Faith: Chapter 12

Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light.
- Helen Keller

When Belle got home from school the day of Mikhail and Maria’s party, she was exhausted but excited for the first time in months. That morning, she had come in the kitchen and discovered an envelope left by Gabe. Inside, she found a message from his teammate on the mission trip. Belle knew Christian. He was one of the nicest people she knew, and she had tried often in her more social days to get him to join their young adult group. Though he turned her down every time, he was always polite to her. He was always the first to hold the door for someone, or encourage them with a smile or a kind word.

She had waited until now to open the envelope - a little nervous to know what was inside. Belle knew if the words happened to be condemning, she wouldn’t be able to make it to school that day, and she needed to, in order to turn in late assignments and keep up where she could. Despite knowing Christian was a nice person, Belle knew suicide was a different thing altogether. Even the kindest people who had a relationship with Christ tended to change if the words attempted suicide were mentioned. Since her return to church, Belle was well-versed in everyone’s opinion of her, since someone let it slip what was happening with her.

But the message Christian had for her wasn’t condemning. It was hopeful. He reminded her that the Lord had a plan for her life, quoting some verses from Jeremiah, and letting her know he had been praying for her. She smiled, remembering that Christian didn’t even know who he’d been giving the message to, but had gone ahead and done it anyway, trusting that Gabe would pass it on. His team was home now. Belle had seen Christian in church the past Sunday. She knew without asking that he was aware of what she’d almost done, yet he hadn’t spoken one unkind word, and continued to look her way and smile, continued holding the door for her. Belle felt so blessed to have friends like him.

Belle thought of Andrew and how much their friendship had shifted. She suspected he was one of the church-goers who might have different opinion of her now. It hurt to think that twelve years of friendship might so easily be gone, but Belle had to be prepared for the fallout. She had made a choice, and choices had consequences. She knew her friendship with Missy was changing, too. Belle wasn’t sure if it was for the better or not, but she was willing to hang in there and find out. There was one thing Belle knew for certain now, and that was that she wasn’t to blame for anything. That had been a huge relief. Since the conversation with her mother, Belle had been sleeping better - she still had nightmares, but not as frequently. Plus, her side-effects from the medication were finally starting to become manageable, and little by little, Belle was noticing a change in herself.

She knew enough, though, to realize that God was working on her heart and mind too. Belle had slowly began to believe what key people around her told her all the time. If she asked God, and was repentant, He would forgive her no matter what she’d done. And though there were days when Belle was still stuck in the mire of regret and self-loathing for what she’d done, that was improving by leaps and bounds.

Tucking the note from Christian in her pocket, Belle knew she had to get ready soon if she wanted to be on time at Mikhail and Maria’s. Only briefly did she consider wearing a dress and looking together, as she had the year before. Instead, Belle decided to go to the party as she’d gone to school - presentable but not fancy. She would dress honestly. And, she decided, leave the bandana at home.

--

Belle rode with Greta over to Mikhail and Maria’s. Greta had been more than a little surprised that Belle was going, given the various disasters that had happened the last time she’d been around her friends. But Greta didn’t push it. Belle was out of the house by her own desire, and that was something for sure.

“You have a coat on, you know?” Greta pointed out, staring at the fleece blanket Belle wore over the top of all her other layers. It looked like a big brown shawl, and it was covered in moose heads.

Belle nodded. “I know, but I like this.” She adjusted a little in the seat so the seatbelt would fit comfortably.

“Okay then,” Greta commented dryly, pulling out of the driveway. “By the way, how did Mikhail get my email address?”

“I gave it to him.”

“Why?” Greta asked, staring hard at Belle, before she focused her attention back on the road.

“Because he wanted to invite you, and you weren’t there on Thursday,” Belle explained.

Greta turned onto a side street, preferring it to the busy main road. “We had a flood today,” she said, barely acknowledging Belle’s previous comment.

“Where? At your house?”

“Think about it. Where does every bad thing ever happen to me?” Greta insisted.

Belle’s eyes widened. “How did that happen? Did you leave Alan unsupervised?”

Greta shook her head. “I have no idea! And then, when I called for assistance and asked for them to bring a mop, they brought a broom,” she gave Belle a disgusted look.

“How does your store hire these people? What were they planning to do? Sweep up the water?”

Rolling her eyes, Greta let out a sarcastic chuckle. “They need to start running common sense checks on people, along with the background checks.”

“That means you’d be out of a job…” Belle quipped.

