My life and my heart…from walls to shambles, from concrete to silk…
- January Johnson
Alex finally felt ready. She was still far from recovered, but she had a voice, and intended to use it. She wasn’t just going to sit back and let her friends be stolen by apathy.
She stood, knowing she had to address the room before she lost her nerve. Her voice was still weak, and slightly hoarse, from disuse and surgery, but she was determined.
“Mikhail,” she said quietly. “I have something, can you ask them to listen?” Alex said, her nerves showing in that brief time.
“Okay, everyone. Our friend Sasha have something to share. Please show her respect.” Mikhail requested, barely raising his volume.
Silence fell. Alex stood there, her eyes moving from face to face, as tears built within her. “Oh, God…” she begged. Panic started, at such a vulnerable show of emotions, when she had planned on giving them a tongue-lashing of sorts.
“We can’t do this. We can’t live like belief is just a word in our vocabulary. Our belief in God should show in how we live, and it hasn’t been.” Tears fell and Alex felt so helpless but she couldn’t stop now. “I just want to say that this isn’t about me. Honestly, it would have been nice to have more support during this time I was going through, but it wasn’t necessary. It’s not about Elise or Rob or Kylie or Jared. It’s about all of us.”
Rob met her gaze slowly. He didn’t know what she had in store to say, but he did know he was going to listen.
“We all have crap going on. I get that. But we can’t fight our own battles, you know? We can’t just come together once a week and bond over superficiality. That’s what this group has become. We use Bible Study as an excuse to socialize with each other, and inside we’re drowning. If we’re lucky, one Belle or Elise or Kylie steps up and helps us through our time of need. But that isn’t enough. We need to be there for each other. We need to bear one another’s burdens. We need to start living like a belief is more than just something we hold. But something that shows outside of church’s four walls.”
Beside Alex, Gabe reached for her hand, but she pulled back. She had to do this.
Her voice broke. “This isn’t just some person in the sky we serve. He’s my Father. He gave His life for me. And He’s been there for me every step of the way. If I love God like I say I do, then I can’t let this go on. If you’ve gotta get right, then I challenge you to do that. As far as I’m concerned, Bible Study can wait. This takes priority. If you need forgive someone then I challenge you to go to that person and humble yourself enough to do that. This is serious. Loving someone isn’t an obligation, it’s a gift. If you’ve meant to show someone you love them, but haven’t because it scares you, what are you waiting for?”
Alex waited. Eyes watched her still. And then, slowly, she saw them come to life around her.
Belle was the first to stand, stepping through the maze of people until she stood in front of the one she needed to get real with.
Alex.
Belle stood before her, eyes shining with unshed tears. “I’m sorry I didn’t stay…” she apologized, her voice labored. Not saying more, Belle opened her arms, and Alex fell into it so gratefully.
For a time, they just stood there, Belle rubbing Alex’s back, and giving her the support she should have given her weeks ago in the hospital.
When she pulled back, Belle could see tears shimmering in Alex’s eyes.
“It really helps to know that.” Alex admitted. “Especially since I know it was hard for you to go, and see me like that. It means a lot that you’d put yourself in that position for me.”
“It just scared me,” Belle sighed, “But I still feel like I should have stayed and been there for you, since a lot of us weren’t.”
“It’s okay.” Alex smiled. “Really.”
--
Missy sat stunned on the couch. Unashamed, she wept, too, asking for forgiveness from God before daring to approach anyone. Her heart hurt at her own indifference and disgust. Taking a deep breath, Missy stood.
One by one, she gathered those she had offended most deeply, and took them away from the action. At the kitchen table, she looked at their faces. She swore the grief at her actions would swallow her before she had the chance to speak a word. But she had promised God. So slowly, she began to speak.
“Rob,” she looked at him directly. He didn’t look away. “I want to apologize to you. Not once did I even ask your name. I know that my attitude about all I have to deal with has offended you, since no one bothered to ask what you might be dealing with. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t care to ask. I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to give you the apology you deserve. I can’t speak for everyone, but I know I’m glad you’re here.”
Surprised that she even remembered she had offended him, Rob nodded. He wished only that her apology had came sooner, and that he could guarantee that with it, he could see proof that she wouldn’t treat him the same anymore. But he didn’t voice any of his concerns, seeing by the look on Missy’s face that she still had apologies to make.
