Libby was trying up to her elbows in dirty dishes, because apparently no one else cared if they were clean, and left them to pile into a mountain. It didn’t help that they didn’t have a dishwasher.
“What are you doing?” Emily asked, wrinkling her nose as she boosted herself up onto the counter to sit beside the sink.
“Why is nobody washing the dishes?” Libby demanded, scrubbing a bowl with congealed Ramen stuck to the inside. The smell was rancid and made her want to hurl, and the grapefruit-scented dish soap could only do so much to mask the odor.
“Because,” Emily shrugged, grabbing a dish towel and starting to dry the ones in the rack, so Libby would have more room. “I only wash them when we run out of cereal bowls. Or silverware. Or pans.”
“We ran out of bowls two days ago,” Libby pointed out.
Emily nodded, ducking to open a cupboard door, and put things away. “I know, but Christian got me into using the big Tupperware bowls instead. It’s awesome. Sometimes we share, and sometimes, I just eat it all myself.”
“I was wondering what all these big bowls were doing in here,” Libby commented laughing. “So, hey, Aaron asked me to head over to Borders with him today. Do you want to come?”
“Why? Aaron hates books,” Emily reminded, as if Libby could forget.
“Yeah, but I don’t. I think he just wants to talk to us. He said he wants to take the temperature of BS or something.”
“Cool. I don’t have anything else to do,” Emily grinned. “I love the children’s section, and then maybe I can find one of those really great art books for you and Nate and Cary to fall totally in love with. You guys like Monet, or just that sculpture dude?”
Libby wrinkled her brow. “Cary likes the sculpture dude. Nate and I like Monet and anybody else old and cool. Van Gogh. Photographs, you know?”
Emily was impossible to keep up with, and Libby had it on good authority that she was still trying to catch up on the two days of class she missed when she and Jon went to Family Week with Morgan.
“All right. Well, Aaron’s coming any minute,” Libby warned.
Wordlessly, Emily set to work beside Libby, helping her finish the dishes so that they could go.
--
“So, how’re things going for you?” Aaron asked, after they lost Emily somewhere in the giant art books section.
Libby shrugged, not sure where to start. “I hope you don’t mind Emily came, too.”
“Hey, I love Emily. It doesn’t bug me that she came. This is for you. If having her here is what you want, then I’m all for it.”
Unable to keep it in, Libby sighed, relieved. Ever since November, she didn’t do well around only guys, especially in a one-on-one kind of situation. So, while she loved Aaron and respected him, she needed Emily there to help her feel safe. Just knowing she was nearby seemed to help.
“So, am I the first?” Libby asked playfully.
Aaron nodded. “I was thinking ladies first. You know?”
“Very classy,” she agreed.
“So…” he let the sentence trail, wondering if Libby would be able to elaborate, or if they should just stick to browsing.
“It’s tough. But I definitely like the change of leadership,” she confided. “You don’t have to tell my brother that, but I do. I think it really was time for somebody else to step in. Especially after what he did in that room.”
‘Yeah…” Aaron said, stretching the word out. “How did you do with that? I know it messed a lot of people up.”
“It did and we didn’t even really get a chance to deal with that because then Morgan was in trouble right afterwards…”
Aaron was quiet, following Libby’s lead and flipping through a book, studying the pictures. He didn’t know why, but she tended to do better when he was doing something else and not looking at her, waiting for an answer.
“Did you see what Liam did?” she asked cautiously, flipping through a book made up of black and white photographs of old movie stars like Marilyn Monroe and Lucile Ball.
Libby reminded herself not to say that Liam had made her do anything. Now that it had been a few weeks, she had spoken to her counselor several times about what had happened, and Libby had worked diligently at taking her power back in this situation, too. They had gone through other options Libby had aside from going along with what he suggested. Saying no. Walking away. Just refusing to go with the group. She was learning that she always had the option to say no and remove herself if she wasn’t comfortable with a person or a situation.
