Belief: Chapter 9

Grief teaches the steadiest minds to waver.
- Sophocles

Belle pushed past Andrew and ran blindly down a corridor. She finally saw an exit, and prayed it was the same door they came in, though it didn’t much matter at this point. She just needed to get out.

Colors ran together like rain on a painting. Belle heard the soft murmur of voices as she went past. The nauseating stench of the hospital was the worst. In her grief, she had hastily decided that she’d never smelled something more disgusting than the merging of coffee, antiseptic and rubbing alcohol, that seemed to waft everywhere, like a cloud of repugnance.

Her stomach churned and her head spun. She felt shaky, as she searched her coat pocket for her keys. Her hands met the glass of the door, and she was momentarily shocked at how cold the glass was. Behind her, Belle finally heard Andrew’s hurried footsteps closing in.

“Belle!” he called, trying to catch her.

But Jared was already in pursuit. He flew past Andrew and caught up to Belle in the parking lot, snagging her by a leather sleeve.

“Hey,” he spoke sharply, wanting her attention.

“Let go of me,” Belle’s voice was thick, sounding almost foreign to Andrew, who had known her more than half his life…

To Andrew, Belle would eternally be a child of six. That was the age he’d been when he and his family had walked into church the Sunday after they’d moved from New York. Belle had bounded up to him, and introduced herself, as Belle, like in Beauty and the Beast. She had taken his hand, and asked his name. What caught his attention most had been her directness; her childlike honesty.

He had questioned her unabashedly about why people were dancing in church, and she had described as only she could, that they were dancing because they loved Jesus. And she had guided him kindly over to the corner where the other children played, and took hold of a giant flag, which she asked him to help wave. Belle had explained briefly that this particular flag was the best to wave, because lots of people in that flag’s country didn’t know about God yet…

Jared held on. “What’s going on? Talk to me. What is this?” he asked, softening at her upset.

“It’s nothing,” she insisted, “Let go of me!” Tears burned, and Belle found herself terrified of letting them fall.

But the sight of Alex in the hospital room, all laid out in bed, and possibly without a voice was permanently etched in her mind. Anxiety rose in her chest, and she fought it down.

By now, Jared had her by the forearms, and she was pretty sure he wouldn’t let go any time soon. So she did the only thing she could think to do, and struggled for composure.

“I’m fine,” she told him, forcing a smile.

“Look, I may be new, but I’m not stupid. Tell me what’s up,” Jared insisted, still holding on.

Nothing.

“Is it the hospital? Freak you out a little bit?” he tried. If she wasn’t going to give him anything, he’d have to go digging.

Belle shook her head stubbornly, refusing to give in. “It’s not anything, I’m fine. Let go of me. Andrew and I are going,” she said decidedly, pulling away.

Like a rock, Jared’s grip didn’t waver. His eyes remained stoic, reflecting his determination. He could feel his muscles, tense against her struggle. She had a lot of strength for a girl of seventeen. But Jared knew he could outlast her, even in a wheelchair.

Belle closed her eyes, as absolute panic stole her. She had never let herself go this way. It was just better to be happy. To let people think nothing bothered you enough to cry, or get angry. But now Belle was afraid she might fail herself and do both of the things she loathed.

“Let go of me!” she screamed with such intensity that Andrew stepped back.

But Jared remained; his chair firmly braked, and his grip still firm. He saw the keys in her hand, and wasn’t about to let her go, thinking she could drive in a state like this. He just sat watching her, and waiting her out, knowing it was the best thing he could do for her.

Belle pulled, twisted and screamed. She didn’t notice the tears tracking down her cheeks. She just wanted to be released. She didn’t know how much longer she’d be forced to take on her pain this way. She felt shame, and just as quickly, rage bubbled over to take its place.

“Jared, let me go!” she screamed, her voice cracking with stress. “I just wanna leave! Please…” she begged, feeling her legs start to give.

The cold gravel bit into the flesh of her knees, and even then he didn’t let her go.

Suddenly, Belle felt arms around her, embracing her. Without looking, she knew it was Andrew. He was always there, even when she didn’t want him to be.

“No…” she choked, trying to pull away.

“It’s okay…” Andrew whispered, so only she could hear.

Gratefully, Belle leaned back into him, only pull away suddenly a second later, fear gripping her, at her display of weakness.

Jared’s mouth turned down in concern, watching her struggle. He caught Andrew’s eye over her head, and motioned to him, mouthing something.

Finally, Andrew understood.

“Get her off the ground.”

Tenderly, he knelt, helping her to her feet, and at Jared’s nod, turned her slightly, so she was on his lap.

Gently, Jared held her, while Andrew let her lean against him – let her tears soak his shirt.

Time passed, and eventually sounds died down. Tentatively, Jared stroked her hair. “How you doing?” he asked mildly.

Unbeknownst to him, her tears were still falling, as she rested her head against Andrew’s shoulder. “It’s okay,” he whispered again.

He felt her shake her head.

“Yes it is,” he said calmly. “It’s okay to show things.”

