door. Normally, Andrew knew, Josh would have been talking his ear off about all the fallibilities of not only Andrew’s elf-hobbit answer, but also, as Alex had pointed out - the question in itself. Instead, though, he was silent, and concentrating, which made Andrew aware he struggled, even though he probably didn’t want anybody knowing that.

Though they arrived inside well behind everyone else, Belle was still waiting with Alex and Elise just inside the doors.

“Hey, you didn’t have to wait,” Josh apologized.

Belle shook her head, dismissively. “It’s no problem.”

Since she looked like it really wasn’t, Josh let the matter drop.

The five of them approached the counter in the front, and Alex blinked against the fluorescent lights. She didn’t know what she was even doing here - she knew she was there for ice cream, obviously, but she hardly remembered Belle coming to the door. It didn’t help either, that most food had lost its appeal to her. The thought of eating her own personally created flavor would have at one time, required a lot of exclaiming and possibly a dance expressing what joy and anticipation her words could not. But now the thought of making something seemed like a tremendous amount of work, and right now she was just too tired.

Alex felt a hand on her arm and turned.
Elise was standing just behind her, eyes wide. “I didn’t realize there would be so much here,” she told Alex softly, taking in all the flavors on various boards on the walls.

“I know the feeling.” Alex returned, forcing a smile.

“Do you think you could help me? There’s too much to look at, and I don’t know what to get.” Elise bit her lip, hoping someone could help her. She knew one thing for sure. She wasn’t coming into a place like this and just getting vanilla.

“Belle’s been here a hundred times. She’ll know what’s good.” Alex told her, stepping up to the counter and placing her own order. When she had it in her hand, she turned and walked over to one of the small tables and sat down, stirring it.

Belle stared at Alex’s small white dish of vanilla ice cream. It looked so pathetic and bland that she followed her to the table, took the ice cream from Alex and walked it back up to the counter, asking for some sprinkles to perk it up.

Josh ordered the a crazy combination of peanut butter and chocolate ice cream, and asked for some candy bar pieces to be added. He then surveyed the flavors again, and asked them to add a scoop of the one that had mocha chips included.

He happily handed his dish to Andrew and made his way to a table right by the girls. Elise was sitting there with Alex. Elise had several scoops of green ice cream with little brown specks in her dish. The whole concoction was covered in chocolate syrup.

Belle and Andrew simultaneously walked back with the same cotton candy flavored scoop on the bottom of their cone, and chocolate chip cookie dough on top. They were sitting down before they noticed they had ordered the same thing, and for the first time Belle could recall, Andrew looked her way and smiled.

“So…” Josh began, glancing across the tiny table at Andrew, “What kind of disgusting flavor is that?” He dug his spoon into his own ice cream, crunching away on a large bite.

Andrew stared back at Josh, deadpan in his expression. “You should talk. How much sugar and caffeine is in that?”

“Not nearly enough,” Josh decided, securing another huge scoop on his spoon and devouring it.

Beside them, Elise had gotten a spoonful of chocolate syrup, and was drizzling it overtop her mint chocolate chip again.

“Hey, Alex, here.” Belle invited, holding her cone out.

“No, thanks…” Alex waved it away.

“Come on…” Belle encouraged.

Alex remained unmoved, so Belle moved onto Elise. “You wanna try some?” she offered the cone across the table.

Elise shook her head, slurping the wet mess she’d made of her ice cream. It looked light brown and chunky, but still tasted like mint.

Josh looked over at the girls again, noticing Alex stirring her vanilla around and around.

“So,” he started conversationally. “How are your sprinkles?” The question was put sweetly enough, but the message in his eyes was clear:

Eat. And eat a lot.

Andrew wanted to kick Josh under the table, but he held back. Had anyone noticed Andrew’s own lack of interest in food? Not yet. Did Josh know the first thing about how difficult it was to eat when your mind was consumed with something else? Did they even know she was depressed? Did they know his mom was? Did they care?

Getting up from the table, he headed for the restroom, casually tossing his ice cream in the trash on the way by.

Elise could tell from pretty early on that Andrew wasn’t in the best of moods. And the way he got up and trashed his ice cream, and looked all bitter, just gave him away even more. She wasn’t really sure what was wrong, but she knew it wasn’t even close to how fun it could be, with Andrew not joining in.

So, while he was in the bathroom, Elise set to work, collecting scrunchies from the Belle and Alex, and removing the one from her own hair. She asked Belle to borrow her brush, and then waited patiently for Andrew to come out.

When he did, she was ready.

“Hey, Andrew, come here,” she called, standing behind his chair.

Automatically, he slowed his usual pace to something more methodical, not knowing what Elise had up her sleeve. He noticed distractedly, that all the girls looked different somehow.

Elise looked so eager, though, that Andrew couldn’t help feeling some of his bitterness go away, as he obediently took his chair back.

“What are we doing?” he wondered, feeling perplexed. He felt her hand in his hair, gathering up a chunk and then securing it with something elastic.

Josh guffawed. “Dude… We are not doing anything. You are being turned into a pretty princess.”

Elise smirked at Josh from over Andrew’s head. “I’ve been…practicing my technique. And if you had more hair, I’d do you next,” she warned.

She went gentle at the sides of Andrew’s head, knowing how bad pigtails hurt, but feeling sure that the benefit of laughter outweighed a little bit of pain.

When she was done, he looked appropriately ridiculous, with one small collection of his red hair standing straight up at the top of his head, and a pigtail on either side. Elise was pleased.

Andrew grabbed Belle’s compact from her, and tried to get a good view of his whole head.

“Elise…” he said slowly.

