Mercy: Chapter 10

Time does not change us. It just unfolds us.
- Max Frisch

Belle sat in her car, eagerly awaiting the right time to ambush her friends. It was Christmas break - holiday break - as school called it now. She supposed it was only fair to kids of different religions. Belle could imagine how stifling it would be to be forced to acknowledge someone else’s holiday while yours went largely ignored.

It was only the first Tuesday night of the long vacation. But Belle felt sure that she had waited long enough - allowing each of her friends the family time they needed before intruding and spiriting them all off to an evening of fun and ice cream. She stopped by Josh’s first, feeling certain that she could squeeze Alex, Elise and Andrew in her tiny back seat. Though having Josh back there would technically make the most sense, because he was the tiniest, she knew it wasn’t at all fair to him, and regretted even having the thought.

Luckily, he was at home. He’d gotten to spend the last few days with Katerina, who was home from college, and was happy to go with Belle on her adventure.

As it turned out, Katerina and Josh were the only ones home, so Belle got to meet the sister she had heard so much about. She was petite, like her brother, and also smart. She was going to school for nursing, and Belle was impressed and observant watching the way Katerina handled Josh.

“Do you have a curfew?” Belle asked, knowing that even she had to answer to her mother, regardless of whether it was a vacation, weekend, or school night.

He shook his head smirking. “Nope.”

“What time do you want him home by?” Belle called out the window, laughing as Josh’s smirk dissolved into a scowl.

“When do you think you’ll be done?” she asked, sticking her head in the car.

Belle considered. “Maybe midnight?”

Katerina grinned. “That’s fine. You’ll be with a group, though?”

“Yeah, there’ll be, like, five of us. Josh’s just my first stop. It’s kind of spur of the moment.” Belle confided.

“Okay. Josh, call me if you’ll be later.”

--

As much as Belle relished in being spontaneous and stealing her friends for a night on the town, she figured it would be best to call Elise’s. She knew there had been some issues with her mother resurfacing, and wanted to be sure it would be okay to take her out, and keep her somewhat late.

She got on the phone, while pulling away from Josh’s and heading to pick up Andrew and Alex.

“Hi, Robby, it’s Belle. Is Elise handy?” Belle looked at Josh, swatting his hand away as he moved to change the station on the radio.

A minute later, Elise picked up. Belle smiled, hearing how quickly she found her voice and said hello.

“Hey you. It’s Belle. Listen, I wonder if I can come over and pick you up in a few minutes?”

“Um…for what?” Elise asked, playing with the cord on the telephone. She wasn’t sure she wanted to go out tonight. She didn’t want to leave Robby and Kylie to deal with her mother alone.

Elise heard the Christmas music playing on the radio in the background. The festive mood felt fake and forced. Robby was wearing an ugly green sweater, and Kylie wore something red, which, of course, looked great on her, but still. It was as if nobody had informed them that the day they were reaching for was still a little ways away. She wouldn’t admit that deep down, she dreaded the holiday just as much as her brother. With Kylie heading home to Chicago in a few hours, and their mom in town, it would be far from the joyous first Christmas with her brother Elise had imagined. She would take any excuse she could to get out of the apartment.

“Ice cream. Josh, Alex and Andrew are coming, too.” Belle explained.

“Elise, you gotta come!” Josh called. “It’s the best place and you can make your own flavor,” he bribed, hoping he sounded convincing.

Laughing out loud for the first time in days, Elise agreed. “Okay. You wanna ask Robby if it’s okay” Elise wondered.

“No, you can do it,” Belle told her, sounding sure.

Hesitating, Elise took a step, so she could see into the kitchen where Robby and Kylie were making cider and Chex Mix. “Hey Robby?”

“What’s up?” he asked, trying not to let the strain of the last few days show on his face.

“Can I go with Belle? To get ice cream?”

“Where are you gonna be?”

“Where are we going?” Elise wondered.

“Downtown,” Belle answered, dancing around to an especially fun part of a song that was just playing.

“Downtown,” Elise echoed, relaying the message to her brother and Kylie.

Rob looked at Kylie. Kylie looked back. They seemed to be having one of those adult conversations without any words. The exact type her parents had, when Elise had been in kindergarten, and asked to ride her bike around the corner to play with her friend, Raquel.

“Belle,” Elise whispered conspiratorially, “They’re looking at each other.”

