Mercy: Chapter 9

We dance in a circle and suppose, while the secret sits in the middle and knows.
- Robert Frost

It was halfway through the week, and already, Alex felt ready to drop. She dreaded the upcoming holiday with her family. Her dad remained opinionated as ever, and convinced that he was right about everything, and all the women in his household were lacking something important.

She had to force herself to look beyond his shortcomings, and continued spending many evenings in the sanctuary, when she usually would have sought solace in her own room at home. That was no longer an option and now she was relegated to God’s house to spend her quiet time. Truth be told - she preferred it here. In the calm, near darkness of the sanctuary she found peace that was lacking in her own house.

Tonight, Ryan was nowhere to be found, and Alex felt a surge of relief. It was great when he was there, but tonight, Alex needed time to focus on herself.

Alex paced the carpet back and forth. Occasionally she sat, but never for too long. She felt restless, and embraced it. She hadn’t felt restless in a long time.

It was almost beyond her to express how much she wanted this depression to leave her. She assumed it was related to the operation and changes in hormone levels or something. But suspecting its origin didn’t serve Alex. She wanted it gone. Whether or not she would ever be the same crazy girl that all her friends loved didn’t matter. She wanted to be able to look forward to something. She wanted putting together outfits to feel like fun again, instead of exercise in how to fool people.

Eventually, she made her way to a side door, and propped it open with a chair. She knew that technically, having an open door didn’t bring her any closer to God, but it made Him feel more accessible to her. Lying on the floor, Alex prayed, still in her coat - the stupid bandanna still secured around her neck.

She prayed long and hard, letting God know all the pain she had been too lost to speak. The pain of her father’s rejection that went beyond his feelings on her surgery, and encompassed all of her life. Gently, she relinquished her unquenchable desire to be independent, and prove something to her dad. She let God have the control that she had never truly possessed. And eventually, Alex also loosened her grip on the darkness that had become her companion.

Alex sighed, realizing that the only person she could truly change was herself. And though it wouldn’t take place all at once, unless God saw fit to really bless her, Alex knew it was up to her to make changes. Her dad would adjust.

Taking a breath, Alex reached behind her, and untied the red fabric from around her neck - and slowly, she replaced it where it belonged - over her hair.

It was a small, maybe inconsequential step, but Alex knew it was important.

With new resolve, Alex left the church and started home, knowing her parents would still be awake, and knowing she needed to talk to both of them before she lost her nerve.

--

“What are you doing with that? Trying to make a statement?” Alex’s father asked, the minute he saw her hair - much the same as it used to be.

She shook her head. It didn’t escape her that he hadn’t commented on the scar.

“Look, I need to talk to you,” Alex said, sounding more impatient than she meant to.

“What? You need money?” he scoffed.

Alex bristled. “No, I don’t need money. How often do I come to you and Mom for anything?”

“Aside from that little medical expense…” he muttered sarcastically.

She stood her ground. “I should have never changed myself for you. I respect you, but I shouldn’t have changed myself for you. I can’t take back the decision I made about having the surgery, and I wouldn’t do anything differently if I had to do it again. I love you, and I respect you, but I can’t stand our family being like this.”

“Babe, I love you too. But you’re decision making skills aren’t great. You’re not financially independent, and you’re a weak-minded person. The sooner you realize and accept that, the sooner you’ll start livin’ in reality rather than wanting to be something you’re never gonna be.”

Alex shut her eyes, and turned, forcing herself to focus on the fact that he had told her he loved her, and rejecting the rest as a lie. Coming from her father, though, whatever he said had some weight. Against her will, she crawled in bed and pulled the covers over herself and wept.

--

Mikhail arrived at Micah’s well before anyone else. He hadn’t forgotten his promise to talk to Micah about what happened at the party recently.

Never one for undue stress, Micah was relaxing on the couch in front of a basketball game when Mikhail came in.

“Hey. Come watch. It’s a good game.” Micah invited.

Mikhail shook his head seriously. “No time for that now. I need to talk to you. Is important that I talk to you.”

Sitting up, Micah turned off the television and waited. Mikhail was rarely so solemn.

“What’s up?” he asked.

“Kylie tell me something that shouldn’t happen,” Mikhail began.

Micah’s brow furrowed. “And it has to do with me? Are you sure?”

“This party you have here. You have Ryan come to a place with drinking. And you offer him something he shouldn’t have,” Mikhail’s eyes showed disapproval and disappointment plainly.

“Yeah, that probably wasn’t the smartest move…” Micah acknowledged.

Mikhail shook his head. “You make him stumble when he should feel safe.”

Micah sighed. “I know…and I didn’t even think about it. That was really messed up.”

