Belief: Chapter 4

TWs - ableism, objectification, hypervigilance, inaccessibility, bruising, disclosure of physical abuse, nightmare, mention of needles, internalized ableism, mention of prayer, mention of God, mention of Satan

Live as brave men; and if fortune is adverse, front its blows with brave hearts.

- Cicero

“So, how are we gonna do this?” Jared asked, smirking. He glanced up at the horse-drawn contraption that would transport them all for the hay ride.

Jared’s presence had been a surprise to say the least. Belle had reported to the group that the youth was having a hay ride and they needed more adult volunteers for chaperoning.

There wasn’t much of a turn out. It was a shock for all of them to see Rob there. Elise was nowhere to be found, though, since Rob had insisted the weather was too cold for her to be out in, and it probably would take too much out of her. She hadn’t protested, which pretty much let Rob know she agreed.

He had called Kylie and asked if she would mind staying until he got back. She hadn’t been thrilled, but she had been there, faithful as always in her commitment to both him and Elise.

Alex had come, too, and taken Kenzie along just because she felt like it. Alex was always active in youth functions, and really wanted Kenzie along.

Gabe and Micah were along, too. But that was it.

Being so new, though, none of them really expected Jared or Rob to have come along. But they were both there. Alex had been heavy on the calling to recruit people, and had no qualms about inviting Jared, despite the possible difficulties they might encounter. Rob would come, she assured. And that was that.

Jared wasn’t sure how keen Rob was at the idea of a hay ride in the first place. He seemed pretty busy – and more the serious type – not one to jump at fun activities. So he wasn’t really sure how it was going to be, depending on Rob to help out.

But as it turned out, Jared needn’t have worried.

“Just tell me what you need,” Rob had said, and then he had stood there expectantly.

Jared sized him up. “How much do you bench?” he asked jokingly.

“I can lift you,” Rob assured, sounding almost bored at the prospect of hauling Jared onto the bed of hay.

“All right,” Jared agreed, shrugging. He didn’t buy this nonchalant attitude for a second, but Alex had assured him that all would be well, and he was holding her to it.

Effortlessly, Rob stooped and picked up Jared, setting him up near the edge. “You got it while I climb up here?” Rob asked, seeing Jared’s balance wasn’t the best.

“I’m right here,” Alex called, her voice muffled from behind Jared. “Climb up.”

“Hey, thanks,” Jared spoke, trying to address both of them at once.

“Whoa,” Alex laughed, as Jared lurched to one side. She easily put her arms around his stomach, trying to anchor him so he didn’t fall off the edge.

“Okay, where do you wanna be?” Rob wondered, brushing hay off his jeans.

“Didn’t realize this thing had no sides…” Jared observed casually, hoping the tone masked the concern he felt.

“Here,” Rob got behind him, hauling him backward a few feet until he was in the middle, completely surrounded by kids.

“Oh this is much better,” Jared quipped, leaning back on his hands, unsure of how he would stay seated when the horses jerked to life.

“I’m not done with you yet,” Rob assured, moving quickly to take Alex’s place and sending her to take care of the chair, and make sure it was out of the way.

“I can’t really just toss it up here,” she informed him.

Rob raised one eyebrow in the near-darkness. “I didn’t ask you to throw the thing on here, just put it inside.”

“He needs it, though,” Alex insisted.

“He doesn’t need it as long as I’m here,” Rob shot back.

Jared looked back and forth mildly before asking, “Do you two always bicker like old, married folks?”

“Girlfriend.” Rob spoke lowly. His tone dared Jared to say anything more about he and Alex.

“Gotcha,” Jared breathed, understanding. “Oh yeah, it’s you and Kylie Hall, right?”

“Hey!” Micah called from among the masses. “What’s up with that? No wheels?”

“Nope,” Jared returned, trying not to be irritated. After all most people didn’t see his wheelchair as an integral part of him or even as personal property – they saw it as a toy.

