Faith: Chapter 8

Chapter 8

All great things are simple, and many can be expressed in single words: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.
- Sir Winston Churchill

It didn’t escape Belle that her mom had gone directly to bed when they got home. It didn’t escape her that it was exactly what happened the night she took all the pills. Nothing had changed. It was a week later. She’d been in the hospital, had her stomach pumped, seen a shrink, and still nothing changed.

Her mother still never talked to her about anything that mattered. Only politeness rules so far, and Belle had a feeling that with time, she would start to hear about all her mom’s work woes as well.

Belle didn’t expect to be uneasy when she finally was alone. She had been waiting for it all day. She expected relief. But as she stood in the middle of her room, contemplating which pajamas to wear, she felt it. From her bedroom, Belle could see plainly into her bathroom. Purposely, she put off finding what she was going to wear to bed a little longer.

From the moment she woke up in ICU - and even before that - there had been people around her all the time. Even when she was sleeping, Belle had known she was being watched. All day long, she had been a brat to Kylie because she had thought she wanted to be alone. Now, she was, and she couldn’t imagine a more desolate feeling.

Dejectedly, Belle went to her closet and pulled out her pink Hello Kitty pajamas. Though she wished it were different, Belle remained a creature of habit, and found herself in the bathroom to change.

Once inside with the door closed, Belle hurried. She didn’t want to be reminded anymore than she had to be. She was barely ready when she opened the door, and stepped back into her bedroom, hearing her cell phone play a sad gospel tune from her jacket pocket.

She hadn’t intended to answer it, but it kept ringing, and she was lonely.

“Hello?” she asked. She hadn’t looked to see who the caller was, and she waited, hoping it wasn’t somebody she didn’t want to talk to - like Julia.

“Hey Belle,” Chris said easily, sounding happy to talk to her. “Heard this was your first night home.”

Belle was momentarily speechless. She hadn’t seen or spoken to Chris since before everything. And he sounded so normal. Like everything was okay, and like he wasn’t upset with her.

“Yeah, sort of,” she admitted.

“Sorry to call so late,” he apologized. “I just figured you’d be up.”

“I’m up,” she confirmed. “Even when I want to sleep I never do.”

Chris was silent.

“How come you’re still up?” she wondered.

“It’s Friday night. Nothin’ goin’ on until Monday,” he joked.

There was a pause.

“Can I ask you something kinda personal?” Belle wondered quietly.

“Yup.”

“Do anti-depressants work or not?” Belle worried the cuff of her sleeve, trying to ignore the bruise on the back of her hand from the IV.

“They work. I take it you’re still adjusting,” he said knowingly.

“Yeah. Right now I just wanna go find ‘em and get rid of ‘em all. They don’t do anything for me anyway,” she complained bitterly, “Except make my hands shake, kill my appetite and make me feel like throwing up.”

Chris laughed gently. “It’ll take some time. You gotta stick with it, for them to work.” He waited a minute. “So, how are you? Really.”

Belle smiled a little. Chris at least knew what he was talking about. He wasn’t just spouting off nonsense, or talking to her about stupid stuff. “I’m not that great,” she admitted. “We just got home a little bit ago, and my mom went straight to bed. As much as I complained about everybody following me around today, I really hate to be alone.”

“Just stay on the phone with me, then,” he encouraged. “Hey, I wanted to know if you knew the song my kids are doin’ for class,” he said suddenly, remembering.

“Choir?” The word made her ache thinking of her shirt, cut in pieces. She had worn her shoes home, but her shirt and jeans were gone.

“Yeah,” he agreed. “Goes like this,” he sang a few notes.

“No, I don’t know it,” she lied. They had performed it when she was in seventh grade.

The last time she was in choir at school, the teacher had told them they would be performing their Latin piece in the holiday concert coming up. Belle’s heart sank to a desperate place.

“My concerts are coming up…” she told Chris sadly. “I’ve never missed a concert.”

“I’m sorry,” he said honestly.

“They’re in a few days. I probably won’t even get to go…not that I’d want to.”

Chris was perplexed. “Andrew never said nothin’ about a concert. Usually he can’t stop talkin’ about it when one’s comin’ up.”

“I know,” Belle agreed.

“I’d take you, if you wanna go,” Chris offered.

“I really don’t,” Belle admitted dismally. “Not if I can’t be up there, too…”

“Well, you hang in there,” Chris encouraged.

