Faith: Chapter 7

Hope is a waking dream.
- Aristotle

It was still dark outside when Sherry dropped Belle off at Rob’s apartment. It was no secret that Sherry still didn’t think Belle was trustworthy, and had she been more awake, Belle would have terribly embarrassed at being dropped off with Rob and Kylie for the day. Neither was it a secret that Rob barely had enough space for himself and Elise. She knew she was going to have to make due with the recliner or the floor, despite barely having been out of the hospital for twenty-four hours.

Belle walked through the darkened hallway with her head down. She knew her mom was just behind her, making sure she did as she was told. Sherry knocked shortly on the door, and Rob was there to open it.

“Hey, Belle.” He stepped back, inviting her inside.

Sherry remained in the doorway, and Belle was vaguely aware of her mother handing him her anti-depressants. She felt her cheeks flame with humiliation. She didn’t want to imagine what today would be like. Being looked after like some kind of child.

She hadn’t seen Rob in the week since she’d overdosed. And in fact, Belle found she couldn’t even look him in the eyes. She had simply walked around him and curled into the recliner by the wall - barely giving the hide-away bed, where Elise slept, a second look.

“I really appreciate this, Rob. It’s just for today, to make sure she does okay.” Sherry apologized.

“It’s no problem. I have to leave after Elise does, but Kylie will be over today. She’ll sit with her.”

“Just make sure Kylie gives those to her for now,” Sherry said, gesturing to the pills he held.

Rob nodded, understanding. “It’s no problem,” he repeated. “And she can stay until whenever.”

After promising to be back by seven o’clock that evening, Sherry left.

Rob turned, and quickly scanned the room for Belle. He was surprised to find her folded into the old recliner.

Approaching her, he shook her shoulder gently. She startled badly at his touch.

Instantly Rob put his hands up, while his heart sank in his chest. He remembered the brief time last year when he had scared her and felt the old guilt rising inside him.

“Hey. I’m sorry. I just wondered if you wanted to sleep somewhere else. I’ve got an air mattress,” he gestured to the front closet.

“This is fine,” Belle said tiredly.

She looked in pain, and Rob almost asked if she wanted anything before he thought better of it. “Do you…I don’t know…need ice or anything?” he asked helplessly.

“No,” Belle mumbled, closing her eyes. The chair had lumps, and she could feel the springs in the seat. It wasn’t comfortable whatsoever, but she vowed to make due.

“Here,” Rob said gently, coaxing her to sit up. He took the blanket from behind her. “Do you want to keep your coat on?” he asked.

“It doesn’t matter,” she sighed.

“All right.” Silently, he moved to the foot of the chair and removed her boots. Then, he spread the blanket over her.

“I’ll be in the kitchen if you need anything,” he said quietly, before leaving her side.

Gratefully, she fell into a deep sleep once she was left alone. She neither dreamt nor stirred. Not when Kylie arrived a while later, or when Rob and Elise each left.

--

Belle flinched, feeling someone’s hand on her. “Don’t,” she gasped.

“Baby, it’s Kylie. You wanna wake up for me?” she said gently.

“Mm-mm,” Belle mumbled, turning her face away from the noise.

Kylie smiled sadly. “Come on, sweetie. Wake up and come out to the kitchen. Have some breakfast with me,” she coaxed.

“I don’t want to,” Belle denied tiredly, turning over.

She started awake then, realizing where she was. Someone had moved her. She wasn’t in the recliner anymore, but the hide-away where Elise usually slept.

Kylie laughed softly. Belle looked endearingly confused. “Rob moved you over here after Elise went to school,” she explained. “Come on and have breakfast.” she encouraged again.

Belle didn’t see the point in arguing. She didn’t have the energy, and there was really no way to get out of a meal when you were around Kylie. She loved to feed people.

Slowly, Belle got up, and followed Kylie into the kitchen. She was still in her jacket and still felt cold. She sat down listlessly at the table and waited, doubting she’d be able to handle more than a few bites of anything. This medicine had done horrible things to her appetite.

“You want some tea? Rob has a little,” Kylie invited, walking around to the cabinets.

“Just water’s fine.” She stared down at her hands, in shock - again - at what she had done.

Kylie moved quickly, wanting nothing more than the opportunity to sit with Belle and let her know she was loved. She didn’t bother asking what Belle wanted to eat - she didn’t look hungry whatsoever, but Kylie was going to make sure she had something in her stomach before she took that pill.