Missy barely paused before continuing. “Elise, I need to ask your forgiveness,” Missy admitted, shame rising to color her cheeks. “I…I judged you. When Kylie asked if she could bring you and your brother, I judged you right away. I know you felt that, and I had no right to do it. You’re a strong young woman, and I’m glad you came. I’m glad you haven’t stopped. Because if you had, I would miss the chance to get to know you.”
From across the table, Elise had broken. Never imagining anyone would single her out to apologize – not thinking herself worthy of the effort. But here was Missy, doing just that, and so honestly. Elise nodded, not able to do much more.
Instinctively, Rob got up then, before Missy got to Kylie. Following suit, Elise rose too, leaving them alone.
“Kylie…” Missy spoke gently. “I owe you such an apology. We were so close a while back, and I know I just left you to yourself. But I also wanted to say something to you. Thank you for keeping my hope alive.”
Kylie squinted, her eyes bright, wondering what Missy could mean.
“Watching you serve Rob and Elise like you have – I mean, not even watching you, just knowing you’re doing it… That has kept my faith strong, when I saw us falling apart as a group. You gave me hope that it could be done. The Christian life can be lived. The only thing I regret is that you did so much of it by yourself.” Missy said sincerely.
“I know you didn’t mean anything by it,” Kylie reassured, “But it hurt me. We used to be close, and now we’re like strangers. And I don’t know if we can get that back. Or even if we should desire to have it.”
--
Feeling strangely empty, Kylie returned to claim her seat, ignoring the fact that Bible study had unofficially ended, and people were descending on the kitchen. People milled around her, and she saw Alex had a whole line of people waiting to talk to her. She smiled.
Julia came and sat across from Kylie. “Hey,” she greeted easily.
“Hey,” Kylie returned, suddenly a little wary at Julia’s sudden appearance, and desire to talk.
“I just wanted to let you know that I do care about you. I was there when Rob had his moment thing and he said a couple things involving you. It kind of gave me the impression that you think we don’t care about you. I just wanted to let you know that I do care about you. I don’t agree with your lifestyle, but I care about you…” Julia sat, waiting.
“You talk like I’m living sinfully,” Kylie started, her guard going up further.
Julia studied her. “I think you’re lowering your standards. And I think that if you honestly believe that a non-Christian guy is God’s best for you then you’ve got a few things to figure out. You’re not his wife, and you’re no one’s mother; you don’t have to live like it.”
“I thought that was supposed to be an apology.” Kylie spoke quietly, keeping her own rarely exhibited temper in check – well aware that Elise was around.
“I just wanted to point out that I care. It was never an apology, because I don’t believe I have anything to apologize for. That’s my conviction. I don’t have a reason to apologize for it.”
“I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree,” Kylie said simply, though her cheeks burned at the blatant insult and attack on her character.
And without another word, Julia rose and went to the kitchen to join the rest of the people enjoying each other’s company.
Kylie knew that not everybody would come around, but it was still hard to experience, especially at the hands of a friend. Instead of lashing out, or leaving, Kylie stayed put. She knew not everyone shared Julia’s view, but it stung that she had to hear it, especially under the guise of an apology.
She glanced across the room where she saw Alex and Kenzie trading fashion accessories. Alex was moving her hair aside, so Kenzie could secure her newest purchase around Alex’s neck. It was nothing more than a farmer-red bandanna, but Alex loved it, and wanted to try it on.
Kylie watched as Kenzie took such care securing the bandanna around Alex’s neck, not wanting to hurt her, or aggravate the portion it that sported a nasty bruise and incision. It made Kylie wonder if other kinds of pain – emotional wounds – could manifest themselves in such a startling way whether or not people’s reactions to her would have been different.
But it didn’t matter now. No matter how many ways she tried to rationalize Julia’s words, it didn’t matter. Even the knowledge that she had friends that did care about her, and supported her regardless of whose company she was in didn’t take away the sting of rejection. She’d attended church with Julia for a while, and never once did she imagine the younger would end up behaving that way.
Getting up slowly, Kylie found Rob. It wasn’t difficult, considering he hadn’t moved yet either.
She sat beside him, and he immediately looked up from her Bible. “Elise is giving Alex hers back,” he said in explanation.
“I don’t mind,” she shrugged.
Rob set the Bible aside and put an arm around Kylie, relishing this time when they could pretend they were the only two in the room. Actually, at that moment, they were alone, which made it that much better. Rob drew Kylie closer and kissed her temple.
