Mercy: Chapter 1

If suffer we must, let us suffer on the heights.
- Victor Hugo

He crept into the sanctuary quietly, knowing it was too late for him to be there.

The church itself was silent and dark - almost oppressive in its calm. The one thing he wished for was some noise. He bowed his head, trying to shake the dream from his mind.

Sitting in a pew, he focused on the ground - barely noticing the girl who sat nearby.

--

Alex jumped when she heard the church doors open, sometime after she had gotten there. She knew she should have locked them behind her, but couldn’t shake the habit of leaving them open, just in case someone else needed this place at night, like she did.

For the last couple weeks, following surgery, Alex felt like she was losing herself piece by piece. She hadn’t gotten a full night’s sleep in as long at least a month. This was the only place she could get some peace, and sometimes, she even fell asleep praying, waking up hours later and considering it a victory.

Alex turned when he came in. He thought he was alone, and she wondered if he knew he was shaking.

She had never seen him before, and for a minute, nerves overtook her, as she looked at his appearance. He had tattoos. And earrings. He had facial hair.

He looked too thin to be healthy. All his clothes hung off him in a way that made him look small and beaten. His hat was pulled down low over his eyes. His jeans, the baggy kind, hung from his slim frame and looked almost pitiable. His shirt was dark, and had a brand name across the front. She knew from looking at the shirt itself that it was pricey, and she knew from looking in his eyes that the label across the front of his shirt meant validation.

At an earlier time, Alex would have gone over to him. She would have introduced herself and struck up a conversation. But not tonight. Tonight, she was defeated. Her thoughts raced in a crazy way that happened whenever she was deprived of sleep. Shutting her eyes, she blocked him out of her mind, and concentrated on herself.

--

Ryan couldn’t sit in a pew. He had relocated several times, but each time, he found himself back in the same place. Finally, he slid off the seat, into the floor space between the wooden benches. It was oddly comforting there - as if he could pray without God seeing him.

He knew the dream wasn’t real. But that didn’t matter. He was an alcoholic. In recovery, sure. But he’d dreamed he’d been drinking, and doing other stuff too, ’cause he’d been a user as well. It didn’t matter how many months sober he was, the dreams still came, reminding him of all he was missing - and of all the ways he’d ruined his life. Inevitably, too, it made him want to drink. And that was the feeling he was fighting. He’d thought of calling his sponsor, but it was late, and he didn’t want to wake him. Not for something as stupid as this.

So he’d come here. To this church he’d seen while driving around. It wasn’t obvious, but Ryan hadn’t been looking for obvious. He’d been praying for something hidden. This was so far off a main road, it was secluded. And when Ryan saw a light on inside, he knew that was the place.

Normally, he wasn’t a churchgoing guy, but in rehab, that’s something they had focused a lot on. Except in rehab, they didn’t call it God. They called it Your Higher Power. He knew it was God, though. He had been raised in church until kindergarten. Come to think of it, that was the only and last place he ever felt safe aside from rehab. Maybe that’s why he came searching for a church tonight. But he wasn’t in the mood to analyze. He just wanted peace.

He heard shoes on the carpet and felt his heart jump. All this time, he took for granted that he was alone. But peering out from between the pews, he saw just how mistaken he had been.

There was a girl walking the carpet just feet from him. He knew from watching her that she hadn’t meant to draw attention to herself. In fact, he guessed, based on her appearance, that would be the last thing she probably wanted.

She had come in her pajamas. Her pants had Spongebob faces all over them. They looked harsh and yellow and ridiculous, but he smiled anyway. She had on a grey sweatshirt that did nothing to betray her build. She seemed to hide in her clothes, but he could understand that. She wore her hair in a knot at the back of her neck, the way tired women wore it. When she turned, to pace the other direction, he noticed the scar. It extended across the front of her neck, like a sadistic smile. It literally looked like something had come along and taken a bite out of her.

Unfolding himself from the floor, he stood, and went to her.