She hurriedly fixed Belle a piece of toast, praying she would eat it, and joined her at the table with a cup of coffee.

“I’m sorry I woke you,” Kylie apologized. It was after 9 AM, and she knew that Belle almost never slept later than 8:00 - even on weekends. But she was going to make sure Belle had her pills on time and didn’t sleep the day away.

“It’s okay,” Belle dismissed, staring dismally at her piece of toast. Finally, she picked it up and took a bite.

Kylie studied Belle, looking concerned. Her friend was pale, and even her dark hair looked lifeless. She seemed smaller, and like she constantly felt cold. “Eat a little more,” Kylie said, pointing to the toast with a tiny nibble out of the corner.

Sighing, Belle picked it up obediently, and took another bite. She didn’t say what she was thinking. Eating wasn’t doing anything for her. It wasn’t helping. And the stupid medicine wasn’t going to help either. It was only going to make her feel worse.

But inevitably, Kylie felt she had eaten enough and handed her the pill. Belle kept her eyes on her glass of water, knowing Kylie was watching to make sure she took it. She swallowed, and immediately got up from the table, and crawled back into bed.

“No… I’m not havin’ it,” she said firmly, taking Belle by the hands and forcing her to sit up.

“I’m tired,” Belle complained softly.

“I know you are. But I’m not havin’ you hide away from the world like this. Stay awake and visit with me.”

“I’m not feeling social…” Belle muttered darkly. “Sorry to disappoint you.”

Kylie caught the trace of attitude in Belle’s tone, and though it pleased her to hear, she knew she wasn’t going to have it.

“Belle. You better watch your tone, baby,” she warned mildly. “I understand you been through a lot. I do. But you need to understand that I’m lookin’ out for you. I’m sorry if you don’t like it. I love you, and I ain’t just lettin’ you curl up inside yourself.”

“I just wanna sleep,” Belle admitted quietly.

Kylie reached for her hand and held it. “Why?”

“’Cause I’m tired. ‘Cause everything feels like so much, I don’t know what to do. ‘Cause I’m ashamed,” Belle casually worked her hand out of Kylie’s.

Determined, Kylie took it back, and held it in both of hers. “But is it yours to carry?” Kylie asked seriously.

Belle shrugged, staring at the pattern on the quilt across her lap.

“Look at me.” Kylie waited, forcing herself to look back when Belle’s pain-filled eyes met hers. “Is it your burden to carry?”

“No,” Belle whispered.

“So , give it to God. He wants to take it from you,” Kylie encouraged lovingly.

Belle closed her eyes. “I can’t.” she said heavily.

There was a pause, while Kylie considered. “Can you give it to me? Just a little bit…”

“I don’t know…” Belle’s voice sounded hollow, and her stomach felt uneasy.

Without warning, Belle felt Kylie’s arm around her, pulling her close. She flinched.

“Don’t do that,” Belle said evenly.

“It’s all right. I just want you to sit here with me. We don’t have to talk.” There was silence for a second, as Kylie ran her hand over Belle’s hair. “You mad?”

Belle nodded.

“What are you mad about?” Kylie questioned.

“Don’t wanna be looked after,” Belle muttered. “It’s embarrassing. I’m not a child.”

Kylie smiled. “You’re just barely grown. Everybody needs lookin’ after once in a while. Nothin’ shameful in that.”

Belle sighed. Kylie would never understand. To her, everything had answers. She felt tears start and fought them back.

Hurriedly, Belle got up, and headed for the bathroom. She felt her nausea increase with every step and prayed she’d get there in time. Turning to shut the door, she was surprised to see Kylie standing in the doorway, her hand keeping it open.

“What are you doing?” Belle asked angrily.

“No closed doors,” Kylie said seriously.

“I’m gonna be sick, Kylie, please!” Belle begged, trying to close the door.

“Then be sick. It don’t bother me,” she continued to stand in the doorway with her arms crossed.

Slowly, anger was taking the place of Belle’s nausea. She had enough of being followed around. She had enough of being told what to do, and having no privacy, and having every move she made observed by someone else.

“Get out. I don’t need to be watched,” she insisted, concealing her shaking hands in her pockets. She hadn’t expected this kind of response from her body. Her anxiety level had increased exponentially. As much as she complained, Belle prayed Kylie would stay, and not leave her to herself. Being in a restroom brought back the memory of the week before when she’d been at her lowest.