Taking that as permission, Belle finally let herself go, as her two pillars of strength wept silently on either side.

--

“So,” Belle began awkwardly, her voice raw from crying. “You think I’m a baby?”

Andrew shrugged. “I cried,” he offered, unashamed, “Do you think I’m a baby?”

“No,” she conceded, her pride still stung after Andrew had insisted on driving them home. Her fingers felt icy, and she looked down to see that her nail beds were blue. She tucked her hands in her pockets, and stared at the muted scenery that flew before her eyes.

“So why would I think less of you?” he asked quietly.

Belle shrugged noncommittally.

Andrew pulled off to the side and stopped, refusing to lose Belle behind the mask she had secured so well in the years they’d known each other. He tugged her hand easily out of her pocket and held it in his own.

“Come on, Belle. Talk to me, please?” he asked, though his tone was already defeated.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” she denied tonelessly, still staring out the window.

“Yes, there is,” he insisted, voice so intense that she turned. “Tell me what upset you.”

Belle toyed with a button on her jacket with her free hand. “It’s nothing… I just… I’d never been in a hospital before,” she explained, shrugging uncomfortably.

Andrew stopped short, the reply he wanted to give remaining stuck in his throat. “Never?”

“Nope.” Instinctively, Belle smiled. “But it’s not a big deal.”

“You’ve never seen a sick person.” Andrew deduced, his tone making it clear that it was a big deal. “And then you saw your friend sick.”

“Yeah,” she continued, “But I mean, it’s done now,” she waved him off, nodding at him to keep driving.

“No,” Andrew countered. “See? Why do you do that? Why do you pretend everything’s okay when it’s not?”

The answer came almost inaudibly. “Because I want it to be.”

“But that’s not real. Right now you’re really hurt over something, but you won’t let anyone help you. It’s not a bad thing to show pain.” Andrew continued, his voice rising with the conviction he felt.

“It is if you’re me,” she said simply.

“Could you at least look at me right now? What are you doing? What is this?” Andrew felt his temper rise, and tried to keep it in check.

She turned, looking him in the eyes, her face a mask again.

“Tell me why it’s not okay to show pain if it’s you,” Andrew encouraged, softer now. He took her hand again, and she squeezed involuntarily.

“It just makes everything worse…I don’t know. People stop liking you. If I ever stopped focusing on other people, and being happy, people forgot about me. They forgot I was even there. It’s the only way to keep people around,” she offered, helplessly. “To keep control, to keep positive, even if you’re dying inside.”

“That’s not true, though. Because you were sad just a little while ago. I was there; Jared was there. We didn’t leave you. I’m still here,” he offered.

Belle bit her lip, trying to keep her tears back. She hated crying.

Andrew noticed her fight for composure. “Just let go. It’s okay. Trust me,” he said quietly.

Hesitantly, Belle leaned toward him. For a moment, she held eye contact, before she averted her gaze again.

Wordlessly, Andrew turned, shifting, and opened his arms. His eyes were alight with compassion, yet reflected her pain in their depths. And just as gradually as their contact had come, Andrew began to sing - the words to Billy Joel’s Lullaby coming naturally to him in her time of need.

“Goodnight my angel, time to close your eyes, and save these questions for another day. I think I know what you've been asking me, I think you know what I've been trying to say. I promised I would never leave you. Then you should always know wherever you may go, no matter where you are, I never will be far away.”

And Belle remained there, captivated by such true acceptance, even in her weakness.

--

That evening, Belle couldn’t hold back, and called Missy. She knew her friend was an adult and was often busy with work and other obligations, but she had to talk to her. Belle had retreated to her car, which sat in the driveway, uncomfortable holding a conversation inside, if her mother was around. Not that her mother would go eavesdropping, but Belle just wasn’t comfortable, especially given the nature of what she had to say.

“Hello?” Missy’s voice answered. She sounded distracted, but Belle plunged ahead anyway.

“Hey, Melissa, it’s Belle,” she added unnecessarily. “Do you have a minute?”

“Yeah, I have a minute, what’s up?” Missy asked, hearing something uncharacteristic in Belle’s voice. She couldn’t quite tell what it was, though.

“Earlier… Well, I just saw Alex at the hospital…” Belle started, already feeling her throat constrict at the memory.

“You did? And how was that?” Missy inquired, setting the laundry she was folding aside, and leaning back on the couch to listen.

Belle fidgeted while she tried to get a hold of herself. “I guess…It was difficult. I totally lost it, Missy.” Belle felt an odd twinge at calling her mentor by her casual name.

“It’s just fine,” Missy assured, able, by now, to tell what Belle was thinking at moments like that. “So, it upset you, huh?” she probed gently.

“In front of Andrew and Jared. I never even made it in the room,” Belle admitted, her tone disgusted.

“Well, honey, Andrew and Jared can handle it,” she reassured, still not all that sure what Belle was upset about.

Belle shivered, and reached over to turn on her car and blast the heat. It was a little cold to be sitting outside in her car at night.

Sitting back, she paused. “I don’t do that, though,” Belle admitted quietly. “I don’t get upset.”

