Aaron had definitely experienced a full Saturday, by the time he got back to his apartment. Talking to Libby and Emily had been good, and eye-opening, spending time with Cary and Nate had been more fun than Aaron expected to have, and way more delicious. He would have to make sure they added Cary’s to the Monday Madness rotation just so he could take a turn cooking. And, Liam? Well, Aaron figured if he could talk to Liam and not knock his head off, he could take anything the rest of them had to say.
“You look like shit,” Coby told him honestly, pouring over some bills with his checkbook out.
“Yeah, well I just talked to Liam,” Aaron said, disgusted. “I think it’s a common reaction.”
Coby snickered. “Yeah, I guess. So, where have you been all day. Usually after Saturday cartoons or work you hang around here all day.”
“Just checking in with people. Figured if I’m leading BS I might as well know how you guys are doing. I mean, what’s the point of diving into a big intense study of the book of Job if none of our hearts are in it. If we’re not there yet.”
“Are you really thinking of studying Job?” Coby asked skeptically.
“Yeah, maybe. Once we’re ready for it,” Aaron nodded.
“I’ll never be ready for skin disease, natural disasters and a dude that loses everything just to prove how faithful he is to God,” Coby scoffed.
“I think it’s kind of inspiring,” Aaron nodded. “It’s kind of like us.”
Coby was silent, staring at the check for next month’s rent, wishing it wasn’t so damn high so he’d have more money to help Jess out with her own bills or things for Christian. Sure they had the fund, but a lot of it had been used up, paying for Jess’s medical bills that insurance didn’t cover.
“What do you think?” Aaron wondered. “You don’t like it.”
“I don’t like it because it’s like us,” Coby elaborated. “What’s the point in allowing us to be dragged through hell?” He sent Aaron a hard look.
“Hey, man. Don’t look at me. I’m not saying I know. I don’t know anything, especially about God’s brain and stuff.”
“God doesn’t have a brain numbskull,” Coby said, witheringly. “He doesn’t need one.”
“Seriously, though. How are you doing?” Aaron asked, leaning back to prop his bad foot up on a nearby chair. It still got to aching if he walked around on it too much.
“I’m sober,” Coby said plainly.
“That’s great. But what about you?” Aaron pressed. Coby was about as expressive as a brick wall. But Aaron guessed he should expect some of them to resist, given Liam’s screwy leadership. No one ever wanted to be honest with him, because he was so into his own plan for all of them.
“I…don’t know,” Coby admitted. “My damn leg hurts all the time. I’m stressed about money, about school, about that shitty room, about Morgan. And I don’t know what to do with any of it.
“I pray. All the time. Sometimes it helps, but sometimes, nothing does. Those are the times when I really want to drink. The times when I think of Morgan, and she saves my life. She always used to say how I saved her life, and it made me so uncomfortable. But she’s saving me. Because I just want to drink until I can’t feel anymore. But when I think of how what she did killed all of us, and how bad off she is…and how I need to watch what I do because I’ve got Christian looking up to me.
“When I think of Jess, and know that when I save up the money…when I can support her and CJ, I’m gonna propose. I don’t know…I just take it minute by minute. Eventually, it isn’t so bad…”
“You’re going to ask her to marry you?” Aaron asked, incredulous.
“Hell, yeah. Wouldn’t you?”
“Well, yeah, but I mean… Shit… I always thought Jon or Bryan would be the first of us to settle down.”
“You can’t say anything, got it? Not to Jess or any of the girls, or anybody. Otherwise, I’ll beat your ass,” Coby promised.
Aaron shook his head, understanding the need to keep it secret. “So, how close are you to popping the question?” he asked.
“Financially or emotionally?” Coby wondered.
“You know you’re never going to be financially ready, don’t you? Just ask her, dude. All you’ve got is right now. We know that better than anybody.”
“Yeah…” Coby trailed off. “Maybe you’re right.”
--
“So what the hell were you two yammering about out there?” Bryan asked. He was at his computer, pouring over his next big project for class. He had gotten an A on Project Jess as he privately referred to it, and she had been so happy that she had thrown her arms around him and kissed his cheek, saying this was the first A she’d earned, and it felt so good. It warmed his heart.
“Nothing,” Aaron said, coming in and sprawling on Bryan’s unmade bed. “He’s out there paying bills and I’m trying not to think about the fact that I just talked to Liam about anything important. Why do we hang with him again?”