“Hey, I’m Ryan,” he said, extending a hand, and taking hers.

“Alex,” she said, startled. She didn’t know why it was so surprising that hand was warm.

“I…didn’t want to bother you. I just didn’t know anyone else was here, and I thought I’d say hey.” He spoke fast, realizing she was uncomfortable.

“I’ve never seen you,” Alex said suddenly. “I’ve been going here a while, and I’ve never…I mean, I know everybody my age, and I never saw you.”

It was then that she really took notice of his eyes. They were brown - the color hers were mistaken for. But it was more than that. Because looking under the rim of his hat, she knew its purpose immediately. Because his eyes betrayed him. His carefully crafted tough exterior meant nothing to Alex once she saw his eyes - and all the vulnerability he sought to hide.

Ryan ducked his head, deciding she had seen enough, and massaging the back of his neck with one hand. “My first time,” he explained softly. “I really never have been here, so don’t worry about missing me or anything.”

She noted his scratchy voice - how he talked like a smoker.

“So this is random, then, huh?” she asked, smiling a little at his previous comment.

He shrugged, not saying anything.

“So…what brings you here this time of night?” Alex wondered, simultaneously curious about how she was suddenly intrigued by this stranger, haunting her place of refuge.

His hands inexplicably went to his pockets. He shifted his weight. “I uh…I’m an alcoholic, and I had a user dream.”

She blinked. “Oh. Wow.”

Ryan looked away, realizing that the level of honesty acceptable in rehab was probably not expected in this case, but he hadn’t been able to help himself. He had to be honest. His crap thrived if he wasn’t honest when he struggled.

“Sorry…you probably didn’t care to know that.” he apologized.

“No, it’s fine. I couldn’t sleep either, so…”

“I came because the light was on.”

Alex smiled to herself. “That was me.”

He nodded, assuming that much was true. There was no one else around after all.

“All right, well, I’m gonna go pray, otherwise I’ll never get any sleep tonight.” Alex turned to leave. “It was nice meeting you. Come back.”

“Nice meeting you. Thanks.” he returned, wondering what he would do now that his new friend was gone.

He left the sanctuary, and rode the elevator up and down a few times. But that got old fast, and he thought belatedly that the dinging of the bell might annoy Alex. So he got off on the main floor, back where he’d started.

This time, though, he noticed the couch that blended in with the dark. It was right across from the coffee bar, which, admittedly, was the first thing he’d noticed, coming in. He spent the entire first five minutes he’d been there imagining that he could get a cup.

Soundlessly, Ryan crept around all the tables and chairs, and curled up on the couch. He tried to close his eyes, and focus on the distant rise and fall of Alex’s voice.

Wrapping his arms around himself, he tried to sleep.

--

Alex almost didn’t see Ryan as she was leaving an hour later. Had it not been for his restlessness, she would have walked right by him.

“Hey…” she said gently, squatting so she was at the same level as his sleeping face.

He woke quicker than she expected.

“I was just leaving, and I wanted to make sure you didn’t get left. I’ve got keys from my friend, Gabe, and I was gonna lock the door.”

Ryan sat up, rubbing his face. He hoped he could find his way home. “Thanks. See ya.”

“Sleep well,” Alex called after him.

“Yeah, you too.”

--

Andrew lie awake, his own words echoing in his head. He wished he could take them back. He wished he could be the same son his parents were proud of, but he was afraid it wasn’t going to be possible. Not after this winter. After this winter, his parents would wish things had been different.

The change had been gradual rather than sudden. He still hung out with Belle, and they still badgered one another relentlessly. They were still close, but she was starting to drift away from him. She was developing other interests - making friends apart from him, and more often than not he spent most of the school day in the throes of regret, wishing he could take back his dark mood and harsh remarks.

It wasn’t like Belle minded, really. She didn’t have a problem standing up for herself. She knew she deserved to be treated better than he’d been treating her. Miss Sherry taught her that, and Andrew was secretly glad, every time Belle asserted herself against his comments.