--

Greta entered the nice Italian restaurant, sure she was the last to arrive. She didn’t know why she had been invited to this. She still had no idea who anyone was except Belle. Why would Mikhail and his family invite her to his birthday celebration. It seemed like a special thing - sort of traditional. She had thought of politely refusing, but Alex told her it would be better if she just came along and didn’t try to fight it.

After standing in the entrance for a minute, Greta saw someone waving her over to a table. It was Mikhail, looking quite happy to see her.

Surveying the table, Greta immediately felt Belle’s absence. She had only been out of the hospital a couple days, and Greta was sure that her mother wouldn’t have been thrilled by an outing with so many people. She actually doubted Belle would have wanted to come at all.

“Hey,” Greta said, looking for a seat. It was plain to her that everyone was seated in their cliques, and Greta didn’t want to be responsible for breaking anything up. Mikhail, Maria and Aly sat at one end of the table - with Mikhail at the head. Micah, Jared, Rob, Kylie, and Elise sat on one side, and Missy, Julia, Kenzie and Alex sat on the other. Feeling awkward, Greta took the chair at the opposite end of the table.

“Hey! Look who showed up,” Jared greeted happily.

“Sorry I’m late,” Greta apologized. She didn’t offer an explanation. There wasn’t one. “Happy birthday, Mikhail.” she offered, raising her voice so he could hear her at the opposite end.

He smiled broadly. “Thank you.”

“Happy birthday!” Aly cheered. “Papa have a birthday an’ cake,” she told the guests importantly.

“Really? Micah asked, sounding very interested. “What kind of cake?”

“Big kind,” Aly embellished, spreading her hands apart wide.

“Wow. Did you help Papa and Mama eat it all, or is there some left for me?” Micah asked.

“We have all the cake! An’ there’s no more!” Aly said delightedly, her blue eyes sparkling.

“Oh, man!” Micah pretended to be disappointed.

“Oh man,” Jared moaned, unfolding his napkin and using it comically to block the table’s view of Kylie and Rob, who were looking at each other lovingly, having already exchanged a kiss.

“Can I change seats?” Elise complained good-naturedly.

From their end of the table, Mikhail looked meaningfully at Maria before they leaned in and kissed. It was long enough that Aly offered an explanation.

“My mama an’ papa kiss! “ she announced gleefully.

“So, what’s everyone gonna order?” Julia asked pointedly, picking up her menu and scanning the salads.

“I’m having pizza,” Rob said to no one in particular.

“I need some wine,” Missy declared. “Anyone else?” she asked,

“I think Elise said she wants some,” Kenzie volunteered, looking slyly across the table. She watched Rob’s eyes grow concerned. “Chill, big brother. I’m kidding.”

“I think if we learned anything from last year and Ryan, it’s that Christians shouldn’t drink,” Julia looked pointedly at Missy.

Missy looked back calmly. “That’s fine if it’s your personal belief. But I’m 27, and if I want some wine with dinner, I’m gonna have some wine with dinner.”

Embarrassed, Julia buried her face in her menu again. “I think I’m gonna get the pasta with the chicken Caesar salad on the side,” she mumbled,

Greta couldn’t resist. “You know there’s anchovies in Caesar dressing,” she offered, smiling.

Micah guffawed across the table.

“Yes, I did know that,” Julia said stiffly.

The waiter came by and took their drink orders, returning quickly with several. When everyone was served, Alex stood.

“Attention everyone. I think this calls for a toast of our good friend, Mikhail. Cheers!” she said, holding out her glass of Coke.

Everyone moved to clink their glasses together, and Mikhail and Maria each made sure to include Alyona, toasting with her plastic cup with a cover.

“What do you want to have?” Rob asked Elise quietly, once they were finished.

Shrugging, Elise tried to dismiss the question. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll split something with someone. I’ll have pizza or something.” Her brother didn’t have to know that she still couldn’t make sense of menus. There were too many choices and too much to look at.

But Rob knew. He kept his voice low, as he pointed out various things he knew she liked. “Don’t worry about the price. This is a special occasion.”

Elise was worried. That is, until Alex covertly slid her menu across the table, pointing to an amazing looking piece of cheesecake. “Go light on dinner,” Alex urged. “Then we can splurge on this!”

Grinning, Elise agreed, deciding to get a salad though she wouldn’t have normally.

“Aly, what are you havin’, baby?” Kylie asked from down the table.

“I have birthday cake!” she said happily. She leaned endearingly toward Mikhail, nodding her head.

Kylie laughed, and turned her attention back to Rob. “You wanna share that pizza?”

“Well, I was gonna share it with Micah and Jared…” he said, seemingly half-serious.