“Yeah, it’s me and Kylie,” Rob said quietly.

Jared sighed involuntarily. “Lucky man.”

“I am,” Rob agreed, unable to keep the tenderness out of his voice.

It wasn’t much longer when someone grabbed a handful of leaves and stuffed them down the back of someone else’s shirt. In no time, all out war had begun, and Jared’s breathing quickened, hating more than anything to be surrounded by chaos.

Rob stayed put, straddling Jared, hoping two sets of legs would have less chance of being stepped on, knowing that Jared wouldn’t feel a thing, but would probably come away with a bad bruise. He held tighter, wanting to make sure Jared didn’t get knocked over in the madness.

However, the magnitude of the situation didn’t settle down much. They were shoved and Micah even managed to get leaves down Jared’s back.

He cursed. He’d have a hell of a time taking care of all that. Micah didn’t leave Rob out of the fun either, and took advantage of his position by doing the same to him.

Rob was more mild-mannered, and barely moved, not wanting to jostle Jared, who really seemed to be having a tough time with this.

When they finally stopped, to head to the bonfire, Rob waited until everyone else cleared off, before helping Jared.

Rob was surprised when, as soon as he moved from behind, Jared started pulling his own weight to the edge. Rob let him go to it, standing by, and waiting. Once Jared was closer, Rob wordlessly scooped him up, and prepared for the drop he’d encounter, between the hay bed and the ground.

“You ready?” Rob asked, trying to shake the leaves from his shirt.

“Go for it,” Jared offered, still feeling the irritating prickle of leaves on his upper back.

So Rob got down, carrying Jared the distance to where the bonfire blazed. Rob snagged a chair with his foot, and set Jared down amiably.

“You got this?” Rob asked, brushing his hands off.

Jared nodded sagely. “Yeah, I think I’ve pretty much mastered sitting on my ass,” he muttered sarcastically.

“Dude, there’s kids here, shouldn’t you watch your mouth?” Rob asked, feeling big-brother mode kick in.

Jared rolled his eyes. “Man, they have dirtier mouths than I do!”

“Whatever,” Rob sat down himself, automatically thinking of his sister and girlfriend. He still felt bad for coming, when he had so much responsibility on him at home. But Alex had been persuasive, asking him to come so that Jared would get the opportunity to come and not have to worry about getting around. It was only fair, she had reasoned, since none of the rest of them had to worry about that. And realizing how badly he wanted the same kind of consideration for Elise, he had agreed.

--

Rob tried to be open-minded about the bonfire. After all, he had agreed to volunteer and help out. True, it was more for Jared’s benefit than the youth group, still he felt strange in the midst of such normalcy, such absent-minded time wasting. For a whole hour, he had sat there, while they sang song after song. Then, they had eaten up another hour with mindless talk, and silliness; when all Rob wanted to do was go home and check on Elise.

--

The bonfire was a success, though it left Rob with the firm conviction that, if not for Jared, he wouldn’t have come. He just didn’t fit in with the general population anymore. He was the brother of a girl with a head injury. He had medical bills to pay off, an apartment to keep, a custody battle to fight, and most of all, a sister to look after.

His stomach twisted, uncomfortably. The guilt he’d felt, since the day he’d gotten the call from the hospital came back to eat at him. He should have paid more attention to this bastard his mom was dating, and not just seen him as a deal-breaker. He should have seen him for what he was.

Rob clenched his fists tightly, wanting more than anything to have noticed something different about Elise, the last Christmas he had visited. Surely a man couldn’t become so violent all at once. There had to have been more than that one occurrence. But Elise still couldn’t talk about it. She couldn’t think about it without becoming hysterical more often than not.

As he always did, Rob ran the Christmas visit through his head, examining every detail. Elise had looked beautiful that morning, but what about the night before, without make-up? Rob tried to remember if he had seen anything, a bruise, swelling… Anything that he might have missed that could have tipped him off that she was being beaten.