She was quiet beside him, losing her voice a moment, but not really knowing if his comment was meant to have a response anyway. She smiled at him, hoping he would see the humor in what she’d done.

Andrew shook his head slightly, feeling his heart warm at her kind attempts to make him happy. They didn’t succeed as well as she would have wanted, but at least now he could smile. Even Alex was snickering at him, and Josh had tears rolling down his face from giggling so hard and long. Belle’s face remained serious, which was a joke in itself, and he let the smile he’d been feeling inside finally show itself.

“I look so pretty.“ Andrew spoke softly, as if shocked by his own beauty.

Elise nodded, fighting back the laugh that wanted to come, but Josh’s giggling was so hilarious that she couldn’t help herself. That boy had a whole body laugh, and by now was vibrating with silent chuckles, as his eyes watered, and he tried in vain for composure.

Soon all of them were a mess, hardly able to keep their glee at an acceptably quiet level.

And when Elise felt Andrew embrace her gently from behind, she felt proud, knowing she’d helped him in the way he had always helped her.

When nothing was funny, she gave him a reason to laugh.

--

It was Alex who suggested hot chocolate. So they piled back into Belle’s car, and made their way to the favorite little café in that area, which served holiday beverages, as well as coffee, cider, tea and hot chocolate.

It was the perfect transition. Andrew took out his ponytails and returned the hair elastics to their rightful owners - though he did order his beverage beforehand, even causing the severe looking woman behind the counter to crack a smile.

They sat with each other, some in big comfortable chairs, and others on regular wooden ones. Josh pulled up to a table.

Belle asked how they felt about stopping by church for a while, and Andrew told her he needed to get going home soon. Elise, Josh and Alex agreed, and Belle let Josh and Elise borrow her phone to call their houses and let their siblings know where they’d be for the remainder of the night.

Closing time was approaching, and again, the five of them returned to Belle’s car - an old but dependable maroon Datsun that Andrew made fun of mercilessly, and headed toward home to drop him off.

The ride to church after that was eerily silent - all of them full, and digesting.

In the back, Alex crept across the middle of the seat where Andrew had been, and put her head in Elise’s lap, knowing Elise wouldn’t say anything, and that she wouldn’t mind. It had been so long since Alex felt safe and accepted anywhere. But she knew Elise was well-acquainted with that feeling.

Alex felt gross and ashamed in her sweats. For a brief moment, Alex wished she had worn something different - one of her famous logo-bearing tee shirts. But in the same moment, Alex knew she would much rather feel shameful than be a poser.

Elise accepted Alex the same way she always had - with a strangely maternal instinct she couldn’t quite explain.

For some reason - one Elise still wasn’t sure she totally understood - Alex felt safe with her. And more than that, she felt safe to be vulnerable around her, which, Elise guessed, was something she probably didn’t do a whole lot anymore.

She let Alex rest her head on Elise’s lap, and played with her hair gently, knowing instinctively that this was hard for Alex to admit to needing attention. Elise didn’t know anything about Alex, really. But she knew enough. She knew Alex had surgery, and had spent recovery pretty much alone. Elise knew Alex hadn’t bounced back to the way she was. She knew Alex was hurting.

Carefully, Elise moved the bandanna so she could reach the knot in the back and started to untie it. It took longer than it would have a year ago, but that didn’t matter.

Alex felt her heart jump into her throat as Elise fiddled with the bandanna, which had been in place for days by now. She hadn’t seen her own scar in as long, and didn’t want to. Tears welled in her eyes, and Alex did her best to keep them back. She didn’t need Elise thinking anything was any worse than it was.

Once it was loose, Elise slid the fabric from around her friend’s neck.

Now that she was free of it, Elise felt better. And reaching up tenderly, Elise wiped away the tears that were silently falling.

--

It was nine-something at night, and Ryan was on the church property, lurking in his car. He was watching for Alex, though he didn’t know when or if she was even coming. He had tried the doors and they were locked. No cars were parked in the lot. So Ryan had sat in his car and waited.

Like clockwork, a car appeared. It was dark-colored, and a junker but otherwise, Ryan couldn’t make out anything distinctive about it. He knew what Alex’s car looked like, and this wasn’t it. This car seemed like something a grandmother would drive.

Staying out of sight, Ryan observed the passengers. Belle got out first, and went around to the passenger side. Meanwhile, others emerged from the back. He squinted. Elise and Alex. They were headed to the trunk of the car, which Belle had opened.

Awkwardly, they withdrew a wheelchair, and immediately Ryan knew that Josh was the fourth person in the car. Jared had a big-ass van, which he actually drove.

Ryan watched Belle contemplate for a minute, and they said something to one another. Belle leaned in, and then backed off again, seeming unsure. Alex and Elise were struggling to set up the chair. He could see already, that Alex had pinched her fingers unfolding the seat.

Finally, Belle had Josh in her arms, and was still waiting on the girls to finish setting up the chair. Josh was explaining something to them, and they looked confused. Ryan thought about possibly going over to help, but by that time, the chair was unfolded, and Josh was sitting in it.

He watched as Elise walked Alex up the steps to the front of the building, with an arm around her - as if she were unsteady. Ryan wondered what could be wrong. Alex disappeared in church after unlocking the door, and Elise followed. Belle and Josh went around to the side door, which Ryan knew didn’t have any steps to navigate.

Alex opened the door for the two still outside, and that was it.

Ryan sat back in his car, wishing things were different, and that he wasn’t such a coward. He knew that technically, he could go in, and they might be glad he was there. Even if he told them how long he’d been there, and what he had seen. Even if he told them he’d done nothing. But that didn’t matter. Because right at the moment, he couldn’t stand himself.

