Belief: Chapter 7

Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn.
- George Bernard Shaw

Rob stood near the back of the sanctuary, still trying to get up the nerve to go inside. It seemed so holy – so unfit for a person like him. It was there, lurking near the back, that he overheard Gabe sharing what little he knew of Alex’s condition with Julia. It wasn’t long before Micah and Missy joined them, feigning interest. And Kenzie and Jared entertained the edges of the gathering, not quite admitting their curiosity.

“I don’t know how you do it,” Rob muttered, almost to himself.

The murmur of voices momentarily stopped, and all eyes turned toward him.

It was Sunday and somehow, the core of the group had gathered at the coffee bar outside the sanctuary. Kylie had asked Rob to church, since that was the one day a week he didn’t work. She insisted Elise would have fun, since Belle was there, and Rob had warily agreed to go. Alex’s surgery was the next day, and instead of seeking her out in the sanctuary, the majority of them were gossiping quietly outside.

Missy spoke first. “Don’t know how we do what?” she asked suspiciously.

Rob was ready for the question. He’d been ready since the first time he’d set foot in their little group every Thursday night. “I don’t know how you can sit there and systematically alienate people,” he said simply, hoping his nonchalant tone would spark a response. He was so ready for this.

“Dude, where did this come from?” Micah wondered, annoyed at the attack.

“Hell, Micah, I don’t know,” Rob asked, his volume rising with anger. “Maybe from the fact that I come to your meetings every week, and none of you have yet to even stop me, and ask how I’m doing. Maybe it’s because you look at my sister like she’s below you, without even bothering to ask what brought us to that point!” Rob stopped for a moment, noticing some of the official looking church people staring at them.

He stalked toward the doors, and they followed him, stunned at the show of emotion. Most of them had barely heard him speak two words since his arrival.

Rob turned on them again, once the doors shut, seeing the shock in their eyes but not caring. His jaw tightened and his eyes blazed. “I hear you whining all the time,” he turned to Missy, with no remorse, “About how it’s so tough working two jobs, and you have a house to keep. At least you have the option of working two jobs, and a house that’s not in the ghetto!” he exclaimed.

Missy gaped, speechless for the first time.

“Try living in the worst neighborhood, working one job, because that’s all you have the option of working, and trying to pay off thousands of dollars in medical expenses. Try living with the possibility of going to custody hearings in between since nobody in Elise’s life gives a damn about her, and her mother would rather keep an abusive son-of-a-bitch around than her own daughter.

“My sister used to be just exactly like that Belle, who’s been so good to her. Until she had the shit beat out of her by my mother’s boyfriend! She got everything taken from her, and yet all any of you can see is that she’s messed up. She’s weepy and probably a hell of a burden to me, right? Don’t think I don’t see how you look at her! Well here’s a news flash for all you arrogant, self-righteous jerks. Elise is all the family I have. She’s my blood and when you look down on her for no reason other than your own insensitivity, I’m gonna notice!” Rob seethed.

“You treat me like shit by ignoring me, you treat Elise like shit judging her. You’re treating Kylie like she’s on some lower level of spirituality because she had the guts to step up and love me for who I am, despite the fact that I don’t share her faith. She doesn’t preach to me, she just shows me I matter enough for her to become a part of my life, and help me with Elise. And now you bunch of posers are back here gossiping about Alex, instead of talking to her. Do you know that she was one of the only people who went out of her way to include me? And she’s got her own crap to deal with! Andrew and Belle are my sister’s age, and they went out of their way to buy us groceries and cook dinner for us. They showed us they cared. And where the hell were any of you?”

Rob turned suddenly, and walked back inside, leaving the half dozen of them stunned, staring after him.

Quietly, he took a seat in the pew Kylie had occupied. He watched the worship with interest, while still furious at the indifference he encountered.

Slowly, though, Rob felt his anger lessening as he watched his girlfriend with her arm around Alex. The younger was doubled over, uncharacteristically grieved, while Kylie knelt nearby, rubbing her back.

Rob saw a flash of blonde and turned his attention to the right hand corner of the sanctuary. Elise was there, holding the hands of a tiny girl, who looked like a smaller version of herself. The two danced awkwardly, but both were smiling, and clearly, in their own world, as music washed over them. He saw Belle nearby, waving the Turkish flag, and Andrew off in another corner, just standing there, his eyes closed in concentration.