His mother, though, was different. She was falling apart at the seams. Winter was hard on his parents - especially his mom, but what no one realized, is that it was hard on him too. Not just by association.

Unfortunately for all of them, Andrew’s mood hadn’t exactly reflected the pain he was feeling. He had gotten nasty with people, especially his mother. He was disrespectful to her regularly now, and was walking a thin line between keeping his freedom, and losing all privileges outside school, work and chores. The only thing that kept him from crossing it was the thought that if he did, he would have to spend all his time around his parents. And right now, he just couldn’t do that.

--

Alex pushed the door open quietly, and ducked inside. She tried to pretend she couldn’t hear her parents’ fighting from outside - to pretend that they weren’t fighting over the debt her surgery had brought upon her family. She tried to creep by them without being seen. But as usual, it didn’t work.

“Alex,” her dad barked.

She stood in the doorway, waiting.

“Tell me again why we’re paying for something you didn’t even need done?” his voice was rough, waiting for her to admit to a wrong decision. Even though she felt in her heart, she had made the right one.

Crossing her arms, Alex explained herself tiredly, and for the millionth time. “There was no way to know for sure. I wanted to be safe - not assume I was okay, and have something spread.”

“Nothing was there in the first place!” he shouted. “The women in this house…I swear you’re all crazy…” he stared at Alex, his eyes resting on her incision. “It’s bad enough you dragged us through all this medical filth, but now every day I have to look at that thing on your neck. You know, it takes all the beauty right out of you. Least you could do is to cover it with something.”

Turning, Alex walked decidedly upstairs, knowing her dad wouldn’t stop unless she was out of sight.

“And change your major!” He spoke it like a threat.

Once in her room, Alex closed the door, and turned the radio on, effectively muffling her parents’ most recent argument. Bending down to sift through her clothes, she found Micah’s bandana - the one she still hadn’t given back.

Slowly, she reached up, and secured what used to adorn her hair as a fun accessory around her neck. She wouldn’t wear it all the time, she reasoned.

Just if she was home.

--

Rob walked into his apartment, feeling exhaustion beckoning him to sleep. But Kylie was waiting, as always. She usually wanted to talk before he settled in and she left for work.

Her eyes were dark and full of concern tonight, so Rob knew something had happened.

He walked by the kitchen where Elise was dutifully setting the table. Her hair was up, and she even wore a couple bracelets. She moved a little unsteadily, and stared intently at each of the two place settings, trying to be sure everything was in the right place. Other than that, she looked relaxed.

Rob wondered what could have gone on. Usually Elise was a great barometer of how the day had gone, and she looked fine by all accounts.

It was a small place, so Kylie led the way to his room, not wanting Elise to overhear.

Kylie waited until Rob was sitting down.

“Your mama called again,” she told him, feeling concerned.

Rob felt his stomach tighten. She had been calling a lot recently. It was to the point where he asked Elise not to get the phone, due to the fact that it might be their mother. Talking to her only upset his sister and brought back memories of things he wished she couldn’t recall.

“We need to change the number…” Rob moaned. “What did she say?”

“Ask if she could speak to her daughter. She was cold to me. I told her she couldn’t, and she got nasty with me. Ask me who I thought I was keepin’ her child from speakin’ to her. She kept me on the phone a while, harpin’ after me to let Elise on, but I didn’t. I’m seein’ more and more why you don’t have Elise talk to her,” Kylie finished tiredly.

“How’s Elise?” Rob wanted to know, his tone measured.

Kylie leaned back against the wall. “She knew it was her mother, but knew better than to say anything. She asked how she sounded.” Kylie admitted.

“Why should she even care how she sounds,” Rob complained. “She never did a thing for Elise.”

“You better get all that out while you’re here. Don’t take it out on your sister. That’s her mama, she can’t help feelin’ loyal to her.” Kylie warned. “I gotta get to work. Missy’s around if you need some help or anything tonight. She can be over in fifteen minutes.”