And then it came to him with so much clarity he almost wanted to vomit. She’d almost always had bruises. Not on her face or neck, but her arms and legs. He had asked her about them, and Elise had shrugged them off, attributing them to gymnastics practice. He had bought it. Except that at fourteen she had been in gymnastics too, and she hadn’t had near as many black and blue marks…

Rob’s head spun. He’d been in the recliner most of the night – a habit he’d developed when Elise had moved in. Against his will, Rob walked across the room and sat beside her on the pull out. He stroked her head where hair had been left to cover the surgical scar, but not nearly as much as the other side of her head. This always brought her awake, and without much fuss, if the touch was gentle.

“Hey,” he greeted softly.

“Robby,” she mumbled softly. “You’re back.”

“Yeah…I just wanted to ask something. You don’t have to say a lot, just yes or no…” Rob hedged, hating to bring up such a sensitive subject with Elise.

She nodded sleepily, always very cooperative when she was tired.

“Before… I mean… Did he… Did he hit you before?” Rob’s eyes were dark with pain.

Silently, Elise nodded.

“Like, on Christmas… Do you remember Christmas, when I came?” Rob tried.

“Mm-hm,” she affirmed, sniffling a little.

Rob shifted, taking her hand. “Was he hitting you then?”

“…Yes,” her voice broke, and tears wet her cheeks.

“I’m sorry, honey,” Rob apologized, gathering her in his arms. “I didn’t wanna make you cry, I’m sorry,” he kept his arms around her, rocking slightly. “You must think I’m a bad big brother,” he commented wryly. “Going out to have fun without you and then coming home…” Rob trailed off, feeling Elise shake her head.

It was quiet for a moment and then he heard it, strangled with tears. “No… …Love you,” she insisted, clutching his shirt.

“I love you, too. I’m just so sorry I didn’t help you,” he wept helplessly.

Rendered silent again, Elise rubbed his back, wishing she could tell him she didn’t blame him. She shifted, so she could rest her head on his shoulder. Within minutes she was asleep again, dreaming of her brother in a cape, flipping through the air to come to her rescue. It was the first time since the assault that she had a dream that wasn’t of the night she’d gotten pulled from bed, and subsequently had her whole world changed…

--

Alex rubbed her eyes and looked at the clock. It was three in the morning, and it wasn’t the alarm that had woken her up, it was her cell phone.

Her room was bathed in darkness, and the red numbers on her clock glared her direction, a constant reminder that she had no business awake at this hour, much less fielding a phone call. Alex tried to clear her head of sleep, and focus on answering the call. But the dream she’d been having was still vivid in her mind.

She’d been at Micah’s, as she was so often. Except this time it had been different. The undetectable lump on her neck had grown to an alarming size, and yet, no one around her noticed. Later, she’d dreamt of sharp needles, and anesthetic; of being alone in a hospital room – she swore she could still smell the distinct hospital scent.

Slowly her mind came back to the here and now. Her phone was going off. The cow ring tone sounded absurd, and suddenly it caused unnatural feelings of unease to creep up.

Immediately anxious, she picked it up, not recognizing the name on her caller ID.

“Hello? This is Alex,” she said, hoping she’d clue whomever it was in to the fact that they’d dialed the wrong number.

“Just who I was lookin’ for,” a tired voice returned.

“Jared?” Alex guessed. He was the only person she could think of who would give such a casual retort after calling in the middle of the night.

“Hey, I’m impressed,” he exclaimed softly.

“What’s up?” Alex asked, choosing to go the relaxed way herself.

Jared shifted in bed, trying to get comfortable. “Not much. I was just up, and thought I’d call,” he offered.

“Are you okay?” she tried again, growing concerned by his evasive answers.

“Not really,” Jared admitted. “I keep having these dreams… It sucks to wake up, because I know it’s real then.”