Aaron shook his head. He had been kind of glad to get out of there before Liam got too into whatever he was planning.
“He asked me to take him around. Show him where everybody hid. Tell him what happened to them. Then, asked if I could go back under the table like I was before, and I did. He asked me to take him behind the desk, too, and I did. He asked what was done to me and I told him. It was so freaky to be there again, in the exact same places. I kept expecting…I don’t know…him to burst back in,” Libby mumbled, closing the book.
Aaron shuddered. “I wasn’t even in there two minutes, and I felt like that, too,” he confirmed.
“I talked to Jess about it later that night, since I like her better than my counselor,” Libby confided. “And that helped a lot, but I still don’t know where I stand with Liam at all. I’m so pissed about what he did. I can’t fall asleep at night anymore. All that old stuff that just started to go away is coming back, and it makes me so mad. And he still thinks he’s right about it.”
“Is there anything I can do? Or that you want me to do?” Aaron asked.
Libby shrugged, absently flipping through another book with photos of historical moments. When she flipped past some kind of standoff with SWAT officers and guns, she slammed the book closed.
“Not really. Just talking about it sort of helps, I think. I know I need to talk to Liam, but I’m not sure how to do it so he’ll hear me. I’ve already tried a couple times, and it doesn’t seem to do any good.”
“Well, focus on what you can change, right? Like what Morgan’s learning. Change what you can, accept what you can’t and move on.”
“If only it were that simple,” Libby smiled wryly.
“I know, right? If only…” Aaron agreed slinging an arm around her shoulder.
--
“Aar! Come check out this book! It has naked sculptures in it,” Emily whispered conspiratorially.
Aaron smirked. “What are you doing looking at that?”
“For Cary,” she defended. “Lib said he likes sculpture books, and this one has a lot of naked ones in it. I already found some Monet for Libby and a Van Gogh one for Nathaniel.”
“Cary likes naked sculptures?” Aaron asked, squinting and turning the book. When it didn’t help, he focused on Emily instead. “So, how are you?” he asked, putting an arm around her.
“Me? I’m okay. Lots of drama, but I’m like, the drama-queen. So I can’t be mad about it, can I? It’s just easier to step in where you can and help people through it.”
Aaron blinked, wondering when exactly in the last four months, Emily had grown up. She was still as fun-loving as ever, but she had matured. She was helping everyone out, without being asked, she volunteered to go to Family Week with Jon, which meant spending a lot of money. Honestly, Aaron was really impressed.
“You know, I’m really proud of you,” he told her, putting an arm around her.
“Thanks,” Emily said, surprised, but pleased. “How are you doing?”
“Wow, you weren’t kidding,” Aaron commented, a little shocked. “Um, I’m all right I guess. It’s hard. The nightmares. The sounds. The smells. But being with you guys helps. I don’t know what I’ll do when this semester’s over.”
“Oh, don’t even talk about that,” Emily exclaimed. “I don’t want to think about it. I can’t believe I ever left you guys by my own choice…”
“Yeah… Well, we were all messed up then. No one blames you,” Aaron told her, squeezing her shoulder.
“I like the idea of these little one-on-one dates,” Emily nodded in approval. “Because, you know, with you, it’s super-genuine. With Liam, it would have been…I don’t know…kind of fake, I guess.”
Aaron shrugged. “I just thought we should connect again. I feel like we really don’t know where each other is in our heads or in life or anything really. With the other BS we were so busy kind of following some kind of script or plan to get us better that I think we lost the pulse of the group. I wanted that to come back. And I really want us to resurrect Monday Madness once Morgan comes back.”
“Definitely,” Emily agreed, stacking her purchases on the check out counter and making Aaron distract Libby so she couldn’t see her present.
--
Next to agree to meeting up was Nathaniel, but only if Cary was going to be there, too. Aaron said that would be awesome, and they invited him over to Cary’s immediately.
He tapped on the apartment door once he was buzzed in, and was shocked when it was pulled open, and his eyes focused on the far wall, which was painted a brilliant purple.