“Oh, shut up!” Greta snapped good-naturedly. “You wanna eat beforehand?”

“No way,” Belle denied. “I don’t have much of an appetite anyway, and they’re gonna have an absolute Christmas feast over there.”

“I keep forgetting we’re not going to Micah’s. That guy hardly buys enough groceries to feed himself, much less his guests.”

“We won’t go hungry, trust me,” Belle promised.

--

Gabe arrived in plenty of time to help set up and even brought an extra from his Costa Rican coffee supply for the celebration. He’d had it all along, but wanted it to be used where it could bring the most joy. He helped Maria set food out, and intercepted Chris’ famous barbecued chicken to set it on the counter, and steal a piece before everyone arrived, and it was gone in seconds.

Christmas was only a few days away now, and Gabe could hardly believe it. The past weeks had gone by so fast, and so much had happened. There was a knock on the door, and he could hear Aly’s little feet running toward it. “Come in!” she called loudly.

On the other side of the door, Belle smiled. She hadn’t seen Aly in ages. Carefully, she eased open the door, and peeked around it.

Aly’s entire face lit up when she saw who had come to visit. “Belle! You come to my house for the party!” she said excitedly, launching herself into Belle’s arms.

“I sure did. Did you miss me?”

The little girl nodded until all her curls bounced around on her head. “For a long time, I miss you,” she told her friend seriously, giving Belle a tight squeeze around the neck. “Who’s that?” Aly asked, looking curiously at Greta, who was taking off her coat.

“This is Greta. She’s my friend,” Belle introduced simply.

“An’ I am your friend, huh?” Aly said, smiling.

“You sure are. Now why don’t you go find Papa and Mama? I’ll play with you in a little bit, okay?” she promised.

From the kitchen, Gabe heard his friends arriving and stepped away from what he was doing.

“Hey ladies,” he greeted, smiling. Reaching out, he gave Belle a hug. Instinctively, he didn’t do the same with Greta. She didn’t strike him as the hugging type.

“Hi, Gabe.” Belle smiled.

Aly, who still hadn’t managed to leave for the other room took Greta by the hand. “Here. You have some chicken, okay?”

Against her will, Greta smiled down at the little girl. “You’re pretty smart, huh?”

Nodding distractedly, Aly continued to chatter. “You can have all the chicken an’ food my mama make.” she said importantly, pulling Greta to the kitchen.

“What about your papa? Did he make food, too?” Greta asked curiously. She didn’t think Mikhail could cook, but wanted to find out anyway.

Aly shook her head and wrinkled her nose. “He don’t know how. He jus’ play with me.”

Mikhail was sitting at the table arranging bowls when Greta saw him. “Your daughter just told me you don’t know how to cook,” she said smirking.

“I don’t,” he answered, smiling at Aly.

Greta laughed. “Well, thanks for the warning. I’ll remember that.”

“Papa,” Aly said seriously, climbing into Mikhail’s lap, and staring into his eyes. “Belle come over. She not sad anymore.”

From the other side of the table, Greta felt her breath catch, and in that moment she wished she could believe things with as much conviction as this three-year-old girl.

--

People continued to arrive, but Belle was content to remain on the couch next to Gabe, who showed her pictures from his mission trip.

“…And this is where we stayed,” he was saying, indicating a certain house. It was white and surrounded by mango trees. Gabe kept going, showing pictures of Macario, Manuela, and all the other children who had impacted his life.

“Reminds me of my own trip,” Belle admitted turning wistful. “That seems like so long ago.”

Gabe touched the blanket around her shoulders gently. “What’s this?” he asked, smiling. He didn’t want Belle to get too down.

“My moose blanket,” she said easily. “Hey, where’s Georgie?”

Blinking, Gabe stared at her. “Who?”

“That spider,” Belle insisted. “The one who likes to take showers.”

Gabe chuckled. “Jorge,” he corrected. “He’s right here.” Flipping through the pictures, Gabe found the one he was looking for and showed her.

Belle studied the picture carefully. “He’s so big…” she breathed. “You should show Greta this one. She’d like it.”

“You seem like you’re feeling a little better,” Gabe commented cautiously.

“I am. The medicine might be working, finally. And my mom and I talked,” she confided quietly. “So that helped a lot.”

Gabe smiled broadly. “That’s so awesome. I’m glad. Can I get you something to eat?”

