Faith: Chapter 5

Dwell not upon thy weariness, thy strength shall be according to the measure of thy desire.
- Arab Proverb

Belle endured the testing quietly. Any moment she wasn’t throwing up now, she considered a blessing, and while she hadn’t in quite sometime, Belle never considered it outside the realm of possibility. Even before she fully awoke, Belle remembered vomiting.

It hurt to talk, so she tried not to. Unfortunately, that was all anybody wanted from her. Her mom wanted answers, doctors had stupid questions.

“Do you know where you are?”

“Do you know why you’re here?”

She had answered yes twice, her throat aching with each one. When they pressed for details, she gave them, feeling obligated. She knew she had screwed up. And though she largely felt a failure, a tiny piece of Belle was glad she hadn’t succeeded.

When she was asked for the first time if she felt like she was a danger to herself or anyone else, she said no. She could barely lift her head up off the pillow - had barely been able to sit up before she vomited so hard she thought she might pass out.

Despite her pain, Belle did everything she was asked. Though no one knew as much, she remained more terrified of being in the hospital than she was of how her life would be outside it. She answered every question, no matter how embarrassing. She knew the hospital staff was just doing their job, and she was determined to leave as soon as possible.

The only person Belle remained at odds with was her mother. The second she was wheeled back into her room, she was there, waiting.

Her room was sterile. White walls, antiseptic smell, and the constant beeping of monitors that drove Belle crazy. She remembered Alex’s room - in the pediatric wing of this hospital, and wished for something less dismal. Alex had had cards and stuffed animals and balloons. Belle looked around. She didn’t even see the clothes she came in. Or her favorite shoes. She hadn’t been able to bring herself to ask her mom what had become of her choir sweatshirt, or her favorite pair of jeans. She didn’t want to know. And deep down she knew she didn’t deserve gifts or cards. Those things were for people who were justifiably sick, not for cowards who couldn’t face themselves and the truth about their lives.

“Your friends are out in the waiting room,” Sherry said expectantly. “They’d like to see you.”

“I don’t wanna see anybody,” Belle croaked, feeling miserable.

“Missy and Alex came to see you,“ Sherry insisted. “They want you to know they’re here.”

“Did you tell them?” Belle asked suspiciously. She felt a headache coming on, and tried to block out thoughts of her friends’ reactions to her stupidity.

“Of course I didn’t!” Sherry hissed. “Missy knows because Mikhail had to drop Alyona off there in the middle of the night when I wasn’t sure if you were gonna make it! Why would you do something like this to us?”

Belle turned her face away. “I didn’t do it to you,” she denied quietly. “I did it to myself.”

“Let me fix this for you,” Sherry fussed, as Belle‘s bangs fell into her eyes. She moved to brush Belle’s hair out of her face.

Flinching, Belle put a hand up. “Don’t touch me.” Her heart raced crazily inside her and sank as she saw the reprimand in her mother’s eyes.

“I am your mother,” Sherry spoke firmly, reaching out and smoothing Belle’s hair back, ignoring her antics. “All this foolishness needs to stop right now. Do you understand?”

Belle nodded silently.

“Do you understand?” Sherry asked again, looking at her daughter sternly.

“Yes, ma’am,” Belle mumbled, closing her eyes,

Sherry came around the bed, so they were facing each other. “And let’s get one thing crystal clear. When you did this? You didn’t just do it to yourself. You did it to me, to your friends, and everybody who loves you! Do you know what that’s like?” she demanded. “It’s like a big slap in the face.”

“Please, Mom?” Belle begged, feeling tears prick her eyes. “I’m tired.”

“Well, I’m sorry. But we are having this conversation. Why would you do something like that?”

“I don’t know. I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“You’re gonna have to figure it out!” Sherry exclaimed. “Otherwise, you’ll never get out of here, and we can’t afford this as it is!”

“The fight,” Belle whispered, looking at her hands. “You said it was my fault.”

Sherry’s anxiety increased, and she tried desperately to undo the damage she had inflicted. She never thought Belle would go off the edge and do something like this. “Honey, everybody says things when they’re angry,” she tried.

“You know you meant it,” Belle said sadly, studying the back of her hand, where an IV line snaked in.