Rob knew the potential for Elise to have nightmares increased exponentially whenever their mom called. Even if she didn’t speak to her. Even if she seemed fine when the conversation was going on. And Kylie knew that lately they were coming more frequently, and that Elise’s fear of men wasn’t going away.

She came over, and wrapped her arms around him. Rob kissed the top of her head, and let her go, knowing she was going to be late if she didn’t leave soon.

--

When Elise screamed, it still made Rob feel like he had failed her. That night was no exception. He got out of bed quickly and made his way to the living room, where the couch was unfolded in the middle of the room.

It was almost worse now that her speech had improved. Because now she talked, and Rob was finding out more and more that he wished he never knew. It had been less than a minute and already, Elise had managed to wedge herself beneath the pull-out.

Rob caught a glimpse of her, and saw she was bleeding from somewhere. He stood watching, helplessly, silently, as his sister struggled and screamed. He was glad he’d called Missy first thing.

Just as suddenly as Elise had hidden herself under the bed, she came out. Still very much asleep, her back was a mess of scrapes, some of which bled through the fabric of her long pajama shirt. He also noticed blood coming from her head - it wasn’t a lot, but it still made Rob anxious. He could only guess that she had run into trouble against the metal springs, and other pointed pieces of uncoiled metal. He knew how shot his couch was.

Elise ran for the door, and Rob was stunned. She had never moved so much during a nightmare before. Her breathing was labored and terrified, and it made the hair on the back of Rob’s neck stand up.

Frantically, she tried to turn the knob, and Rob was grateful that she didn’t seem to recall that it locked in several places. He forced himself to stay quiet, knowing that the sound of his voice just scared her more.

“No… Please… I’ll leave, I promise…” her words were breathy now.

Rob looked at his watch and cursed it mentally. Missy was still ten minutes away. Five if she was speeding, which he privately hoped she was.

Still Elise fought with the door handle, determined, it seemed, to get out and avoid getting hit. Rob didn’t know what he was going to do once Missy got there. He knew he couldn’t let her get out.

She was sobbing now, and Rob was losing patience. Not with Elise, but with himself. With not being able to do anything to help his sister in these times when she was so afraid.

His phone rang, and Elise started, giving the door a hard yank and screaming in frustration, and terror when it didn’t give.

Rob picked up, and talked quietly into the receiver. Missy was there. She’d even made it inside the main doors - asking someone just leaving to hold them for her. She was on her way up, but which one was theirs?

He told her, also advising her that when she opened the door - to be prepared to catch his sister before she bolted.

“No problem.” Missy responded.

Rob shook his head. It was as if Missy got 3 AM phone calls all the time, and not only that, but rather enjoyed them.

“Just see if you can unlock it for me, huh?” she asked from outside the door. “If she panics, I’ll be right there.”

Obediently, Rob reached a little above Elise’s head and undid the chain.

She still fought a losing battle with the door. All the words she’d spoken earlier were dead on her lips now as the dread within her increased, as she knew she was taking too long.

Somehow, Rob managed to reach around her and unlock the handle.

Elise stumbled backward as it opened, going silent as freedom was within her grasp. She rushed forward, and directly into Missy, who effectively blocked the doorway.

She was in sweats, and hadn’t even grabbed a jacket before coming. Her hair was a mess, untamed, frizzy and slept-on. Standing there in her pajamas, Missy looked almost comical in her tiredness, but Rob knew something was there deep down. Her body may have looked exhausted but her eyes were alive with concern and control.

If Missy was shocked by the blood trickling down Elise’s face, she didn’t show it. The minute Elise moved, Missy was prepared to catch her.

One minute, Elise was against Missy’s chest and the next, she had scooped up the smaller girl in her arms, holding tightly in case she fought.

Missy walked over to the recliner, and got comfortable. Elise had stilled, and was beginning to show signs of waking.