Tilting her head, Belle thought about it. “Maybe a little of that barbecue Chris brought. If there’s any left…”

“You got it.” In seconds, Gabe was up and in the kitchen.

Alex had arrived late as usual, wearing Christmas garland around her neck and a gaudy red bow in her hair. Other than that, she dressed as she normally did. Her shirt was a burnt orange color, and said I HAVE CONTROL ISSUES.

“Bella!” she called happily, launching herself into the empty space beside her friend and planting a big kiss on her cheek. “Hook me up,” she said, motioning for Belle to open the blanket, so she could warm up.

“You’re freezing!” Belle gasped. “Get out from under here; you’re making me cold!”

Alex laughed, and squirmed out of the blanket. “Nice look by the way,” she quipped, catching a look at Belle’s dark green sweatshirt and black jeans.

“Here you go,” Gabe said, handing Belle a plate full of chicken and piroshkis, the Russian pastries that Maria made each year. He didn’t know if she liked them, but he figured he’d take a chance on it and see what happened.

Finally looking up, Gabe noticed Alex. “Oh! Stay right here. I have a surprise for you.”

“…If it’s eyeball fruit, you’re eating it with me,” Alex whispered conspiratorially in Belle’s ear.

“You’ll be eatin’ that all by yourself,” Belle said confidently, taking a bite of chicken.

Gabe returned momentarily with a cup in hand. It was brimming with coffee.

Alex’s eyes lit up. “No way…Is this the Costa Rican stuff? You are amazing,” she said firmly and took a long drink. It burned her mouth, but that didn’t matter. The coffee was deliciously rich. Even though Gabe had brought it to Alex black, it tasted surprisingly sweet. She decided it had been well worth the wait.

Mikhail and Maria’s was swarming with people now. Josh and Katerina had arrived, and Josh was busy introducing his sister around. Elise, Rob and Kylie had gotten there too, and all three had dressed to impress. Belle tried not to be self-conscious about coming dressed so casually. She saw Missy across the room, and Belle wondered if she knew everything was okay now.

Belle couldn’t help but smile as she watched Rob lead Kylie to the exact spot where the mistletoe hung and waited expectantly beneath it.

“Well?” he asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Well, what?” Kylie studied him as if he worried her.

Grinning, Rob leaned in and kissed her long and full on the mouth. All around them, little cheers went up. Belle even caught Elise smiling in their direction, even as Jared and Micah whistled their encouragement.

Kenzie and Julia came after that. Belle was relieved that Rob and Kylie got to simply enjoy each other’s affectionate moment without hearing a snide comment in the background. Chris had been there since before she and Greta, and was busy distributing chicken, wearing an apron and a chef hat.

The last to come was Andrew. Belle had wondered if he would show up at all, but there he was, dressed like he always was in a button down shirt and jeans. She had seen him plenty since being released from the hospital - school mostly - but they hadn’t talked.

When he came Belle’s direction, she felt her stomach drop. She tried to stay calm, but couldn’t deny that she was worried about what he might say.

People in church had been bad enough - the pastor’s wife wanting to talk to her about “what was going on,” the other congregants who looked at her with wary or disappointed eyes. Some were bolder and shared with her what they thought of her decision, that she had sinned and needed to repent, and more, that her not being happy with herself was like an insult to God. Age hadn’t been a factor. Neither had status in the church. Everyone had an opinion, and the bravest had shared theirs with her. But she still didn’t know what Andrew thought. That scared her.

“How are you?” Andrew asked standing before the couch and looking down at her. Thinking better of it, he crouched down to look into her eyes.

Belle just stared, feeling confused. She hadn’t thought he cared how she was. “I’m okay,” she managed. “How are you?”

“Sorry,” he said sincerely. “I’m sorry I brushed you off when you needed me.”

“I missed you,” Belle said softly. “And I’m sorry for hurting you…I really wasn’t thinking.”

Andrew held his hands up. “Don’t apologize. You don’t need to. So, are you doing okay now?” he wondered.

“A little better.”

Smiling, Andrew stood up. “That’s good,” he looked over his shoulder. “Uh-oh. Looks like things are about to turn official. Talk to you later?” he asked.

Belle nodded and kept her seat as everyone assembled in the living room to pray. She knew what was coming. Letters. They had written them frequently early on but hadn’t done so in about a year. Mikhail came in with notebooks and pens. Belle knew he had waited until Maria went to put Aly to bed, so the little girl wouldn’t disturb things.