He needed distance, and time to get himself together before he could face all these people who he knew would accept him regardless of what he had or had not done.

It was cold in the car, and Ryan could see his breath. The heat was off, because the car itself wasn’t running. He didn’t really see the point of keeping it on, if he was just going to sit in one place and contemplate going inside without actually doing anything. He was wearing the winter hat now. It was black. He had on a Columbia jacket. That was black, too. Other than that, all he had to show for himself were blue jeans and a white tee shirt. It was as nondescript as he dared to be - or had ever been.

Leaning forward, Ryan put his head to the steering wheel. He knew they wouldn’t hold it against him. The not acting when he saw a need. But he would know. And he was more brutal to himself than anyone else had ever been. Well, other than his parents anyway.

He hated his weaknesses, and wished he could just be a man, like the countless other men who could live day to day without taking a drink. Men like Rob, or Mikhail. They were dependable. They were men their families could be proud of, and they could look outside themselves.

As more time went by, Ryan began to rethink freezing in his car when the church door was unlocked, just feet from him. And slowly, he got out, and approached the door, hoping they wouldn’t take his presence inside as intrusion.

--

Alex heard the door open behind her, and turned to see Ryan making his way in quietly. She walked over, happy to see him back.

Ryan could swear Alex looked worse every time he saw her. He tried his best not to let it show in his eyes, though. He knew better than to put a woman down, even in thought.

She took his hand, surprising him, and they walked over to where everyone else. Belle immediately stood, and embraced him.

She didn’t speak, and he could tell that the atmosphere in the room was serious. Wordlessly he joined them, sitting in a circle, and was surprised when Elise reached beside her, and put an arm around him. Josh just nodded his direction, his chair somewhere behind him.

“We were actually just going to share a little bit with each other,” Belle told him. “The only thing is, it’s gotta be honest. No fake faces or playing it down.”

He nodded, glad he’d chosen that moment to come in, and feeling sure he wouldn’t speak.

Sitting a little apart from them, Alex felt everyone’s gaze rest on her. “I guess I’ll start then,” she said, her voice hoarse.

“Where are you at?” Belle prompted, in case she needed it.

Alex looked away, drawing closer to Elise but not really ending up by her. “I’m miserable. I’m depressed.” Alex admitted so quietly they had to lean in to catch it. “I feel like I lived my whole life as this unreal person, because I don’t feel like that at all. My parents are fighting all the time…” her voice broke. “And it’s because of me.”

No one comforted her. But neither did they discount the validity of what she said.

“I feel like anything I try to do isn’t right. I tried to take care of myself medically, and I go and end up racking up more debt than my parents know how to deal with…and I know God’s there, but I feel lost and crappy all the time.”

Ryan moved closer to her, wanting to put an arm around her for support, but not knowing if she would accept it. He tried anyway, encouraged by her own bravery. She surprised him by leaning into the embrace, and losing her false grip on control.

She sobbed into his jacket, and Ryan slowly enfolded her in his arms.

“I’ve been pissed off forever now…” Ryan confessed. “Couldn’t believe that I was offered shit by Micah of all people. I hate that they didn’t take me seriously, and that people talk behind my back, and it doesn’t matter if it’s at church or on the street. ‘Cause people still look down on you, and they don’t believe you can change. It sucks.” He paused, hoping Alex wasn’t upset that he was speaking about himself, but she had remained where she was. “My home life was so screwed up that I left at sixteen. Lived on my own for more than five years, drinking and doing shit I shouldn’t do, ‘til a friend of mine drove us home smashed, and didn’t make it.”

All around him, Ryan could hear those sharp intakes of breath, like when you really shock someone, but he couldn’t look up because of the tears that blurred his own vision.

Ryan felt a hand on his back, and instinctively drew himself in, holding his breath. He still hated being touched unexpectedly. It always made him edgy, and sent his heart to his throat. It reminded him of being hit, and screamed at. It always made him remember the scared little boy - the one he’d tried unsuccessfully to drown in bottle after bottle of booze.

It made him glad he wore black tonight. He mourned himself - both parts - user, and child. He wasn’t sure which he was most days, or if he could forge a new person out of so much wreckage.

Besides, just because he could hold someone else, and offer them comfort - it didn’t mean he could receive it.

He heard Elise’s voice.

“His name…” she paused, her voice labored by her own tears. “What was his name?”

Looking down at the frail body he held - still stroking her hair, Ryan spoke.

“His name was Alex.”

--

The silence was so deep afterward, Belle wasn’t sure she wanted to break it. Their Alex had righted herself by then, but made no effort for composure.

Josh made no move to speak, and neither did Elise. Belle knew it was her turn, and hoped that no one could see her hands shaking.

She looked right at Ryan. “I’m still a liar,” she told him plainly. “It’s more of a struggle than I ever wanted to admit to anyone being honest with my feelings. I’m honest with y’all, but with my mother I still fake that I’m okay.”

“How aren’t you okay?” Josh wondered.

Belle shrugged, feeling uncomfortable, but made herself push through it. “I think I still wanna protect her somehow. When they divorced, I was young, but it was hard on her raising me alone. I thought the best thing to do was be happy.” Belle felt ill, knowing she was misleading them, even now, with the lack of information.

“Your mom’s your mom, though. She’s the adult. She doesn’t need protecting,” Ryan offered, “And I don’t mean this at all disrespectfully, but you’re not a child anymore. You know better. Maybe it’s time you start living like you do.”

Belle nodded, surprised that as new as he was, Ryan could still see through her, and tell her what she needed to hear, even though he hadn’t seen her in her days of pretending,

Alex rose to her knees, extending her arms to hug Ryan and Elise on either side of her. Elise reached out to grab hold of Belle, and together, and the four of them made their way over to Josh, who sat quietly, flipping through a Bible that was near him.