“Hey, Elise….Can you wake up for me?” Missy kept her voice soft. Elise’s breathing still wasn’t calm, and the last thing she wanted was to send her into hyperventilation by startling her. She rocked the chair back and forth, knowing Rob was in the next room.

Slowly, sluggishly, Elise’s eyes opened. Almost immediately, her hand moved to explore the side of her head, but Missy caught it - not knowing what Elise would do if she saw blood, and not sure if she was even fully awake. “I’ve got you, honey. You don’t worry about anything, all right? “

“…No,” Elise protested. Her voice was thick, but with pain or sleep, Missy couldn’t tell.

Elise knew this feeling. And as odd as it was to be held, and to have Missy in her apartment in the middle of the night - it was more alarming to be bleeding, and not know why.

“Honey, listen to me. You’re just fine. You know who’s talkin‘, right?” Missy asked, keeping the hand that seemed to have an unquenchable need to explore the wound securely held.

Elise nodded. “Missy,” she answered, wondering what kind of a question that was. “Was he here?” she asked suddenly, her tone becoming wary.

Confused, Missy looked to Rob, who lingered in the small doorway between the kitchen and the living room. He shook his head slightly, looking bewildered. “Me?” he mouthed, motioning to himself. He didn’t know who else Elise could mean.

“You mean Robby?” Missy questioned gently.

Elise shook her head. Indiscernibly, her breathing sped up again, and speaking was beyond difficult. “Did…someone…”

Missy had to force herself to look. Watching Elise struggle for speech was one of the reasons it was hard for her to take to Elise at first. It hurt Missy’s heart to watch her fight for expression.

Rob stole in the room a little ways, putting a warm washcloth in Missy’s free hand.

Gently, Missy brought the cloth up to Elise’s face and tried to wipe away the blood. Elise recoiled hard, burying her face in Missy’s sweatshirt. Undeterred, Missy continued until she had cleaned up the blood.

The minute Elise felt the pressure on her head, she started shaking. It didn’t matter it was just a washcloth. Her breathing was still ragged, and got worse as she tried to force what she needed to know.

“Did someone do this? Did he…come and do this?” Elise asked, her eyes wide and frightened.

Again, Missy looked to Rob for help. She had no idea what Elise meant, but saw immediately that Rob did. His eyes darkened, and he shook his head firmly.

“No one did this,” Missy assured. “You had a nightmare and it looks like you got caught up in somethin’ and got a little cut up, but it’s not bad. You’re gonna be just fine.” Missy waited. “Now can you slow your breathing down for me?”

But the last comment wasn’t necessary, as Elise had begun to calm immediately after knowing she hadn’t been hurt by anyone.

Missy stayed in the chair with Elise until the sun started peeking through the windows. Rob hadn’t asked, and neither had Elise for that matter. But Missy knew if she could do anything to help, she would.

--

Missy stayed the morning with Elise, and made breakfast for Rob before he left for work. Missy didn’t have to be in for a couple more hours, and had a short shift today. She knew she could catch up on her sleep later on.

This morning, Elise was still skittish and startled easily, though she had almost no memory of the nightmare she had endured hours before. The only thing she remembered for sure was the blood, and she was grateful that it had stopped by now. There were a few little scratches on her temple, and some larger ones on her back, that had bled through her pajamas. But she was glad no one pointed those out to her last night.

A headache nagged her, as it almost always did after a nightmare, and she half-heartedly ate some breakfast. What Missy made was more fun than the piece of toast Elise usually ate, but it didn’t make her any hungrier. She picked at the strawberry poptart, and broke it in half so she could eat the frosting and leave the edges.

It was hard to have school to worry about now, on top of everything else. She had rejoined her class as a junior, but had lost a significant amount of academic ability. Elise had endured only a couple days of school so far, and already she was convinced it would go down in history as the most humiliating time in her life.