Quietly, Kylie stepped inside the room, and closed the door behind her, waiting.

Belle reached to open the cabinet above the sink, and Kylie stepped in front of her. She stared her friend down with a piercing gaze.

Frustrated now, Belle tried again. “I just wanna find my own stuff!” she yelled hoarsely.

“It ain’t in there,” Kylie denied calmly.

‘Where is it?” Belle’s eyes shone with tears, as she choked out the words. “I don’t need them to be given to me.”

“Yes, you do. That’s enough now. Come on out of here,” Kylie said firmly.

“Just leave me! I want you to leave me! Just go!” Belle exclaimed, her voice skipping with the stress she was under. She moved to push Kylie away, but Kylie was quicker.

In a second, she had Belle’s back against her and was walking with her out to the living room.

Belle had no choice but to go along.

They sat down, and Kylie pulled her close. Belle immediately pulled away.

“Stop,” Kylie said calmly, taking Belle in her arms. “You’re just fine. Don’t fight. You’re okay.”

“Take your hands off me!” Belle screamed.

“Hush. That’s enough. Do you hear me?” Kylie insisted quietly, rocking back and forth with Belle securely in her arms.

Feeling she had no choice, Belle broke down, sobbing. “Don’t tell my mother,” she begged, through ragged breaths. “Don’t tell her I’m crying…”

“It’s okay. I won’t tell her. All right?”

Belle nodded. For several more minutes she remained there, curled up against Kylie, trying to gain control of herself.

“I don’t know why I’m like this. I’m sorry…” Belle managed.

“You been through a lot. It’s understandable,” Kylie soothed. “I’m here to help you, though. So’s Rob and Elise… We all love you.”

“Why?” Belle muttered angrily.

“We do we love you?” Kylie asked, taking Belle at arm’s length, and cupping her face. “We love you ‘cause you’re you.”

Belle averted her eyes.

“Baby, why you so upset with yourself?” Kylie pressed.

Shrugging, Belle turned her face away. “I don’t wanna talk about that. I’m not ready,” she said quietly.

“Well, when you are, I’ll be here,” Kylie promised.

--

The rest of their day was relatively mundane. Kylie stayed by Belle’s side all the time. Even when she briefly stepped into another room - she made sure she always had a good eye line right to Belle to observe how she was and what she was doing.

Elise came home from school, and immediately went to Belle’s side, not speaking. She just sat there, with her arms around her friend. Kylie was glad to see Belle was more relaxed and content to just sit.

Kylie and Elise fixed dinner, while Belle sat at the table and tried to stay awake. Just the scent of food turned her stomach, but she couldn’t force herself to go to the restroom - not if it meant a repeat of the feelings she’d had that morning. She didn’t know why it was this bathroom, and not her own that did it. Maybe it was because she knew before she came home, her mother had gone through and cleared out all the medicine, so even if she wanted to, Belle couldn’t find any.

Dinner was quiet. Rob came home in time to eat, and as promised, Kylie said nothing about Belle’s earlier bad behavior.

Belle tried to eat, as long as Kylie’s gaze was resting on her, but she wasn’t hungry. She wasn’t talkative either and felt regretful that she wasn’t being more polite to them all. Under the circumstances, she just didn’t have the energy.

Her mother showed up at seven o’clock, just as planned. Belle didn’t look at Rob, Elise or Kylie on her way out the door. She didn’t go to Kylie and give her a hug and apologize like she wanted; she didn’t do anything that required extra energy on her part. It was just too much. Despite her mother’s expectant gaze, Belle never thanked them.

She was outside before she realized that she hadn’t taken her coat off since she arrived that morning. All day, she had worn it, trying to quell her own shaking, and wanting to hide her own weakness. It was the same brown leather one she had worn to visit Alex in the hospital the previous year. The same one she remembered Jared grabbing a hold of when she tried to run.

Where was everyone now? Where were the friends she always thought would never leave her side? No one had been there that night, keeping her there. Not one had noticed her descent into the seemingly bottomless pit of hopelessness which she was now well-acquainted with. No one was holding onto her now. And when people tried, Belle fought them off, determined to be self-reliant. While she knew it wasn’t the smartest course of action, it was all she knew to do. She wasn’t ready to face her demons yet, and when she did, Belle knew she was going to have to do it alone.

--

“You had better be getting on that phone and calling to apologize,” Sherry warned, as soon as they were on the road. “I raised you better than that.”