“Belle. This is just part of growing up. You can’t go around trying to take yourself out of the game every time you hear something you don’t like. You’re an adult. It’s time you started acting like one.” With that, Sherry turned, and walked to the window.

“Do you have a compact?” Belle asked dully. She knew it was a pointless question - her mom always had make up with her.

Sherry dug deep in her purse and pulled it out, feeling grateful that Belle cared about herself enough to at least fix up her face a little.

Taking it with shaking hands, Belle opened it up and stared at her own reflection.

Dark eyes stared back. They were so brown they were almost black, and for a moment, Belle felt herself get lost in them. Slowly, she forced herself to focus on the rest of her. Her skin looked pale and dry. The area around her eyes was red-rimmed and swollen. Confused, Belle looked closer. She didn’t remember crying, but tears tracked down her cheeks anyway, defying her mask of strength and control. It meant nothing. The truth was right in front of her. She was weak. She was a failure. She was at fault.

But, a small voice within her reminded, she was alive. That was something. Especially because only God knew that she really had never wanted to go anywhere, only for the pain to stop.

--

Missy still had a copy of Gabe’s daily itinerary in her Bible from before he left. It not only detailed what they would be doing every day, but also a sample schedule of hourly activities. For that reason, she waited until the afternoon, when she knew they weren’t working, and called the house that was hosting them.

“Hi, this is Melissa Bryant,” she said, as soon as someone answered the phone. “Can I please speak to Gabriel Sanchez? It’s important.”

Lydia immediately went to find Gabe and tell him he had a phone call. They had all prayed that morning for a friend of his, who was in crisis. He had been fighting back tears most of the day, but had kept working anyway. “You can take it in the office.”

“Thank you,” he answered gratefully.

Saying hello, he waited a few seconds, knowing things would be a bit delayed.

“Gabe? It’s Missy. How are you?” she wondered.

Blinking, he shook his head. “I’m fine. How’s Belle?”

“She’s hanging in there. Didn’t want to see anyone yet. But Sherry says she’s being difficult, so she has to be doing fair at least,” Missy offered optimistically.

“Missy,” Gabe said, swallowing back the emotion rising in his throat. “I’m gonna see about leaving early. Our last couple days are just beach and debriefing stuff. I’d rather be home, near Belle and all the rest of y’all during this time.”

“Gabe. Just think on it. Pray about it before you make any major decision. Be sure it’s what God wants,” Missy advised, her voice heavy.

“Will you pray, too? I’m worn out. I can hardly function, and I won’t drop Belle’s name since some of my team knows her. So, it’s just hard to deal with all on my own.”

“You’re not on your own,” Missy reminded firmly. “Your God is with you, just like He’s with Belle in that hospital room. So, we’ll all be praying that you do His will in this. Call me collect if you need to talk. We’re meeting at Micah’s tonight, to let everyone know what’s going on. I don’t remember if I told you that earlier.”

“Yeah, I don’t either,” Gabe admitted. “Thanks so much for calling. If you happen to see Belle, give her some love for me.”

--

It was before seven o’clock when Mikhail came in with Alyona. Micah wasn’t home, but he had told Mikhail where he kept a spare key, and Mikhail let himself in. He knew Missy had called to tell Micah they’d be meeting here, but Micah was out, and he couldn’t get back right away. He said they could all come over, and he would be by as soon as he could.

In the kitchen, Mikhail set Alyona up with juice and Cheerios, and stuck her favorite princess movie in the VCR. Before Micah, Mikhail didn’t know of anyone who had a VCR in their kitchen, but that didn’t matter now. The princess movie would only last an hour, but Mikhail prayed that would be enough time to say what they needed to.

Masha had called him earlier, from the hospital. She had gone back as soon as she could, wanting always for somebody to be there. She told him Belle had been moved to a different room, on the main floor of the hospital, and that she had agreed to have Maria in to see her. Mikhail remembered how she’d wept, telling him how awful Belle looked.

“But Mischa, she held my hand. She gave me comfort when she saw me crying,” she told him, and he could hear the shock in her voice. “She asked about Alya and about you, and she apologized because she heard we came last night, and dropped the baby off with Missy.”