Missy sat forward, surprised. “How come?”

“I’ve lost friends,” Belle sniffed, trying to keep composure. “People lost interest in me if I focused on myself or got upset over something.”

“Honey, those people aren’t worth your time. That’s not how friendship is supposed to go.” She explained patiently, knowing Belle needed to hear it. “So, you’ve kept it together a pretty long time then,” Missy guessed.

“When I was a child, right after I met Andrew, we were in Children’s Church, and a friend of mine called me selfish. I was crying because I didn’t have both my parents. They were talking about families, and I felt sad that I just had myself and my mother to draw. The other little girl, she was a little older than I was and she said that I shouldn’t be such a selfish girl, because there were some kids who didn’t have any parents at all. She wasn’t my friend after that,” Belle trailed off.

“And then when I was a little older, and I’d get distracted by something I was going through…on a mission trip or something…people would just get nasty to me. Like they expected me to be perfect all the time. So that’s what I tried to be.” She expelled a breath.

“Grieving over your parents’ separation isn’t selfish. I did the same thing. I just wish I’d have known you then so I could’ve told you that. And I hate to burst your bubble, but nobody can be perfect.” Missy smiled gently and hoped Belle could get the spirit behind the statement.

“I was just afraid though…” Belle sighed. “I was so afraid to be vulnerable like that. I don’t know why I hung on to what that little girl said to me for so long, but the last thing I wanted to be was selfish. And I broke down today anyway, when it wasn’t even about me.”

“What did Andrew and Jared do?” Missy asked.

“What?” Belle was surprised.

“Tell me what Andrew and Jared did when you got upset.” Missy prompted.

“They wouldn’t let me run… Jared kept me there, even though I fought him. When I couldn’t be strong anymore, they just held me…Andrew said they cried, too.” Belle explained, feeling shocked again, that they had actually been there for her in that way.

“Belle, that’s the way God intended it. He knows there’s times we’re gonna hurt. But that’s why He puts other people in our lives to help us through. Andrew and Jared, those are the kind of friends you wanna keep. I know you haven’t known Jared that long, so then trust Andrew. Listen to him. He’s known you more than half your life. That young man loves you like a sister. I know it was scary for you, but I think it was a good thing. What do you think?”

“I still sort of feel shame about it,” Belle said quietly.

“Do you know John 11:35?” Missy quizzed.

“Jesus wept.” Belle recited easily.

“Jesus wept.” Missy emphasized each word. “Even our Lord cried. Lazarus died and it says that seeing everybody so upset like that, Jesus was deeply moved in His spirit and troubled. When the sisters took Him to where Lazarus was, Jesus wept, and then the Jews said ‘See how He loved him!’ Grief is a deep expression of love. If we don’t love someone, we won’t care if they leave us. But you loved your daddy. That love didn’t go away on the day he left. You felt that loss, and that’s a normal reaction, trust me. Some view divorce sort of like a death, especially to a child.”

“I didn’t know that.” Belle answered, still internalizing all she had heard.

Missy was quiet, knowing that Belle often needed some time to come to grips with a new truth she was taught.

“So, it wasn’t really selfishness that had me crying today. It was love.”

Missy smiled, relieved that it was finally ringing true. “It was love,” she echoed.

--

Elise was progressing in rehab, so much so that even she was beginning to notice the change. It was almost second nature now for her to wait out the moments when speech eluded her, and she was starting to ask questions when she needed clarification on something rather than stand silently by.

Her work ethic was impressive, and she buckled down immediately when dropped off at the hospitals rehab wing. Today she had navigated speech therapy without much of a problem, and even though she was distracted, Elise managed to stay clear headed and focused on what she had to do.

Weeks before, her therapists had begun taking around the hospital to predetermined locations, in an effort to orient her and help her get her bearings and ask for help when she needed direction, or to know the next step she should pursue. Today, Elise had an idea of her own.

She knew that Alex was in the same hospital, recuperating from surgery. She also knew that Alex had been scared beforehand, and probably didn’t have many visitors. Elise spent her small break in activity trying to put together the right sentence to convey what she wanted to do. Spontaneous initiation of conversation had proved itself to be nearly as difficult as direct questions were to answer.

But when it came time to venture outside the stark white walls of the rehab room, Elise found she was more ready than she anticipated.

“Actually…” she started, surprised that her voice was working. “Could we go see my friend? She had surgery a couple days ago, and she’s still here. Could…um,” momentarily, anxiety caused her to freeze, but her own determination to see Alex overruled her emotion. “Could you go with me to do that instead?”

Her therapist, Carrie, was more than a little impressed at Elise’s forthrightness. “Are you sure? There will be a lot to think about – a lot of stress – are you sure you don’t want to go find the vending machines instead?” she joked, already knowing what the answer would be.

Elise nodded emphatically. “Yes. So can we go?” she shifted impatiently.

“You got it,” Carrie affirmed.

--

“First, we have to find the elevators,” Carrie prompted, making sure she was close by, in case Elise’s balance left her, as it still occasionally did.