“She says they’re looking at each other,” Belle passed on to Josh, who looked comical in his panic.

“Elise!” he hollered obnoxiously again. “Tell ‘em you’ll be with a group!”

“You guys, I’ll be with a group,” Elise tried. She felt a little thrill inside, and tried to keep her giddy smile in check. This felt so normal.

“Alex is going, too,” Belle reminded.

“Alex is going. She’s an adult. Can’t I go?” Elise stopped herself, knowing she was close to whining.

“What time will you be home?” Rob asked, deciding not to impose anything, and see what happened.

Belle heard his question. “Ask him if midnight’s okay.”

“Midnight.” Elise relayed.

“All right, but you’d better be in this door at 12:00. Call me if you’re gonna be later or if your plans change.”

--

Belle hung up with Elise soon after. By then, Andrew was in the back seat and he and Josh were in a heated discussion about hobbits and elves. She didn’t admit to either of them that she didn’t have the slightest clue what a hobbit was, and that the only elves she was aware of were the kind that helped Santa get ready for Christmas.

She shut her eyes briefly, praying that Alex would want to come. She had prepared herself mentally, in case Alex didn’t want to go. That is, she was prepared to drag her kicking and screaming, if necessary.

Belle felt sad, knowing there was more going on with Alex than she was saying, and knowing that thus far, no one had gone to any lengths at all to figure out what her trouble was. They were so used to Alex being the life of the party. When she stopped, there wasn’t a big fuss, there were just other parties, and Alex either didn’t go, or stayed so quiet, someone might forget she was there at all.

Alex had been all but nonexistent at social stuff recently. She came, but she wasn’t ever into it, and she was never herself. The girl who had once prided herself, by having a lot of “junk in her trunk”, now had almost no backside to speak of - and only ate when she was forced.

Pulling into the driveway, Belle got out, leaving the boys in the car, still all into whatever the heck they were talking about and walked up to the house. It was a little before seven, but dark already. The house was also dark, but Alex’s car was parked outside.

Belle knocked on the door. And when that didn’t work, she rang the bell.

Minutes later, a sleepy Alex answered.

She was in pajamas, or really old sweats - either way she wasn’t really dressed to go out. And she had a navy bandanna tied around her neck. Belle got a sinking feeling when she saw it, knowing what she was covering up, and knowing that around friends, she never had it on. Wordlessly, she took Alex’s hand, and walked her out to the car, after making sure she had a coat, shoes, and Gabe‘s church key on her.

“Hey, Alex,” Andrew greeted quietly from the backseat. “Answer us something.” he challenged, noting that the same depression that clung to his mom these days, was also thick around his friend. “Who do you think would win in a battle? An elf or a hobbit?”

She didn’t know where they were headed, nor did she really care. Anywhere had to be better than where she’d been. No one in her family knew she’d spent from Sunday after church ‘til just now in bed. They were too busy fighting over bills and money, over what her father deemed “unnecessary expenses.” Ones she knew she incurred. She wondered what he would rather she had done? Leave the thing in there and pray for it to be nothing? She wasn’t that kind of girl. Had it been anything else, he would have been encouraging her to take care of it herself, get rid of it, be an adult. But now, it was different. All the sudden she wasn’t strong, and an adult for taking care of something potentially dangerous all but alone - she was irresponsible. And now she wasn’t even pretty anymore.

“…Say elf,” Josh whispered from the front seat. “It’s elf, no contest.”

Alex glanced out the window. “Neither,” she spoke softly. “An elf and a hobbit wouldn’t fight each other.”

--

It took several more minutes for Belle’s carload to arrive at their destination.

Once there, Andrew got Josh from the car to his chair, and walked beside Josh as he pushed himself toward the door. Normally, Andrew knew, Josh would have been talking his ear off about all the fallibilities of not only Andrew’s elf-hobbit answer, but also, as Alex had pointed out - the question in itself. Instead, though, he was silent, and concentrating, which made Andrew aware he struggled, even though he probably didn’t want anybody knowing that.

Though they arrived inside well behind everyone else, Belle was still waiting with Alex and Elise just inside the doors.

“Hey, you didn’t have to wait,” Josh apologized.

Belle shook her head, dismissively. “It’s no problem.”

Since she looked like it really wasn’t, Josh let the matter drop.

