Belief: Chapter 3

TWs - panic attack, prayer, Christianity, biopsy, bruising, ableism, mention of cancer, depression

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?
- Harry Shearer

Gabe reached out self-consciously for Alex’s hand. Together, they walked through the doors of the clinic. The unmistakable odor made Alex’s stomach turn.

“I just…need a minute,” she managed, backing outside again.

Gabe’s dark eyes studied her face; he kept a hand on her back, supportively. When Alex bent forward slightly, breathing deep, and losing color, Gabe grew concerned.

However, instead of overwhelming her with questions, Gabe drew Alex to him, murmuring words of encouragement and calm into her ear.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. I’ll be there with you. Just slow down – settle your breathing down.” Instinctively, he prayed, asking God to give Alex strength and peace. “Father, this is a scary thing, but we know that You’re here with us. Please just calm Alex down right now, and give her endurance to get through this. In Your name.”

“Are you ready?” Gabe urged, studying his friend’s pale features.

Lips pursed, Alex steeled herself breathing deeply. She concealed her shaky hands in her pockets. “I’m ready,” she agreed, her voice still strained.

In minutes, the two of them were ushered into an exam room. Self-consciously, Alex played with the zipper on her hoodie, pulling it up and down. Anxiously, she paced the room, her brow knit in anticipation.

“You okay?” Gabe asked softly. “You’re kind of making me worry, here,” he teased, trying to keep things light.

“Sorry…I can’t keep still right now,” she apologized distractedly, not looking at him.

Time crawled by, until finally, a technician knocked briefly, and came in. “Alex?” he greeted, extending a hand.

“Hey, how are you?” she returned warmly – an automatic response. She shook his hand, and hoped he couldn’t feel how clammy hers was.

“Just fine,” he returned curtly.

“Hi, I’m Gabriel.” Gabe stood, introducing himself, and extending his own hand to be shaken.

“Nice to meet you.” His tone was still clipped, and a focused look remained on his lined face.

He turned his attention to Alex. “I’m Doctor Brooks. You’re here for your thyroid? A Fine Needle Aspiration Biopsy…” he observed, looking over the information before him.

“Yes, sir,” she agreed, trying not to let her voice quaver.

“All right, well why don’t you have a seat up here.” Dr. Brooks instructed, motioning her to the exam table.

An incurable gentleman, Gabe rose, and offered his arm, as Alex got situated on the table.

“Should I sit, or lie back?” she asked, adapting to the technician’s professional manner.

“It’s preferred that you lie back, yes,” he agreed, nodding at the latter choice.

The door opened again, and a second expertly dressed individual entered. She was introduced as the assistant, and a pillow was positioned underneath Alex’s shoulders.

Gabe crouched down, opposite the medical personnel. The lettering on Alex’s black tee shirt caught his attention, and he couldn’t help but grin. The logo proclaimed YOU’LL NEVER BE ME in bold white type. She still wore her gray hoodie – the zipper was still being mercilessly and compulsively tugged. Her jeans were old and ripped, and her shoes, Gabe was pretty sure, she had owned for nearly a decade.

As if he noticed Gabe taking in her clothing, Dr. Brooks asked Alex to remove her sweatshirt. Obediently, it was shed, and dropped – now just a small, gray lump on the floor.

Alex clenched and unclenched her hand, hearing instructions, but too panicked to perceive their meaning. Gabe became aware of it, and grasped her hand firmly.

Once her hand was held, Alex’s mind seemed to clear, and she asked, “I’m sorry, what?” She tried, but was pretty certain she couldn’t keep the fear from showing itself in her eyes.

“First, I’m going to feel your neck, to find and identify where the nodule is. It’s very important that you don’t swallow, talk or move while I’m doing the procedure. Once I’ve identified where the nodule is, I’ll begin—“

“Don’t I get something to numb it?” Alex asked urgently.

“For this procedure, it’s not necessary. Now, I’ll need to do approximately two to four aspirations, so it’s going to take several minutes to do. But I need you to be as still as possible. Do you understand?” Dr. Brooks waited.