“Alexandra, you wanna share a pizza with me?” Kylie asked.

Glancing around, Alex finally answered in a whisper, laughing to herself. “I always feel like I’m in so much trouble when you call me that. And, no thanks, Elise and I are going light on dinner, heavy on dessert,” she finished in a conspiratorial whisper. “You may have to roll me home…”

“We’ll roll home together,” Elise decided, smiling.

“Neither one of y’all’s rollin’ home in our neighborhood…” Kylie warned.

Rob put an arm around her. “Settle down. They’re kidding…”

“So, how’s Target life?” Kenzie asked, looking down the table at Greta. She had been quiet since she arrived.

Greta shrugged. She couldn’t tell Kenzie that the little shit that always stole pop was doing it again, or that the creepy old man who thought he was young and called her honey ordered 50 billion tacos, or that she heard that one of her favorite customers had recently passed away. All that information was solely for Belle to know. “It’s fine,” she said blandly.

“I hate customer service,” Kenzie complained, stealing Alex’s Coke and taking a drink. “This last summer, when Andrew was working… We work at the same store, different location… But anyway. He said a bird flew in, and he had to capture it and set it free outside!”

Greta stirred her pop around, looking vaguely interested. “One time there was a spider in the store, and when I killed it, it exploded,” she offered, not smiling. It wasn’t any fun without Belle.

“You can never tell Gabe that story!” Alex insisted. “He has a pet spider named Jorge that lives in the shower.”

“Okay…didn’t need to know that,” Greta insisted.

“What kind of spider was it?” Jared wanted to know.

“I don’t know, but I think it was pregnant,” Greta mused. “That might have explained the whole explosion thing.”

“Okay. Some of us? We wanna enjoy our food when it gets here.” Missy chastised from down the table.

“And some of us,” Micah chimed in obnoxiously, “Like to hear about spiders.”

The food arrived shortly thereafter, much to everyone’s relief. Missy offered to pray, and then they all dug in.

Everyone listened, as Mikhail told an elaborate story about a trip he and Maria had taken, and all their misadventures along the way.

Greta was distracted, and absently pulled out her cell phone. She turned it on, hoping no one was paying attention, and immediately saw that she had a new text message from Belle.

SOOO BORED. BUT 2 TIRED 2 DO ANYTHING. TELL ME SOMETHING FUNNY. PLEASE?

Greta smiled to herself and proceeded to type. CPS ID IN FINE FORM AGAIN. CREEPY OLD MAN ORDERED EXACTLY 1 BILLION TACOS. I KILLED A SPIDER AT WORK ONCE. IT EXPLODED. I THINK IT WAS PREGNANT. DOES THAT HELP? MISS YOU.

“Hey. Who are you talking to?” Alex wondered in a whisper.

“Belle,” Greta returned shortly, hurrying to wrap it up.

“Well don’t close it! Tell her I said hi!” she insisted softly.

Greta smiled, opening her phone again and typing quickly. PS ALEX SAYS HI. PSS JULIA KNOWS THERE ARE LITTLE FISHIES IN HER CAESAR SALAD DRESSING, BUT SHES STILL EATING IT. THE WEIRDO…

“I think it’s time for presents,” Micah announced, though he was barely into his meal.

Mikhail looked confused, and everyone else exchanged knowing looks and smiles. “I don’t need any present,” he said seriously. “To have everyone together is enough.”

“Don’t be silly,” Kenzie insisted. “See? Aly gets my princess crown, because she’s a princess today,” Kenzie said importantly, not wanting Aly to feel left out of the fun and gifts.

Alyona’s eyes grew round at the sight of the sparkly crown. “Thank you,” she exclaimed. “My mama, look what Mack give me!”

“Yes,” Maria agreed. “Very pretty.”

“And this,” Kenzie continued. “Is for Mikhail. From all of us.” She unearthed a tiny package.

Greta elbowed Alex. “How is that from all of us?”

Alex ignored her, wanting to see Mikhail’s reaction.

He opened the card first, smiling as he read the heartfelt messages from so many of his friends. Then, he moved on to the small package, tearing off the wrapping, and staring down delightedly at the gift card in his hand. It was to his and Masha’s favorite restaurant, which they didn’t go to often, because of the expense.

“Thank you so much,” Mikhail said. “Not necessary, but thank you.” He proceeded to get up and journey around the table, hugging each one in turn, and telling them how glad he was that they were there.

--

Belle was curled in bed when Alex came calling that weekend. She should have figured it would happen. Ever since Belle had been released from the hospital, Alex had made it her own personal duty to cheer her up and make sure she was doing all right. On school days, Belle never saw her much, but on weekends, Belle could rarely get rid of her.

