The last thing Emily ever expected was to find out that Morgan had spent the last four months - probably more - stealing from them and living each day high. Emily hadn’t seen any signs at all. And the truth was, she sort of looked for them.
Libby had shared a lot with her about the stuff she learned in counseling. That’s how Emily knew that if you didn’t deal with a traumatic experience like they had been through, you were at a higher risk to abuse substances. Just the fact that Morgan had seemed so okay while everybody else was struggling had made Emily a little bit curious, but she had shrugged it off. Morgan had always been the strongest of all of them. She had figured that if any of them could handle it, Morgan could.
But Morgan hadn’t gotten help like most of the rest of them. Emily had spoken to her church pastor, Libby had her counselor (who even Liam had seen once or twice, but no one was supposed to know that.) Legend had talked at length with her parents, who found someone for her to speak to privately. She had gone a few times over the winter break. Jess wasn’t seeing a shrink but she had every other kind of therapy. Physical, occupational, speech. It was exhausting. And Emily would hazard to guess that if Jess did start remembering stuff and need to talk, Legend and her family would provide a way for her to talk to someone. Heck, Emily would even pay, whatever it cost.
The boys were a little harder to read. She knew that Aaron had gone to the counselor on-campus to work through his demons about what they had been through. Bryan regularly went to the Catholic church nearby where he was a member, and spoke to the Father there. And Coby was now going to AA meetings, where he was learning how to cope with everyday stress, as well as the deeper stuff. He didn’t talk about it much, except to let them know he was going, so they could keep him accountable, in case he decided he didn’t need it. She had no idea about Jonathan, but had always strongly suspected he had done some intensive counseling in the immediate aftermath, and even now, sometimes. He seemed steadier, and more mature, and really able to tell what people needed.
Christian had even been talking to the child psychologist who had been provided for the kids like him, who had been stuck in daycare during the campus lockdown, for hours later than they should have been. Christian had it worse, because obviously, everyone he knew and loved, including his mom was directly involved. As far as Emily knew, he was the only kid still doing the play therapy a couple times a week. But he needed it, and they were all grateful it was there.
The only ones who had refused any kind of mental health help outright were Nathaniel and Morgan. And while Nate still dealt with shame and guilt and all that stuff from what was done to him, he was never shy about expressing it, or telling someone what he needed. He would call his mom or his brother, or talk to one of them about what he was feeling.
Morgan had it the worst of any of them and unfortunately, her first experience with counseling had been really negative. She had gone to one of the special shrinks provided by the campus, and they had wanted to know too much too fast. Details that Morgan wasn’t ready to share, and especially not with a stranger.
After that, as far as Emily knew, she had never gone back.
And now, they were sitting at the breakfast table, running on no sleep, trying to figure out what to do, while Morgan was up in the hospital psych ward, apparently giving the nurses hell.
None of them really knew what to do at this point. Morgan hadn’t even agreed to go into treatment, so should they start looking? Emily sure didn’t want her living here if she was going to be stealing medicine from them and trying to kill herself. She wanted Morgan healthy.
She wanted her to have a chance.
--
Morgan was tired, and confused, but more than any of that, she was pissed.
Most of the night before was a blur, but she remembered Jonathan and Nathaniel bringing her here, to this godforsaken place, where you weren’t even allowed the dignity of shoelaces or a pen. She was a writer, for God’s sake. True, she hadn’t written for a long time. Months, maybe. But that was beside the point. And she needed a damn cigarette. But of course, she wasn’t allowed to have those either.
She was grateful that she could manage to remember anyone’s number, and guessed Liam’s was actually better than anyone else’s anyway. He hadn’t done this to her. He had stood by her. Morgan could convince him to get her out. He would do anything for her.
Walking out by the front desk in her slippers, and hospital shirt and pants, she asked to make a damn phone call.
“Hey,” she said, when Liam picked up. “You’ve got to get me out of here.”