Though he would never admit it aloud, Josh had wondered if they would remember that he couldn’t really move without his chair. He had wondered if they would come to him, or just hug each other and leave him forgotten off to the side, and offer a half-hearted apology later, with some lame excuse that he’d heard so often about how they didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable - as if being excluded would have the reverse effect. It had happened in the past, not with this exact situation, but ones like it. People just didn’t know how to include him when he wanted nothing more than to be on the floor with everyone else.

Setting the Bible aside, he embraced his friends, remembering the last scripture he had read, and reciting it. He didn’t know why, but he knew it felt right.

“Treat the foreigner the same as a native. Love him like one of your own. Remember that you were once foreigners…”

--

Somehow, being included in the group hug made Josh feel loved enough that he could share. Though he’d been going to small group with all of them for sometime, he had shared very little about himself. Now, with the solemnity and support around him, Josh felt ready.

“I guess I don’t have anything really groundbreaking to share…” he started. “No big confessions. No realizations. But since the only real requirement is to be honest, I guess I can tell you guys this… Please don’t laugh, though, ‘cause it’s really hard to say.”

“I always knew I was different from other people my age. Now, I know you’re probably thinking physically, and I mean that way, too. But more than that it was obvious to me that I had an older person’s intellect. People laugh when I use big words, because they think it’s cute or funny. But no one would laugh if it was an adult saying that. And that always bothered me. Because I feel I should be given the same consideration. I mean, last time I checked, intelligence was a good thing. Yet I’ve spent most of my childhood feeling ostracized. It’s bad enough being the smart kid in school, but to be the smart kid who’s a prisoner in his own body?” Josh looked down, hurt evident in his eyes, but only if one looked deep enough.

He looked up again, making eye contact with Belle, then Alex, then Elise, and then Ryan in turn. “This is the first time in my entire life that I’ve had friends.” he confided. “I’ve had adults that I talked to, and looked up to, but never peers.”

“I just wanted to say thank you so much for accepting me. And not even as the smart kid, or the kid with a disability. But as Josh. Because that’s a gift I’ve never gotten, but it’s one I’ll always treasure.”

Pulling him close, Elise invited Josh to lean on her, not caring that it meant she had to lean on someone else to keep her own balance. That’s what this was all about anyway.

--

All eyes were on Elise, and she knew she ought to speak, too. Everyone else had taken their turns, after all.

Smiling self-consciously, Elise began, “I don’t speak…well…when there’s, like…an expectation in the air. Or when I know it’s my turn, or something. So bear with me.” she began.

“As you know by now, probably…my mom has come back in my life, and she’s left. We…weren’t on the best terms ever, so it was hard to have her there. It was hard on Robby, and she didn’t respect Kylie…It was just really hard on all of us.”

“Is she coming back?” Josh asked, “Or does she get you don’t want her around?”

“I don’t know…” Elise admitted quietly. “I wish she would come back the way I remember her from when I was little. When she cared where I went, and fixed me up if I got hurt. ‘Cause now she doesn’t do any of that. She wanted to be here for her, not for me or for Robby. She shouldn’t have come for herself. Kylie and Robby have parented me more than my own parents ever did, or got a chance to. I’m glad they did. I just don’t know when…or if…I’m ever gonna come first for my mom.”

“You come first to us…” Josh reassured from her shoulder. “I know it’s probably not the same as having your mom do it, but we’re here. We care about you.”

“Thank you, Josh.” Elise replied, knowing instinctively that he was speaking for all of them. She ran a hand over his buzzed hair, and shivered at the prickly feeling it gave her. “You guys are sweet to me.”

--

It was 11:40 before they started piling back into Belle’s car. Ryan offered to drive, but as Alex lovingly pointed out, he didn’t know where anyone lived, which was probably a good thing to know.

Alex and Belle made sure that Josh and Elise called home to let them know they might be a minute or two late. Elise would definitely be late, but she hoped she wouldn’t be in as much trouble because she called and let Robby know what was happening.

Out by the car, Belle surveyed the spot she would need to maneuver Josh into, trying not to make it look obvious. Lifting him out hadn’t been hard, but lifting him in might prove to be more difficult. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him.

She knew the chair was already stowed in the trunk, and Belle held Josh in her arms, feeling the cold bite into her fingers.

“Here.”

The voice was scratchy, but undeniably compassionate. Though he spoke only one word, the emotion behind it spoke volumes more.

Belle’s eyes met his, and she looked surprised.

In a moment, Josh felt himself being taken into someone else’s arms. He squinted tiredly in the dark.

There was Ryan, almost completely blended into the shadows. Josh didn’t remember even seeing him come over, but he was glad he had.

His grip wasn’t as strong as Rob’s, but it was sure.

“You okay?” he asked in Josh’s ear. “You won’t fall.”

“I know,” Josh returned, confident that he wouldn’t.

Like a pro, Ryan bent low, making sure Josh didn’t hit his head on the way in, and got him in the seat.

And just as quickly, in the blackness, Ryan vanished.

Mercy: Chapter 9

We dance in a circle and suppose, while the secret sits in the middle and knows.
- Robert Frost

It was halfway through the week, and already, Alex felt ready to drop. She dreaded the upcoming holiday with her family. Her dad remained opinionated as ever, and convinced that he was right about everything, and all the women in his household were lacking something important.

She had to force herself to look beyond his shortcomings, and continued spending many evenings in the sanctuary, when she usually would have sought solace in her own room at home. That was no longer an option and now she was relegated to God’s house to spend her quiet time. Truth be told - she preferred it here. In the calm, near darkness of the sanctuary she found peace that was lacking in her own house.