Swallowing reflexively, Alex nodded, and her grip increased on Gabe’s hand.

“Squeeze my hand, okay? As hard as you want,” Gabe offered.

Alex heard her blood rushing in her ears, and sounds continuing around her. As soon as she felt the doctor’s hand probe her neck, Alex flinched.

“Just relax,” Gabe soothed, trying to calm down himself. He adjusted his position, trying to squat comfortably in his dress pants. The cuffs of the too-long sleeves on his brown, button-down shirt got in the way, as he held Alex’s hand in his. This didn’t end up mattering much, though, since eventually, Alex had snagged a handful of his shirt, and was clutching that, alternately with his hand.

Alex breathed in, in an attempt to calm down. She caught the scent of Gabe’s cologne, and found it strangely reassuring. She felt the needle go in, and squeezed her eyes shut against the pain, and the strange feeling of violation coursing through her.

Gabe watched - his mouth dry, while Dr. Brooks inserted and withdrew the needle four separate times. He watched the tears rolling down Alex’s face, and tenderly reached up to wipe them away before they ran into her hair. His other hand had begun losing feeling the minute the needle was placed.

Suddenly, there was pressure where the needle had been. Alex opened her eyes.

“You can sit up now.”

The doctor was in front of her, his strong hand against the site on her neck. Docile now, Alex sat up, as she was instructed, cringing at the dizziness she felt.

“Are you dizzy?” Dr. Brooks asked, withdrawing his hand, and letting Alex take over for herself. He made a note on her file.

Alex nodded miserably.

“Any other symptoms? Do you have pain in the area?” he asked mildly.

“Yeah,” she managed.

“Well, you’re going to need to sit quite still for a few minutes. Dr. Matheson will observe you, and after that you’re free to go. You’ll be notified of your results in about a week.” With that, Dr. Brooks rose to leave.

“Thank you, sir.” Gabe called after him, trying to quell the nausea that stirred in his stomach at being such a direct observer to the procedure.

“You’re welcome.” And then he was gone.

--

“You gonna make it?” Gabe asked, watching Alex walk across the parking lot to his car.

Nodding again, Alex wordlessly climbed in the passenger seat and waited for him to get in and start the ignition.

“You ready to go home?” he questioned, sure that she was. He eyed the nasty bruise forming on her neck. She caught him, and casually reached up to cover it.

“Does it still hurt?” Gabe asked quietly.

“Yeah,” she agreed, staring out the window. He didn’t realize that getting stared at hurt worse than the physical pain – at least for her.

“Sash?” Gabe asked, using Mikhail’s diminutive to get her attention. It worked. “Did you wanna go home?”

“Not really,” she confessed, swallowing.

“Wanna do coffee?” he asked quizzically.

“Did you forget who you’re with?” she asked, cocking an eyebrow at him. He knew full well that she was hyper enough without the use of any outside influence.

“So, I’ll get you hot cider,” he prodded, his face breaking into a grin. “Come on, come out to coffee with me. You need a break.”

“All right, I’ll go,” Alex sighed, her voice still at half-strength. She was almost afraid to speak normally, for fear of what it would feel like.

Once they arrived, Alex staked out the self-proclaimed squishy chairs, for herself and Gabe, and sat before the fireplace waiting on him, because he always insisted on paying, and bringing her beverage to her.

“Thank you, Gabe,” she said, once he came over, handing her the cup.

“You’re welcome,” he returned, sounding surprised. “I didn’t do anything, though.”

“Not that,” Alex waved him off. “I mean for going with me…” her tone had softened, to the point she sounded almost childlike.

Gabe reached across the little gap between their chairs and took her hand. “You’re welcome,” he said again.

“I’m sorry for not handling myself better,” she apologized mildly, unsure of why she felt compelled to do so.

“Oh, don’t even say that. You’re so strong. When you’re at your weakest moment, that’s when God is at His strongest. Don’t ever apologize for being weak. ‘Cause you know there’s no way I would’ve been able to hold still through that. You were awesome.”

“Okay, shut up,” she admonished good-naturedly. “See, now it’s overkill,” she took a sip of her drink and smiled when she tasted peach tea.

