Belief: Chapter 8

My passions were all gathered together like fingers that made a fist. Drive is considered aggression today; I knew it then as purpose.
- Bette Davis

Alex sat restlessly in the hospital bed. She had asked her parents not to be there, and didn’t know yet if she would later regret the decision. Instead she prayed for God to be there with her, so she didn’t feel so afraid. She asked Him to let her friends call, at the number she had distributed earlier that morning.

Her stomach growled, and Alex grimaced. She hated being hungry almost more than the surgery that loomed in a few hours. Her parents had made sure she was settled, and were planning on staying in the waiting room until the operation was finished. Alex was fine with that, so long as they didn’t decide to visit.

She didn’t know why she felt it so necessary to not have her parents there. She knew they wanted to be there, and comfort her, but she wouldn’t tolerate it. Alex had grown so frustrated, it had almost manifested to anger.

There was a possibility of losing her voice, and that caused such a deep indignation to stir up in her, that Alex became determined to seek God continually. He had a plan for her life, and she felt sure she knew it. Never once did Alex see the plan playing itself out leaving her voiceless. She’d been praying Psalms repeatedly since she’d gotten to the hospital and in the car on the way there. Psalm 23, Psalm 27, Psalm 91 – all of them assuring her that no harm would come to her. If she had been a superstitious person, there would have been rabbits feet, four leaf clovers and any other good luck charm she could think of.

Finally giving up on the thought that anyone would think to call her before they went to school, Alex slid her headphones on, and lost herself in her first love – music.

But the phone did ring. Luckily, Alex had the volume turned down sufficiently instead of blasting it like she’d wanted to.

Alex cleared her throat. “Hello?” she asked.

“Hey, you’re still there,” returned Chris, sounding relieved.

“I go back in a little bit,” she confided.

Chris waited, and finally managed the courage to ask what he wanted to know, “So what are you having surgery on?”

“Oh, you don’t know?” she asked, surprised.

“Nope.”

“I have a node thing on my thyroid, and they can’t tell if it needs to be taken off or not, so they’re taking it off anyway, just to be safe.” She sighed, “But it could really mess up my voice.”

“Really.” Chris stated, sounding almost comical in his concern for her.

“Yeah. It pisses me off…” she spat angrily. “This stupid thing is not gonna take my voice!” she insisted. Alex felt herself falling apart, and tried to fight it. “It can’t… Singing’s all I ever wanted to do…and I know God wants me to do it.”

Chris spoke quietly, “Then don’t worry about it. You know God’s not gonna bring you into anything He can’t bring you out of.”

“Okay, I need to go.” Alex hung up before Chris could say anything more.

--

Alex squeezed her eyes shut against the fluorescent lights above her head, wishing she could have had some kind of sedative before this point. She was so antsy. The nurses and anesthesiologist carried on bright conversations, trying to distract her, but only one thing remained in Alex’s mind, as it had all morning – quoting the Psalms. So she continued reciting excerpts and praying that God would, as Chris had promised, bring her through…and bring her through with a voice.

In the operating room, her recitation grew rushed as she saw them prepare to put her under. Hurriedly, she got in the last bit of scripture that came to her mind, whispering it fervently.

“Listen, God, I'm calling at the top of my lungs: "Be good to me! Answer me!" When my heart whispered, "Seek God," my whole being replied, "I'm seeking Him!"

Then, everything went black.

--

Alex opened her eyes feeling like no time had passed since she had been anesthetized. But immediately, she felt pain in her neck, and tears sprung to her eyes. Instinctively, she brought her hand up, to try and draw some attention to the fact that she hurt, knowing already, that she shouldn’t try to speak.

For the next several minutes she wasn’t aware of very much except that she was moving into another room. She felt absolutely drugged, and amazingly, it seemed to have no affect at all on the incredible pain in her neck.

Within minutes, she was asleep, hoping secretly that her parents would come in.

--

That night, Rob walked warily into Micah’s. He knew he could have very well made half a dozen enemies, and wasn’t looking forward to coming. Kylie, on the other hand, expected it, and Elise had started to really like coming, enjoying the time she got to spend with Belle, Andrew, and Alex, when she was there.

This week, she wasn’t. It was a well known, if little discussed fact that today was Alex’s surgery. The majority of them had woken up with messages on their cell phones from a bored Alex, at an unspeakably early hour. Rob remembered that Kylie had mentioned trying to call the number back, but getting no answer.

As it turned out, Rob shouldn’t have worried. Group was as it had been every time. He was barely acknowledged outside of Kylie or Elise.

He did notice they were short a few people. Chris, Julia, Kenzie and Jared hadn’t shown. Rob listened as they all speculated about where the missing could be and if any of them had called to say they couldn’t make it. There were questions about whether or not any of them had been to see Alex. None had, and Rob doubted any of those not present were visiting either.

--

But someone had ventured to visit Alex. Jared sat, not speaking, near Alex’s bedside. She hadn’t been awake yet, but that was okay, Jared was having a harder time with this than he had expected.

He had come for one reason and one reason only, it wasn’t out of loyalty or obligation – it was simply because he wasn’t afraid of what he would see.

Most people had a fear of the unknown, and a fear of hospitals. To others, hospitals housed the sick and injured – but to Jared, they were like a second home. What he hadn’t counted on was his wandering mind. He hadn’t expected all the sounds and smells to bring about his own memories of confusion and loss.

Jared found Alex’s hand and held it. Immediately, she stirred and opened her eyes.