“I love you,” he told her, looking right into her eyes. “I know I don’t say it often, but thank you for helping us out. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“You’re sweet,” she complimented, snuggling up to him.
“Oh gross!”
Rob glanced up. He smiled.
“Yes?” he asked seeing his sister there, his own eyes twinkling.
“Could you, like, get a room or something?” she teased.
Rob laughed, the sound warming Kylie’s heart unexpectedly.
“There ain’t nothin’ wrong with this, honey,” Kylie said good-naturedly.
Elise scrunched up her face. “There is if you gotta watch it.”
“We should leave the lovebirds alone, huh?” Andrew kidded, coming up alongside Elise. He took her hand, and called over his shoulder, “Keep it G-rated. There’s children here.”
Elise pulled her hand back, feigning insult. “Who are you calling a child?”
Andrew just laughed, and continued on his way, glad to see Rob and Kylie enjoying each other’s company. They needed the chance to just be there with each other, just like Elise needed the opportunity to simply be seventeen.
--
Jared maneuvered as far as he could get in the mess of people. Finally, he gave up, hoping that if he called, Micah would actually come over to him, and not go the other way.
But Micah heard his name, and immediately turned toward where it was coming from. He jumped over a couple chairs and stood in front of Jared, still full of energy, but strangely serious in his expression.
“Dude, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for being so defensive. I should have probably just asked if you had any questions. But this thing is still new for me, so it didn’t really occur to me until after I blew my top a few times. So, I’m sorry for that.”
“Don’t even,” Micah put his hands up. “I treated you like crap. And I do think of you as a person – even though it didn’t really show…ever.”
Jared waved him off. “Don’t worry about it. I was just like you,” he admitted ducking his head. “I couldn’t be mad at you anymore than I could’ve ever been mad at myself before. But I was way worse than you.”
“Oh, yeah right.” Micah scoffed. “No, it’s cool. Thanks, man.”
--
Once Belle was finished, Gabe took his turn with Alex, letting her know himself, how much he regretted not being there for her when she needed a friend, before and after surgery. He knew his regret meant little, but hoped his sincerity in apologizing meant something to her.
“Alex, I’m sorry. I acted like a jerk, and you deserve better than that. If I made you a promise, I should have been prepared to keep my word, no matter what. And the fact that it’s hard on me shouldn’t even play a part.”
“I know. I didn’t exactly make things easy on you either,” Alex admitted. “I just missed you.”
“You were entitled, trust me.” Gabe squeezed her shoulder.
--
Gabe walked out to the kitchen to pour a cup of coffee and take it to Julia and one for Chris, since the two seemed like pros at simply blending into surroundings. Gabe wanted them to know that they were seen, and that they mattered.
With Gabe gone, Elise timidly approached Alex, not knowing how she would take to her difference of approach. But her anxiety melted away, as Alex embraced her.
“Hey, honey, how are you?” Alex asked sweetly, pulling Elise to sit down next to her.
“I’m fine,” Elise returned automatically. “I just…I don’t have anything to apologize for, but I wanted to give this back.” Elise finally showed what she’d been concealing behind her back.
Alex’s eyes lit up as she saw her Bible. “Oh, thank you! I missed it! Are you sure you don’t want it anymore?”
Elise shook her head. “Kylie lets me use hers whenever I want.”
--
Kylie’s Bible was also never far from Rob. Little did anyone know, ever since Alex had lent them hers, Rob had taken to using up every free moment to reading it. He had learned passages, and could quote a couple small ones by memory. But he remembered coming across one that seemed like it captured the essence of what Alex had been trying to say, and from his spot on the carpet, Rob began quoting it, in his voice that seldom rose above a whisper:
“Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.
“The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.”
Rob glanced up and saw Elise. For a brief moment Rob saw her as his memory would always see her. At sixteen, in the dress she’d worn only twice. Except now, he looked back with fullness of perspective. He not only saw her beauty, but her pain. Rob could see every bruise on her arms and legs, and hear every excuse she gave. As always, Rob blinked. He looked at his sister now.
From across the room, Rob saw her being entertained once again by Andrew, and his ability to always make her laugh. In that moment Rob let himself take in everything. The short hair that incessantly poked up through the top layer, since Elise had decided to start wearing her hair up, her never-ending cute outfits, that she managed to put together despite their limited budget. But most of all, for the first time he could recall, Elise looked truly happy.