“Out of where, Morgan? Where are you?” Liam asked, concerned. Wherever she was, she didn’t sound good. Her voice was as deep as a man’s and it was shaky.
“Your idiot roommates took me to the hospital, and now I’m in the psych ward,” she hissed.
Liam set his jaw. “I’ll talk to them.”
“No! Don’t do that. Just come get me, please? I just made one stupid mistake. I promise, I won’t do it anymore,” Morgan begged, feeling desperate.
But one stern look from the hefty nurse behind the desk, who was built like a male-wrestler despite being very much female, had Morgan dialing it back. When she had first gotten there, and pulled out all the damn IVs and tried to get out, they threatened to put restraints on her if she didn’t calm down. Even though she was still angry and couldn’t think much past that, she had made herself stop. The last thing she wanted was to be tethered to the bed.
“I’m going to talk to them,” Liam vowed. “They have to know that sticking you in the hospital was way out of line. Okay? We’ll figure this out. I still love you.”
“Hey and if you can’t get them to get me out, you’ve got to come tonight at 7:00. That’s the visiting hour. Please come see me and bring me something to do. It’s boring as hell in here,” she pleaded. “Oh, and give me the house number at Grand Central. I need my sweatshirt.”
Liam passed along the number, and promised he would bring something to quell her boredom. He had the perfect thing. There was nothing better for a hurting soul than a little time in God’s Word. Then, he hung up and called the girls’ apartment to pass along the message that Morgan would be calling, and to give Nate and Jon a piece of his mind. Everyone had been gone when Liam got back.
--
Jess was tiredly searching through websites for different drug rehab centers in their state. They had some of the best here, but they all were really expensive, and Jess wasn’t sure what Morgan‘s insurance would cover.
Grand Central remained full of people, but Jess was the only one still awake. Legend had crashed in her room with Christian. Emily and Libby had gone back to their room. Their living room was full of sleeping men. Nate and Cary held each other on the couch, one of Nate‘s arms was wrapped around Cary‘s back, and Cary‘s draped his protectively across Nathaniel‘s chest. Coby slept in the recliner. Bryan, Jon and Aaron slept sprawled all over the floor.
Because anxiety made it impossible to sleep, she kept busy. Still feeling bad about the lame Toaster Strudel breakfast, she had first set to work making this French toast casserole thing. It tasted great on a cold day, and Jess was pretty sure that if she could manage not to cut a finger off slicing the French bread into little cubes, she would be fine. She had made this several times since being home from the hospital. And even though she still referred to the recipe, Jess almost didn’t need it at all.
Now that the casserole was in the refrigerator, and would be for eight hours, Jess had set to work looking up treatment facilities. It was times like this that she wished she had paid more attention to how her dad dealt with her mother, who had quite a drug habit herself, if Jess recalled right, and she did. But she had only been a toddler. She couldn’t remember if there had ever been talk of rehab or ultimatums or psych ward stays or interventions. All she knew for sure was the pain her mom’s drug use caused her. It ran deeper than just the fact that her mom abandoned her at a movie theater when she was three, and took off.
Few people knew that Jess herself used drugs. It wasn’t something she was proud of, but when she had been younger, and messed up in pain from all her unresolved issues, she had tried to do the same thing her mom had done, and numb herself from the inside out.
She had been twelve, and she credited Legend and her parents for saving her life. Her own dad was deeply uninvolved in her life, choosing instead to lose himself in work. So, Legend’s parents did what needed to be done, since she had been spending the night, and had brought contraband into their house. They had waited for her to sober up after a night of drinking and smoking dope. Then, they’d awakened her bright and early, and given her a choice. She could have her drugs and her alcohol, or she could have them involved in her life.
The choice was the toughest one she had to make. She begged them to take it all away from her. To flush it down the toilet. Send her home and not let her come over for a week. But they had refused. And finally, Jess had done it herself. Choosing the only family that had ever truly loved her over a temporary high.