“This isn’t apple cider, or an espresso,” she complained, swatting his arm.

“I figured you didn’t need anything more making you wired. You had a rough day, and caffeine probably would just aggravate it,” he reasoned.

“Thanks,” she said easily.

She saw the regret flash briefly in his eyes, and laughed.

“It’s okay, Gabe, I like tea sometimes…plus, tea has caffeine in it, so I’ll be fine,” she smirked.

“They always show people relaxing when they drink tea!” Gabe exclaimed, sitting forward. “I always thought it didn’t have any caffeine in it.”

Alex laughed heartily. He was just comical.

“So,” she adjusted, sprawling across the chair, “What do you think of Elise?”

“Honestly, I feel bad for her,” Gabe admitted.

“People don’t care for that.” Alex pointed out.

“You mean you don’t care for that,” he amended for her.

“Both.” Alex allowed. “I asked what you thought of Elise as a person, not as a pity case.”

The muscle along Gabe’s jaw tightened briefly. “And I’m not responding to her as a pity case,” he enunciated. “I just mean I can tell she hurts, and that hurts me. You know? It’s the same with you. I don’t pity you. It’s empathy.”

“Sorry,” Alex apologized. “I shouldn’t have said that. But it wouldn’t be a normal day with me if I didn’t put my foot in my mouth at least once right?” she kidded, trying to lighten the mood.

“Right,” he laughed.

“Hey, so can we keep this quiet. This… Me… At the doctor… I don’t want everybody knowing and making a huge deal of it.”

“You don’t want your thyroid as the center of conversation?” Gabe teased his tone gently sarcastic.

“It’s my thyroid! You’re so bad,” she smacked him, grinning.

“No, it’s fine. Just stop hitting me,” he smirked.

--

That night, Alex couldn’t sleep. She was up; her thoughts completely dominated by the possibility of thyroid cancer. She couldn’t keep her tears in, as she lay in bed, staring at the ceiling and feeling dark thoughts take over.

How right was it that she, as a voice major, should endure something so crushing as possible thyroid cancer. Her stomach twisted, and she couldn’t help but let herself cry a little bit. It wouldn’t have been so bad, if her parents knew about it, but as of yet they still didn’t. She was waiting on the phone call, purposely giving her cell phone number as the one to call with her results.

Compulsively, she reached up and felt the right side of her neck, hoping, as she always did, that the lump would be gone. She always prayed it was a dream. It never was.

Restless now, Alex couldn’t stay in bed. She glanced at the clock and saw it was 12:55 AM, she had been trying to fall asleep for an hour.

Out of bed now, Alex tried to decide what to do. Finally, she decided on the kitchen, and padded quietly down the hall. She got a mug down from the cupboard and warmed up some water in the microwave. Then, she added the tea bag, stirring the mixture idly, and thinking about Gabe. She wished she had some peach tea now, and she really wished Gabe was right in his thinking that tea didn't have caffeine, since the last thing she needed was to be up longer.

“This is how it feels to be free. This is how it feels to know that I am forgiven. This is how it feels to be free. This is how it feels… This is how it feels to be free,” she sang helplessly, feeling more like a captive than she ever had. Her voice had cut at almost every note. She wiped her eyes angrily, knowing that tears wouldn’t help anything.

Hours later, her mom was up, making coffee and preparing to go to work. Out of the corner of her eye she saw something move, and turned to see Alex sitting at the island in the kitchen, looking like she hadn’t slept all night.

“Honey, what is it?” she rushed to her daughter and sat next to her, immediately knowing in her gut that something wasn’t right.

Alex just stared for a second, and finally she spoke.

“Mama… Something’s wrong…”

And for the first time, Alex moved her long auburn hair aside, to show the small bandage where the biopsy had been taken earlier the previous day.

“Lexi, what is that?” her mother breathed.

“There’s a lump right there,” she divulged – and I had to have needle thing done to it today, so see what kind it was.” For once, she didn’t feel compelled to cover up what she spoke of, but instead left her hands as they were, flat on the counter top, fingers splayed. Alex studied her hands carefully, and wondered how one part of her could look so perfectly fine, while another possibly housed a war.