The five of them approached the counter in the front, and Alex blinked against the fluorescent lights. She didn’t know what she was even doing here - she knew she was there for ice cream, obviously, but she hardly remembered Belle coming to the door. It didn’t help either, that most food had lost its appeal to her. The thought of eating her own personally created flavor would have at one time, required a lot of exclaiming and possibly a dance expressing what joy and anticipation her words could not. But now the thought of making something seemed like a tremendous amount of work, and right now she was just too tired.

Alex felt a hand on her arm and turned.
Elise was standing just behind her, eyes wide. “I didn’t realize there would be so much here,” she told Alex softly, taking in all the flavors on various boards on the walls.

“I know the feeling.” Alex returned, forcing a smile.

“Do you think you could help me? There’s too much to look at, and I don’t know what to get.” Elise bit her lip, hoping someone could help her. She knew one thing for sure. She wasn’t coming into a place like this and just getting vanilla.

“Belle’s been here a hundred times. She’ll know what’s good.” Alex told her, stepping up to the counter and placing her own order. When she had it in her hand, she turned and walked over to one of the small tables and sat down, stirring it.

Belle stared at Alex’s small white dish of vanilla ice cream. It looked so pathetic and bland that she followed her to the table, took the ice cream from Alex and walked it back up to the counter, asking for some sprinkles to perk it up.

Josh ordered the a crazy combination of peanut butter and chocolate ice cream, and asked for some candy bar pieces to be added. He then surveyed the flavors again, and asked them to add a scoop of the one that had mocha chips included.

He happily handed his dish to Andrew and made his way to a table right by the girls. Elise was sitting there with Alex. Elise had several scoops of green ice cream with little brown specks in her dish. The whole concoction was covered in chocolate syrup.

Belle and Andrew simultaneously walked back with the same cotton candy flavored scoop on the bottom of their cone, and chocolate chip cookie dough on top. They were sitting down before they noticed they had ordered the same thing, and for the first time Belle could recall, Andrew looked her way and smiled.

“So…” Josh began, glancing across the tiny table at Andrew, “What kind of disgusting flavor is that?” He dug his spoon into his own ice cream, crunching away on a large bite.

Andrew stared back at Josh, deadpan in his expression. “You should talk. How much sugar and caffeine is in that?”

“Not nearly enough,” Josh decided, securing another huge scoop on his spoon and devouring it.

Beside them, Elise had gotten a spoonful of chocolate syrup, and was drizzling it overtop her mint chocolate chip again.

“Hey, Alex, here.” Belle invited, holding her cone out.

“No, thanks…” Alex waved it away.

“Come on…” Belle encouraged.

Alex remained unmoved, so Belle moved onto Elise. “You wanna try some?” she offered the cone across the table.

Elise shook her head, slurping the wet mess she’d made of her ice cream. It looked light brown and chunky, but still tasted like mint.

Josh looked over at the girls again, noticing Alex stirring her vanilla around and around.

“So,” he started conversationally. “How are your sprinkles?” The question was put sweetly enough, but the message in his eyes was clear:

Eat. And eat a lot.

Andrew wanted to kick Josh under the table, but he held back. Had anyone noticed Andrew’s own lack of interest in food? Not yet. Did Josh know the first thing about how difficult it was to eat when your mind was consumed with something else? Did they even know she was depressed? Did they know his mom was? Did they care?

Getting up from the table, he headed for the restroom, casually tossing his ice cream in the trash on the way by.

Elise could tell from pretty early on that Andrew wasn’t in the best of moods. And the way he got up and trashed his ice cream, and looked all bitter, just gave him away even more. She wasn’t really sure what was wrong, but she knew it wasn’t even close to how fun it could be, with Andrew not joining in.

So, while he was in the bathroom, Elise set to work, collecting scrunchies from the Belle and Alex, and removing the one from her own hair. She asked Belle to borrow her brush, and then waited patiently for Andrew to come out.

When he did, she was ready.

“Hey, Andrew, come here,” she called, standing behind his chair.

Automatically, he slowed his usual pace to something more methodical, not knowing what Elise had up her sleeve. He noticed distractedly, that all the girls looked different somehow.

Elise looked so eager, though, that Andrew couldn’t help feeling some of his bitterness go away, as he obediently took his chair back.