True, she had slipped up. She had used other times. She was predisposed to it because of her mother, Legend’s dad had explained. She had used other drugs, but once she got pregnant, she hadn’t touched it. And though she’d made other poor choices - living with Christian’s dad, who was an abusive son-of-a-bitch, for one - Jess never used again. Her son was more important to her than anything.
Jess tried to focus on the screen as she scrolled, looking for more information about where they could find Morgan help. When the house phone rang, Jess snatched it up immediately and retreated to the tiny deck for some privacy. She didn’t recognize the number, or the name, but that was nothing new. Now, it sometimes took a little more time for things to click in and make sense.
“Hello?” she asked, wishing she had grabbed her coat, or a robe. It was chilly this morning, even though the sun was out.
“Hey? Who’s this?” a vaguely familiar voice asked.
“Jessica,” Jess answered, because she wasn’t sure who she was speaking to, and wanted to be careful. She didn’t need whoever this was becoming too familiar with her right away.
“Oh, hey, Jess. It’s Morgan.”
“Holy hell, Morgan,” Jess said, unable to keep it in. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” she answered, though Jess knew it couldn’t be true. She sounded haunted.
“I’ve been trying to get a hold of you all night, but they wouldn’t tell me anything. You should sign that form at the desk so that they can let us know what’s going on with you,” Jess advised gently.
“What form? Dude, I’m not even allowed to have a pen in here. How am I supposed to sign a form? And what business do you have knowing my medical shit anyway? My parents don’t care, so why should you?” Morgan asked irritably.
“Hey, it’s fine, Morgan, okay? Just take a breath. I’ve just been concerned, that’s all. I wanted to know how you’ve been.”
“Well, I’m fine. Nothing to worry about.”
“You aren’t fine,” Jess maintained. “Listen, have you thought about what you’re gonna do once you’re out of here?”
“What do you mean?” Morgan asked, perplexed. “I’m coming home.”
“We would love to have you home, but you need to get better first. You need to think about rehab, okay?”
“Jess, come on. I don’t have a problem. I just made a mistake. I told Liam that earlier, and he’s going to try and get me out of here,” she said, a hint of defiance in her tone.
“Well, if you get out of there, you’re not coming home with us. I can’t allow it. I have to think about Christian.”
“What about him? I never did anything to him,” Morgan defended.
“Morgan, he’s little. He doesn’t know any better. If he sees you take something, and you forget to put it up, then he might take it. Those pills Jon and Nate found on you last night? They weren’t secure. Christian could have found them just as easily. Mine look just like Tylenol, which I sometimes give him when he has a headache. If you lost one of those, and he found it and took it… That could kill him. And that’s not a chance I’m willing to take.”
On the other end of the line, Morgan was silent so long that Jess wondered if they had lost their connection.
“Okay…” Morgan said, her voice heavy.
“Okay, what?” Jess prompted.
“Okay, I’ll go…for Christian,” Morgan managed.
Jess sighed. “Honey, that’s really good. But this is a decision you have to make for you. You’re not safe the way you’re living now. You need to find a way to deal with what’s hurting you without trying to destroy yourself.”
“I just want to get out of here, Jess,” Morgan said softly, resting her head on the desk. “Tell me what I have to do.”
“You stop giving the nurses a hard time. You know one of them could have been me?” she joked. “They’re trying to help, so listen to them. If there’s any kind of inpatient thing, which Jon said there is, you should do that. Use this time to focus on you, and get yourself better, okay? I love you. And we’re all praying for you,” Jess told her tenderly.
“You sure there’s no way I can skip the work and just get out of here? I made a mistake, that’s no reason for them to stick me in here like a crazy person. I didn’t mean to.”
Jess was silent for a long moment. “You made a choice that got you where you are right now. You did mean to. And it’s your choice what to do next. You either do the hard work, go to treatment and get straightened out, or you’re on your own.”
“I’ll go…” Morgan conceded. “But can one of you guys bring my sweatshirt? I really need it.”