Her mother shook her head slightly. “You’re talking about cancer. They think you might have cancer?” Her voice sounded eerily void of emotion.

“Yeah, it might be,” Alex allowed, purposely holding eye contact, determined not to seem out of sorts to her mother, who had been her strength so many times.

Before Alex could move, her mom closed the distance between them and embraced her daughter. “Honey, why didn’t you tell me? I would have been there with you.”

“I’m an adult.”

“You’re my baby,” her mother spoke sharply, and then her tone softened. “And I would have gone with you.”

“Gabe was with me,” Alex shrugged, trying to shake the memory of the invasive procedure.

“Well, I’m glad someone was with you,” her mother agreed, drawing her little girl to her again, determined to keep her safe from the world, even if it was for just a few minutes.

Hating to seem insensitive, but needing to know, she finally held Alex at arm’s length. “When do you get the results?”

“In a week,” Alex replied. “Or so… Then we’ll know more about what to do, or if we have to do anything at all.”

“Okay,” her mother agreed. “Well you keep me up to date. Let me know the minute you get that call. But I need to run.”

Bending in, she kissed Alex on the cheek, and just like that, Alex’s mom was gone – leaving her alone again.

--

She skipped class that day, knowing how wrong it was, but not caring. Instead she stayed curled up in bed, not wanting to face the world or the reality of her situation. Chris came to her mind suddenly, and Alex hated knowing first hand, what the world must look like Chris on most days.

Alex tried everything she knew to get the nagging feeling of hopelessness to lift. She tried to tell herself it was better now, because her mom knew. She wasn’t alone in it anymore. She tried praying, but she just came away frustrated.

“God, why are You so far off in this!” Alex wondered desperately. “You say “Whom shall I fear?” but I’m afraid! How can I not be? God, you know me. This is all I’ve ever wanted to do. I’ve wanted to sing since I could talk. Please don’t allow this to be taken from me! Please, God… Please don’t test me like this, You know I’m bad at it. You know I’m weak, so why are You being like this?” she challenged. “I always thought You never gave us more than we can bear, so what is this? I don’t understand… I love You; You know that.”

Can’t You just take this from me?” Alex begged, her voice finally breaking.

Verses inexplicably flooded her mind. “Cast all Your cares upon Him, because He cares for You. I will never leave you or forsake you. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

Obediently, Alex threw herself at the mercy of her compassionate God, and for once, allowed herself to be still before the Lord…

And an hour later, when she finally dared to move Alex felt a strange peace resting on her. Slowly, she rose to her feet and raised her hands, standing alone in her room. Her mind was still unnaturally focused as she reached down and pushed play on her CD player. She skipped over several songs, until she found the one she needed. It was a song that she felt in every fiber of her being. A song by a group she doubted few of her friends would know of.

“Things never happen like I wish they could. Only in my dreams. I've never been willing to give up my heart, or let myself believe. I have been waiting all of my life just for tonight. This time I'm hoping, holding out for You to let me see the light.

“So make me a believer for once in my life. Right here and now, touch me somehow, let it be tonight. It's all on the line, I'm down on my knees. I don't know how, but I'm ready to see. Clear every shadow of doubt in my mind 'cause I want to believe.

“I've been sitting here, staring at the rain, all alone tonight. Something about You is making me smile with tears in my eyes. Maybe You've noticed, maybe You can tell what's happening to me. When You say my name - touch my heart again, it's making me believe…”

Alex never felt closer to her Lord than she did at that moment, singing with a voice that was broken and skipping more frequently than it held a pitch.

Having all the reassurance she needed, Alex went over to her closet, pulling out her favorite jeans and some old bandanna of Micah’s. She grabbed her hoodie, and her shirt that dared, KEEP STARING AND I MIGHT DO A TRICK. And with renewed hope, Alex prepared to face the day, with the knowledge that she could endure whatever came her way, because Jesus never would leave her side.

Alex stared at her reflection in the mirror, for the first time she could recall in recent memory, she found Alexandra, the baby God had planned for before her mother even knew she existed.