“You’re gonna make it right?” Mikhail challenged.

“I’ll apologize. Don’t know how much good it’ll do, though. He probably hates me for it.”

“You apologize. You mean what you tell him.” Mikhail insisted.

Micah nodded, as the door opened, and the first few people arrived for their group.

--

As it happened, Ryan also came planning to make things right in his own way. He hadn’t wanted to show up, but he had anyway, knowing how important it was to assert himself about where he stood with alcohol.

Before anything could begin , Ryan asked to speak. He addressed the whole group, knowing that even the younger kids were old enough to hear what he had to say.

“I need to say something to everybody,” he started, standing up. “Maybe I should have made it clearer to you guys about my position right now. I’m an alcoholic. I’m in recovery, but I’m still an alcoholic. It’s something I’m gonna struggle with for the rest of my life. And especially right now, I’m new to sobriety, and it’s difficult for me to turn down a drink if it’s offered.” He looked at the adult party-goers as he spoke, wanting them to get the message.

“Look, we’re sorry about the other night,” Gabe apologized, keeping it vague on purpose for the younger kids. “We won’t invite you next time. But you should also know that’s not something we do all the time, and we weren’t smart about it. You need to know that people around you aren’t going to change for you; you have to change for you.”

Ryan felt his jaw tighten. Why they were still minimizing this was beyond him? “I wasn’t counting on dealing with it in this type of situation,” he managed.

“Well, like we said,” Micah reiterated, having felt his own apology die on his lips as soon as Gabe spoke. “It’s not something we do all the time, or even frequently. We won’t invite you next time.”

“When did you start drinking?” Josh asked cautiously. He could see this conversation was a hard one for Ryan to have, and didn’t want to make it worse.

Ryan turned, almost forgetting that anyone else was in the room besides himself and Gabe and Micah. He saw Josh. He heard the question. He wished he didn’t feel compelled to answer it; to share his story.

“When I was about as old as you,” Ryan admitted, his voice soft and full of regret.

“Why?” Josh asked, concentrating seriously on Ryan, and everything he said.

Ryan shrugged. He’d opened up the biggest can of worms by answering that first question. Now, he was screwed.

“To forget.” he managed.

“My life was rough growing up. My mom drank and my dad couldn’t cope with her drinking and he started hitting me. We never had money. My dad would make it and my mom would spend it. Either on stuff we didn’t need, or on booze. She gave me my first drink. My dad gave me my first reason to get drunk. I drank socially for the first time when I was fourteen, and two years later I was an alcoholic and a user, and I’d left home after getting beaten bloody because my mom used his paycheck again.”

Josh exhaled, then, sort of wishing he hadn’t asked. And the people who needed to speak, said nothing, feeling like they were justified, or that they had played no part in it, and didn’t need to apologize.

--

Elise felt terror rise suddenly in her. She never knew it was possible to feel it this much, especially being away from her mom’s house. But hearing Ryan tell his own story had struck such sympathy and fear in her that she was left speechless, and desperate.

Tears ran down her face. They weren’t the kind that Elise could just work with, or ignore. She was afraid. The image of Ryan being beaten bloody brought a flashback so horrific, Elise understood why it hadn’t come up, in the year since the attack.

One minute, she was hearing his words, and the next she was back in the basement, having been pushed brutally from behind, and cracking her head on the cement floor below. The next pieces of memory were disjointed. She saw the bat. She saw him swing it. She felt the pain. Just like most times - but this time, another piece had surfaced.

This time, she could recall being alone on the floor of the basement. She had regained consciousness very briefly, and looked to the side long enough to see the enormous collection of blood next to her head. When she felt herself losing consciousness again, Elise felt sure that she was going to die.

Slowly, Rob moved from behind to grab hold of his sister. He knew she was beyond anything rational - that this was basically a nightmare, only this time she was wide awake. Normally, he wouldn’t make any move for her, but this was an unfamiliar house, and he didn’t want her panicking suddenly and hurting herself.

Simultaneously, Rob saw Belle making her way to Elise. She was on all fours, knowing instinctively that she didn’t want to look too imposing.

Rob got to Elise first, and wrapped his arms around her. He held her in his strong grip.

She was beyond control. She felt crazy, and anxious and panicked and threatened. And even though she knew Robby was hugging her, it didn’t matter. Tears came, and sobs choked her - the unspoken words of her newfound memory remaining trapped in her like poison.

Though it was painful beyond words, Rob stayed with his sister, ignoring the voice that urged him to take her elsewhere. He knew that wasn’t possible. He knew they were stuck. And he knew that everyone in that room would be forced to witness this.