And for the first time, he didn’t feel an ache in his heart. Because no longer saw her in terms of all they had lost, but instead, could finally see all they had gained.
It was all reflected in her smile.
--
Jared watched Elise from across the room, and he knew he had to talk to her. He and Rob had already been able to speak with one another – he had gotten to see what kind of man he was, and he knew he needed to afford Elise the same opportunity.
She looked different to him somehow. Jared knew she was more comfortable now than she had been at first, but it was more than that. She looked happier now. She was smiling more – and it was the type of smile that went all the way to her eyes – a genuine show of happiness rather than a shadow.
Elise saw Jared coming, and immediately moved aside, thinking that he wanted to move past her.
“You’re fine,” he allowed. “Actually, can I talk to you?”
Elise nodded, and squinted, unsure of what he could want to talk with her about. She didn’t think they’d ever spoken once. But she went along, curiosity getting the better of her.
Once they were relatively secluded from the noise, Jared found himself at a loss of what he could talk about. Starting a conversation seemed unnaturally difficult, given that they’d never spoken, and he knew nothing about her.
But he was determined. Unlike others in the room, Jared didn’t feel the need to absolve himself of any wrongdoing, but instead, desired to get to know people he hadn’t had the chance to talk to. He hadn’t excluded her, or made a conscious effort not to talk to her, time just never gave the opportunity, and Jared was going to make sure he didn’t let it slip between his fingers. Mainly because he knew you were never guaranteed tomorrow. That was a reality he carried with him, and it made even simple things, like conversation, seem necessary in the here and now.
“So…” Elise started. “How are you?”
“I’m fine,” Jared returned, surprised. “You?”
“Me, too,” she agreed, and smiled. Then, “I saw a lot of people in wheelchairs when I was in the hospital doing rehab.”
She remembered them – most of them had been older than her, and recovering from different brain injuries like strokes. She had watched them silently for weeks, and wished she had their courage. On the days she felt like giving up, Elise would watch the people around her – some more seriously brain injured than herself – and saw that no matter how tough it got, they never gave up. Countless times, Elise had drawn strength from them.
“Yeah?” he asked. Jared didn’t know if the fact that Elise had brought up the topic meant that it was open for discussion.
She nodded. “I was pretty out of it most of the time, but yeah, I saw them there.”
“What did you think?” Jared asked, not able to keep the cynic in him at bay. Just because she seemed to be accepting didn’t mean it was true.
Elise shrugged. “I thought they worked hard,” she offered, not understanding what else he was driving at.
Jared smiled, relaxing again. “Did you work hard?”
“I think so,” Elise admitted, ducking her head. “When I first came, I could barely talk when people talked to me first, and now I'm the one saying stuff first.”
“That’s improvement,” he nodded.
“Was yours hard?” Elise asked, remembering how many days she had come out of hers in tears, not because of pain, but humiliation.
“My rehab? It was pretty hard, yeah. Mostly just relearning stuff. I bet yours was pretty hard,” Jared guessed.
Nodding, Elise explained. “It was like that, too. Just being taught how to say what things are, and my voice still leaves sometimes, so I learned how to deal with that, and figure normal life stuff out like following directions…but it made me feel really stupid.”
“I hear ya,” he sympathized.
“Do you ever get scared when you ride in a car?” Elise wondered, hoping she was being gentle about it.
“Not really…but when there’s a lot going on around me and I’m in a situation where I can’t move around much, then I get kinda scared.”
“Yeah. I was just wondering. Sometimes little things like that don’t seem so little. I have things like that too.” Involuntarily, she shuddered.
Reaching out, Jared took her hand and squeezed it. He didn’t let go.
“I figured,” he answered sincerely. “You looked like you were scared all the time the first time I came.”
“I was.”
“But you’re not now?”
“Not as much.” She squeezed his hand back.
“That’s good.”
“You remind me of Robby,” Elise confided seriously.
“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Jared smiled. “Your brother’s a good guy. He was my legs at the hay ride.”
“He’s everything to me,” she whispered – still not able to believe all he had done for her.
Jared let go of her hand. “Do you have a relationship with God?”
Elise was quiet, for once not because of her speech going, but because she had no idea how to answer. “Um, probably not, since I don’t know what you mean,” she deduced finally.
“I mean, do you pray? Do you talk to God like these guys do?” he gestured widely to indicate the majority of the room.