“You’re losing me,” Alex said, wondering what he was talking about.

“In my dreams I’m walking…” he said simply.

“Oh. Yeah, that would suck.” Alex returned sympathetically.

“And then I wake up and I realize…it slaps me upside the head…that I’m not normal. I’m different now, and no one gets how weird it is – even for me – to not be able to do stuff.”

“I won’t even pretend to get it, ‘cause I don’t.” Alex ventured.

“That’s all right. I just couldn’t sleep,” Jared dismissed. Quickly switching topics, Jared asked, “So, you think your friends will ever get a clue?” he asked, surveying his room. The trapeze above his bed always made him feel like a failure.

“Dude, don’t ask me. I have no idea. For your sake, and for Rob and Elise I hope they do, because this is beginning to seriously bite.”

Jared was silent.

“So, do you hurt?” Alex asked curiously.

“Inside,” he nearly whispered. “Oh, you didn’t mean that way,” Jared blushed, feeling glad she couldn’t see his face then.

“No, I didn’t mean that way, but thanks for telling me anyway.”

“Sure…” Jared sounded doubtful, still trying to get over his slip up.

On his end of the call, Jared struggled for composure, not at all planning to have a breakdown. But his dreams were the only piece of his prior life that he had left to hold onto. And no one could really get how amazingly hard it was on him. They didn’t know he woke up night after night with the false freedom of thinking he could walk, and then the reality slamming into him like a ton of bricks as his legs lay like dead weights under the blankets – he wasn’t going to be walking again.

It was hard to grasp the reality that this, in fact, was his life now. He was bound to this wheelchair for the rest of his life. Jared doubted it would have been so bad if he had even been raised with some kind of disability. Instead, he’d had it thrust upon him at twenty years old, and he really didn’t know if he could fully get used to or accept this. He had always grown up with the conviction that everything happened for a reason, but he couldn’t fathom what reason God had for taking his legs from him. If it was even God at all…and if it wasn’t God, then why hadn’t He stopped it?

Jared knew he shouldn’t be angry, but he hadn’t been able to shake the depth of emotions that cascaded through him on a daily basis now, especially at times like these, when the realization came so fast, and so fresh – almost with no warning at all.

“Did you just wanna talk? Or what?” Alex asked curiously, uncomfortable with the lengthy silence. “I mean, did you want something specific? Prayer?”

“I don’t know. I don’t mind prayer, I just…” Jared sighed. “I just don’t know where I’m at with God right now. We’re not exactly speaking to each other.”

“You might not be speaking to Him, but I guarantee you that He’s definitely speaking to you. And, hey, I just kinda said prayer because it came to mind. I don’t have to do that.” Alex amended.

“Do you believe that God allows crap to happen?” Jared asked seriously. “Or do you think it’s always Satan?”

“There are times when God allows things, I do believe that.” Alex answered honestly, unable to keep thoughts of her own health uncertainties at bay. “At times, it’s Satan, but I don’t think we can put every negative thing, and blame it on Satan. Sometimes God uses those things to show us something, or to help someone else. I mean, I don’t know how God works, but I know that.”

“Could you just talk? I feel like crap – like I’ll never amount to anything and nobody will care one way or the other.” Jared confessed so quietly, Alex wasn’t sure she heard.

Not hesitating in the slightest, Alex fell into song, as naturally as if it were her first language, and speaking her second.

“When the rain is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case, I would offer you a warm embrace to make you feel my love. When evening shadows and the stars appear, and there is no one there to dry your tears, I could hold you for a million years to make you feel my love.

“I know you haven't made your mind up yet, but I would never do you wrong. I've known it from the moment that we met; no doubt in my mind where you belong. I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue. I'd go crawling down the avenue. There's nothing that I wouldn't do to make you feel my love.

“The storms are raging on the rollin' sea and on the highway of regret. The winds of change are blowing wild and free; you ain't seen nothing like me yet. I could make you happy, make your dreams come true. Nothing that I wouldn't do. Go to the ends of the earth for you to make you feel my love.”