“What are we doing?” he wondered, feeling perplexed. He felt her hand in his hair, gathering up a chunk and then securing it with something elastic.

Josh guffawed. “Dude… We are not doing anything. You are being turned into a pretty princess.”

Elise smirked at Josh from over Andrew’s head. “I’ve been…practicing my technique. And if you had more hair, I’d do you next,” she warned.

She went gentle at the sides of Andrew’s head, knowing how bad pigtails hurt, but feeling sure that the benefit of laughter outweighed a little bit of pain.

When she was done, he looked appropriately ridiculous, with one small collection of his red hair standing straight up at the top of his head, and a pigtail on either side. Elise was pleased.

Andrew grabbed Belle’s compact from her, and tried to get a good view of his whole head.

“Elise…” he said slowly.

She was quiet beside him, losing her voice a moment, but not really knowing if his comment was meant to have a response anyway. She smiled at him, hoping he would see the humor in what she’d done.

Andrew shook his head slightly, feeling his heart warm at her kind attempts to make him happy. They didn’t succeed as well as she would have wanted, but at least now he could smile. Even Alex was snickering at him, and Josh had tears rolling down his face from giggling so hard and long. Belle’s face remained serious, which was a joke in itself, and he let the smile he’d been feeling inside finally show itself.

“I look so pretty.“ Andrew spoke softly, as if shocked by his own beauty.

Elise nodded, fighting back the laugh that wanted to come, but Josh’s giggling was so hilarious that she couldn’t help herself. That boy had a whole body laugh, and by now was vibrating with silent chuckles, as his eyes watered, and he tried in vain for composure.

Soon all of them were a mess, hardly able to keep their glee at an acceptably quiet level.

And when Elise felt Andrew embrace her gently from behind, she felt proud, knowing she’d helped him in the way he had always helped her.

When nothing was funny, she gave him a reason to laugh.

--

It was Alex who suggested hot chocolate. So they piled back into Belle’s car, and made their way to the favorite little café in that area, which served holiday beverages, as well as coffee, cider, tea and hot chocolate.

It was the perfect transition. Andrew took out his ponytails and returned the hair elastics to their rightful owners - though he did order his beverage beforehand, even causing the severe looking woman behind the counter to crack a smile.

They sat with each other, some in big comfortable chairs, and others on regular wooden ones. Josh pulled up to a table.

Belle asked how they felt about stopping by church for a while, and Andrew told her he needed to get going home soon. Elise, Josh and Alex agreed, and Belle let Josh and Elise borrow her phone to call their houses and let their siblings know where they’d be for the remainder of the night.

Closing time was approaching, and again, the five of them returned to Belle’s car - an old but dependable maroon Datsun that Andrew made fun of mercilessly, and headed toward home to drop him off.

The ride to church after that was eerily silent - all of them full, and digesting.

In the back, Alex crept across the middle of the seat where Andrew had been, and put her head in Elise’s lap, knowing Elise wouldn’t say anything, and that she wouldn’t mind. It had been so long since Alex felt safe and accepted anywhere. But she knew Elise was well-acquainted with that feeling.

Alex felt gross and ashamed in her sweats. For a brief moment, Alex wished she had worn something different - one of her famous logo-bearing tee shirts. But in the same moment, Alex knew she would much rather feel shameful than be a poser.

Elise accepted Alex the same way she always had - with a strangely maternal instinct she couldn’t quite explain.

For some reason - one Elise still wasn’t sure she totally understood - Alex felt safe with her. And more than that, she felt safe to be vulnerable around her, which, Elise guessed, was something she probably didn’t do a whole lot anymore.

She let Alex rest her head on Elise’s lap, and played with her hair gently, knowing instinctively that this was hard for Alex to admit to needing attention. Elise didn’t know anything about Alex, really. But she knew enough. She knew Alex had surgery, and had spent recovery pretty much alone. Elise knew Alex hadn’t bounced back to the way she was. She knew Alex was hurting.

Carefully, Elise moved the bandanna so she could reach the knot in the back and started to untie it. It took longer than it would have a year ago, but that didn’t matter.

Alex felt her heart jump into her throat as Elise fiddled with the bandanna, which had been in place for days by now. She hadn’t seen her own scar in as long, and didn’t want to. Tears welled in her eyes, and Alex did her best to keep them back. She didn’t need Elise thinking anything was any worse than it was.