Tonight, Ryan was nowhere to be found, and Alex felt a surge of relief. It was great when he was there, but tonight, Alex needed time to focus on herself.

Alex paced the carpet back and forth. Occasionally she sat, but never for too long. She felt restless, and embraced it. She hadn’t felt restless in a long time.

It was almost beyond her to express how much she wanted this depression to leave her. She assumed it was related to the operation and changes in hormone levels or something. But suspecting its origin didn’t serve Alex. She wanted it gone. Whether or not she would ever be the same crazy girl that all her friends loved didn’t matter. She wanted to be able to look forward to something. She wanted putting together outfits to feel like fun again, instead of exercise in how to fool people.

Eventually, she made her way to a side door, and propped it open with a chair. She knew that technically, having an open door didn’t bring her any closer to God, but it made Him feel more accessible to her. Lying on the floor, Alex prayed, still in her coat - the stupid bandanna still secured around her neck.

She prayed long and hard, letting God know all the pain she had been too lost to speak. The pain of her father’s rejection that went beyond his feelings on her surgery, and encompassed all of her life. Gently, she relinquished her unquenchable desire to be independent, and prove something to her dad. She let God have the control that she had never truly possessed. And eventually, Alex also loosened her grip on the darkness that had become her companion.

Alex sighed, realizing that the only person she could truly change was herself. And though it wouldn’t take place all at once, unless God saw fit to really bless her, Alex knew it was up to her to make changes. Her dad would adjust.

Taking a breath, Alex reached behind her, and untied the red fabric from around her neck - and slowly, she replaced it where it belonged - over her hair.

It was a small, maybe inconsequential step, but Alex knew it was important.

With new resolve, Alex left the church and started home, knowing her parents would still be awake, and knowing she needed to talk to both of them before she lost her nerve.

--

“What are you doing with that? Trying to make a statement?” Alex’s father asked, the minute he saw her hair - much the same as it used to be.

She shook her head. It didn’t escape her that he hadn’t commented on the scar.

“Look, I need to talk to you,” Alex said, sounding more impatient than she meant to.

“What? You need money?” he scoffed.

Alex bristled. “No, I don’t need money. How often do I come to you and Mom for anything?”

“Aside from that little medical expense…” he muttered sarcastically.

She stood her ground. “I should have never changed myself for you. I respect you, but I shouldn’t have changed myself for you. I can’t take back the decision I made about having the surgery, and I wouldn’t do anything differently if I had to do it again. I love you, and I respect you, but I can’t stand our family being like this.”

“Babe, I love you too. But you’re decision making skills aren’t great. You’re not financially independent, and you’re a weak-minded person. The sooner you realize and accept that, the sooner you’ll start livin’ in reality rather than wanting to be something you’re never gonna be.”

Alex shut her eyes, and turned, forcing herself to focus on the fact that he had told her he loved her, and rejecting the rest as a lie. Coming from her father, though, whatever he said had some weight. Against her will, she crawled in bed and pulled the covers over herself and wept.

--

Mikhail arrived at Micah’s well before anyone else. He hadn’t forgotten his promise to talk to Micah about what happened at the party recently.

Never one for undue stress, Micah was relaxing on the couch in front of a basketball game when Mikhail came in.

“Hey. Come watch. It’s a good game.” Micah invited.

Mikhail shook his head seriously. “No time for that now. I need to talk to you. Is important that I talk to you.”

Sitting up, Micah turned off the television and waited. Mikhail was rarely so solemn.

“What’s up?” he asked.

“Kylie tell me something that shouldn’t happen,” Mikhail began.

Micah’s brow furrowed. “And it has to do with me? Are you sure?”

“This party you have here. You have Ryan come to a place with drinking. And you offer him something he shouldn’t have,” Mikhail’s eyes showed disapproval and disappointment plainly.

“Yeah, that probably wasn’t the smartest move…” Micah acknowledged.

Mikhail shook his head. “You make him stumble when he should feel safe.”

Micah sighed. “I know…and I didn’t even think about it. That was really messed up.”

“You’re gonna make it right?” Mikhail challenged.

“I’ll apologize. Don’t know how much good it’ll do, though. He probably hates me for it.”

“You apologize. You mean what you tell him.” Mikhail insisted.

Micah nodded, as the door opened, and the first few people arrived for their group.

--

As it happened, Ryan also came planning to make things right in his own way. He hadn’t wanted to show up, but he had anyway, knowing how important it was to assert himself about where he stood with alcohol.

Before anything could begin , Ryan asked to speak. He addressed the whole group, knowing that even the younger kids were old enough to hear what he had to say.

“I need to say something to everybody,” he started, standing up. “Maybe I should have made it clearer to you guys about my position right now. I’m an alcoholic. I’m in recovery, but I’m still an alcoholic. It’s something I’m gonna struggle with for the rest of my life. And especially right now, I’m new to sobriety, and it’s difficult for me to turn down a drink if it’s offered.” He looked at the adult party-goers as he spoke, wanting them to get the message.

“Look, we’re sorry about the other night,” Gabe apologized, keeping it vague on purpose for the younger kids. “We won’t invite you next time. But you should also know that’s not something we do all the time, and we weren’t smart about it. You need to know that people around you aren’t going to change for you; you have to change for you.”

Ryan felt his jaw tighten. Why they were still minimizing this was beyond him? “I wasn’t counting on dealing with it in this type of situation,” he managed.

“Well, like we said,” Micah reiterated, having felt his own apology die on his lips as soon as Gabe spoke. “It’s not something we do all the time, or even frequently. We won’t invite you next time.”