Mikhail knew he would keep the conversation with his wife private. Belle was in such a cautious state right now, he didn’t want to do anything to cause her pain or embarrassment, especially when she wasn’t here to share her own thoughts.

Missy arrived a few minutes later, and then Sasha. Then, Belle’s new friend, Greta. Mikhail went to this new one, and embraced her - he knew without asking that she had been told what happened.

“Belle’s doing much better.” he said quietly as he hugged her. “She speak with my wife.”

Greta nodded. “Okay. Your wife’s there with her now?” Greta asked.

“Yes. She go to visit a little bit.”

“That’s good,” Greta said, sniffling. “I just don’t want her to be alone.”

“She’s never alone,” Mikhail said gently. “Don’t worry.”

Slowly, everyone arrived. Even Ryan showed up, looking healthier than he had the previous year. Mikhail could see instantly who had been told and who had not. Those looking confused like Josh, or smiling like Kylie, hadn’t been told. Those with grief in their eyes so heavy like Greta, Missy, Sasha and himself - already knew the truth.

Once everyone was gathered in the living room, and Micah had returned from his errands, Mikhail stood briefly to check on Alyona. She sat staring at the television, talking to the princess, and urging it to do the right thing and fly away from the bad witch. He walked back around the corner, and reclaimed his chair, bowing his head, as he listened to Missy greet everyone somberly.

“Hey… Shouldn’t we wait for Belle?” Kenzie asked.

“No,” Missy shook her head. “Listen--” Stopping briefly she glanced at Greta who had doubled over with grief.

Quietly, Alex got up and went to her, gently coaxing her to her feet, and taking her to another room. She didn’t need to hear this twice in one day. Alex didn’t want to have to either.

“What’s going on?” Kenzie asked seriously. “What’s Aly doing here?” she looked toward the kitchen, where she heard the unmistakable chatter of her favorite toddler.

Missy took a deep breath, waiting until Alex and Greta were out of earshot. “As I told you on the phone - or as you should have heard - something’s happened. And we need to let you know about it, before you find out another way. Very early this morning, Belle took some pills. She overdosed.”

All around her, Missy watched faces register shock or crumble with grief. Kylie bowed her head. Across the room, Chris looked like he’d been punched.

“Thankfully,” Missy went on, “Sherry found her quickly. She’s in the hospital right now recovering. She’s in rough shape emotionally, I’d imagine, but she’s awake and talking.”

Mikhail looked to Kenzie briefly. “Alyona is here because Masha’s at the hospital now with Belle. We think it’s a good idea for people to be with her.”

Andrew got up suddenly, and went out the front door, letting it slam behind him.

Hastily, Mikhail got up, and followed him out. “Watch Alya,” he said over his shoulder, hoping Missy heard.

Outside, on the snowy front step, Mikhail found Andrew, cursing softly into the darkness.

“Drew,” he said softly, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Come inside. Too cold for you out here.”

“Why the hell would she do this?” he whispered fiercely.

Though it was so bitterly chilly that Mikhail was already losing feeling in his fingers, he stood unmoving in front of Andrew. “I don’t know,” he said, feeling sadness run through him again, like river water.

“Why would she do something like this?” he insisted. “Doesn’t she know how dumb it is?” he glared at Mikhail, daring him to say anything to the contrary.

“Come. I’ll take you home.” Putting an arm around Andrew, he walked with him down the front steps, and drove him a few miles home, quietly sharing with both his parents the news he’d just been told.

He left him in their care, and then drove back to Micah’s. He knew Alyona’s movie would be finished soon, and he didn’t want her unattended in the other room.

Coming back inside, Mikhail was instantly aware of how thick the grief in the room had become. He heard pieces of conversations. Julia asking Ryan what he was doing there. Ryan explaining he had gotten a call from Elise saying there was some kind of meeting and everyone should be there. He saw Rob, Kylie and Elise all huddled together, trying to give each other comfort. Jared and Micah talking quietly, each looking equally grief-stricken.

Just in front of him, sat Josh. One elbow on his knee, his hand on his forehead, shielding his eyes Though he sat almost in the center of the room, he remained alone, uncomforted, and seemingly forgotten.