Once it was loose, Elise slid the fabric from around her friend’s neck.

Now that she was free of it, Elise felt better. And reaching up tenderly, Elise wiped away the tears that were silently falling.

--

It was nine-something at night, and Ryan was on the church property, lurking in his car. He was watching for Alex, though he didn’t know when or if she was even coming. He had tried the doors and they were locked. No cars were parked in the lot. So Ryan had sat in his car and waited.

Like clockwork, a car appeared. It was dark-colored, and a junker but otherwise, Ryan couldn’t make out anything distinctive about it. He knew what Alex’s car looked like, and this wasn’t it. This car seemed like something a grandmother would drive.

Staying out of sight, Ryan observed the passengers. Belle got out first, and went around to the passenger side. Meanwhile, others emerged from the back. He squinted. Elise and Alex. They were headed to the trunk of the car, which Belle had opened.

Awkwardly, they withdrew a wheelchair, and immediately Ryan knew that Josh was the fourth person in the car. Jared had a big-ass van, which he actually drove.

Ryan watched Belle contemplate for a minute, and they said something to one another. Belle leaned in, and then backed off again, seeming unsure. Alex and Elise were struggling to set up the chair. He could see already, that Alex had pinched her fingers unfolding the seat.

Finally, Belle had Josh in her arms, and was still waiting on the girls to finish setting up the chair. Josh was explaining something to them, and they looked confused. Ryan thought about possibly going over to help, but by that time, the chair was unfolded, and Josh was sitting in it.

He watched as Elise walked Alex up the steps to the front of the building, with an arm around her - as if she were unsteady. Ryan wondered what could be wrong. Alex disappeared in church after unlocking the door, and Elise followed. Belle and Josh went around to the side door, which Ryan knew didn’t have any steps to navigate.

Alex opened the door for the two still outside, and that was it.

Ryan sat back in his car, wishing things were different, and that he wasn’t such a coward. He knew that technically, he could go in, and they might be glad he was there. Even if he told them how long he’d been there, and what he had seen. Even if he told them he’d done nothing. But that didn’t matter. Because right at the moment, he couldn’t stand himself.

He needed distance, and time to get himself together before he could face all these people who he knew would accept him regardless of what he had or had not done.

It was cold in the car, and Ryan could see his breath. The heat was off, because the car itself wasn’t running. He didn’t really see the point of keeping it on, if he was just going to sit in one place and contemplate going inside without actually doing anything. He was wearing the winter hat now. It was black. He had on a Columbia jacket. That was black, too. Other than that, all he had to show for himself were blue jeans and a white tee shirt. It was as nondescript as he dared to be - or had ever been.

Leaning forward, Ryan put his head to the steering wheel. He knew they wouldn’t hold it against him. The not acting when he saw a need. But he would know. And he was more brutal to himself than anyone else had ever been. Well, other than his parents anyway.

He hated his weaknesses, and wished he could just be a man, like the countless other men who could live day to day without taking a drink. Men like Rob, or Mikhail. They were dependable. They were men their families could be proud of, and they could look outside themselves.

As more time went by, Ryan began to rethink freezing in his car when the church door was unlocked, just feet from him. And slowly, he got out, and approached the door, hoping they wouldn’t take his presence inside as intrusion.

--

Alex heard the door open behind her, and turned to see Ryan making his way in quietly. She walked over, happy to see him back.

Ryan could swear Alex looked worse every time he saw her. He tried his best not to let it show in his eyes, though. He knew better than to put a woman down, even in thought.

She took his hand, surprising him, and they walked over to where everyone else. Belle immediately stood, and embraced him.

She didn’t speak, and he could tell that the atmosphere in the room was serious. Wordlessly he joined them, sitting in a circle, and was surprised when Elise reached beside her, and put an arm around him. Josh just nodded his direction, his chair somewhere behind him.

“We were actually just going to share a little bit with each other,” Belle told him. “The only thing is, it’s gotta be honest. No fake faces or playing it down.”

He nodded, glad he’d chosen that moment to come in, and feeling sure he wouldn’t speak.

Sitting a little apart from them, Alex felt everyone’s gaze rest on her. “I guess I’ll start then,” she said, her voice hoarse.

“Where are you at?” Belle prompted, in case she needed it.