Worship gradually ended, and Kylie came back to her seat, putting a hand comfortingly on Rob’s back. He didn’t know how she always seemed to know when he needed that.

They sat through the sermon, Rob, feeling sadness steal over him with the memory of attending church as a young teenager with both his parents and Elise. He doubted if Elise, just finishing kindergarten could recall any of the time their father was alive, but he secretly hoped she could. Rob also hoped she could remember that once upon a time she had a daddy, and he loved her more than anything.

--

After church, Andrew walked up to Rob, patting his pocket and grinning.

“You three wanna come out to lunch with us? Grandma Sadie,” he pointed out the church’s resident grandmother. “Well, she gave me money during the service. I thought we could go out and get a pizza. Are you and Kylie up for it? Belle already invited Elise.”

Rob glanced around to find Kylie. “Maybe, but we should probably get home,” he pandered though he already knew he wanted to go.

“Come on…” Andrew badgered good-naturedly. “I’ve never seen a guy turn down pizza.” Andrew socked him in the arm.

“Okay, okay, lay off,” Rob laughed, feeling relieved that he hadn’t seen any of the rest of the crowd he had blasted, since he’d given them a piece of his mind earlier.

They all managed to squish into Andrew’s car, he and Rob in the front and Kylie, Belle and Elise in the back. Rob felt more at ease than he had in recent memory having his two favorite people, and two great kids around him.

They arrived at the restaurant within minutes, and Rob Elise and Kylie pressed into one side of the booth, while Belle and Andrew took the other side, insisting that this particular side of the booth was reserved for big-butted girls.

“Oh no!” Belle exclaimed, her big-butted comment causing a thought to come to her suddenly. “We forgot to invite Alex!” Belle pulled her cell phone out and called, insisting that she had to come and eat pizza with them, because it would make her feel a lot better.

While she worked on Alex, Kylie and Andrew smirked at each other and switched places, deciding to make that side of the booth official. Andrew slid in next to Elise, and Kylie joined Belle.

“Alex you have to come, because we have a spot for you reserved with me and Kylie. It’s for us well-endowed girls…in the hind region,” she explained. And that had done it. In minutes Alex had driven over, comically launching into the booth and leaning hard into Kylie and Belle.

“Kids!” Andrew called, “We gotta figure out what to order!” He turned his attention to Elise, who had been quietly watching all the action with a little smile on her lips. “What do you like? This side of the table can be the ordering side, since they’re busy over there,” he waved off the other side of the booth.

“Just plain,” she said, shrugging. Her eyes shined as she watched the girls on the other side. She had never seen Kylie have so much fun before.

“Just plain pepperoni?” he guessed.

Elise nodded.

“’Lise!” Alex whined “Don’t you wish you were a big-butted girl?” she extended a hand dramatically across the table in an attempt to bridge the distance of the table and make contact. She stretched feebly, but gave up after a few seconds.

“Yeah, I do,” Elise laughed hard, after swatting away Alex’s hand.

Rob looked around Andrew at his sister and then at the other side of the table. “Elise and I could snap you girls like twigs,” his mouth curved up in a secretive smile.

“I’m offended!” Belle gasped.

Kylie had tears streaming down her cheeks from laughing so hard. She was glad to be between Alex and Belle, because she couldn’t imagine the noise and trouble they could make if they were beside one another.

The pizzas arrived, and in moments, the loud rambunctious table fell into silence as they ate.

“Grandma Sadie?” Alex asked, raising an eyebrow at Andrew.

He nodded, swallowing.

“How do you get all the luck? She never gives me any money,” she balked.

“It could be because I don’t hound her for candy every week,” he teased, knowing Alex still couldn’t resist giving Sadie a hug just because it always meant she’d walk away with a sweet.

“I don’t have to hound her,” Alex defended. “She gives it to me.”

“Yeah, that’s how it happens…” Kylie winked.

“So your surgery’s tomorrow?” Rob asked suddenly.

“Yeah, thanks for bringing that up,” Alex ribbed, smirking.