Furrowing her brow, Elise contemplated her strategy but found herself hopelessly disoriented in the maze of hallways – she still could rarely find her way to and from the door she came in with Rob or Kylie without help.

Elise shrugged at Carrie, with no clue about what to do next.

“Tell me,” Carrie encouraged, wanting her charge to remember she could ask for help, wanting her to feel empowered.

“I can’t find it,” she whispered, feeling tears come to her eyes involuntarily.

Maintaining her professional calm, Carrie instructed her. “Okay, what can you do if you can’t find something,” she asked rhetorically, ignoring Elise’s tears, and knowing they weren’t reactionary. “Look around you. Do you see elevator doors anywhere? Or a sign that might help you out?”

Elise wiped her eyes and squinted, concentrating. After a few moments, she got her bearings and noticed the elevator just a few feet in front of her.

She smiled slightly, pleased with herself, and strode toward it with confidence.

Once they were inside, though, Elise grew concerned at the massive panel of numbers on one wall of the small enclosure.

“Okay, we need to go to the second floor,” Carrie explained, letting Elise make the connection to what she needed to do on her own.

Luckily, they were the only two in that particular elevator, so there wasn’t the added stress of having people behind her, all in a hurry to get where they were going.

Elise stared intently, wondering again, what in the world she was expected to do. But the thought of Alex up in recovery spurred her on, and gave her new resolve to figure out what she was supposed to do.

“I don’t get this either,” she admitted, laughing nervously.

“Look for the number two.” Carrie stood by patiently, knowing that this was probably an unfair task to give Elise. Of all the abilities she had lost, her ability to understand math, and like concepts had flagged considerably.

But Elise was hard at work, staring intently at the numbers. “There’s lots of twos…” she trailed off, thinking this was some kind of trick.

“Right,” Carrie agreed, “But look for the number that only has a two.”

Minutes later, Elise finally found it and pointed it out, her eyebrows raised expectantly, “Right?” she asked.

Carrie beamed. She couldn’t help herself. “You got it. That’s awesome! Okay, press the button, so we can head up.”

The button was pressed and the enclosed box suddenly whirred to life. Elise gripped the railing, closing her eyes and hoping it wouldn’t take long.

Thankfully, a bit later, the doors slid open, but Elise found her balance was completely gone after riding in the elevator, and she walked clumsily now, grasping Carrie’s arm for support.

“Hey, Carrie, nice to see you,” the woman behind the desk greeted warmly.

“Hi, Char. This is Elise,” Carrie introduced, prodding the girl ahead of her gently.

“Um…I’m looking for Alex…I’m not sure of her last name.” Elise hedged. “I think it’s Alexandra, actually – her first name - and she had something done to her throat.”

“—It’s Craig,” a new voice interrupted.

Elise turned unsteadily to see Kenzie standing there, looking washed out in the fluorescent lighting at the main desk.

Char began typing the information in, and Kenzie stepped up with a terse, “Don’t bother.” She turned to Elise. “I haven’t been there, but I know where she is. I can take you,” she offered.

“I’ll send Rob to pick you up here then,” Carrie said, letting Elise have this opportunity to visit undisturbed, knowing any social setting had purpose for Elise.

“They put her in the pediatric wing now,” Kenzie explained, keeping a pace that was hard for Elise to maintain. “Since there’s not enough beds in the adult section or something,” Kenzie sounded like she could care less.

Elise was glad Carrie was nowhere to be found now, since from the time Kenzie had intercepted them Elise had been virtually mute. She didn’t know why, but Kenzie’s presence always made Elise a little uneasy.

“It’s right here,” Kenzie pointed to the right. “I’ll leave a note with the desk, so your brother knows where you are, in case you’re not done. Oh…and tell her I said hi. I just can’t bring myself to go in there,” Kenzie said, before disappearing down the hall.

--

Elise came in quietly, feeling an odd sense of familiarity course through her at the sight of the hospital room. Though it was definitely brighter and friendlier than hers had been.

She approached Alex’s bedside, and took her hand. In the bed, Alex stirred and came awake, her eyes widening at the sight of Elise. She smiled, and opened her arms.

Bending in, Elise obliged, taking Alex in her embrace, careful not to disturb the bandage on the side of her neck.

Elise petted her friend’s hair. “Kenzie says hi,” she said, her voice hushed.

Alex’s eyebrows raised in question. “Where is she?” she mouthed, not even trying to make her voice work – she’d learned all too quickly that it wasn’t a good idea to try and talk this soon after her operation.

Shrugging apologetically, Elise squeezed her hand. “I don’t know. Are you okay?” she asked, observing Alex’s face. She looked different – not happy.

Alex shook her head, feeling tears well up in her eyes, and fighting them back. The last thing she wanted was to cry in front of Elise. Though a lot remained unmentioned between them, Alex knew that Elise had been through something major, and she better not make this minor operation look like the worst thing ever.