Alex looked away, drawing closer to Elise but not really ending up by her. “I’m miserable. I’m depressed.” Alex admitted so quietly they had to lean in to catch it. “I feel like I lived my whole life as this unreal person, because I don’t feel like that at all. My parents are fighting all the time…” her voice broke. “And it’s because of me.”

No one comforted her. But neither did they discount the validity of what she said.

“I feel like anything I try to do isn’t right. I tried to take care of myself medically, and I go and end up racking up more debt than my parents know how to deal with…and I know God’s there, but I feel lost and crappy all the time.”

Ryan moved closer to her, wanting to put an arm around her for support, but not knowing if she would accept it. He tried anyway, encouraged by her own bravery. She surprised him by leaning into the embrace, and losing her false grip on control.

She sobbed into his jacket, and Ryan slowly enfolded her in his arms.

“I’ve been pissed off forever now…” Ryan confessed. “Couldn’t believe that I was offered shit by Micah of all people. I hate that they didn’t take me seriously, and that people talk behind my back, and it doesn’t matter if it’s at church or on the street. ‘Cause people still look down on you, and they don’t believe you can change. It sucks.” He paused, hoping Alex wasn’t upset that he was speaking about himself, but she had remained where she was. “My home life was so screwed up that I left at sixteen. Lived on my own for more than five years, drinking and doing shit I shouldn’t do, ‘til a friend of mine drove us home smashed, and didn’t make it.”

All around him, Ryan could hear those sharp intakes of breath, like when you really shock someone, but he couldn’t look up because of the tears that blurred his own vision.

Ryan felt a hand on his back, and instinctively drew himself in, holding his breath. He still hated being touched unexpectedly. It always made him edgy, and sent his heart to his throat. It reminded him of being hit, and screamed at. It always made him remember the scared little boy - the one he’d tried unsuccessfully to drown in bottle after bottle of booze.

It made him glad he wore black tonight. He mourned himself - both parts - user, and child. He wasn’t sure which he was most days, or if he could forge a new person out of so much wreckage.

Besides, just because he could hold someone else, and offer them comfort - it didn’t mean he could receive it.

He heard Elise’s voice.

“His name…” she paused, her voice labored by her own tears. “What was his name?”

Looking down at the frail body he held - still stroking her hair, Ryan spoke.

“His name was Alex.”

--

The silence was so deep afterward, Belle wasn’t sure she wanted to break it. Their Alex had righted herself by then, but made no effort for composure.

Josh made no move to speak, and neither did Elise. Belle knew it was her turn, and hoped that no one could see her hands shaking.

She looked right at Ryan. “I’m still a liar,” she told him plainly. “It’s more of a struggle than I ever wanted to admit to anyone being honest with my feelings. I’m honest with y’all, but with my mother I still fake that I’m okay.”

“How aren’t you okay?” Josh wondered.

Belle shrugged, feeling uncomfortable, but made herself push through it. “I think I still wanna protect her somehow. When they divorced, I was young, but it was hard on her raising me alone. I thought the best thing to do was be happy.” Belle felt ill, knowing she was misleading them, even now, with the lack of information.

“Your mom’s your mom, though. She’s the adult. She doesn’t need protecting,” Ryan offered, “And I don’t mean this at all disrespectfully, but you’re not a child anymore. You know better. Maybe it’s time you start living like you do.”

Belle nodded, surprised that as new as he was, Ryan could still see through her, and tell her what she needed to hear, even though he hadn’t seen her in her days of pretending,

Alex rose to her knees, extending her arms to hug Ryan and Elise on either side of her. Elise reached out to grab hold of Belle, and together, and the four of them made their way over to Josh, who sat quietly, flipping through a Bible that was near him.

Though he would never admit it aloud, Josh had wondered if they would remember that he couldn’t really move without his chair. He had wondered if they would come to him, or just hug each other and leave him forgotten off to the side, and offer a half-hearted apology later, with some lame excuse that he’d heard so often about how they didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable - as if being excluded would have the reverse effect. It had happened in the past, not with this exact situation, but ones like it. People just didn’t know how to include him when he wanted nothing more than to be on the floor with everyone else.

Setting the Bible aside, he embraced his friends, remembering the last scripture he had read, and reciting it. He didn’t know why, but he knew it felt right.