Mikhail knelt down in front of him, putting his hands on Josh’s knees and waited quietly.

“I didn’t even see it…” he whispered helplessly, as tears soaked the legs of his jeans. “I didn’t even see it…” Silently, he leaned forward, letting his head rest on Mikhail’s shoulder as his small body shook with tears.

Across the room, Ryan excused himself from Julia’s interrogation and approached Chris. He hadn’t moved since Missy stopped talking, and went in the kitchen to check on Mikhail’s daughter.

“Hey, man. You okay?” he asked, putting a hand gently on Chris’s shoulder.

Chris shook his head, silent.

“You need anything?” Ryan tried.

Chris shook his head again, not able to speak. He was grateful though. Nobody else had even approached him.

“Does Gabe know?” Kenzie asked. Chris didn’t think she had addressed the question to anyone in particular, and when she got up to go to the kitchen, he knew he was probably right.

“Missy,” Kenzie said in a rush.

“Mack!” Alyona beamed. “Princess do the right thing!” she reported excitedly.

“Right on!” Kenzie cheered. “Hey, can I have a Cheerio?”

“No. My Cheerios.” Alyona folded her arms across the bowl, a serious expression on her little face. Just as quickly, it was uncovered, and a big smile made her dimples show. “Just kidding! You can have some! I’s just kidding!”

“You are such a kidder!” Kenzie played along, ruffling Aly’s hair. To humor her, Kenzie ate a couple Cheerios and turned to Missy. “Hey. Does Gabey know?” she wondered seriously.

“Yeah. I caught him online early this morning. I had this one overnight,” she gestured to Aly, who was watching them, making silly faces.

“An’ I sleep at Missy’s last night, an’ Missy don’t have Cookie Crisp an’ donuts. She only have Cheerios like these kind. An’ I like these kind!” she finished gleefully, holding one up in each hand and then crunching on them loudly.

“Did she sleep at all?” Kenzie asked, looking sympathetically at Missy.

“Yeah. Eventually,” Missy said tiredly,

“How are you doing with all this?” Kenzie asked curiously.

Sighing, Missy rubbed her eyes. “It hasn’t really sunk in yet. At least she’ll be okay, though.” she said, looking to Aly, mindful that there were little ears listening.

“An’ you’re sad, Missy, huh? You gonna be okay, though,“ she mimicked seriously.

“Yes, sweetie. I’ll be just fine.” Missy stuck her head around the door, searching for Mikhail. Things seemed calm enough, with not too many people crying anymore so she shooed the child into the other room to look for her papa.

Missy watched briefly, as Aly walked around, offering everyone a Cheerio out of her purple bowl and smiled to herself.

“Do you think Belle’s seeing visitors?” Kenzie asked.

Missy shook her head. “Alex and I stopped by earlier, while she was still in ICU. Sherry said she didn’t want to see anybody. But I have a feeling Masha’s gotten to her, and is sitting with her now.”

“How do you know that?” Kenzie asked, pulling on her knit cap, preparing to leave.

“I overheard Mikhail tell Greta.” Missy admitted.

“Well, hey, if you find anything else out, let me know. I need to get going. I’m opening tomorrow.”

Missy stopped her, grabbing her arm. “Hey. You call one of us if you need to talk. Got it?”

“I’ll be fine,” Kenzie promised. “Belle’s okay, that’s all that matters.”

In the next room, Alyona was busy. “Dossy, wanna Cheerio?” she asked, studying him quizzically. “Dossy, wanna Cheerio?” she asked, speaking quieter this time. Not seeing any response, she set the bowl carefully on the floor and climbed into his lap, staring into his eyes. “You’re sad like Missy, huh?”

Miserably, Josh nodded.

Rising to her knees on Josh’s lap, and trying to keep her balance, Alyona wrapped her arms around his neck and squeezed.

“All better?” she asked hopefully, a hand on either side of his face.

Josh forced himself to nod. He just wanted to go home. His mom wasn’t there. Katerina wasn’t home yet - he still didn’t know if she’d be home at all. Andrew had left.