“Got a mail shortage again, Mikhail?” Jared teased.

Greta finally came into the living room, taking the seat beside Belle. It hadn’t escaped either one that no one moved to fill it. “What are we doing?” Greta whispered.

Belle shushed her, indicating the Mikhail would explain. She was just grateful the prayer hadn’t gotten too intense or personal. She could deal with Julia’s know-it-all, disgusted looks all night if Belle could be assured that they wouldn’t all come around her and try to touch her. She still wasn’t ready for that.

“Tonight,” Mikhail said quietly, “I want everyone to write me something. Much of you already do this. Katerina, it’s okay if you don’t wanna write. But everyone else, I like a letter from you. Tell me something about you. How you’re doing. Something you learn. We don’t do this for a year, so you’ll have lot to say to me.”

Paper was distributed, and everyone started to write. Belle looked around self-consciously. After a minute, she stood up and started to leave. She knew there was a little office just off to the side from where they were. She didn’t feel comfortable writing around everyone. Not now.

Belle moved carefully, making sure her blanket didn’t fall. When she passed Missy, Belle felt her own hand being squeezed. Belle returned the gesture, comforted that Missy was watching out for her.

In the little office, Belle sat silently, thinking of all the things she had to say. Praying for courage, she reached into her pocket and took out the letter from Christian. Phrases jumped out and comforted her. “…plans to prosper…not to harm you…plans to give you a future and a hope. …I will bring you back from captivity.”

Belle lifted her head.

She felt herself emerging.

--

Gabe sat for a long time, thinking about his letter. Every time he’d written one, it had been significant. Sharing things with Mikhail this way was something that he wouldn’t trade for anything. But each time, Gabe found himself thinking deeply about what he would say. So as always, he prayed and began writing:


Dear Mikhail,

Wow life can change, can’t it? I can’t believe that a year ago I was praying that my life would make an impact somewhere in the world, and now I’m back from serving already! I know I haven’t gotten the chance to share very much, but trust me, my time was amazing! God is so great and He is truly everywhere!

I think, overall, the biggest thing I know for sure is that God has worked on me and made me that man of integrity that I’ve been wanting to be. I can face sadness now. It doesn’t overwhelm me. Now, I feel strong enough to be there for somebody when they’re hurting, and just be there with them. I couldn’t say that last year.

My faith has grown so much, I can’t even tell you. God is truly amazing.

I definitely faced my share of trials in Costa Rica and even when I came back, but that doesn’t change how I feel inside, or my desire to serve others. I’m so thankful that I don’t need to rely on myself for strength. I think that was the thing before. I took everything on, but never handed it over to God. That’s a mistake I won’t make now.

Thank you so much for all your support.

Gabe

--

Alex had moved to the foot of the stairs, not minding the numerous times when Maria stepped around her. Their stairway was nice and big, with plenty of space to stretch out. She didn’t, though. Alex just enjoyed the private feel she got whenever she sat there. Sometimes, at Micah’s she went and sat on his stairs to be alone and think, especially the previous year, when things had been so difficult. Closing her eyes for a moment, Alex knew what she had to say, and began to write:

Can you believe Gabe didn’t bring back a single eyeball fruit for us? I’m just kidding. I don’t really care about that.

I’m doing a lot better than I was the last time I wrote, I think. If that was when I was still dealing with post-op depression, which I think I was. School’s good. I’m learning to let my dad have his own opinion on things, even if it’s about me.

The whole thing with Belle really shook me up, though…as it did everyone. I wish we could do something, or pray hard enough so no one would ever feel that hopeless.

Thanks for being so great for us through all the hard times, though. It means a lot to have a leader people can really count on.

Alex

--

Chris had long since abandoned his chef hat and apron and now sat alone in the quiet kitchen, grateful that God was working in their lives as much as He ever had. Chris thought of teaching his choir students and smiled. God had been so good this year.

My kids are wearin’ me out, but life is pretty good. They got through the first concert, so that’s all that I care about. Life as far as personally is okay. Hope the chicken was decent this year.

Chris

--

Missy was one of a few who kept her seat. She crossed her legs, and struggled for composure, not knowing why, when everything had finally settled, she was left feeling a little lost. More than that, too. She felt insufficient. And though Missy knew it was a lie, she found herself sitting with it, and wishing her mindset were different.

Mikhail,

I’m struggling to remember how God feels about me. I know I tend to be very hard on myself but I don’t really know how else to be. I have high expectations of myself.