“No, but I’ve been reading the Bible,” she offered, wanting to tell him something at least.
That much was true. She had made it her goal to familiarize herself with Kylie’s Bible so that she could understand what things were being said. Whenever Kylie came over now, they rarely discussed anything outside spirituality. Elise’s curiosity was unquenchable, and she desired to know more, to push the envelope. Her secondary goal, aside from learning the Bible was to stump Kylie. To ask a question that she didn’t know the answer to. But so far, that hadn’t happened. Kylie was steadfast in her pursuit of answers for Elise – and also, privately, for Rob.
Jared raised his eyebrows. “That’s good.” He paused. “Do you think you ever might accept Jesus as your Savior?” he asked plainly.
Silent, Elise considered it. “I might,” she allowed. “I think I’d have to give it more thought. I’m not just going to jump into something blind.”
“Right,” Jared nodded. “That’s smart.”
Elise felt her heart jump. Of all the things she’d overheard people describe her as over the months, smart was never one of them. She was pleased.
The last year of her life she had been referred to as unintelligent. Her mom had never countered any of his opinions, so Elise grew to accept it as truth. But now, someone had finally told her something different. Jared had told her she was smart. And she actually felt proud.
“Kylie talks to me about God, though. Even before she brought us, she talked to me about Him. I don’t know if she talked to Robby, but she talked to me, and told me that He was with me, and He would always be with me to help me through hard times. She told me that if someone accepts Him, like you’re saying, then they get His righteousness in place of their sin, or something like that.”
“Yeah, if you repent of your sin, and stuff, I think that’s true.” Jared agreed, surprised that she had apparently paid so much attention to Kylie.
“Do you mind if people tell you they’ve been praying for you?” Jared shifted in his seat and waited.
“No,” Elise was surprised.
“Good, because I have.”
--
The following week, they gathered at Micah’s for the last time before the holidays. Thanksgiving was the next week, and they had agreed not to meet then.
There wasn’t an obvious change when they all came together, but something more intangible that was different now. No one person sat down and declared themselves the leader that night.
Instead, Julia, usually so quiet people forgot she was there volunteered something. “I know this probably sounds really stupid, but could we maybe each say what we’re thankful for tonight?”
The memory hit Rob full force again, and he wasn’t sure how much more he could take. Even with the recent peace of mind he had experienced, it was going to take time to fully stick. His latest revelation hadn’t been pleasant to recall, and he didn’t want to see the two versions of his sister. The Thanksgiving version who was happy and the sister he remembered, and the Christmas version who was deceptive and constantly hurt.
Thanksgiving and Christmas had somehow merged in his mind, to become one and the same. The idea that the first holiday was just around the corner meant little to Rob. Everything was combined, and the feeling of guilt still rested on top, weighing him down more than he thought anything could.
He rose, and all eyes turned toward him, no doubt thinking he would be the first to volunteer what he was grateful for. But he couldn’t think past the image in his head, now, of Elise in the hospital bed by herself
Pushing his way out the back door, Rob heard it slamming shut behind him and was glad. The cold air stung as he breathed it in, making his eyes tear, but he didn’t care. But the weather outside only made his memories more pronounced. He had grown to hate the holidays so much that he was sure he would be buying an artificial tree. It just would be better if the thing wasn’t real. It fit his state of mind. He felt sure he was crazy, or that everything was just a dream and he’d wake up and Elise would be fine, but he knew in his heart that it was reality.
He paced. He tried to block out all of Kylie’s words – all the things she accepted as truth, and spoke to comfort him - but they came anyway, overwhelming him.
Rob had done nothing in his free moments except immerse himself in his girlfriend’s Bible, learning passages, making quiet calls to Kylie in the middle of the night and asking her if she really believed all that was in this book to be truth. Every time and unwaveringly, she told him she did, and she told him why.
Of all the passages that stuck out to Rob, one kept coming back to mind. He had reread it countless times after Kylie had pointed it out and read it aloud. The heading was Invitation to the Thirsty, and she had told him that she always thought of him when she read the words.
Now, no matter how many times he read the passage for himself Rob always heard Kylie’s sweet, accented voice. It was no different now, recalling it from memory.
"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live. I will make an everlasting covenant with you, my faithful love promised to David. See, I have made him a witness to the peoples, a leader and commander of the peoples. Surely you will summon nations you know not, and nations that do not know you will hasten to you, because of the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, for he has endowed you with splendor."
Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near. Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on him,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the LORD’s renown, for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed."
Rob wished he could just forget everything and not have to live with such overwhelming guilt, and at the same time he felt deserving of its weight on him. Elise was his sister, and he should have been more watchful. He should have paid more attention earlier on, and stopped it all from happening. He should have whisked her out of that house the minute he suspected trouble,
But that was the problem. He hadn’t even suspected it.
--
Elise watched from inside the kitchen door. Her breath fogged up the glass making Robby look like an illusion. After hedging inside for several minutes, Elise finally couldn’t wait anymore and went out to stand beside him.
Keeping her eyes straight ahead, Elise spoke quietly. “Did I ever tell you the dream I had?”
“No.” His tone was heavy, and she knew he was trying to mask his sadness.
“The one I had after you came back from they hay ride and you woke me up?” she prompted.
Rob shook his head, shoving his hands in his pockets.
“It wasn’t a bad dream. It was the first regular dream I had, since I came to live with you.” Elise spoke gently into the dark, as if sharing the secret with everyone and no one.
Rob shifted, interested now, but unable to show it.
“I dreamt that you were a super hero, and you swooped in and saved me from all the other crap that was going on. You even had a cape, and you were doing all those flips I was learning in gym,” she confided.
Rob turned and for the first time, looked her in the face. At her words, he felt the guilt being lifted, he kept staring at her, but she was lost in thought.
When she spoke again Rob felt all his blame dissipating completely:
“I felt so safe in your arms…”
--
Mikhail found himself amongst many hungry kids after Rob left. He felt strongly that everyone should be present if they were going to give thanks in this way, so he encouraged them to take a break. He stopped beside a bowl of chips.
“How you call this?” he picked up a Dorito, and waited for explanation.
“What do I call it? I call it mine,” Micah walked by and snatched it, crunching loudly.
Chris snagged Micah by the back of the shirt. “You oughta know better than takin’ food that ain’t yours,” he chastised jokingly, putting an arm around Micah’s neck in a headlock.
“Mikhail,” Gabe called, grinning. He held up another. “Dorito.”
Looking confused, Mikhail shook his head.
“It’s a chip,” Gabe clarified, laughing.
“Where our new friends? Kylie, would you like to find them for us?” Mikhail asked.
But, as it turned out, there was no need for a search party. Both Rob and Elise came in then, red-cheeked from the cold. They looked around at all the guys in the kitchen, and the silence that had suddenly fallen when they came in. But Micah quickly broke the awkward moment.
“To the living room!” he bellowed, Coke in hand, and everyone obediently followed after him.
--
Once they were settled, Alex took the uncomfortable silence that fell as an opportunity to get things rolling. “We could just do the ABC’s,” she offered. “I mean, if people aren’t ready to tell the whole room what we’re grateful for, we could just tell God.” She turned in the general direction where Rob, Elise and Jared were. “I don’t know if y’all are familiar with this, but it’s just a unique way to praise God. Like, if the letter is A, you could thank Him for accepting us, or something like that.” Alex left the explanation at that, not wanting to draw too much attention to the fact that some of them hadn’t been present for a lot of the time.
“So, what letter?” Kenzie asked.
“I think we can do any letter,” Alex decided. “Because if we don’t do that I was gonna pick X,” she teased.
“What do we thank Him for then, X-Men?” Jared wondered sarcastically.
Mikhail put his hands up to stop the laughter. “Okay, let’s bow our heads.”
Immediately, Alex’s voice was heard. It was hoarse and strained, but, she grinned, knowing it was working.
“God, I thank You for Your grace.”
“Lord, I thank You that You were human, and felt real emotions,” Belle prayed sincerely.
Andrew took a breath and began. “Father, I thank You for giving up Your life for us, even though we don’t deserve it.”
“Lord, thank You for uniting us,” Kylie prayed simply.
Then, Elise took a breath, feeling Kylie squeeze her hand. “Thank You for waiting.” Jared reached over and rubbed her back.
Rob sighed, figuring he ought to go next. “Thank You…for making the Bible so interesting.”
“Any request?” Mikhail asked quietly, wondering if anyone had anything they needed prayer for.
There was silence.
“Lord, thanks for letting us come together this way. Be here with us tonight.” Mikhail finished simply.
“So how are you doin’, Alex?” Jared asked, curiosity getting the better of him.