“Treat the foreigner the same as a native. Love him like one of your own. Remember that you were once foreigners…”

--

Somehow, being included in the group hug made Josh feel loved enough that he could share. Though he’d been going to small group with all of them for sometime, he had shared very little about himself. Now, with the solemnity and support around him, Josh felt ready.

“I guess I don’t have anything really groundbreaking to share…” he started. “No big confessions. No realizations. But since the only real requirement is to be honest, I guess I can tell you guys this… Please don’t laugh, though, ‘cause it’s really hard to say.”

“I always knew I was different from other people my age. Now, I know you’re probably thinking physically, and I mean that way, too. But more than that it was obvious to me that I had an older person’s intellect. People laugh when I use big words, because they think it’s cute or funny. But no one would laugh if it was an adult saying that. And that always bothered me. Because I feel I should be given the same consideration. I mean, last time I checked, intelligence was a good thing. Yet I’ve spent most of my childhood feeling ostracized. It’s bad enough being the smart kid in school, but to be the smart kid who’s a prisoner in his own body?” Josh looked down, hurt evident in his eyes, but only if one looked deep enough.

He looked up again, making eye contact with Belle, then Alex, then Elise, and then Ryan in turn. “This is the first time in my entire life that I’ve had friends.” he confided. “I’ve had adults that I talked to, and looked up to, but never peers.”

“I just wanted to say thank you so much for accepting me. And not even as the smart kid, or the kid with a disability. But as Josh. Because that’s a gift I’ve never gotten, but it’s one I’ll always treasure.”

Pulling him close, Elise invited Josh to lean on her, not caring that it meant she had to lean on someone else to keep her own balance. That’s what this was all about anyway.

--

All eyes were on Elise, and she knew she ought to speak, too. Everyone else had taken their turns, after all.

Smiling self-consciously, Elise began, “I don’t speak…well…when there’s, like…an expectation in the air. Or when I know it’s my turn, or something. So bear with me.” she began.

“As you know by now, probably…my mom has come back in my life, and she’s left. We…weren’t on the best terms ever, so it was hard to have her there. It was hard on Robby, and she didn’t respect Kylie…It was just really hard on all of us.”

“Is she coming back?” Josh asked, “Or does she get you don’t want her around?”

“I don’t know…” Elise admitted quietly. “I wish she would come back the way I remember her from when I was little. When she cared where I went, and fixed me up if I got hurt. ‘Cause now she doesn’t do any of that. She wanted to be here for her, not for me or for Robby. She shouldn’t have come for herself. Kylie and Robby have parented me more than my own parents ever did, or got a chance to. I’m glad they did. I just don’t know when…or if…I’m ever gonna come first for my mom.”

“You come first to us…” Josh reassured from her shoulder. “I know it’s probably not the same as having your mom do it, but we’re here. We care about you.”

“Thank you, Josh.” Elise replied, knowing instinctively that he was speaking for all of them. She ran a hand over his buzzed hair, and shivered at the prickly feeling it gave her. “You guys are sweet to me.”

--

It was 11:40 before they started piling back into Belle’s car. Ryan offered to drive, but as Alex lovingly pointed out, he didn’t know where anyone lived, which was probably a good thing to know.

Alex and Belle made sure that Josh and Elise called home to let them know they might be a minute or two late. Elise would definitely be late, but she hoped she wouldn’t be in as much trouble because she called and let Robby know what was happening.

Out by the car, Belle surveyed the spot she would need to maneuver Josh into, trying not to make it look obvious. Lifting him out hadn’t been hard, but lifting him in might prove to be more difficult. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him.

She knew the chair was already stowed in the trunk, and Belle held Josh in her arms, feeling the cold bite into her fingers.

“Here.”

The voice was scratchy, but undeniably compassionate. Though he spoke only one word, the emotion behind it spoke volumes more.

Belle’s eyes met his, and she looked surprised.

In a moment, Josh felt himself being taken into someone else’s arms. He squinted tiredly in the dark.

There was Ryan, almost completely blended into the shadows. Josh didn’t remember even seeing him come over, but he was glad he had.

His grip wasn’t as strong as Rob’s, but it was sure.

“You okay?” he asked in Josh’s ear. “You won’t fall.”

“I know,” Josh returned, confident that he wouldn’t.

Like a pro, Ryan bent low, making sure Josh didn’t hit his head on the way in, and got him in the seat.

And just as quickly, in the blackness, Ryan vanished.