But Elise was more perceptive than Alex gave her credit for, and immediately the younger was at her side. “This is really scary,” she spoke in a gentle, knowing tone. She glanced down and saw some gray fur peeking out of the covers. Elise pulled it out, and found herself staring into the adorable eyes of a soft little bear.

“What’s he doing under here?” Elise asked, more relaxed than she ever remembered being. “He should be right here,” she moved the stuffed animal to the crook of Alex’s arm.

She smiled, feeling a tear track down her cheeks in spite of all her efforts.

“I’ll stay as long as I can, okay?” Elise soothed, sitting down on the edge of the bed, grateful to be off her feet.

Alex nodded uncomfortably.

“Are you hurting?” Elise asked, saddened by the thought, hating to see other people in pain because she knew how awful it could be to endure.

Alex held two fingers slightly apart, as if to signify “A little,” and shrugged off the concern. Her eyes lit up a second later, when her bedside drawer caught her attention. She managed to snag the handle and pull it open, taking out a decorative scarf and draping it around Elise’s neck.

“Oh, that’s awesome!” Elise gushed. She spun around awkwardly, feeling dizzy, and grabbing the bed to steady herself.

Alex grinned, and motioned to her own neck, illustrating what the scarf was actually for.

“It’s for your scar?” Elise asked.

A nod.

“I have a pretty big one too,” she confided, leaning in to show Alex. “Luckily, they left enough of my hair to cover it up, but I haven’t been able to wear a ponytail for a while.” Elise flipped the hair from the right side of her head to the other, and revealed the short hair underneath that was just starting to grow back.

“My scar’s in there somewhere,” Elise motioned to her hair.

Alex leaned forward to peer in, gently parting the short hair in search of the scar.

When she found it, Elise could hear her gasp.

“It doesn’t hurt,” Elise assured. “Except if I sleep on it or something, but usually it doesn’t.”

Alex spread her finger and thumb, again, and put them close to her neck, trying to show how long her own scar was.

“Okay,” Elise acknowledged.

Alex reached over and swiped the notepad off her side table. She wrote hurriedly, and showed the message to Elise. It read: “You’re talkative,” with a smile at the end.

“Sorry,” Elise apologized instinctively, ducking her head.

Alex grabbed the notepad and jabbed at the smiley face. She grabbed Elise’s hand and squeezed.

“You’re fine,” she mouthed, enunciating to make her words clear. She pulled Elise in close so she was almost on top of Alex.

“Um…” Elise hedged, smiling. “I think I might get in trouble if someone finds me like this.”

Alex waved her off, and pulled her closer, planting a kiss on her cheek.

It wasn’t long after that that Rob came in, knocking quietly before he opened the door. By then, Alex had grown tired, and was nearly asleep, but Elise made sure she was comfortable, securing the bear nearby, and tucking the covers around her.

On her way out the door, Elise opened the CD player that was on the side table. She saw the song titles displayed on the CD and quickly fast forwarded through several songs until she found one that had such a gentle melody, Elise knew it was the perfect one to leave on. She pressed the repeat, and quietly left, hearing the lyrics even after the door closed behind them.

“Spend all your time waiting for that second chance, for a break that would make it okay. There's always one reason to feel not good enough, and it's hard at the end of the day. I need some distraction, oh, beautiful release. Memory seeps from my veins. Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight.

“In the arms of an angel. Fly away from here, from this dark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear. You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie. You're in the arms of the angel. May you find some comfort there.

“So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back and the storm keeps on twisting. You keep on building the lie that you make up for all that you lack. It don't make no difference escaping one last time. It's easier to believe in this sweet madness, oh, this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees…

“In the arms of an angel. Fly away from here, from this dark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear. You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie. You're in the arms of the angel. May you find some comfort there. You're in the arms of the angel. May you find some comfort here.”

--

With time, Alex’s voice improved, and came back. Though her parents took it in stride, Alex spent a considerable chunk of time in awe, and just thanking God for returning something so precious to her.

And later, she found out something even better. She was healthy. There was no cancer. Alex was so elated she didn’t even have time to regret all the pain she had endured.

Strangely, she didn’t think twice before calling Gabe with the news.

He picked up, and immediately felt sure he would have had his hearing permanently damaged, had Alex’s voice been at full strength then.

“Gabe!” Alex exclaimed, her voice still not sounding completely like her own. “I’m good! There’s nothing wrong! My results of the thing are back and there’s nothing bad!”

“Awesome,” he breathed, shocked that she had called him. “I’m so happy for you,” he said honestly.

“I know, isn’t it great?” She did a little dance. “I’m so excited! Aren’t you excited?”

“Totally,” Gabe agreed, allowing himself to grin.

“I gotta go, I gotta call more people,” Alex said hurriedly.

“Okay, talk to you later,” he agreed.

Just as out of place as her first phone call seemed, Alex found herself making a second just as unexpected one. She called Kylie.

Hers was a number always stored but seldom used, and Alex wasn’t sure why. Likewise, she wasn’t sure why, of all her friends, she would feel led to call Kylie with this news. But Alex followed through, knowing there must be some reason for it.

--

“Hey, Kylie?”