Alex stood up, feeling giddy. “Oh man, I can’t believe I haven’t told everybody! I got the results back the other day…I’m clean, there’s no cancer.”
She looked around. Everywhere, someone smiled back at her, genuinely happy. And out of the corner of her eye, Alex saw someone getting to her feet.
Elise stepped carefully around Jared, and stood in front of Alex, her arms open.
Laughing, Alex drew Elise to her, and held on. “You are such a sweetheart,” she whispered, hoping Elise knew as much.
“I’m just glad you’re okay,” Elise returned, squeezing Alex tighter.
Mikhail sat forward. “I have something I want for all of you to do,” he began. The idea had just come to him, but it wasn’t out of character for him to change plans or come up with them out of the blue.
Every face stared at him curiously, as he pulled a notebook from his collection of things, and started tearing pages from it. “I want for everyone to write me letter.”
“About what?” Belle asked, already intrigued.
“Whatever you want to tell. A little about yourself if you’re new person. Something God showed you or something you learn. I don’t care what you write. Just do this. I like mail,” he smiled widely.
The room was silent, as papers were filled with thoughts from each heart.
It wasn’t until hours later that Mikhail could sit down with the pile, and began to read, a Russian-English dictionary in one hand, and the first letter in the other:
--
Mikhail,
My name’s Rob. I’m 24. I live in the apartments with my sister Elise, and Kylie’s in my building. I went to church growing up, but haven’t gone much until now. Kylie asked if I wanted to start coming here. I didn’t like it much at first, since I thought all the people would be like Kylie and they weren’t, but it’s turned out okay. Things have been kind of rough for my family. I’m taking care of Elise, and dealing with a lot right now that I didn’t ever see for myself, or for my future. I blamed myself for a long time about things that have happened, from my dad’s death when I was a teenager, to my sister getting beat months back. I thought all those things were my fault. I still feel a sense of responsibility for Elise. She’s the only family I have aside from Kylie. But I guess I’m finally starting to come to terms with everything. Elise doesn’t blame me, so why am I blaming myself, you know? Anyway, I’m gonna stop. ‘Cause I’m pretty sure this is way more than you ever wanted to know…
Later,
Rob
--
Things I’ve Learned.
I’m worth more than I thought
God is there for me whenever I’m ready
That I can rise above everything that’s held me down.
Elise
--
Mikhail,
No matter what God tells you to do, follow through on it. No matter how crazy it sounds. If it’s “Go talk to that girl,” when you’re at the Laundromat waiting for your clothes to dry, and “See her as I see her.” Whether it’s living like a mother and a wife before I have the title. Whether it’s “Let people help you,” or “Teach them the Word.” You do what you have to do, if it’s what God says.
God’s got control of my life. That’s not just a saying, that’s my reality. I never thought that at this point in my life, I’d be where I am, both good and bad. But I know God’s got a purpose for what I’m going through, and regardless of if I can see it or not, I’m walking in it. I don’t care how many people look down on me, or how tired I get. This is the only life I got, and maybe, the only Jesus the people I come in contact with will see is the one living in me.
That girl with the bruises around her eyes… That boy who’s older than his years... These are God’s children, too. He’s called us to step up for them. Not just in the way of, I’m sorry that happened, but actually stepping up, starting a conversation, saying hello. That’s what’s important. Letting the lost know it’s all right, that someone cares for them. Someone cares for them as human beings. That’s what God’s asking of me, and that’s what I’m doing.
Kylie
--
Dear Mikhail,
Thank you for letting us go through the things we needed to in order to grow. It can’t have been easy, as the leader, to watch us pull each other down, and figure out how to be a group. It’s difficult to come face to face with things like one’s own selfishness, but it’s also necessary. If I hadn’t been confronted with my own behavior, I would have never realized what I was doing to the people I was around. In short, I guess, I learned to listen more, and speak less. A simple lesson, but one worth learning – even if it meant all this.
Missy
--
I’m learning that sometimes, people don’t embrace the fullness of life God has for them, and that there’s nothing I can really do about it…
In Christ,
Julia
--
“So, then, putting away falsehood, let all of us speak the truth to our neighbors, for we are members of one another. Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not make room for the devil. Thieves must give up stealing; rather let them labor and work honestly with their own hands, so as to have something to share with the needy. Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with which you were marked with a seal for the day of redemption. Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving of one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.” – Ephesians 4:25-32
Chris
--
Looking out for number one is a pretty lonely state of mind. If I make a promise, I should make it with the intent to keep my word. Because I’m not just breaking my word to that other person and to myself, I’m breaking a promise to God, in a way. Because if I care enough about someone to actually make a vow to do something, then it’s because God has led me to it.