“Don’t push it, Morgan,” Jess said evenly and hung up, refusing to allow herself to be manipulated.
--
It wasn’t until the next afternoon that Libby turned her phone on and checked her text messages. She had about thirty and most of them were from her stupid brother, demanding that she call right when she got them. She was about to ignore them all, when Morgan’s name caught her eye. She clicked on it and read about how he had spoken with Morgan, and was working on a way to get her out of the hospital. She didn’t need to be in a psychiatric ward with people with problems. She needed prayer and love and support.
Angrily, Libby punched the buttons to dial his number and waited.
“Libby! Thank God! I’ve been trying to reach Nathaniel and Jon but they have hardly been here! I have to talk to you about this Morgan situation. It’s completely insane. And because I couldn’t reach any of you I couldn’t even keep my word and go visit her last night.”
“Good,” Libby said firmly. “You stay away from her. She needs help, and she’s getting it there. Don’t go letting her fill your head with ideas of how bad she has it in there.”
“How would you even know, Libby? That place is for the insane. Morgan doesn’t belong there,” Liam spat, his tone insulted.
“You think she’s better off with you?” Libby challenged, her voice rising. “When you can’t keep your pants on long enough to realize that she’s been screwed up by this. She doesn’t let anyone touch her, Liam. Why do you think she’d be okay with more than that?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he insisted, his voice tight.
“Jon and Nate saw you about to do the nasty with her!” Libby accused. “How can you feel like that’s even remotely okay? How would you feel if I had a boyfriend who took advantage of me that way, knowing what happened to me?”
“Of course not, but we’re not talking about you. Morgan started it. She wanted to. Trust me, I asked her to make sure.”
“Just face it, Liam. You wanted what you wanted and you took it,” Libby said softly.
“That was a low blow,” he breathed. “You can’t put all the blame on me when she’s the one who came over. She got in bed with me, did you know that? I didn’t touch her then. I didn’t do anything. The bottom line is she’s my girlfriend and I love her. I’m the most important person in her life, and I think that entitles me to a say in what happens to her.”
Libby shook her head, unbelieving, as tears stung her eyes. “Morgan was hurt worse than I was, Liam. From my own experiences, I know that she was coming back to you, and coming on to you, to see if you’d say no. Or if you would prove right what she already believes about herself, which is that she’s not worth anything.
“And let’s get one more thing straight. Her parents left decisions about what happens to Morgan up to Morgan, and up to Jess. And I highly doubt Jess will be taking your opinion into account after the way you acted like such an ass. Don’t call her. If she calls you, don’t answer. If you care about Morgan at all, Liam. Just leave her alone.” Libby managed, and then hung up the phone before he had the chance to respond.
--
“So, how are we doing on treatment stuff?” Jess asked as Legend hung up the phone. She stopped behind her, and massaged her tense shoulders.
“Her insurance is dragging their feet,” Legend sighed. When their was no response from Jess, Legend tipped her head back to see her face.
Jess’s brows were knit together and her head was cocked a little, the way it was whenever she heard something she didn’t understand. Legend constantly forgot that Jess struggled with certain expressions and figures of speech. Some she understood immediately, and some confused her even after they were explained.
“It means they could pay, but they don’t want to…” Legend clarified. “So they’re taking a long time, putting me on hold and making me crazy.”
“Well, she talked to the intake counselor, though, so that’s good. She seems a little clearer,” Jess offered optimistically.
When Legend didn’t answer Jess persisted. “She has to go. She agreed.”
“Oh, she’s going,” Legend promised. “If we have to pay for it out of our pockets, she’s going. Don’t worry about the insurance. They still have two days to get their act together.”
“It’ll work out,” she promised, squeezing Legend’s shoulder, and heading back to the kitchen to work on her own stuff for brain rehab, since she had put it off to deal with the more pressing situation at hand. But Jess knew she couldn’t let her own recovery slide. She wanted to keep improving. She needed to.