Why is it so easy for us to see the good God has placed into other people and so difficult to see it in ourselves? I feel like this is the first time I’ve written anything of substance to you. Everything with Belle has just opened my eyes to how much every single one of us - myself included - needs to have support. We can’t live in hiding and shoulder everyone else’s pain. It’s not right. God wants to have all my issues and everyone else’s that I try to bear.

Please pray that I’ll remember what’s important.

Missy

--

Kylie tried not to look at Missy next to her on the couch. She knew if she did, there wouldn’t be much writing going on. Whenever somebody was in pain, Kylie felt compelled to ease it. However, she also knew Missy, and that though she might be upset now, by morning, her joy would be renewed.

Hey Mikhail,

I’ve missed this! It used to be the highlight of our meetings - the times when we’d write these letters.

Life is wonderful right now. It might sound funny to say, given everything that’s gone on, but it’s true. I’ve really grown to see what’s important to me. God’s literally been using everyone in my life to remind me to take better care of myself. Rob and Elise are doing great. Things have been much calmer now that their mother’s left them alone. Elise has done an amazing job with everything, and I’m so proud of her.

Let me know if there’s any way I can pray for you and your family.

Kylie

--

Julia sat very still. When she was sure no one was watching, she cast curious glances at the side office where Belle had gone. Sure, Alex had left too. So had some others. But Julia knew that Belle was one they needed to watch. She hadn’t stopped being disappointed in her since the night they all found out. Julia knew Belle far better than a lot of people, and she knew in her heart that all this had just been a cry for attention - nothing more.

Mikhail,

I’m still amazed (not in a good way) by some of the people who consistently pretend that everything is right with their world, when really, it’s not. It’s not right to live deceiving people like that and I’m surprised more people haven’t confronted a certain person about that. Not to mention the way they blatantly disrespected God by doing what they tried to do. That’s got to be the worst kind of sin. Don’t you agree? I can’t believe people can live like that and be okay with it. I’m going to be praying for this person, and I hope you will be, too.

Peace and love,
Julia

--

Rob shook his head and tried not to laugh out loud. He couldn’t get the earlier phone conversation out of his mind. Ryan wanting someone to look at his car - describing all the noises it made. He glanced at Elise who was busily filling her paper with thoughts to share. He thought of the first time she’d written a letter. How it had looked like a list, and how many times she’d asked for clarification. There was hardly any evidence of that girl left.

Rob here. Life’s been pretty good actually. Elise brought home an A on an English paper. Wow. I’m still so proud of her. Plus, she actually let me keep this one up on the fridge, even though it’s about a war book. I’ve been going to church because I want to lately, and it’s not half bad. Plus, I think it’s a good thing for Elise, too. She really gets a lot out of it, and I guess I am too. I haven’t really learned anything, other than that our good buddy Ryan seems to think that because I work at a gas station, that means I can fix his car. He dropped it off. I guess he thinks because I work around cars, and Kylie works at a factory we’ll be able to tell what’s wrong with it. I have no idea. I told him that, but he doesn’t believe me. “Just look at it.” I’m still looking. Any ideas?

Rob

--

Jared shook his head and tried to concentrate and ignore Julia, who was giving the door to the office covert glances, trying to pretend she wasn’t wondering what Belle was writing, and why she had distanced herself from them.

Mikhail,

I know everyone is probably giving their opinion on Belle. (I can tell, because a good chunk of them keep looking toward the office as they write.) I’m not even going there. I don’t think it’s anyone’s place to speculate, or even say how what she did hurt us. I’ve been where she was. Not exactly, but I know enough to understand that the last thing she needs is a room full of her friends writing about her, or giving their opinions about what went on there.

You may be disappointed to know that I haven’t learned anything since last year, when I learned that Josh was an okay kid.

Jared

--

Josh couldn’t remember being happier. He hadn’t really gotten the chance to talk to Belle, but Kat had said hello, and that was nice. Everything was as it should be, and that made him happy. His sister was home; all his friends were here. He thanked God, knowing now that without Him no good thing was possible.

Dear Mikhail,

As you can see, my sister is home for Christmas! That’s the best answer to prayer I’ve gotten all year. Thank you if you prayed. Things are going well for me. School is really boring since I don’t have class with Andrew or Belle anymore. But I’m getting good grades still, so that’s the most important thing.