“Come on in,” Nate told him, opening the door wider, and kicking his shoes out of the way.
Aaron breathed in deep, and sighed contentedly. “French toast?” he asked, incredulous.
“Of course!” Cary exclaimed from the kitchen. “Hey, Aaron! Come on in! Make yourself at home.”
“Nice place,” Aaron commented loudly so Cary could hear over all the noise in the kitchen.
The living room was decorated in black and silver, with interesting candles and art on the wall. His couch looked super comfortable, black leather, and Aaron sprawled on it right away.
“What do you want on your French toast?” Cary called.
“Dude, I don’t need to eat. I’ll just grab something later,” Aaron decided. He hadn’t invited himself over expecting anything. He just wanted a chance to talk to them.
“If you’re at my place, you’re eating,” Cary told him firmly, he peered out of the kitchen looking both severe and ridiculous, spatula in one hand and wearing a bright red apron that said his name across it in in curly letters. “Now, what do you want on it? Butter, syrup, peanut butter, fruit, chocolate syrup?”
“Whatever tastes the best,” Aaron resolved.
“Okay, well they have to cook a little bit, so I’m gonna baby-sit them and watch Ace of Cakes,” he said, giving them space, in case Nate wanted to talk about anything with Aaron.
“Does he do this all the time for you?” Aaron asked, disbelieving. “Bryan cooks great but only if you twist his arm, and Coby can’t even wash a dish…”
“Hey, neither can you, so I’ve heard,” Nate challenged. “And yeah, pretty much. We have breakfast for dinner once a week. We both love it,” Nate sighed, before sitting up, and projecting a little more so that Cary could hear, “Hey, babe? Don’t forget the whipped cream.”
“Nope! Got it!” Cary confirmed.
Aaron listened, amused, as Nate tuned into a program matching what Cary was apparently watching in the kitchen. He watched, impressed as the cake-maker constructed a cake shaped like Ursula the sea witch from The Little Mermaid.
“Maybe I could go into that instead of graphic design…” he mused. “Looks like a hell of a lot more fun…”
Nate stared intently at the screen. “I don’t want to talk. So, if you want to go talk to Cary, go ahead.”
He knew he was being rude, but Nate just didn’t want to talk to Aaron. Not now. Not about anything. He had already admitted to more than he had wanted to after everything happened, when he caught Aaron in a private moment after one of Liam’s real BS’s. It wasn’t Aaron’s fault, just Nate’s state of mind right now. Which was pretty shitty at the moment. He wasn’t really sleeping, and he wasn’t really eating, which was probably why Cary insisted on making him French toast with peaches. It was one of the only things he was able to stomach.
The last thing Nathaniel wanted was to rehash all the old crap they had been through, or any of the new stuff with Morgan. It wouldn’t do any good. He just needed someone to be there for him when he was ready to talk, if he ever was. For now, he was content just hanging out with Cary, because Cary was super intuitive and never pushed him to talk about anything. He let Nate have the control, which helped quite a bit.
“That’s fine,” Aaron said noncommittally. He wouldn’t say it didn’t matter, because it did, but he knew it never did anybody any good to be pushed. “So, if you’re not into talking about anything deep…what kind of cake would you make if you were on this?” Aaron wondered. “If we had to go Disney or Pixar, I’d do that red car from Cars.”
Nate perked up a little, “I think I’d probably make…I don’t know…that weird lady Cruella DeVille from 101 Dalmatians? She’d be kind of fun.”
“Cary, what kind of cake would you make for this?” Aaron hollered.
“Nightmare Before Christmas,” he answered. “Or Sweeney Todd or something. That’d be sick. Hey, come out here. Food’s ready.”
“So, what are you guys up to?” Aaron asked, reaching for the peanut butter and spreading it thickly across the French toast. Then came the maple syrup. It was the best way to eat pancakes, so why not try it with French toast?