“This is Kylie,” she returned, not recognizing the voice. She glanced down and saw Alex’s name on the caller ID. “Oh, is this Alexandra?” Kylie wondered, thrilled at hearing from her.

“Yes,” Alex answered, feeling her throat close with tears. She forced herself to be heard though it was twice as hard now. “I’m healthy.”

“Oh baby, that’s wonderful. I wish you were right here, so I could give you a big hug. I’ve been prayin’ for you.”

“I know,” Alex nodded.

“So, how are you?” Kylie pressed.

“How are you?” Alex countered, feeling the need to find out.

“Just fine,” Kylie said quickly, but Alex heard reservation in her friend’s voice.

Alex dug further. “You sure about that?”

“A little weary maybe, but that’s to be expected,” Kylie admitted quietly.

Alex heard her mother then, urging her off the phone to rest.

“If you wanna talk, I can listen,” Alex offered. “My mom wants me off the phone to rest my voice but if I’m listening to someone, she can’t get mad,” she reasoned.

“You better hush, before I decide to be comin’ for ya. Little Miss Elise gets the full benefit of my motherly side, and you’re about to if you don’t mind your mama.”

Obediently, Alex quieted.

Kylie sat for a moment, trying to keep her emotions at bay. She had been so dedicated to Rob and to Elise over the past months, and the only thing she ever heard were thoughtless comments. She wasn’t a mother or a wife, so why was she living like she already made a commitment? Why, of all the men she could have, did she love the non-Christian with such baggage and a bad past?

Alex just waited, respecting the silence, and obeying her mother, knowing somehow that Kylie’s maternal instincts were probably more fierce than her own mother’s,

“I don’t wanna gossip about nobody,” Kylie hedged. “An’ I know that’s not what you were expectin’ but it’s hard to say what’s goin’ on without sayin’ how hurt I am.”

Kylie knew that on the other end of the phone, Alex was listening, and continued.

“I know you hear it just like I do. Robby hears it. Elise hears it. We all hear it. That in one way or another, us, together, as a family…that shouldn’t work. It’s bein’ implied that I’m lowering my standards as a Godly woman, and I’m not. I know inside, that I got nothin’ to prove to them, but it hurts so bad that they think that way. I wouldn’t care, you know, if it were just some person on the street. But, Alex, these are my friends. We’re supposed to take care of each other, not tear each other down…”

“Aside from you and Belle and Andrew and myself, there’s been hardly anyone to approach Robby or Elise, or even me and ask us how we are. Robby told me the other day that he just had enough and let a couple of ‘em have it because of how we’re all bein’ treated. I couldn’t really believe he did it, since he’s so mild-mannered and all, but I was kinda glad. Not that it’s made much difference. I still feel like no matter what I do I’ll be looked down on.”

Alex couldn’t hold back, and abandoned her promise to stay silent. “I love you, Kylie. I really do. I admire your commitment, and I think anyone who can’t see God’s hand in what you’re doing ought to take a closer look. How many of us would dare take on what you have? How many of us would let ourselves get to know a family in such obvious pain, when we have our own pain to deal with every day? I don’t think that very many of us would. You just keep doing what you’re doing. Believe me that you’re an awesome woman of God. More of us should be like you.”

Kylie blinked, trying to keep her tears back, even now. It was so typical that just on the heels of being told to keep quiet she would come out with something so sweet.

“You ain’t supposed to talk,” Kylie quipped, trying to keep composure. “But thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Alex said, softly, before hanging up.

--

It was a Saturday, when Andrew and Belle decided to descend on Rob and Elise’s place again. Andrew hand called Belle earlier in the day, because he was bored, and had nothing to entertain himself.

So, Belle suggested he come to her house to watch a movie. Once both of them were there, however, they felt Elise’s absence keenly.

Andrew looked at Belle expectantly, and she smiled.

“I’ll call her.”

So they had driven downtown, and Belle was eternally grateful that Kylie wasn’t around to get after her a second time, since she had a feeling it didn’t matter to her whether or not Andrew came. Belle had figured out early on that probably the only person Kylie saw fit to come with her to this part of town was Mikhail, who was twenty-eight, large and Russian.

But Kylie hadn’t seemed to mind, and happily invited them in, and then proceeded to let them take Elise to Belle’s to enjoy Finding Nemo, since neither she nor Rob had a VCR or DVD player.

Once they were all back, Belle went on snack patrol, raiding the refrigerator and cabinets for food, and their garage for pop. Andrew lounged on the couch near Elise, both of them shouting absurd requests to Belle, who just laughed, and insisted that if they were gonna be like that they could get their own stuff.

When Belle finally did appear in the living room, her arms full of Cokes and a big bowl, Andrew was confused.

“I didn’t think popcorn was little and orange,” Andrew said witheringly, holding a cracker up.

“We need Goldfish! It’s a fish movie,” Belle insisted, taking a seat on the other side of Elise.

But once they settled down, and Belle played the movie, all three of them - even Elise - were lost in the story of Marlin and Nemo. Elise was enraptured, sure she hadn’t seen a children’s movie for some years by now. It was refreshing to be able to sit surrounded by friends and enjoy something so simple.