--

Greta leaned heavily against Alex. They were in Micah’s bathroom. Normally, Greta would have had a running commentary going about just how unsanitary it was to be sitting on the floor in a man’s bathroom. Now, it didn’t matter. Now, all her snide, sarcastic comments echoed in her ears. She wondered if she had bothered to tone down all of that, and instead, just listened to Belle, things might have been different.

“How are you?” Alex asked quietly, smoothing a hand over Greta’s hair.

“I feel like crap,” Greta admitted. “I called her that night. Early this morning. She didn’t get the call. And the message is so stupid. Like, ‘You promised to call. Where are you? Pick up the phone.’ Come to find out she’s going through all this…”

“I know…” Alex sighed.

“Know what she said to me last week?”

Alex shook her head.

“Be nice to Elise. Julia’s fair game, and most of you weren’t weirdos, but be nice to Elise. You know I haven’t even met Elise yet?”

“Do you want to?” Alex asked, confused.

“No, I’m not saying that. I don’t know how you can even do this. You’ve known Belle such a long time. We’ve only really been hanging out a few months, and I’m all emotional.”

“Belle loves you,” Alex looked at Greta seriously. “She honestly, really does. You mean a lot to her, and I can tell she means a lot to you. It’s fine to be upset. I’d be worried if you weren’t,” Alex confided.

Greta sat up a little and studied Alex. “I know we don’t, like, know each other or anything…but how are you?”

Alex waited a minute, considering the question. “I think I’m still in shock. Even though, if I think about it, I knew something was wrong. She wasn’t herself for a while.”

“Hindsight’s always 20/20,” Greta said regretfully.

“Are you gonna be okay to drive, or do you want company?” Alex asked.

“I’ll be all right. Call me, though, if you hear anything.”

“I will,” Alex promised.

“Okay. Let’s get out of here. This place is so disgusting, we might as well be licking the toilet seat.” Greta quipped.

“I’m telling Micah you said that!” Alex exclaimed, laughing.

“Good! Then maybe he’ll clean his bathroom!”

--

Jared sat just outside of Belle’s hospital room doorway. The door was open, and he could hear Maria inside, speaking softly - her accented words like a calming lullaby.

Everyone had scattered after hearing the news. He doubted anyone had seen him leave. Except maybe Rob, since he asked him to be sure Josh got home. Jared would have done it himself, except for the obvious. There was no way he could lift even a lightweight like Josh in and out of his van. Rob had agreed, and Jared felt okay leaving, even with Josh looking as upset as he did.

Jared knew from the moment he heard what happened that he had to be there for Belle. His level of comfort in hospitals, and around those who normally made people uncomfortable, far exceeded that of most of his friends. And Jared knew that right now, despite what she might say, Belle needed a friend.

He waited until Maria left the room, and said hello to her, before going inside himself.

Belle was there, her dark hair framing her pale face. She looked ill and much smaller than she did when he saw her the previous day. She didn’t move or take her eyes off the wall when he came in.

Coming up alongside the bed, he took Belle’s hand, startling her.

“Jared,” she said his name thickly. “What are you doing here?”

“How are you doing?” he asked, trying to simultaneously ignore her lifeless eyes and make them come alive.

“What are you doing here?” she asked again. Anger showed briefly in her gaze, and he smiled inside.

“Last time I checked, you weren’t too big on hospitals,” he offered.

“I don’t have a choice. I have to be here. Until they know I’m not gonna try it again,” Belle sounded defeated, and tried to work her hand out of Jared’s.

“Yeah,” he answered knowingly. “You don’t like it in here, do you?” he pressed.

“Would you?” she challenged. Her voice sounded hoarse, and her eyes flashed bitterly.

Jared shook his head. “I can’t say I ever did enjoy my time in these places…”

“I just wanna get out of here,” she admitted, her voice cracking. “I know I shouldn’t have done it. I know it was stupid. I just can’t take it in here.”

“They won’t keep you in here any longer than you have to be,” he reassured.

“That’s what I’m scared of!” Belle exclaimed, wincing as her throat burned. “I’m a head case.”

“Hey. You’re not a head case. Take it easy. Okay? Relax.” Jared squeezed her hand.

“Where’s Maria?” Belle asked, closing her eyes.

“She went down to the cafeteria, I think. She’ll be back.”