Cary was busy with his own slices. He had put them in a bowl and now was scooping ice cream onto them. Then, he added bananas, peaches, strawberries and maple and chocolate syrup. “We just got back from shopping,” he told Aaron happily.
“Yeah, check out his jeans,” Nate pointed out, grinning.
“Nice,” Aaron nodded. “What is that? A dragonfly?” he asked, studying the seat of Cary’s jeans, where a strange winged creature was stenciled.
“I don’t know,” Cary shrugged. “But I thought it was cool, so I got them.”
“He wouldn’t let me just go to Target,” Nate grumbled. “We had to go to American Eagle, instead.”
“He has to branch out,” Cary said mildly, around a bite of ice cream. “He’s always bitching about how none of his jeans fit him nice, and then he goes to Target and gets homely ones.”
“They’re not homely,” Nate objected, even though he knew they were. Slowly, he picked out a slice of French toast and scooped on peaches and whipped cream.
The truth was, Nate just hated shopping, because he hated trying on jeans and having them not fit. It wasn’t like he was fat, but whenever he didn’t fit into the first pair he tried, it pissed him off. Thankfully, Cary led him to the best selection of jeans ever. For the first time Nate could remember, he walked out of a dressing room feeling damn amazing about himself. He even modeled in front of the mirror, while Cary just grinned, and asked how many more pairs he wanted, reminding him they were on sale. So now, he had the best pair of dark blue jeans he ever owned. And an extra black pair. Nathaniel didn’t think he would ever take them off.
“So, you just…what? Checking in on your people?” Cary asked, taking a big bite of his French toast sundae and closing his eyes, savoring it.
“Yeah, kinda…” Aaron nodded. “Figured it wasn’t really gonna be helpful to dive right into an actual BS already anyway. Like it might be better to go back to kind of basics, you know?”
Nate nodded. He did appreciate that. Even though he didn’t particularly want to talk to Aaron, he appreciated that he had actually been there, and that he had to have a better idea of what was going on than Liam, who hadn’t been there at all.
--
Aaron was on his way home from Cary’s when he drove past the skate park, and saw Liam’s car parked in the lot. Aaron squinted and saw him - he was the only person skating out there, and Aaron couldn’t help but wonder if Morgan were here, if she would be with him. Aaron sort of hoped she wouldn’t be, since Liam seemed not to be good for her at all.
“Hey,” Aaron called, sending Liam a wave.
Liam was coasting around in his favorite jean shorts and tee shirt the hoodie that he let Morgan borrow sometimes when she came over. It was gray and she always said how much she liked the deep pockets. He used to imagine her keeping notes in there for him, or little presents that he had bought for her, like a new sticker for her board, or new wheels. She never wanted him to buy her clothes. Morgan always said she felt like that was too personal, even before everything happened, so he was resigned to giving her things for her board. It was the only gift she would accept.
Now, though, all he could think of was her storing pills in the pockets. He prayed every time he put his hands inside, because the thought made him more mad than he had ever been in his entire life.
Aaron wasn’t sure if Liam would recognize him, since it was near dark already, and Aaron was pretty sure he just looked like a shadow in the twilight. Plus, all he was wearing was black. Black jeans, black tee shirt, black bandana.
“Hey, Aaron,” Liam called, waving back. He picked up his board and walked over. “What’s up?” he asked.
Liam loved it out here, especially when he was alone. But company was nice, too.
It didn’t matter that this was also the place he had been when he first heard about the tragedy. There was kind of a comfort in that. He couldn’t understand how Libby and everyone else was so panicked by simple things. Sure, some things got to him, but Liam found if he just gave them to God, or pushed them out of his head, it wasn’t that bad.
“Just taking the temperature of BS,” Aaron said amiably. “Came from Cary’s and had some kick-ass French toast. Not kidding. It was amazing. Cary had his like a sundae.”
Liam scowled, hoping that it couldn’t be seen. Cary wasn’t a part of Bible study. What the heck was Aaron doing talking to him? “So, what’s the verdict?”