I guess I really have learned a lot since last year. Mainly when we talked about forgiveness. It works a lot differently than I thought, even though I’ve been going to church for a while now. There was still a lot I didn’t understand. That’s why I’m glad I come here every week, because we can talk more in depth about things than just listening to a sermon.

Thank you for the hug.

Josh

--

Elise gave Robby a funny look from across the room. He kept looking at her and smiling. She shrugged and tried to finish what she’d started without losing her train of thought.

I’m so glad to be on break right now. School is still really hard for me, even though I’m doing a lot better in it. It’s nice to have a break from it. Especially a long one. But did you know Micah helped me write a paper, and I got an A? I think that’s the first one I’ve gotten since I got hurt. I hope this doesn’t sound too weird or anything, but I really feel like a new person more and more every day. I can’t remember the last time I had a nightmare. Even though things still scare me now, it’s easier to overcome them and not get stuck like I used to. It’s a nice change to be able to be strong for someone else rather than always having someone be strong for you.

Elise

--

Micah took some holiday M&Ms out of the dish beside him and ate them happily. This had to be the first year he actually felt good writing one of these. It was a new feeling, but one he wouldn’t mind keeping with him for a while.

Mikhail,

I never told Alex this, but Gabe isn’t the only one who likes the snowflake speech. I got a lot out of the pudding party. So much that I’m reading the Bible more now, and because I want to do it. Pretty cool, huh?

Micah

--

Kenzie couldn’t help but feeling boring and unoriginal, though she knew Mikhail would get a kick out of whatever she said. Belle and Alex had both taken off to their own secret locations to write, and Kenzie wished that she would have something so interesting to say that she had to hide away to say it.

Mikhail,

I never feel like I have anything interesting to say in these things. Especially now that I’m not screwing up at every turn. I mean, I have a job. I’m out of the garage band, and things are looking pretty good. One of these days I’m gonna have to steal the recipe for that chicken. Chris says he uses secret sauce, but I bet it’s just from a jar. Wanna help me steal it?

P.S. Kidding.

Yours,
Kenzie

--

After staring at Christian’s letter a long time, and praying like the verse instructed, Belle began to write:

Dear Mikhail:

This year has probably been the hardest of my life. I never thought I would be where I am today, but I can tell you that I am grateful to be alive. I want to thank you for being there for my mother that night. It means a lot to me that you were there, and not somebody we don’t know well.

I’m doing a little bit better. I think the medicine is starting to work, and I know God is working on me, which is more important than any pill. I always thought my faith was rock-solid. Nothing could shake it. This year, it has been shaken in the biggest way. Everything I ever believed as fact turned out to be a lie. That was so difficult. But the thing I learned is this: even if we are faithless, He is faithful to us.

Please continue to pray for me. Your prayers mean more than you know.

Love,
Belle.

--

Andrew couldn’t help but feel a little lonely. Though he no longer felt the need to carry around the picture of himself and Tommy, Andrew still thought of him, and he still ached in that private place about the pain that only himself and a few others knew about.

Mikhail,

This time of year is still difficult and more so this time around, because I don’t have as much support. I know you always say call you, but I just never do. I guess I’m stubborn. I did go with my parents this year on their trip, I know you don’t know what I’m talking about, but that’s probably why I can tell you.

I guess that’s it.

Andrew

--

Greta sat self-consciously on the couch, wishing she knew a little bit more about how things worked. The truth was, she didn’t. And Greta didn’t know if she would continue to come on Thursdays, or any day. She didn’t really know if this was for her. All she knew for sure is that somewhere in the space of time she had known Belle, she had changed. Greta knew more about suffering, joy, truth and despair than she could have ever thought possible.

Dear Mikhail…

I have never done this before, so sorry if it’s not the way people do it.

I didn’t know what to think the first time Belle dragged me to one of these meetings. I had met Christians before. (You meet some weird people in food service.) And they weren’t the kind of people I wanted to know. Then, I met Belle.

She doesn’t know this, but even though she was going through a hard time, I could tell there was something different about her. She never preached to me, never came off like she was better than me. She was unlike any other Christian I’ve ever met. She was just real. And that impacted me.

I know you all would say that it’s not about people, it’s about God. But if there weren’t people like Belle around, I would have gone my whole life and never seen real evidence of him. Because even in her pain, she showed me I was loved.

I know that there has to be something more out there. Otherwise how do we live? How do we cope?

What’s left when you descend into darkness, and there’s nothing left to grasp but your own pain?

I know the answer now.

It’s faith.

Greta