“’Ello! My name’s Bruce!” Andrew quoted along with the large computer-animated shark on screen.

“Hello, Bruce,” Belle returned like an obedient chorus of sharks and fishes.

Elise looked at them both in turn. “Remind me never to go to the theater with you guys,” she muttered, smiling.

“Oh, there’s Dory!” Belle exclaimed. “Pick me! Woo!” she recited happily.

By the end of the movie, Elise had tears tracking down her cheeks from laughing so hard. Her friends were ridiculously hilarious.

Andrew propped his feet up on the coffee table, but one look from Belle and they were on the floor again.

“So, what are we doing now?” he asked.

“Well,” Belle began, making it clear that she wasn’t out of ideas yet. “I need to make this great pie for Thanksgiving, but I don’t have any stuff. Y’all wanna come with me to the store?”

Andrew was off the couch in right away. But Elise remained seated, never excited about the prospect of something new or unexpected.

Seeing her hesitance, Belle sat down again. “Don’t you wanna come shopping? It’ll be fun.”

“It might be fun if just you two went,” Elise offered.

“No way, you should come too,” Andrew insisted. “Plus, by the time we’re done, I’ll have enough stuff that we don’t need to have hot chocolate and cider, and, while she’s making pie, you and I can make s’mores in the microwave. You don’t wanna miss out on that,” he nodded feeling sure she wouldn’t.

“Okay, I’ll come,” Elise finally caved, not feeling as if she had much choice.

--

Oddly, shopping with Andrew and Belle wasn’t as bad as Elise had thought. Her only recent and previous experience in a store had been the fake ones in therapy where she had to learn to tell where things were, and how to pay for things again. It hadn’t been enjoyable. But this was turning out differently.

As much as Elise had expected to be overwhelmed by the fluorescent lights and bustle of the grocery store, she found she didn’t mind it. For her friends, shopping was a fun thing, and Elise was pleasantly surprised when she found herself enjoying it, too.

“Come on,” Andrew whispered, ducking around the end of the baking aisle where Belle was busily finding a graham cracker crust. “We need to find stuff for s’mores. Oh crap!” he exclaimed. “We need graham crackers.”

Elise laughed, and stole back around the corner with him. Andrew crept stealthily down the aisle and swiped a box of graham crackers off the shelf. Belle looked at him oddly, and he took off running, urging Elise with him.

“Okay, we need marshmallows and chocolate.” Andrew said breathlessly.

They went scampering around the store like children, finding their desired items, and then waited on a bench at the front of the store for Belle to appear with her pie ingredients.

“Y’all ready?” Belle asked, smiling. She could see from their flushed faces that her friends had obviously enjoyed themselves.

Once in the car again, Elise dug in the bag. “Here,” she held out a package of Skittles, “That was our impulse purchase…and we used it on you, aren’t you proud?”

“Oh, you’re so nice,” Belle giggled. “So does this mean I’m not allowed to eat y’all’s s’mores?”

Elise shook her head. “No, you can have some. I’ll make Andrew share.”

From the back seat, Andrew laughed, pleased that Elise had enjoyed herself.

--

When they got home, Andrew and Elise took over the microwave, while Belle put together her pie. She kept the music off, remembering Elise’s hard time with background noise, and contented herself with humming.

Andrew assembled the s’mores and stuck them in the microwave. Elise watched everything melt together.

“All right, ladies, what do you want? Hot chocolate or cider?” he asked, holding out the Swiss Miss packages invitingly.

“You know we gotta go with hot chocolate. We can’t have s’mores and cider, it doesn’t go together.” Belle said over her shoulder.

Elise nodded in agreement, and they soon were all enjoying their creations. All except Belle’s pie, which she had to refrigerate, partly because it needed to set and partly because Andrew couldn’t keep his fingers out of it.

--

That night, after pie was made, and their s’mores were consumed, Belle and Andrew decided to drive over to the church. It was one of their favorite things to do, especially when no one was around. There was something different about going to church outside of obligation, just themselves and God.

Belle had gotten the idea from Alex, when she had caught her in the sanctuary alone, long after youth group was over a couple years back. She had just been sitting there, praying. And Belle hadn’t interrupted. She just stepped in, got her Bible, which she had forgotten on a pew, and left. Alex never even knew anyone had been there.

Belle had been a little concerned that Elise might be uncomfortable, but over the course of the day she really seemed to have found her place with them, and Belle was glad.

The first thing that struck Elise was just how quiet everything was. The couple times she’d been to church before, everything had been hectic and loud. Now it was just quiet, almost secret. She hadn’t even known people were allowed to come into church like this, when no one was around. But Andrew and Belle had both assured her that it was fine. That this was the way God intended church to be – for you to come when you needed to, or whenever you wanted to feel closer to Him. Of course, they reasoned, you didn’t have to go in a building to feel close to God, but there was just something about it. And Elise had to agree.