“Pretty decent. So how are you?” Aaron wanted to know, sitting down at the top of a really tall ramp.
Liam debated whether or not to answer that. The worldly part of him was bitter about the change in leadership, still. If all Aaron wanted to do was come by and rub it in his face, then he could go somewhere else. But, truth be told, Liam really did need someone to talk to, and now that Morgan was gone, he didn’t have anyone. No one else cared to talk to him. And that was fine. But he was human. Liam could only take so much of the silent treatment.
“I miss Morgan,” he admitted, hanging his head. “Between my sister and Jonathan, and even Emily, they’re all making sure I don’t so much as think about calling her. But it’s so hard because we’re so invested in one another’s life. It’s like, I don’t know who I am without her. And it’s not like we broke up or anything. It’s just like….all of a sudden she’s gone. It’s like she died or something. That’s how the grieving process feels.”
Aaron felt a jolt go through him. He startled. “How can you say that, man?” he asked, not able to mask his shock.
“I don’t mean I wish she had, I just mean that’s how it feels to me. Because I had no say in this at all. She just took herself away from me.”
Aaron blinked. “What would you rather she did?”
“No! I mean, it’s good that she’s working out her issues and all that. There’s no way I would have wanted to marry her and then find out that she was leading this double-life, you know? It’s not bad, it’s just sudden. I just wish we could have talked about it. Made a decision together.”
“From what I hear, she was barely conscious,” Aaron pointed out darkly.
“Well, I don’t mean then,” Liam scoffed. Did Aaron think he was stupid? “I meant, like, before she went into actual rehab. I should have been involved in that process but I was cut out of it,” he said knowingly.
“You removed yourself from it,” Aaron said softly. “You could have stayed and helped Cary, Nate and Jon take her into the hospital so you could have been at those Who’s Involved meetings, but you bailed instead. Besides, sending her to a Christian rehab is about a million dollars more expensive, and her insurance barely wanted to pay for the one she’s in now.”
“What are you talking about?” Liam asked, confused. “Of course they would! Otherwise, that’s, like, religious discrimination. We could sue if they didn’t cover it.”
Aaron rolled his eyes. “She’s in treatment. That’s all that matters. What are you thinking for when she gets out? You still want to be with her?” Aaron wondered. He hoped not.
“Of course I want to be with her!” Liam exclaimed, offended. “What kind of question is that? I love her. No matter what. I just want her to deal with her stuff, so that we can be together. I want Morgan to be the best person she can be. Is that so wrong?”
“Yes, because you just contradicted yourself. You said you love her no matter what and then that she has to deal with her life in order to be with you. She has to do everything on your terms. What do you have to do?”
“I’m not the one who over-dosed on pills and alcohol. I’m not the one with a million issues related to some…“ he trailed off, suddenly not wanting to finish the thought. “Why are you picking apart everything I say? I’m always the bad guy, right? I always do the wrong thing. I don’t agree but I’ll take the blame, if that’s what you want.”
“Backing off, okay? Settle down, man. We’re not the enemy. You’re not the enemy. Chill.”
“Yeah. Sorry.” Liam ran a hand down his face. “I don’t know why I’m so uptight. This whole thing is just making me crazy. I can’t concentrate on anything except wondering what she’s doing. Or if she’s okay. Or if she still wants to be with me. Or what I’m going to do if she messes up again.”
“You can’t control any of that, man. Just let her do what she’s doing, and you do what you’re doing. And you should really think about this, dude. Seriously. Are the two of you really good for each other? I mean she has all kinds of stuff going on. And it sounds like you two were kind of pushing things before? Around each other all the time. That’s kind of like an addiction, too.”
“Oh, come on,” Liam smiled, sure Aaron had to be kidding. “If you’re in love, it’s not addiction. Love is a good thing.”
“All right. I’ll be praying for you.”
“Yeah. Thanks,” Liam said, and disappeared into the night.
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