Silently, Belle glared at her mother, glad that her attention was on the road. She pulled out her cell phone and called Rob and Elise’s.

“Hello?” Elise answered. Belle couldn’t tell if she sounded busy or not.

“Hey Elise, it’s Belle,” she said, forcing her tone to warm.

“Did you forget something?” Elise wondered. “You just left.”

“Yeah, I forgot to thank y’all for takin’ care of me,” she admitted. “Actually I didn’t forget,” Belle amended, feeling her mother’s piercing stare. “I just never did. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, Belle. We love having you,” Elise said, smiling.

“Could you put Kylie on? Is she still there?” Belle asked, hoping she was, so another phone call wouldn’t need to be made.

“Sure. Hold on.”

Belle waited patiently, as Elise walked away from the phone and Kylie eventually picked it up.

“Hey Beauty,” she greeted, and Belle could tell she was smiling.

Belle held her breath for a second, so she wouldn’t tell Kylie what she was really thinking. She hated that nickname.

“I’m sorry,” Belle apologized. “For not saying thank you for everything you did for me.” She stared out at streetlights and trees decorated with holiday lights, so she wouldn’t have to wonder what her mother was thinking in the seat beside her.

“You better not apologize to me…” Kylie warned gently. “It’s not important.”

“I’m sorry,” Belle said again, hoping Kylie would understand that she was apologizing for more than a lack of politeness.

“It’s okay.” Kylie said it in a way that made Belle believe it was true.

“Is Rob there, too?” Belle asked. “I’d like to talk to him.”

“Baby, all this apologizin’ you’re doin’ ain’t necessary, trust me. Rob understands. So do I. So does Elise.” Still, Kylie knew Belle wouldn’t give up until she had spoken to him, so she walked into the next room, where he was folding clothes, and handed him the phone.

“Rob? It’s Belle.” she said as soon as he got on the phone. “Thank you for letting me come over today. Sorry I didn’t thank you before…”

“No problem,” he said easily, “How are you doing?”

“I’m fine,” she forced herself to say, though it was the farthest thing from the truth,

“Okay,” Rob agreed, knowing Belle well enough to assume that Sherry was the reason for her calling and insisting to speak to the three of them and apologize. He suspected that she didn’t have the energy to care about such things. But Sherry did. “If you need anything, call us.”

“I will,” Belle said obediently, knowing she would do no such thing. She hung up shortly thereafter and looked around.

“Where are we going?”

Her mother seemed annoyed. “I haven’t been able to get groceries for the last week, or anything else for that matter.” she grumbled.

Belle sunk lower in the seat. “Can’t you just drop me off at home?”

“Privacy is a privilege, and it’s one that you have lost.”

Belle hated the tone of finality her mother’s voice held. “Will I ever get it back?” she asked, half hoping her mom didn’t miss the cynicism in her comment.

“I need to know I can trust you to be left alone. Right now I don’t trust you farther than I can throw you. Prove to me you can be trusted when you’re around people, and we’ll work up to your being on your own.”

Belle was so busy stewing over her mother’s rules that she barely noticed when they pulled in the parking lot in front of Super Target. Only when they approached the doors did it dawn on her where she was. Belle’s heart simultaneously sank and leapt as she realized Greta could be working.

She had seen a few of her friends’ reactions already, but had no idea how Greta might look at her now that she knew the truth about what she’d done. It hadn’t escaped Belle that Greta hadn’t stopped by the hospital to visit. She hadn’t expected anyone to come, really. But from the minute she heard that Alex and Missy were out in the waiting room, and anytime someone came in to see her, Belle had quietly hoped it was Greta.

Waiting until her mother was busy inspecting heads of lettuce, Belle stole over to the food service area, and scanned behind the counter briefly. She still couldn’t shake the sick feeling she got grocery shopping. While Belle hadn’t always had it, it had come with the nightmares, reminding her of childhood mistakes, and bad aftermaths.

Shaking her head, Belle focused her attention again, but she couldn’t see anyone she knew right away. Sounds of bickering floated out from the back area. Belle heard something crash and winced, hoping all the customers in the dining area wouldn’t feel compelled to leave.

Nervously, Belle waited near the front counter.

“Can I help you?” a teenage boy asked. He looked annoyed at having a customer at all, and she wondered if he realized how rude he sounded.