Elise felt a strange sense of freedom just now. Andrew had taken over the piano at the front and Belle had knelt off to the side to pray. She knew nothing was really expected of her. Walking along the outside of the pews, Elise finally sat on a low windowsill, curling into it. It was small enough to make her feel inconspicuous but large enough so she didn’t feel cramped.

From her place in the corner, Elise saw Belle take up a microphone and start to sing.

“Why should I feel discouraged, and why should the shadows come? And why should my heart feel so lonely and long for heaven and home when Jesus is my portion. My constant friend is He. His eyes in on the sparrow, and I know he watches me.

“I sing because I'm happy. I sing because I'm free. His eye in on the sparrow and I know He watches, and I know He watches, I know He watches me…”

Instantly, Elise felt her dad’s arm around her, and smelled the aroma of buttered popcorn. She had almost forgotten… One of the last memories she had with him, and she’d almost forgotten it.

--

As they did most every Friday night, their family had gone to the local video rental store. They hadn’t lived near a Blockbuster, so they made due, as they always had, with the Mr. Movies on the corner. That Friday was Elise’s turn to pick, and she was thrilled. She had asked her dad to take her to where the music movies were, and not the kids ones, either. Elise was convinced that at six, she was much too mature for children’s movies. She had a mission this time. She had heard about a movie that was out now. Her best friend had told her about it, and Elise was determined that this was the movie she was going to rent.

She remembered studying all the boxes carefully for nuns and Whoopi Goldberg.

“Elise, is this the one?” her dad had asked, smiling.

Quickly, Elise had looked for the number 2, signifying a sequel, and jumped up and down.

“Robby, I got it! You pick the snack okay?”

In her excitement, Elise had remembered she had very nearly run up to the register with the empty for-show box, and left the actual video on the shelf. But her daddy was there, right behind her, assuring her that he had it.

The four of them had sat in the living room, with all the lights out. Elise was captivated by the movie. At that age, she had only one desired career. She wanted to be a singer.

And then she’d heard it. The two girls in church singing the song about the sparrow.

She was convinced that it was the most beautiful song she’d ever heard, and rewound the movie constantly for the entire two days they had it to rent, and learned every word.

That Monday, Robby told her something bad happened to Daddy’s heart. And that the only way to see him now, was in her dreams…

--

Elise’s eyes burned, and she tried to calm down. Her chest felt heavy, but she couldn’t stop herself from mouthing the words to the song with Belle, who was still singing.

“I sing because I'm happy. I sing because I'm free. His eye in on the sparrow and I know He watches, and I know He watches, I know He watches me…”

Still folded in the windowsill seat, she leaned her head against the glass, staring out into the blackness. It had taken her so long to comprehend death. She remembered how suddenly all her Barbie’s kids weren’t aspiring superstars anymore. Now their dad’s went to work, and never came home.

She remembered sitting down at the supper table not long afterward to macaroni and cheese and hot dogs, since that’s all Robby could make, and their mom was too sad to cook anymore. She had pretended to have a heart attack right there, falling down dramatically and insisting that she couldn’t eat supper, because she had the same thing as Daddy.

Robby had just stared. And from the next room, their mom had rushed in, and she had struck.

Elise never forgot that spanking, and never fully understood it. Not until now, with a decade of hindsight could she see things from her mother’s point of view.

She never heard the music stop, but all of a sudden, Andrew was there by her side.

“Are you all right?” he asked gently.

“I miss my dad,” she admitted brokenly.

Andrew’s brow wrinkled in confusion. He had never heard mention of her father, but that didn’t stop him from attempting to comfort her. Moving a little closer, Andrew put an arm around her shoulders.

“He had a heart attack at work when I was six,” she explained, breathing deeply. “Right after the funeral, I faked one at the dinner table,” she smiled weakly.

“Wow,” Andrew murmured.

“Yeah. I hadn’t heard that song in a long time, and it made me think of him. You know Sister Act 2?” she wondered.

He nodded, smiling. “When it came out, Belle had to have it. We watched it at her house about six times in a day. She just kept playing it over and over.”

“So did I,” Elise confided.

A few minutes later, Belle joined them, realizing that Andrew wasn’t backing her on piano anymore. She sat nearby quietly, not wanting to interrupt the conversation.

Scooting over so she was right next to Belle, Elise rested her head on Belle’s shoulder.

“Hey, you,” Belle said, her tone all affection. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Elise sighed.

“Wanna head home?” Belle guessed.

Elise nodded, and the three of them stood to go.

Andrew paused at the doorway, saying a brief prayer of thanks to God for the day they’d had. He was never so grateful to have friends like Elise and Belle to spend time with. Elise’s presence added so much to the friendship he and Belle already shared. He couldn’t imagine a better day if he had planned it out. That was Andrew’s favorite kind of day, and there was something about Elise that made him appreciate small things a whole lot more.

Glancing up at the front, Andrew let himself take in the large wooden cross that adorned the wall. He felt, as he always did, a strong sense of grief and gratitude with the fresh realization that he was loved so much.

Tears filled his eyes, and he let them fall, unashamed.