“When did you start drinking?” Josh asked cautiously. He could see this conversation was a hard one for Ryan to have, and didn’t want to make it worse.

Ryan turned, almost forgetting that anyone else was in the room besides himself and Gabe and Micah. He saw Josh. He heard the question. He wished he didn’t feel compelled to answer it; to share his story.

“When I was about as old as you,” Ryan admitted, his voice soft and full of regret.

“Why?” Josh asked, concentrating seriously on Ryan, and everything he said.

Ryan shrugged. He’d opened up the biggest can of worms by answering that first question. Now, he was screwed.

“To forget.” he managed.

“My life was rough growing up. My mom drank and my dad couldn’t cope with her drinking and he started hitting me. We never had money. My dad would make it and my mom would spend it. Either on stuff we didn’t need, or on booze. She gave me my first drink. My dad gave me my first reason to get drunk. I drank socially for the first time when I was fourteen, and two years later I was an alcoholic and a user, and I’d left home after getting beaten bloody because my mom used his paycheck again.”

Josh exhaled, then, sort of wishing he hadn’t asked. And the people who needed to speak, said nothing, feeling like they were justified, or that they had played no part in it, and didn’t need to apologize.

--

Elise felt terror rise suddenly in her. She never knew it was possible to feel it this much, especially being away from her mom’s house. But hearing Ryan tell his own story had struck such sympathy and fear in her that she was left speechless, and desperate.

Tears ran down her face. They weren’t the kind that Elise could just work with, or ignore. She was afraid. The image of Ryan being beaten bloody brought a flashback so horrific, Elise understood why it hadn’t come up, in the year since the attack.

One minute, she was hearing his words, and the next she was back in the basement, having been pushed brutally from behind, and cracking her head on the cement floor below. The next pieces of memory were disjointed. She saw the bat. She saw him swing it. She felt the pain. Just like most times - but this time, another piece had surfaced.

This time, she could recall being alone on the floor of the basement. She had regained consciousness very briefly, and looked to the side long enough to see the enormous collection of blood next to her head. When she felt herself losing consciousness again, Elise felt sure that she was going to die.

Slowly, Rob moved from behind to grab hold of his sister. He knew she was beyond anything rational - that this was basically a nightmare, only this time she was wide awake. Normally, he wouldn’t make any move for her, but this was an unfamiliar house, and he didn’t want her panicking suddenly and hurting herself.

Simultaneously, Rob saw Belle making her way to Elise. She was on all fours, knowing instinctively that she didn’t want to look too imposing.

Rob got to Elise first, and wrapped his arms around her. He held her in his strong grip.

She was beyond control. She felt crazy, and anxious and panicked and threatened. And even though she knew Robby was hugging her, it didn’t matter. Tears came, and sobs choked her - the unspoken words of her newfound memory remaining trapped in her like poison.

Though it was painful beyond words, Rob stayed with his sister, ignoring the voice that urged him to take her elsewhere. He knew that wasn’t possible. He knew they were stuck. And he knew that everyone in that room would be forced to witness this.

Sometime after that, Belle joined him, and from either side of Elise, they offered comfort.

Kylie rose and waited a decent distance away, in case they needed anything, or Elise got her voice back and wanted anything. She wasn’t much good at sitting in a crisis - and was much more likely to spring into action if any need came up.

Around the rest of the room, Julia and Micah stood to leave, but Mikhail stopped each of them with a look, and a gesture that clearly meant that they were to stay put.

“Lisey it’s Robby. It’s gonna be okay.” He spoke so softly that not even Belle could hear what he said. Elise could, he suspected, but it didn’t matter then.

Belle’s words were much the same, though she varied her voice quite a bit, hoping that Elise might be coaxed out of her current state if she heard something nice.

Still, nothing helped, and Elise remained curled into herself - knees drawn up, arms around her head protectively. The image of herself bleeding on the basement floor, far from help was etched in her mind, and every time she started to forget it, it was there again.

Around the room, everyone coped differently. Gabe hid his face, still unable to watch someone in pain. Andrew was a mess, and took the funny looks from everyone around him like a man. He wept, and wished his own heartache was farther from him. Josh looked perpetually startled, having not anticipated such a strong reaction from anybody from his question, and Ryan was beside himself, though no one could guess it, as he sat in a deceptive calm. Voices whispered to one another. And still, the same people tried to rise and leave.

Eventually, Missy moved to block the exit, after having several minutes of silent conversation with Kylie from across the room. And even with Missy so obviously stopping any outflow of human traffic, people still tried to get by her. But she stood there, determined that they would all see this, and not shy away from it. They would realize what this girl dealt with, no matter how hard it was to watch.

“Can you hear me?” Rob asked, from Elise’s side. He spoke gently into her ear.

Elise nodded, but gave no other clues that she was close to emerging from this. Her clothes were rumpled and her hair was a mess. Tear tracks were fresh on her face; her posture was still hunched low.

“Hey, honey,” Belle greeted quietly, rubbing Elise‘s back. Her voice, remarkably, still held a little cheer.

Unexpectedly, Elise leaned into Rob, and buried her face in his shoulder, wishing she was invisible, and that she hadn’t just lost it in front of a whole room full of people. She still wasn’t even close to composed, but she could move, which was better than nothing.

“I’m sorry…” Rob apologized helplessly, holding Elise, and not knowing what else he could say.

Mikhail gave people the evil eye, making sure they all stayed seated and didn’t try to leave. One of their own was hurt. They couldn’t deny it anymore.

Almost as inexplicably as it started, it stopped. With enough time, the terror and the badness passed, and Elise just sat sandwiched between her brother and her best friend, knowing that she was okay, even though she didn’t feel it yet.