“Good morning, sunshine!” Alex greeted, walking into Belle’s room and pulling up the blinds.

Groaning, Belle turned over. “It’s the weekend. Let me sleep.” She pulled a pillow over her head to block out the noise, and the sight of Alex’s Spongebob pajama pants that she insisted on wearing at least once a week, because they were “comfy.”

“It’s almost 1:00. You need to get up,” Alex insisted, taking all the covers off and putting them on a chair across the room.

Belle curled up, trying to ward off the chill. “My mom knows I like to sleep, why don’t you?” she asked irritably, sitting on the edge of the bed.

Undeterred, Alex took Belle by the hands, and pulled until she was standing up. “Come on, my friend. It’s time to face the day. What do you want to wear?”

“These,” Belle said, sending a challenging gaze Alex’s direction, knowing it would be hypocritical for her to wear pajama pants but say Belle couldn’t.

Alex smiled ruefully. “These are clean,” she pointed to her pants. “Are those?” Alex indicated Belle’s plaid ones, and plain grey tee shirt.

“No, but who cares,” Belle insisted. “It’s not like I’m going anywhere.”

“Quite the contrary, friend.” Alex smiled.

While Belle rifled through her collection of jeans and tops, Alex regaled her with stories of her baking escapades. “I was gonna bring cookies with today, but they turned out horrible. I didn’t do something right, so they all melted into one another, making one really big cookie. Then they all burned.”

“Thanks for the consideration,” Belle mumbled - though the image of Alex messing up at making chocolate chip cookies was sort of entertaining.

Belle was on her way to shower when Alex stopped her. “Did you get your pill this morning?”

“Yeah,” Belle confirmed, averting her eyes. She didn’t know why it remained such a shameful thing to admit, but it was.

“Promise?” Alex wondered, looking into her eyes.

“Yes, I promise. My mom woke me up before she went to work to take it,” Belle elaborated.

Satisfied, Alex let the matter drop and stretched out on Belle’s bed. “Well, I’ll just be in here,” she said , knowing by now that Belle preferred somebody to be close by whenever she was in her restroom. Alex didn’t have to ask why, and she never pressed for details. She just hung around in the bedroom, making a nuisance of herself by knocking on the door, wanting to know what Belle was doing every five minutes.

Alex smiled to herself. At least thanks to her, Belle had learned to take short showers.

Once Belle was finished , the two lounged on the bed together. Alex braided Belle’s hair, and commented regularly on how cool it was going to look when she was finished.

Facing away from Alex on the bed, Belle gathered her courage and finally spoke. “Chris says anti-depressants work.”

Alex kept working quietly, knowing how much Belle needed to remind herself that things were going to be okay. “Well, he would know. When did you talk to Chris?” Alex wondered.

“The other night. He called me.” Belle worried the cuff of her sweatshirt. “Didn’t you ever take anything?”

“Nope,” Alex denied. “It never crossed my mind, really. But whether or not you choose to take something, God will deliver you. One way or another.”

“How long does it last?” Belle asked, hoping, as she always did, for a specific timeframe.

Alex sighed. “Honey, I wish I could tell you.” Finishing up with Belle’s hair, Alex pulled her back so Belle could lean against her. Alex put her arms around her. “It ends, though. That, I can tell you for sure.”

“I hate feeling like this. I never thought I would.” Belle admitted tonelessly. “And it’s not getting better.”

“You still feel pretty bad, huh?” Alex asked sympathetically.

Belle didn’t have to nod for her to know the answer.

Closing her eyes, Alex thought back to the previous year, and to all the times Belle had been there for her. When she had been dealing with her own post-operative depression, Belle was the one to come by and make sure she was okay. Alex remembered Belle picking her up out of the blue, and taking her along with Elise, Andrew and Josh to get ice cream. Though she’d barely eaten, it had been nice being thought of - and acknowledged even in her darkest place.

“Nothing’s changed,” Belle continued sadly, her eyes falling on the open bathroom door. She looked away quickly.

“What do you mean?”

“I just wanted things to get better. I wanted to not hurt so bad all the time. I wanted my mom to admit the truth to me about stuff, and all she did was make it worse. Nothing’s any better.”

“It’s gonna get better, though.” Alex encouraged. “In all things God works for the good of those who love Him, remember?”

“I don’t think that includes this…” Belle said, shaking her head.

Alex smoothed a hand over her hair gently. “All things means everything.”