“And my mother?”

“I didn’t see her,” he admitted.

Belle sighed, relieved. “I have to talk to a shrink,” she confided, closing her eyes. “And probably have anti-depressants or something.” She sounded ashamed, as if she was letting him down with the admission.

“Maybe it’ll help,” Jared offered.

“Anything’s got to be better than this,” she whispered. “Hey, Jared? Tell everyone I’m sorry?” She didn’t look at him. She couldn’t meet his gaze.

“You don’t owe anybody an apology,” he told her seriously.

Her answer came fiercely, and for the first time, she met his eyes. “Yes, I do! I never wanted to do this, you have to tell them that. It just happened… I just didn’t want to hurt anymore…”

“They understand. I understand.” Jared reassured gently. “It’s okay.” He pressed his lips to her hand.

--

Days in the hospital passed with agonizing slowness. No one told Belle when she could go home. She just kept doing whatever she was asked and answering whatever she was asked to the best of her ability. She endured sessions with the shrink, reassuring him again and again that she knew her actions had been extreme and not smart. There were better ways to deal with stress. She told him continuously that she wasn’t a danger to herself. Belle even confided that she could recognize the symptoms of depression in herself and had known for quite a while that she might need medication.

She was started on anti-depressants, but not before she was told that it could be up to a month before they took effect. Belle didn’t know if she was going to be able to do okay if she felt crappy for that long before she had any relief.

In her private moments, mostly at night with no one around, she prayed long and hard asking the Lord for forgiveness and peace. She knew she’d gone against Him; she didn’t need her mother’s constant lectures to know that. She also knew instinctively that she didn’t need to confess and repent repeatedly. It was just so difficult to forgive herself.

On the fourth day she was hospitalized, Mikhail saw her for the first time. Maria had been there plenty of times, and Jared had been back again, but no one else had been there. Belle was more than a little surprised when Mikhail walked into her room with that big smile.

“You’re much better, I see.” He looked pleased.

She knew she was sitting up in a chair beside the bed, but other than that, she knew she still looked like crap. She didn’t tell Mikhail that, though. It didn’t do any good to tell him things like that.

Instead, Belle forced a smile. She opened her arms tentatively, as she knew he intended to give her a hug.

“Sorry I don’t see you sooner.”

“It’s okay,” she excused. “I’ve been busy, too.”

“That’s what my wife say. And Jared. They all say you work very hard to get better.”

Self-consciously, she nodded.

“Never too busy for you,” he explained, wanting her to understand that she hadn’t been cast to the side. “Right now, you are most important thing. I just let Maria help, ‘cause she wanna do something for you, and care. I don’t wanna overwhelm with too many pressure and people.”

“How you doing?” he asked, stretching out comically in her bed, as she remained in the uncomfortable chair.

She cracked a smile. “I’m okay. I’m taking medicine now. So that should help, whenever it starts to work.”

“That’s good.” he approved, flipping a switch, and making the head of the bed rise. Then, he did the same with the foot of the bed, until he was so bent he looked like a contortionist.

Finally, he put the bed back and sat on its edge, studying her closely. “I’m glad you’re okay. I miss you so much if something happen,” he said sincerely.

Belle looked away quickly. “Mikhail. Do you think God will forgive me?”

“If you ask, God will forgive you anytime. Anything you do wrong.”

“For this?” she pressed, looking at him desperate for absolution.

“For anything,” he repeated confidently, taking her hand and holding it.

“And what about me?” she asked quietly.

He tilted his head, and waited, not understanding.

“Will I ever believe it’s true? Will I ever forgive myself?” For the first time she could recall, Belle didn’t feel ashamed as tears fell down her cheeks.

“We make it true,” he said gently.

“How?” Belle asked, the doubt showing clearly in her eyes.

“We pray for your faith to grow.”

And so they had, each with their head bowed. Belle was weeping, and Mikhail was praying bravely in broken English that God would come into the room with them and cause not only Belle’s faith to grow but also his own.

He prayed that Belle’s broken heart would mend, and that God would make His love for her undeniably clear. He prayed that she would know she was forgiven, and that she would be able to see that there was hope, and that she would come to forgive herself as well, in His perfect timing.