She leaned heavily on Robby, knowing he didn’t mind and kept one of Belle’s hands clasped tightly in her own.

“Do you wanna leave?” Rob asked quietly in her ear.

Elise shook her head. Even though she did want to go, she knew there was no way she could leave just then without being carried.

Wordlessly, Mikhail got up from his chair - the first person to move in several minutes. He came to Elise with a box of tissues in his hand and squatted down in front of her, offering the box.

Ignoring it, Elise leaned forward, and fell against him - needing more than anything, in that moment to feel the arms of a father around her. Rob instinctively let her go, and Belle moved away.

Elise felt herself falling apart again, but she knew this time it was from relief. Mikhail was still, holding onto her, and not speaking - praying over her in Russian silently that her pain be lifted, and that she could feel the love of the Lord in this time, though He might seem far away.

For several minutes it was this way. Neither of them moved. Mikhail didn’t even shift his large frame into a more comfortable position, though his knees begged for it.

Instead, he just held this little girl, who was not so much younger, but always struck him as having been hurt somehow - though he didn’t know details. He held her, and thought of his own daughter at home - hoping to God that she never, ever hurt like this. He knew that though Elise didn’t have parents taking care of her at home, she was someone’s child.

When Elise pulled away and simply nodded her thanks, he understood, and offered her the box of tissues again.

“Thank you…” she managed. Through tearful eyes she surveyed the room, surprised to see everyone still there, and looking at her expectantly.

Mikhail stood, and returned to where he’d been, while Elise took Robby and Belle’s hands, feeling like God would help her speak - and like He wanted her to speak.

Elise waited another minute, to collect herself emotionally, but not worrying about what to say.

She saw Ryan’s face. He looked stricken.

Taking a breath, and squeezing the hands she held, Elise began, without a clue about what would come out of her mouth.

“My situation and Ryan’s are kind of similar,” Elise started, surprised at how gentle and relaxed her voice sounded. “That’s why I panicked a little bit. It wasn’t you,” she offered, looking to Ryan and hoping he took her seriously.

“Some of you know what happened to me and some of you…still don’t,” Elise continued, squeezing Robby’s hand - knowing that he was one of the people in the room who was clueless.

“Like Ryan, and probably some of the rest of you, I got hit, too. Years after my dad died, my mom met a guy, and she liked him, and they moved in together.” She paused. “At first he was nice to me, and he really loved my mom. But as time went by, and they got closer, he started losing his temper more and more with me. He would hit me.”

Elise looked at the carpet. “Every time my brother would visit from college, I would make excuses for the bruises I had, and for a while that’s all it was. Until it started getting more stressful around home. This guy really wanted them to be together without me to interfere. I guess he really thought he could get me to leave. He’d been asking me all along and whenever I said no, he’d do something to hurt me. This one night, he had me get out of bed…”

She felt Belle squeeze her hand supportively. She knew what was coming, and Robby could guess at it.

“…He had me go downstairs to our basement. He told me to. It was the middle of the night, and I was tired. When I got to the top of the stairs, I stopped for a second, because I didn’t know what he could want with me downstairs in the middle of the night. And…I think because I hesitated…he pushed me. I fell down all the stairs and hit my head at the bottom, on the floor. I was in a lot of pain, and I looked, and saw he had a baseball bat behind him the whole time. It happened so fast I couldn’t move out of the way.” Elise took a breath, making a decision. “And that’s all I feel comfortable saying. It was just hard to hear what Ryan said and it made me remember things that I wish I didn’t have to.”

For the first time, Elise brought her gaze up from the carpet and looked at Robby. He sat still, his head bent, and tears fell slowly down his cheeks.

Putting an arm around him, Elise apologized. “I’m sorry. I know it’s hard for you to hear. Are you mad at me?” she asked, though she didn’t sound worried.

He shook his head, knowing she could never guess at how he was feeling at that moment. But he hoped he could tell her, though, because this was just about the bravest thing anyone could have done, especially given what she had just been through.

Leaning towards her, Rob whispered in her ear, “You’re a brave girl. I’m proud of you.”

--

Slowly, order was restored to the group - though it wasn’t the same kind of order, and Elise and Rob were getting more hugs than either of them could ever remember getting since they’d first come before Thanksgiving.

In the midst of all the chaos of hugging and shifting seats, Ryan managed to leave, and others finally moved past the open doorway, which Missy had finally vacated, to get snacks and visit.

Most of them, though, stayed where they were, watching Mikhail for a cue about what they were doing now. Any plans for that night had evaporated the minute Ryan stood up and started sharing.

“How’s the situation with your mom now?” Belle asked quietly.

“It still needs to be worked out,” Rob managed. “So, you know, if you guys wanna pray about that, that’d be cool. Not right now or anything. Just if you wanted to, like, this week or something.”

Missy nodded. “I think praying is a good idea. Anybody want prayer for anything?”

For a few seconds no one spoke. Then, Gabe got to his feet and walked across the room to Alex and took her by the hands, pulling her to her feet gently.

The two had barely spoken since their friendship had begun to breakdown the month before due to Gabe’s lack of follow through. It had never gotten back to the way it was, and Gabe regretted that every single day. Especially seeing how much Alex was struggling now.

She was still dressing down, not even close to the bubbly cheerful girl he had known. Now, Alex perpetually looked lost and grieved, even on the rare days when she smiled.

Gently, Gabe led Alex to the center of their circle, to the chair which Kylie had surrendered and placed in the middle - as the hot seat.