Jared lay in bed stunned. He had no idea that Alex could sing, and that song was just what he needed to hear. Not a profession of love, not a lullaby, though it definitely had potential to be that. But just an admission that someone cared about what he was going through.

“Wow,” he said simply.

“Sometimes it just helps to have someone there,” Alex offered, not quite sure what she was driving at.

“Yeah, it does.”

“Hold on…I need to go get a pudding,” Alex said suddenly.

Jared blinked. “You need a pudding? For what? It’s three in the morning.”

“So?” she challenged. “Singing makes me hungry.” Expertly, she stole into the kitchen, cell phone still in hand, and opened the refrigerator. “Ooh, Chocolate Fudge Swirl,” she exclaimed, happily peeling back the lid and licking it clean.

“What’s a Chocolate Fudge Swirl?” Jared inquired, confused now.

“It’s a pudding flavor,” Alex whispered, going quickly back to her room with her Snack Pack Big Cup and a spoon.

“Whatever happened to chocolate and vanilla?” Jared asked blandly.

Alex licked the spoon with gusto. “They got replaced by the cooler flavors,” she said matter-of-factly.

They sat in silence, Jared gratefully listening to Alex consume her snack, and not having to worry about filling the silence.

“Oh, that was so good!” Alex moaned.

“You act like you haven’t seen food in a year,” Jared quipped.

“Hey, I had supper at like, six last night, and it’s three-thirty in the morning,” Alex defended.

“Okay, okay, you’re allowed,” Jared sighed.

“Thank you,” Alex smiled. She loved pudding.

By then, she had turned her bedroom light on and was marching back and forth, stopping for a minute in front of her mirror to study her reflection. Her hair was incredible. Half of it was matted and stuck hopelessly to the side of her head and the other was frizzy. She was wearing her favorite nightgown with the fuzzy teddy bear on the front. It went all the way to her ankles, and almost brushed the floor. Getting an idea, Alex turned and stuck each foot under her bed and donned her slippers. As she stepped, a realistic growl sounded from each foot.

“Hey, Jared? Can you hear my slippers?” Alex held the phone down by one foot, and made the bear slipper say “Grr.”

“Do I even wanna know what that is?” Jared asked, smiling in spite of himself.

“It’s my bear slipper, they’re so cool!” she grinned.

And Jared had to admit he didn’t regret in the slightest his decision to call Alex. She had this uncanny ability to make it clear she cared about him, and in the next minute completely take his mind off his trouble by entertaining him with silly things like bear slippers that growled. He felt himself relaxing finally, grateful beyond words that he had a quirky, and unflinchingly caring friend who he could turn to – even in his darkest moments, when he wished for himself what he knew he could never have again.

Yet somehow, at moments like that, the desire to walk again, to be the person he used to be was less – the pain less acute. There was something so innocent about enjoying the simplicities life had to offer, even when you were enduring hardship. Jared missed that sense of optimism, that childlike ability to find joy in the little things that he had possessed growing up. He was glad to have found it again in Alex.

He knew that in spite of all the insensitivity he had encountered at the cell group, that he couldn’t regret going. He and Alex had been comfortable with one another right away, and she seemed to know what he needed. Jared lay back in bed again, still hearing Alex rambling on and on, and somehow knowing that she would be awake long after he hung up with her. He took a deep breath, and expelled it, knowing that he had something real here. And vowing that no matter how offended he got, he wouldn’t quit going to this group. Because every once in a while, someone like Alex came along, and he just couldn’t ignore that.

It was only after he hung up with Alex that he realized how honest he’d been with her. Where it usually would make him panic and wish he could retract every word he’d spoken – instead he felt peace, and knew it was okay to let himself be real, even about the demons that haunted his past, and his present. In fact, Jared knew that Alex wouldn’t have it any other way.