“Jess?” Legend asked quietly. “How did we miss it?”
“I ask myself that all the time,” Jess admitted.
“And?”
“And I don’t know. I don’t have an answer.”
--
It was 6:30 the next night when Libby walked into the room she shared with Emily to find her friend looking through drawers, and under the beds.
“What are you doing?”
“Looking for some magazines I can take over when I visit Morgan,” Emily answered halfway under her own bed, throwing out shoes and old cosmetics.
“Why?” Libby demanded, scaring herself with how much she reminded herself of Jess. She had her hands on her hips and everything.
“Because she asked me. She said she was bored,” Emily admitted.
“Jess!” Libby called, walking past Legend who was on the phone. She closed herself into the bathroom.
--
“What part of ‘no’ don’t you understand?” Legend quizzed, leaning her forehead against the door. “You are not getting a tattoo. Not before rehab.”
“Yeah, I am. Besides, I already have one anyway. I just want a little one. Aaron can draw it. You won’t even see it.”
“Then why do you need it so badly?” Legend asked.
“Because! I just do, okay? I’ve been pretty damn agreeable to this whole thing. But I might not be if you guys are gonna get into my business. This is just one lousy thing that I want to do for myself.”
Outside the door, Legend could hear Jess talking to Emily, telling her Morgan was not on vacation, she was in the damn psych ward. That it was like time-out, and she needed to use the time to think about how she could make better choices. Magazines weren’t going to help her do that.
She heard Jess come back by, and opened the door, sticking her phone out. “She wants a tattoo,” she whispered. “Or she says she might not go to treatment.”
Jess snatched the phone, just as Morgan was claiming that they couldn’t tell her what to do with her life.
“Oh, yes I can,” she said sharply. “You’re not thinking clearly right now, and your parents left all decisions concerning you up to me until you can be trusted to make them for yourself. No tattoo. End of story. And you are going to treatment. Stop trying to manipulate people. I love you,” she snapped and then handed the phone back to Legend.
Then, she called Christian from the living room.
“Yes?” he said, coming to stand by his mom.
“Who can tell me the rules for when someone is in the hospital?” Jess asked, smiling to herself as Christian waved his hand around to be called on. “Christian?”
“You go to the hospital to get better, not to play,” he recited.
“And what can we bring them?” she prompted.
“Our love and support and prayers and that’s it,” he nodded to himself.
“Did everyone hear that?” Jess asked, pushing her hair back out of her face.
Emily and Legend nodded.
“Good. Thanks, Christian, you can go finish watching your show.” she said, excusing him.
“Listen up, ladies,” Jess said firmly. “If Morgan is going to get better, we need to be together on this. If she starts manipulating you, that’s not her talking, that’s whatever she took. She asked me for her blue sweatshirt earlier, so I went to your room to look for it,” she nodded at Legend.
“I found pills in the pockets,” Jess confided softly, so Christian wouldn’t overhear. “Mine, some I didn’t recognize. Weed, and I don’t know what else. We’re going to have to seriously go through her room. I already told CJ he’s not allowed in there under any circumstances. He knows there’s bad stuff in there that made Morgan sick.”
“That’s crazy. Where would she get that?” Emily asked.
“You can get it anywhere,” Legend told her plainly.
“If she starts manipulating you, cut the conversation off. Tell her you love her but you have to go. All the boys know, because I talked to them already. Well, except Liam.”
“I talked to him,” Libby nodded. “I took care of it.”
When Emily left, a little later than planned, she had nothing with her, as she went out the door. She would do what Jess and Christian said. Morgan could have a hug. She could have her support and her prayers. But Emily wasn’t going to give into her weird demands anymore.
--
Because it was the final day before Morgan got out of the hospital, and would be on her way to rehab, Liam decided that a Bible study was in order. They hadn’t had one for a few days, and if there ever was the occasion for one, this was it. So, he made sure Jon and Nate weren’t going anywhere, and he managed to get a hold of everybody else and make sure they could come, by promising that he would keep the meeting short.