So, I’m promising now, to be a keeper of my word.
Other than that I’m doing pretty well. I only hope my friends can realize that I never wanted to be that kind of man. God called me to a higher standard than that, and I intend to live up to it.
Sincerely,
Gabe
--
Mikhail,
I don’t really know what you want to know. You’ve known me forever. I’m more your peer than your student.
I’m struggling, but I know you can tell. I’m not living the life. Not because I don’t want to, but because if I’m gonna do something, I’m gonna do it all the way. I don’t want to be wasting time putting on a false front of holiness. I’d rather just be who I am. If I’m struggling then so be it. At least I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not. I guess I’m saying that I’m content. I’d rather be an honest man than a liar. This is where I am. Take it or leave it.
Micah
--
Mikhail (our faithful leader):
This is Alex, in case you couldn’t tell by the chicken-scratch writing. I hate it when people write a whole letter and you don’t know who’s saying it until the end and then you have to go back and reread the whole thing. Don’t you hate that?
Anyway. As you probably could tell from my big announcement thing the time before this, God has been showing me loads of things. Mainly, that belief isn’t just a state of mind, it’s a state of heart. Like, I’ve heard so many times that a belief is “something that you hold.” But it’s so much more than that.
Having Elise, and Jared and Rob here has really done something in me. Because I’ve seen our true colors through that time. There are so many times when our belief is just something that we hold, and not something that we live out. Three new people came in our group. That’s an awesome thing! And yet for the majority of us, we either didn’t notice, or it was an inconvenience.
I’ve also been taught a lot about myself. I’ve been taught never to take anything for granted – even something as small as my voice. Writing this letter takes me back to days when I was reduced to gestures and notes to let people know what I thought or what I needed. But God was faithful to me. He not only returned my voice, but my health. And I haven’t stopped thanking Him for it yet.
Alex
--
I’ve learned that to stand out, you don’t need a crazy costume, you just need yourself, and some guts to stand up.
Kenzie
--
Mikhail,
I had to ask somebody how to spell that – your name’s a trip, dude.
I pretty much let you know a lot about myself when I came. So, I’m not sure if there’s more I should be saying or not. I haven’t really been talking to God much. But I was kind of an ass before this thing came and knocked me on mine. I’m kind of starting to see that God didn’t do this to me, but He might have a thing or two to teach me through it.
You’ve got a great thing here. Hang onto it.
Thanks,
Jared
--
To Mikhail,
For a long time I didn’t think it was right to show anything other than a smile. But that’s changed. I know it seems like a small thing, but it’s much bigger than that. I never felt like I could show my true self. I hid my upset and my hurt for a long time, because I thought I’d be rejected.
Seeing Alex in the hospital was too much for me and I fell apart. But Andrew and Jared were there for me. They wouldn’t let me hide, and they made me show the truth of what I was feeling. It was really scary but it was what I needed honestly. Then, I talked to Missy, and she told me the story of Jesus and Lazarus and how it’s not wrong to cry over someone, because grief is another expression of love. I never knew that before.
So, really, I’ve learned to be okay with myself. The beauty within me isn’t found in my name or my smile, but in my willingness to show all of my emotions not just the happy ones. God taught me that.
Thanks for asking about us. It means a lot.
Love,
Belle
--
Mikhail,
Sometimes, it’s the little things God needs done that reap the biggest reward. The things we do without thinking about it. The good we do, but don’t talk about. Those are the things that God turns into greater good than we can imagine. I used to feel pretty useless being the kid in the back who did the funny voices. Until God revealed to me that I didn’t have to go on a mission trip, or feed hungry people to make a difference. I can make a difference just by using what He gave me. Whether it’s the spending money in my pocket or my impersonating skills. God has taken my little bit of spending money, and turned it into a meal… He’s taken my Dean Martin impression and turned it into a smile. Those things might be little to me, but they mean so much more to someone else, whose life has been dark for a while. If I can shine even a little bit of my light into that darkness, it’s not dark anymore, and that person’s not alone. That’s what this life is all about.
Andrew
No comments:
Post a Comment