“Hey, I had something to tell you, Alex. Actually, God has something to tell you, so you can take it with you tomorrow.” Belle took a breath, and began reciting from memory.

“That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.

“So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us--who was raised to life for us!-is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

“They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.

“None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing--nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable--absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.”

Belle smiled at Alex. “You recognize that?” she asked sweetly. “Romans 8:28-39? I memorized it from The Message just for you.”

Alex had paused, her pizza part way to her mouth, to listen to Belle recite. She knew she preferred New International Version and others that sounded more eloquent, but she had purposely gone and memorized out of the version Alex had, just because she wanted it to ring as true as possible, in modern day language.

Speechless, Alex just stared. Finally managing, “Man, I’ve never heard anyone memorize that much scripture before.”

Rob squinted across the table at Kylie. “Do you have that Bible?”

“Not that one. But Alex has it.”

Digging in her backpack, Alex pulled it out and gave it to him. “You can borrow it, if you want,” she offered.

Only Kylie knew the significance of what Alex was proposing. Kylie doubted she ever saw Alex anywhere without it. While she didn’t carry it obviously in her day to day life, it was almost always hidden away in her backpack as it was now, so that she always had it to turn to.

Rob took the book cautiously, studying the cover. He’d never seen a Bible look so modern, or come across so clear to him. “Are you sure?” he asked, not missing the surprised look that Kylie couldn’t hide.

“Yeah, totally. Go for it. I made little notes in there and stuff, but if you don’t mind that, go ahead and hold onto it.”

She turned to Belle. “Thanks. I needed that.” Alex said honestly.

Elise looked over Rob’s shoulder and finally couldn’t resist, and took the book from his hands to flip through it. She was instantly captivated by the colorful inserts, and arrows Alex had decorated certain passages with. “Where’s the one you said, Belle?” she asked handing the Bible across the table.

Alex sat back, just watching everything unfold, knowing that most of the time, miracles didn’t happen in big flashy moments, but simple things that came about through obedience and love. Though she felt a tangible loss at giving up her Bible, she knew it would serve Rob and Elise more

“Can we do anything for you, baby?” Kylie asked softly, while distraction momentarily took over the table.

“Just try to keep me sane…” she kidded. “This is like, the scariest thing for me.”

“I can’t imagine,” Kylie murmured sympathetically. “But you can stay with us as long as you want today. If you wanna just forget about it and enjoy yourself, we’ll do that, if you wanna talk about it, we can do that, too. I know you didn’t get much chance to the other night, and I hope you don’t mind that Rob passed it on to me.”

“I don’t. I know you didn’t miss it on purpose. You were just busy.” Alex dismissed.

Kylie shook her head. “Don’t make excuses for me. I should have heard you out. The whole room of us should have heard you out, but we didn’t. And I can’t speak for them, but I’m real sorry.” Kylie apologized.

Alex nodded gratefully, needing, more than anyone realized the assurance that she mattered.

--

Elise sat idly in the recliner, still holding the Bible that Alex had lent them. She had taken to scanning the pages for the telltale red, blue, or purple pen that so often pointed something out. There were questions, song lyrics, and passages underlined.

Up until now, Elise had never even heard of anyone writing in their Bible. It seemed to her that they were sacred, only to be touched on Sundays, only to be read in the service – not that she had ever been to one aside from today, since before she was six years old. Back then, she had sat quietly with her parents and Robby, trying to listen and follow along with the hymns that were sung, but she was barely old enough to read, and couldn’t yet follow along, so she’d pretended.

She stared at Alex’s Bible. It seemed so personal, so dear to her. And the language wasn’t confusing either. Right when they’d arrived home, Rob had sat down with it, and hadn’t put it down for an hour. Elise had needed to put off her curiosity until now, and since she never slept easily it was a nice distraction from that.

Elise flipped to the beginning and read until her eyes grew tired. She read about how God had created the world. She thought she remembered hearing her daddy tell her that story at night before bed, but she couldn’t be sure.

Before she could drift off, she crept into Robby’s room, curling up on the edge of his bed. She was pretty sure he would never allow it, but she climbed in, nevertheless. Once she was in, and under the covers, she opened the Bible to a random page, and saw Alex’s handwriting.

WHOM SHALL I FEAR was written in all capital letters, and Elise looked closer at the date beneath it.