She used to get all As. Now, she wasn’t even taking a math class, and was struggling to cope with the B- she’d received on a fairly easy English paper. Even with Belle’s help, it didn’t earn Elise the grade she wanted. Belle had typed the paper for Elise relatively quickly, knowing it wasn’t fair to ask her to do so, when she still was weak on one side, and sometimes still had trouble identifying letters right away. Elise was aware that her handwriting was still pretty atrocious - so much so that she had to translate the paper to Belle, so she knew what to write. Elise knew if she handed in the paper as it was, it would have earned an F.

Belle had been patient, though, and pointed out simple punctuation mistakes or corrected spelling. She didn’t change the content, and Elise had been proud of the paper, until it came back with a B-.

That didn’t mean Rob wasn’t proud. Elise had shown him the paper, and he had promptly ignored all her criticisms and hung the essay on the refrigerator.

She still spent time in rehab every week, though now, a therapist worked with her at home, which was easier on everyone than commuting. Elise also spent time in the special room at school which was set off in a separate hallway, so she could feel extra stupid, getting remedial help with subjects that had been the most severely effected. Elise spent an hour working on painfully simple math, getting help defining the numerous words she needed to know for a history test.

“Are you comin’?” Missy asked, knowing if she let Elise wallow in her school woes anymore, she would be late.

Elise sighed and got up from the table. She made a quick trip to the bathroom to check her hair and brush her teeth and then they were off.

On the way, Elise thought of how different her life had become just in a matter of months.

True, it wasn’t great all the time - like yesterday, when her mom decided to call and upend things for her. But by and large, things were better.

Now, instead of living in fear all the time, she was living with Robby. She had better friends now than she could ever recall having before - even when she was little. She had Kylie in her life, which was awesome. She had faith, which before now, was something as elusive and scary as a bedroom shadow.

She was going to church, and learning the Bible, and the importance of prayer and the love of God. Kylie prayed for her each night, before she left, and talked about spiritual things so often that now it was common.

On boring days, Kylie would read passages of scripture, or point out an unexpectedly funny verse that she had never seen before to Robby, who always enjoyed himself hearing about kings who were very fat, and the gross stuff like getting stabbed all the way through their fat, and having the fat close around the blade of whatever weapon was used.

Elise had prayed the salvation prayer with Kylie weeks earlier. She had known about salvation since she was a child, but never realized it was something to be claimed. When the truth set in, Elise decided to take Kylie up on one of her many invitations to pray. She asked Robby to be there, too, and be a witness to the step she was taking, and he had done so.

It was a Friday night, and nothing remarkable had happened during the day - Elise just decided to say yes, finally feeling like she had enough knowledge to make an informed decision. She repeated the prayer after Kylie, but the words were her own. Now, each night, she prayed that her brother would make the same choice, wishing for him the same freedom she was experiencing.

Elise hadn’t announced her salvation, but a change had begun in her. Though it was gradual, it was evident. At Kylie’s urging, Elise had started picking up the Bible Kylie left behind on her own. Elise read Psalms - drawn to them because of owning Alex’s Bible for a short time - and seeing all the little comments around those verses. Elise read them because they were easy to understand, and because they looked like poetry.

She read Psalm 27 every day - if she read nothing else, she read that, needing the constant reminder of the truth that she didn’t have to be afraid. And once, at Micah’s, when he’d caught Elise reading her favorite chapter, he pointed her to a different psalm - Psalm 91 - which also gave her comfort and strength, knowing that God looked out for her and protected her when she felt unsafe or threatened - which was still pretty often.

Missy pulled up the car to the curb in front of school and waited, as Elise opened the door and got out. She looked calm and even happy. Missy offered up her own prayer of thanks for this sweet change - and that there were no reminders of the horrible night Elise had endured.

Somewhere in the brief trip from the apartment to school, Elise had transformed. Missy smiled, feeling sure she must have thought on something pretty amazing to cause Elise to walk inside, with her head up, and with a confidence Missy hadn’t seen before.