“Is Greta James working tonight?” Belle asked tentatively.

“Greta!” he called.

“Yeah?” Belle heard her voice, and smiled to herself, despite the fact that Greta sounded annoyed too.

“Customer,” he told her.

Irritated, Greta stepped away from the large sink of dishes that had gotten left by the morning people. This little pipsqueak was so inept it was sad. She suspected the only reason he worked here at all was to brag to his little friends and get a three-cent discount on his tacos.

“Alan, you think you can manage washing dishes for a minute?” she whispered, not even glancing up.

“Why can’t the other girl do it?” he balked.

“Because she’s busy,” she snapped quietly.

Stepping up to the register, Greta immediately changed her tone. “Hi, what can I get for you?”

“Hey,” Belle forced herself to speak up a little, to be heard over the noise.

Greta’s head snapped up. “Oh. Belle,” she seemed at a loss for words.

Belle forced a smile. “Can I get my usual?”

“Yeah. Hold on, and I’ll take my break.” Greta said hurriedly.

Belle had her food in minutes, though she knew she wasn’t going to eat it. She felt bad coming and not ordering anything at all. She might need to have a little breadstick, but she doubted she could do pizza.

Greta knew she would need to stay in the dining area, just in case Alan messed anything up. Luckily he was getting off soon, so she wouldn’t have to worry about him when she closed. For a minute she just sat and stared at Belle, whose pizza and breadsticks remained unopened in front of her.

“Are you okay?” she finally managed.

Belle nodded, averting her eyes. “I got your message,” she said quietly. “Sorry I haven’t called you back.”

“No, it’s fine,” Greta insisted. “How long have you been out?”

“Yesterday morning,” Belle admitted, holding the warm pizza box in her hands.

“What are you doing here?” Greta asked, busily taking a breadstick and drenching it in marinara sauce.

Belle shrugged, her mood sullen. “My mom’s buying lettuce. She thinks privacy is a privilege that I lost, so I’ve gotta get dragged everywhere with her.”

“So instead of staying around her, you decided to come find me,” Greta raised her eyebrows. “You know she’s going to, like, pop a vein, when she sees you’re gone, don’t you?”

“I don’t like shopping for groceries,” Belle said, sliding the pizza box across the table.

“I don’t think that’s gonna matter,” Greta said, smiling a little.

It only took a couple minutes until Sherry located Belle. Her search had been brief and frenzied until she realized where he daughter would most likely go.

“Belle. Let’s go,” Sherry said sternly.

“Gotta go,” she told Greta, leaving the pizza in front of her.

“Wait! You paid for this, don’t you want it?”

“No, you can have it.” Belle said, as her mother hurried her along. She felt her cheeks burn as her mom reached for her hand purposefully and held it.

“I can’t turn my back for two seconds…” Sherry fumed. “Didn’t we just talk about this? You havin’ to earn trust back? Behaving like an adult?”

Belle didn’t comment on the fact that she was having her hand held as they walked through the parking lot. She didn’t see the point in making things any worse.

--

It was near eleven o’clock when Belle got home. After the store, they had stopped by somewhere else to pick up something her mom needed for work.

Though Belle was exhausted, she knew better than to go to bed. She was still having horrific nightmares every time she closed her eyes. No amount of praying was making them leave.

Instead, she went to the computer and turned it on. She tried to ignore her shaking hands and nauseous feeling that plagued her. Both had become like companions.

She opened her email, and instantly saw one in her inbox. It was from Gabe. She read it quickly, feeling tears form in her eyes. He was always so good to her, despite what she had done to herself.

Her eyes were drawn to the last line, before the P.S.

What’s making you sad right now?

How did he know she’d needed someone to ask her that all day?

To: Sanchez.Gabriel@hotmail.com
From: SuoSoleBella@aol.com

Deep down, everything is making me sad right now, and that’s part of the reason I feel so messed up right now. Even if a situation in my life isn’t necessarily bad right now - I keep expecting it to turn bad. In my head, it’s like hard times are reality and anything good is just an illusion that I can’t fully accept or trust. And times like this it seems like there’s nothing that will make it better, except really unhealthy choices I don’t want to make. I feel so stuck, and it’s hard to convey in words.

Before thinking better of it, Belle sent the message. She felt a small weight lift off her shoulders at having done the right thing. She knew Gabe wouldn’t judge her or react in a wrong way to her pain. He was getting better about that, and Belle was grateful.