They hadn’t talked in a long time, and Gabe knew there was stuff going on, even if she didn’t share it with him anymore - and though there was almost no communication between them, Gabe still felt it was necessary to do this for Alex.

Immediately the remaining people - everyone but Micah, Julia and Ryan - enclosed around her and started praying. Alex didn’t say anything. Though she saw Andrew close by her, and felt like he had more reason to be in the hot seat than she did - even though he hadn’t spoken either.

They prayed for her for a while, each one offering up something on her behalf - silent or spoken. She was grateful, but didn’t feel particularly moved by the words. Not until Chris spoke.

“Lord, I know how it is to live under depression. I know how it can steal your hope and make you believe there’s nothin’ to hang on for. God, I ask that You would lift this depression and restore our friend to us, the way You’re restoring me. I know You can do it, so right now, I ask You to start. Whatever’s going on with Alex, I ask that You’d shift her perspective on it, and make it bearable. Let her know that she is loved, and we’re here for her, no matter what, just like You are.”

--

That night, Rob let Elise ride home with Belle. Andrew offered to drop Josh off, so Belle and Elise could talk. Kylie and Rob went home together, probably wanting an opportunity to talk, too, without interruption.

“So, are you okay?” Belle asked, looking shocked, still, that Elise had been so vulnerable in front of all of them.

Elise nodded. “I mean, I sort of wish I didn’t cry in front of everybody, but other than that, it was okay. I really feel like I needed to tell them about what happened. Like not all of them get it.”

“Julia,” Belle supplied.

“Yeah,” Elise returned. “I don’t know if she gets it now, even, but I’m still glad I let them know about it. It’s hard to carry that around.”

“Hey, can I borrow your phone for a second?” Elise wondered, knowing what she was about to do was technically something she should avoid, but right now that didn’t matter.

Belle dug around in her purse for a second, before pulling it out and handing it to Elise.

Elise took a breath, and from memory, dialed her mom’s phone number.

--

“Mom?” Elise asked, hearing the familiar voice answer.

“Elise, honey, I hoped you would call! I’ve missed you so much! Your brother’s not there, is he? I don’t think he’d like us talking…but I’m so glad you called.”

In a matter of seconds, Elise could tell her mom sounded stressed and lonely. For the briefest of seconds, she wished they were together, so Elise could give her a hug, and tell her it was going to be okay.

“Mom, I have to tell you something.” Elise explained, forging ahead.

“Honey, anything. What is it? Do you want to come home? I can be there in under an hour.”

Elise closed her eyes. “Mom, no. Listen to me.”

Finally, the other end of the call was silent.

“I love you and I miss you, but I can’t go home with you. I never planned to live with Robby, and I didn’t want to go at first, but that’s home now. I’m sorry you’re not happy with yourself or your life right now, but I can’t fix that for you.”

From behind the steering wheel, Belle raised her eyebrows. Because the volume on her phone was so high, she could easily hear both ends of the call, and knew that Robby would be incredibly upset if he knew what Elise was up to. She was shocked at this woman’s level of selfishness, even now. Belle clenched the wheel and tried to keep her focus on the road.

“Well, I know that,” Elise’s mom answered, as if what her daughter said was preposterous. “I never meant that you should come back and live with me, I just wanted us to be a family for the holidays.”

Elise closed her eyes. “That can’t happen, either, Mom.”

“What do you mean it can’t happen? It can happen easily, if your brother would just lighten up,” she protested.

“This has nothing to do with Robby. I can’t be around you. Maybe someday, when I’m an adult, we can talk. But for now, I’m saying no. No Christmas. No other holidays. No other times when you feel lonely. I love you, but I can’t have you in my life right now.” Elise explained trying with everything in her to convey the seriousness with which she felt every word.

There was silence.

“Mom? Are you still there?” Elise wondered.

“I’m here,” her voice acknowledged, though she sounded defeated.

“Did you hear me?” Elise pressed.

There was a pause. “Yes. I guess I just had to hear it from you.”

“I need to go, Mom.” Elise said, though part of her wished she didn’t have to.

“All right, honey. I love you. Tell Robby I love him, if you can.”

Elise hung up, not able to say goodbye, and knowing that she wouldn’t be passing on their mother’s phone message to Robby - at least not anytime soon. And it occurred to her, belatedly, that in the space of that entire conversation, her mom hadn’t apologized for anything.

“Elise,” Belle began, once her phone was back in her purse. “Your brother’s gonna kill me.”

“I had to do that.”

“And after the night you both had…and I can‘t believe her!” Belle continued, trying to keep her car aligned on the icy road.

“It was fine, and I had to do it. Now, she’ll leave us alone.” Elise explained matter-of-factly.

“She better.” Belle warned. “And she’d better let your brother know.”

“She will,” Elise assured her, though she wasn’t entirely convinced it would happen.

“Anyway, are you gonna be all right tonight?” Belle wondered, her voice softening, as she thought of all the stress her friend had been under the majority of the night.

Elise nodded. “I think I will. And if not, I know I’ll be taken care of.”

Belle smiled, feeling glad that Elise was more confident now, though she had no idea where this transformation had come from.

“Will you keep in touch over break, or do you have to go out of town?” Elise asked suddenly.

“Nope, I’ll be here. Though Gabe did invite me to Georgia with him,” Belle teased.

“He did not!” Elise exclaimed.

“Did, too,” Belle insisted. “But I turned him down. I wouldn’t have taken him up on it anyway.”

“I would have!” Elise shot back. “For a road trip to Georgia? Come on,” she laughed.

“I’ll be around,” Belle reiterated, pulling into the parking lot in front of the apartment. “So stay in touch, and we can do something over break, maybe.”

“Okay. And Belle? Thank you.”