Sometime after that, Belle joined him, and from either side of Elise, they offered comfort.

Kylie rose and waited a decent distance away, in case they needed anything, or Elise got her voice back and wanted anything. She wasn’t much good at sitting in a crisis - and was much more likely to spring into action if any need came up.

Around the rest of the room, Julia and Micah stood to leave, but Mikhail stopped each of them with a look, and a gesture that clearly meant that they were to stay put.

“Lisey it’s Robby. It’s gonna be okay.” He spoke so softly that not even Belle could hear what he said. Elise could, he suspected, but it didn’t matter then.

Belle’s words were much the same, though she varied her voice quite a bit, hoping that Elise might be coaxed out of her current state if she heard something nice.

Still, nothing helped, and Elise remained curled into herself - knees drawn up, arms around her head protectively. The image of herself bleeding on the basement floor, far from help was etched in her mind, and every time she started to forget it, it was there again.

Around the room, everyone coped differently. Gabe hid his face, still unable to watch someone in pain. Andrew was a mess, and took the funny looks from everyone around him like a man. He wept, and wished his own heartache was farther from him. Josh looked perpetually startled, having not anticipated such a strong reaction from anybody from his question, and Ryan was beside himself, though no one could guess it, as he sat in a deceptive calm. Voices whispered to one another. And still, the same people tried to rise and leave.

Eventually, Missy moved to block the exit, after having several minutes of silent conversation with Kylie from across the room. And even with Missy so obviously stopping any outflow of human traffic, people still tried to get by her. But she stood there, determined that they would all see this, and not shy away from it. They would realize what this girl dealt with, no matter how hard it was to watch.

“Can you hear me?” Rob asked, from Elise’s side. He spoke gently into her ear.

Elise nodded, but gave no other clues that she was close to emerging from this. Her clothes were rumpled and her hair was a mess. Tear tracks were fresh on her face; her posture was still hunched low.

“Hey, honey,” Belle greeted quietly, rubbing Elise‘s back. Her voice, remarkably, still held a little cheer.

Unexpectedly, Elise leaned into Rob, and buried her face in his shoulder, wishing she was invisible, and that she hadn’t just lost it in front of a whole room full of people. She still wasn’t even close to composed, but she could move, which was better than nothing.

“I’m sorry…” Rob apologized helplessly, holding Elise, and not knowing what else he could say.

Mikhail gave people the evil eye, making sure they all stayed seated and didn’t try to leave. One of their own was hurt. They couldn’t deny it anymore.

Almost as inexplicably as it started, it stopped. With enough time, the terror and the badness passed, and Elise just sat sandwiched between her brother and her best friend, knowing that she was okay, even though she didn’t feel it yet.

She leaned heavily on Robby, knowing he didn’t mind and kept one of Belle’s hands clasped tightly in her own.

“Do you wanna leave?” Rob asked quietly in her ear.

Elise shook her head. Even though she did want to go, she knew there was no way she could leave just then without being carried.

Wordlessly, Mikhail got up from his chair - the first person to move in several minutes. He came to Elise with a box of tissues in his hand and squatted down in front of her, offering the box.

Ignoring it, Elise leaned forward, and fell against him - needing more than anything, in that moment to feel the arms of a father around her. Rob instinctively let her go, and Belle moved away.

Elise felt herself falling apart again, but she knew this time it was from relief. Mikhail was still, holding onto her, and not speaking - praying over her in Russian silently that her pain be lifted, and that she could feel the love of the Lord in this time, though He might seem far away.

For several minutes it was this way. Neither of them moved. Mikhail didn’t even shift his large frame into a more comfortable position, though his knees begged for it.

Instead, he just held this little girl, who was not so much younger, but always struck him as having been hurt somehow - though he didn’t know details. He held her, and thought of his own daughter at home - hoping to God that she never, ever hurt like this. He knew that though Elise didn’t have parents taking care of her at home, she was someone’s child.

When Elise pulled away and simply nodded her thanks, he understood, and offered her the box of tissues again.

“Thank you…” she managed. Through tearful eyes she surveyed the room, surprised to see everyone still there, and looking at her expectantly.

Mikhail stood, and returned to where he’d been, while Elise took Robby and Belle’s hands, feeling like God would help her speak - and like He wanted her to speak.

Elise waited another minute, to collect herself emotionally, but not worrying about what to say.

She saw Ryan’s face. He looked stricken.

Taking a breath, and squeezing the hands she held, Elise began, without a clue about what would come out of her mouth.

“My situation and Ryan’s are kind of similar,” Elise started, surprised at how gentle and relaxed her voice sounded. “That’s why I panicked a little bit. It wasn’t you,” she offered, looking to Ryan and hoping he took her seriously.