It was today’s. She must have written it during church.

The words were strangely comforting to Elise, and she repeated them to herself as she fell asleep, leaving the Bible open on the table beside her.

--

Alex couldn’t hold back anymore. She knew it was late, but that was prime phone call time for her, and she needed to get answers out of Gabe before she went into surgery the next day. He had been distant ever since he’d gone with her to the doctor to get the biopsy done. She guessed she should have known that all those promises he made her about being there no matter what were just too good to be true.

She dialed his number and waited, staring at the glaring red numbers on her clock, mentally counting down the hours until she was to go to the hospital, and then, from there, how many hours were left until the surgery would begin. She cringed. Only six more. She wondered how much sleep she would be getting that night, and doubted it would be much.

“Gabe,” Alex called, feeling irritated that he still wasn’t answering.

There had been a time when she could call anytime, and his phone would barely ring once before he picked it up, sounding concerned.

Now, it was on its fifth ring, and kicking over to voice mail.

“Hey, it’s Gabe. You know what to do.”

“That message was lame,” Alex said, “And I’m calling you back, so you better pick up.” She turned her phone off and on again quickly and re-dialed. She did this about three more times before Gabe finally answered.

“What?” he asked, sounding almost annoyed.

“You did not just talk to me that way,” Alex warned. She had been prepared to give adequate time for Gabe to explain his behavior, but this was just too much. She doubted he even knew her surgery date was in a few hours. “What is going on with you?” she challenged.

“I don’t wanna fight with you,” he conceded, wanting more than anything just to sleep.

“Well too bad,” her tone was biting, and dared him to try compromising again.

He sat up, trying to orient himself, and ignore the tremendous bad feelings churning inside him. He knew what this call was about. He’d been expecting it.

“What is this? You tell me you’ll be here for me, and then you act like a coward and run the other way?” She was angry, and didn’t care whether or not she hurt him. His lack of presence and care had hurt her so deeply, she doubted he could understand.

“It’s not like that,” Gabe denied, feeling stunned that she would say something so cruel.

Alex let out a breath. “What’s it like then? Tell me, Gabe, ‘cause I’d really like to know. What? I mean, did you just decide after we had coffee that you couldn’t handle it?”

“Kind of…” he admitted. “It was a lot to see, Alex. I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just can’t deal with seeing people hurt.”

Alex closed her eyes. She didn’t need all this stress the night before her operation – she was stressed enough as it was.

“You know what I can’t deal with, Gabe? I can’t deal with people who aren’t honest with me,” her voice had gone quiet, remembering her parents asleep in the house as well.

“I never lied to you,” he objected.

“You promised me you’d be here for me through this, and when it got too hard, you bailed,” she pointed out, angrily.

Gabe was speechless. He felt like scum, never imagining himself to be the kind of friend that would leave someone when they needed him the most.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized helplessly.

“There have been so many times when I’ve needed you to just ask me how things are going with this, and you’ve avoided me. That sucks, because you know I’d be there for you.” Alex insisted. “It made me feel like I didn’t count for crap in your eyes.”

Gabe stayed quiet, not interrupting, because she was right.

Tears pricked Alex’s eyes, and she fought them back. She didn’t want to guilt Gabe into doing anything, but it was difficult. There was a reason she had chosen to take the bull by the horns and call Gabe the night before – to say what she needed to say. Because come the next day, and she might not have a voice.

“Are you okay?” Gabe asked, concerned.

“My surgery’s tomorrow,” she admitted. The unspoken remained for him – an opportunity to redeem himself – to offer to visit the next day.

“When will you be back at Micah’s?”

She sighed. “In about a week if everything goes well.”

Gabe couldn’t miss the defeat in her tone, but that was the best he could do. He couldn’t very well go making more promises that he knew he couldn’t keep. That would just make everything worse.

“Well, I’ll see you then. I’m sorry about all this, but I’ll be praying for you,” he assured.

“Yeah, thanks,” Alex returned, feeling now more than ever like his last statement contained nothing more than empty words.

She lay back and stared into the darkness, trying to convince herself she had done the right thing, despite that she felt more anxious than before. At least she had said what was on her heart. She just wished she could see some conclusive answer, instead of just a cliché.