They would pray for Morgan. Just like they should have all done in the first place when Liam stopped by the other two apartments nights before.
It hadn’t taken long for everybody had assembled in the living room, and for Cary to take Christian in the kitchen to play Diego’s Halloween Adventure, because Halloween was Cary’s favorite holiday. Liam thought about pointing out that it was March, but didn’t think it would have mattered.
“Okay,” Liam announced once they were all settled. “I just wanted to pray for Morgan quickly, since we didn’t before.”
“Actually,” Aaron interjected, raising his hand slightly. “We have something else we need to address first.”
Liam sat back and crossed his arms. “And what could be more important than the well-being of a friend?”
“We took a vote,” Aaron said plainly. “You haven’t been meeting our needs as the leader of BS.”
“You can’t be serious,” Liam said, shaking his head. “It’s not even about me, guys. It’s about God. God’s the leader, not me.”
“God isn’t the one who dragged us back through that room. God didn’t twist stuff around and make it seem like we’d be letting each other down if we didn’t do it,” Nate put in quietly.
“And God sure isn’t the one who took advantage of someone in a compromised position…” Jon maintained.
“Guys. Okay. So, I made a mistake. That doesn’t mean you get to kick me out of Bible study. Did you forget what Jesus said about forgiveness?”
“Seventy times seven,” Coby returned. “But just because we can forgive you doesn’t mean we’re going to let you continue letting things go the way they’ve been.”
“What’s so bad about the way things have been?!” Liam exclaimed. “Up until Morgan screwed up, things were fine.”
“You’re serving your own agenda, not God’s,” Bryan said simply. “And don’t blame Morgan for your own mistakes.”
“Fine,” Liam huffed. “Maybe none of you guys want Liam around anymore! Is that it? Are you done with me? Am I not good enough to be here, because I wasn’t there when you needed me?”
“I’m glad every day that you weren’t there,” Libby admitted quietly. “No one needs to live with that. Especially if they don’t have to. Liam, it’s not about you, okay? It’s not an attack. We just think it would be better if someone else led.”
Liam’s jaw dropped. “Like who?”
“Like Aaron,” Jess offered, smiling slightly at him. “I think it’s time for a change, and with him leading it might be a great thing.”
“You’re not serious. That’s like the blind leading the blind!” he exclaimed.
“Stop yelling!” Christian shouted from the kitchen. “I can’t hear Diego!”
“You know what? Fine. I’m out of here. But you better all know that there is no way Morgan’s going to that secular place you found. She’s going to Christian rehab, or else she and I are through. You can let her know that, since I’m not allowed to talk to her,” he exclaimed, slamming the front door behind him.
“How’s he gonna manage that? He hasn’t even called anywhere,” Emily scoffed under her breath. “I just saw him print off the stuff today. It was like, 20 pages, and he hadn’t even talked to anybody.”
Legend sighed. “He just wants to feel involved.”
“Well, everything’s set up for the original place,” Jon said nodding. “She can go straight from the hospital to rehab. Nate and I went to the meeting the other morning. They were gonna try to send her out of state. And her parents were going to let them.”
“Who talked them out of that one?” Bryan asked.
“Jess,” Nate nodded, biting his lip. “She’s in charge. Her parents said, whoever’s in charge of her household can make the decisions. So Jess called and told them what was really happening.”
“Christian and Cary? You wanna come pray?” Aaron asked, knowing that this was the first thing he was changing. Everyone who wanted to be involved, could be, regardless of their faith, age or whatever.
“I already did,” Christian answered. “It went like, ’God, please help Morgan get all better and come home.’”
“Cary?” Nate asked.
“Nathaniel, Christian and I are kicking butt on this game. Diego just found the pumpkin costume, and defeated the black cat….and I’m totally sending everything that’s good and beautiful Morgan’s way,” he added. “So, don’t worry. She’ll make it.”
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