“Some of you know what happened to me and some of you…still don’t,” Elise continued, squeezing Robby’s hand - knowing that he was one of the people in the room who was clueless.

“Like Ryan, and probably some of the rest of you, I got hit, too. Years after my dad died, my mom met a guy, and she liked him, and they moved in together.” She paused. “At first he was nice to me, and he really loved my mom. But as time went by, and they got closer, he started losing his temper more and more with me. He would hit me.”

Elise looked at the carpet. “Every time my brother would visit from college, I would make excuses for the bruises I had, and for a while that’s all it was. Until it started getting more stressful around home. This guy really wanted them to be together without me to interfere. I guess he really thought he could get me to leave. He’d been asking me all along and whenever I said no, he’d do something to hurt me. This one night, he had me get out of bed…”

She felt Belle squeeze her hand supportively. She knew what was coming, and Robby could guess at it.

“…He had me go downstairs to our basement. He told me to. It was the middle of the night, and I was tired. When I got to the top of the stairs, I stopped for a second, because I didn’t know what he could want with me downstairs in the middle of the night. And…I think because I hesitated…he pushed me. I fell down all the stairs and hit my head at the bottom, on the floor. I was in a lot of pain, and I looked, and saw he had a baseball bat behind him the whole time. It happened so fast I couldn’t move out of the way.” Elise took a breath, making a decision. “And that’s all I feel comfortable saying. It was just hard to hear what Ryan said and it made me remember things that I wish I didn’t have to.”

For the first time, Elise brought her gaze up from the carpet and looked at Robby. He sat still, his head bent, and tears fell slowly down his cheeks.

Putting an arm around him, Elise apologized. “I’m sorry. I know it’s hard for you to hear. Are you mad at me?” she asked, though she didn’t sound worried.

He shook his head, knowing she could never guess at how he was feeling at that moment. But he hoped he could tell her, though, because this was just about the bravest thing anyone could have done, especially given what she had just been through.

Leaning towards her, Rob whispered in her ear, “You’re a brave girl. I’m proud of you.”

--

Slowly, order was restored to the group - though it wasn’t the same kind of order, and Elise and Rob were getting more hugs than either of them could ever remember getting since they’d first come before Thanksgiving.

In the midst of all the chaos of hugging and shifting seats, Ryan managed to leave, and others finally moved past the open doorway, which Missy had finally vacated, to get snacks and visit.

Most of them, though, stayed where they were, watching Mikhail for a cue about what they were doing now. Any plans for that night had evaporated the minute Ryan stood up and started sharing.

“How’s the situation with your mom now?” Belle asked quietly.

“It still needs to be worked out,” Rob managed. “So, you know, if you guys wanna pray about that, that’d be cool. Not right now or anything. Just if you wanted to, like, this week or something.”

Missy nodded. “I think praying is a good idea. Anybody want prayer for anything?”

For a few seconds no one spoke. Then, Gabe got to his feet and walked across the room to Alex and took her by the hands, pulling her to her feet gently.

The two had barely spoken since their friendship had begun to breakdown the month before due to Gabe’s lack of follow through. It had never gotten back to the way it was, and Gabe regretted that every single day. Especially seeing how much Alex was struggling now.

She was still dressing down, not even close to the bubbly cheerful girl he had known. Now, Alex perpetually looked lost and grieved, even on the rare days when she smiled.

Gently, Gabe led Alex to the center of their circle, to the chair which Kylie had surrendered and placed in the middle - as the hot seat.

They hadn’t talked in a long time, and Gabe knew there was stuff going on, even if she didn’t share it with him anymore - and though there was almost no communication between them, Gabe still felt it was necessary to do this for Alex.

Immediately the remaining people - everyone but Micah, Julia and Ryan - enclosed around her and started praying. Alex didn’t say anything. Though she saw Andrew close by her, and felt like he had more reason to be in the hot seat than she did - even though he hadn’t spoken either.

They prayed for her for a while, each one offering up something on her behalf - silent or spoken. She was grateful, but didn’t feel particularly moved by the words. Not until Chris spoke.

“Lord, I know how it is to live under depression. I know how it can steal your hope and make you believe there’s nothin’ to hang on for. God, I ask that You would lift this depression and restore our friend to us, the way You’re restoring me. I know You can do it, so right now, I ask You to start. Whatever’s going on with Alex, I ask that You’d shift her perspective on it, and make it bearable. Let her know that she is loved, and we’re here for her, no matter what, just like You are.”

--

That night, Rob let Elise ride home with Belle. Andrew offered to drop Josh off, so Belle and Elise could talk. Kylie and Rob went home together, probably wanting an opportunity to talk, too, without interruption.