Alex struggled to identify the figure sitting by her bed. It was dark, and she still felt really out of it. She didn’t smell cologne, so she ruled out Gabe, though she had narrowed it down to a guy, because the hand holding hers was rough.

“Hey,” Jared greeted softly.

Alex squinted, not believing Jared was actually there with her. But there he sat, smiling easily, holding her hand.

She pulled her hand free, and waved awkwardly.

“How you doin’?” he asked, knowing she must be in pain.

She made a face, careful not to turn her head and aggravate her neck.

“It hurts, huh?” Jared asked, stroking the back of her hand.

She mouthed yes, surprised by his gentleness.

“Do you need anything? Want me to call anybody?” Jared asked, trying to keep his tone casual, though it did suck to see his friend in so much discomfort.

Alex just squeezed his hand, not quite knowing what else to do. She was grateful to have him there. And she knew there was really no point to calling up anybody else who wasn’t already here. They obviously didn’t want to be there. Alex closed her eyes, trying to ignore the hurt that realization sparked inside her.

She had thought she had friends she could count on. But when it came down to it she was on her own. No one she expected to be there for her was there. Only Jared. Someone she’d spoken with maybe twice. It was nice to have someone there, but Alex selfishly wished that Gabe would show up, or someone that she knew a little better.

It was so difficult to be in a position where she couldn’t speak. There was so much she wanted to say, and yet she knew it would kill if she tried. At the same time, at least then she’d know she could talk.

“No…” The word wasn’t more than a hoarse whisper. Jared could barely hear it.

Alex regretted her decision right away, and even feared that she might have done some kind of damage. Hurting that much wouldn’t be possible without evoking some kind of consequence.

She shut her eyes, and hoped Jared wouldn’t call her on her stupidity.

But he was quiet. And he stayed – a reassuring presence at her side, while Alex fumbled for the nurse button.

--

Over the next day, people didn’t show up, as Alex had hoped. She had dealt with the pain, all but alone until Jared had returned, this time bringing Andrew and Belle with him.

Alex was elated, but felt her emotions were out of place, especially when she saw Belle.

The girl had gone pasty white, and she didn’t seem to be able to coax herself past the doorway. She looked terrified.

Alex tried to ease her mind, hating to see Belle so upset by this. She gestured her in, mouthing “It’s okay,” and willing her to understand.

“Hey Alex,” Andrew greeted warmly, embracing her in a huge bear hug.

She hugged him back fiercely, hoping to convey how much she had needed that.

“Belle, come on,” Andrew invited, walking back and trying to get his friend in the room.

Meanwhile, Jared made himself at home beside her, mocking the television that was on the relaxation channel.

“This channel, is, like, the most pointless channel known to man,” he exclaimed. “What are you watching this for?” he demanded, a smile pulling at the corner of his lips. “Do you think it’ll actually relax you? It doesn’t.” he insisted.

Alex laughed silently, relieved that Jared had come back to see her when she was feeling a little more like herself.

“Seriously, you gotta change the channel. This one will just make you more stir crazy, and we all know you don’t need that,” Jared reached through the rail on her bed, and tried to grab the remote.

Alex swatted his hand away, grabbing it and turning the television off, preferring Jared’s personality to the TVs drone.

Jared looked over his shoulder and saw that there was still no progress at the door, so he continued with his tirade about the pointlessness of musical television channels. Only when he bored himself did he change topics.

“What’s for lunch today, kiddies?” he asked, lifting the lid on the tray that looked to have sat untouched.

Alex knew he was making fun of the décor. She’d been put in the children’s wing, and what better place? Alex was thrilled to have a room with peach color on the walls and shell wallpaper. It was much more fitting than a stark, boring room that she would have been placed in, if they hadn’t all been full. She smiled at God’s humor, knowing that only He could pull of something as perfect as that.

“Oh disgusting,” Jared quickly replaced the lid, after taking in the unappetizing selection on the plate. “You want some McDonald’s? There’s one around, you’re not on a restricted diet or anything are you?” he wondered.

Alex looked at him witheringly, and then shifted in bed and slapped her thigh. She gave him a long hard look, until he conceded.

“I’ll take that as a no,” he breathed, trying not to laugh.

Quietly, Jared maneuvered around Andrew and Belle and took off to find his friend some fast food.

At the doorway, Belle still hedged. Andrew couldn’t understand it. She could deal with everything. She’d had people mock her for her faith. She’d been to other countries where the people were closed off to hearing the gospel. She’d even been looked down on by friends who presumed her to be fake, and this - seeing Alex in a hospital - was what looked like the last straw.

Andrew had tried the whole time to get Belle to come in. He’d tried to take her out to the waiting room to talk, but she hadn’t moved. She hadn’t spoken either. Belle had just stood there, looking like she might vomit.

Jared returned minutes later with McDonald’s, happily delivering it to Alex, after hiding the bag in his jacket.

At the door, Andrew tried to wait Belle’s strange behavior out.

She looked skittish, and childlike, as if the idea of walking in the hospital room was just too much. Belle felt horrible stalling, but she just couldn’t bring herself into such a vulnerable place. She felt sure that going in there would strip her down to nothing but what she was – just unsure and horribly afraid of failure. Belle prepared to wait it out – to overcome this, just as she had done so many times before.

But nothing changed, and in a matter of seconds, Belle fled.

In seconds, Andrew came to life and went after her, and Jared whispered a quick apology and took off after them both.