“So, are you okay?” Belle asked, looking shocked, still, that Elise had been so vulnerable in front of all of them.

Elise nodded. “I mean, I sort of wish I didn’t cry in front of everybody, but other than that, it was okay. I really feel like I needed to tell them about what happened. Like not all of them get it.”

“Julia,” Belle supplied.

“Yeah,” Elise returned. “I don’t know if she gets it now, even, but I’m still glad I let them know about it. It’s hard to carry that around.”

“Hey, can I borrow your phone for a second?” Elise wondered, knowing what she was about to do was technically something she should avoid, but right now that didn’t matter.

Belle dug around in her purse for a second, before pulling it out and handing it to Elise.

Elise took a breath, and from memory, dialed her mom’s phone number.

--

“Mom?” Elise asked, hearing the familiar voice answer.

“Elise, honey, I hoped you would call! I’ve missed you so much! Your brother’s not there, is he? I don’t think he’d like us talking…but I’m so glad you called.”

In a matter of seconds, Elise could tell her mom sounded stressed and lonely. For the briefest of seconds, she wished they were together, so Elise could give her a hug, and tell her it was going to be okay.

“Mom, I have to tell you something.” Elise explained, forging ahead.

“Honey, anything. What is it? Do you want to come home? I can be there in under an hour.”

Elise closed her eyes. “Mom, no. Listen to me.”

Finally, the other end of the call was silent.

“I love you and I miss you, but I can’t go home with you. I never planned to live with Robby, and I didn’t want to go at first, but that’s home now. I’m sorry you’re not happy with yourself or your life right now, but I can’t fix that for you.”

From behind the steering wheel, Belle raised her eyebrows. Because the volume on her phone was so high, she could easily hear both ends of the call, and knew that Robby would be incredibly upset if he knew what Elise was up to. She was shocked at this woman’s level of selfishness, even now. Belle clenched the wheel and tried to keep her focus on the road.

“Well, I know that,” Elise’s mom answered, as if what her daughter said was preposterous. “I never meant that you should come back and live with me, I just wanted us to be a family for the holidays.”

Elise closed her eyes. “That can’t happen, either, Mom.”

“What do you mean it can’t happen? It can happen easily, if your brother would just lighten up,” she protested.

“This has nothing to do with Robby. I can’t be around you. Maybe someday, when I’m an adult, we can talk. But for now, I’m saying no. No Christmas. No other holidays. No other times when you feel lonely. I love you, but I can’t have you in my life right now.” Elise explained trying with everything in her to convey the seriousness with which she felt every word.

There was silence.

“Mom? Are you still there?” Elise wondered.

“I’m here,” her voice acknowledged, though she sounded defeated.

“Did you hear me?” Elise pressed.

There was a pause. “Yes. I guess I just had to hear it from you.”

“I need to go, Mom.” Elise said, though part of her wished she didn’t have to.

“All right, honey. I love you. Tell Robby I love him, if you can.”

Elise hung up, not able to say goodbye, and knowing that she wouldn’t be passing on their mother’s phone message to Robby - at least not anytime soon. And it occurred to her, belatedly, that in the space of that entire conversation, her mom hadn’t apologized for anything.

“Elise,” Belle began, once her phone was back in her purse. “Your brother’s gonna kill me.”

“I had to do that.”

“And after the night you both had…and I can‘t believe her!” Belle continued, trying to keep her car aligned on the icy road.

“It was fine, and I had to do it. Now, she’ll leave us alone.” Elise explained matter-of-factly.

“She better.” Belle warned. “And she’d better let your brother know.”

“She will,” Elise assured her, though she wasn’t entirely convinced it would happen.

“Anyway, are you gonna be all right tonight?” Belle wondered, her voice softening, as she thought of all the stress her friend had been under the majority of the night.

Elise nodded. “I think I will. And if not, I know I’ll be taken care of.”

Belle smiled, feeling glad that Elise was more confident now, though she had no idea where this transformation had come from.

“Will you keep in touch over break, or do you have to go out of town?” Elise asked suddenly.

“Nope, I’ll be here. Though Gabe did invite me to Georgia with him,” Belle teased.

“He did not!” Elise exclaimed.

“Did, too,” Belle insisted. “But I turned him down. I wouldn’t have taken him up on it anyway.”

“I would have!” Elise shot back. “For a road trip to Georgia? Come on,” she laughed.

“I’ll be around,” Belle reiterated, pulling into the parking lot in front of the apartment. “So stay in touch, and we can do something over break, maybe.”

“Okay. And Belle? Thank you.”