Bryan shrugged. “By association, I think. He’s Libby’s brother, and Nate’s friends with her.”
“I didn’t mean actually tell me,” Aaron complained, pulling his bandana over his face. “He’s just so full of crap. How did we ever trust him, much less go to anything where he was the leader?”
“We wanted more of God,” Bryan said honestly. “At least that was my reason. It still is. And I think we had the conversation before about how he places himself pretty high in his own estimation, but he’s just a guy. He’s human. People make mistakes.”
Aaron sighed. As usual, Bryan was right. “So I didn’t come in here just to rag on Liam.”
Bryan closed the screen on his computer and turned in his swivel chair that made him feel like he was working in an office. “What’s up?” he asked.
“Seems like everybody’s kind of having a rough time. Especially after Morgan, it kind of opened my eyes how we’ve gotta be around for each other a lot better. Not that it’s our fault she OD’d, she did what she did. But still…you know?”
“Yeah,” Bryan nodded solemnly. “I keep having these really sick dreams…about what I’d do if I had him in a room with me. Ways I‘d like to make him suffer. Ways I‘d like him to die.”
Aaron nodded. Bryan was one who refused to call Buddy by name anymore, especially since that hadn’t even been his real name in the first place.
“Sounds pretty damn satisfying if you ask me,” Aaron said. Just the thought of it cheered him up a little. “Way to take our power back, man.”
“You think?” Bryan asked, cocking his head to think. “’Cause it makes me feel…like I’m on equal ground…like I’m the same as him. And that’s not something I’m comfortable with… Killing people‘s a sin.”
“Well, of course it is. But you’re not actually doing anything. It’s just dreams. You can’t help that. And, you’re pissed off at him, so of course you’d dream that.”
Bryan let out a breath. “Man…You have no idea how much better I feel. It’s not really something I can admit to the Father, you know? At least not yet. I’ve felt so bad about it, you know? It’s like I was reliving my past with the gang all over again.”
“Did you know about Morgan?” Aaron asked, a sudden curiosity rising inside him. “You were talking about the gang and all. They have to have used and shit. Did she tip you off at all? Even without meaning to?”
Bryan’s eyes went nearly black as he narrowed them. “If I had any suspicion at all about Morgan using drugs, I would have said something and done what I could to get her help. She was never around long enough for me to notice,” he admitted, calming slightly. “That was probably by design, too. Morgan knows my history. She knew that I’d be able to tell. The same with Jess, probably. That’s why she spent most of her time around Liam. Because he had no idea.”
Aaron nodded slowly. “I just keep thinking, if we could have spotted it sooner…maybe it wouldn’t have gotten this bad.”
“The important thing is, she’s getting help. That right now, she seems serious about recovery. That’s all we can hope for. This thing is up to her. We can be here for her,” Bryan said, remembering Jon and Emily giving them the rundown of Family Week, “But when it comes down to it, sobriety and staying clean is Morgan’s fight.”
--
Sunday morning, Aaron decided to try and meet with the remaining people that he hadn’t gotten to the day before. Since Jon wasn’t partial to being up any earlier than he had to be, and Legend and Jess took forever to get ready, he decided to take Christian out to McDonalds for breakfast.
“Can I get a Happy Meal?” Christian asked curiously.
“It’s breakfast time, kiddo. We’re getting that bad boy, see?” Aaron pointed to the huge breakfast platter, picturing pancakes, scrambled eggs, sausage, biscuits and hash browns.
“Oh!” Christian exclaimed. “I’m eating all those bad boy pancakes,” he said decidedly. He would let Aaron eat the eggs. Christian didn’t like them, especially since he found out that baby birds come from eggs.
Finally, they were settled in a booth in the corner. Christian was on his knees, trying to figure out how to get as much pancakes on his fork as he could. Aaron had cut them up, but there were three of them, and they were very huge.
“Are we going to church?” he asked around a big bite.
“You bet,” Aaron nodded. “I’m driving you after we’re done. What do you think of those pancakes?”
Aaron didn’t really care for pancakes anyway. Not after Cary’s French toast, anyway. He ate the scrambled eggs, and sipped coffee, waiting for Christian to respond.
“So good,” he nodded. “The best I ever ate. I never had pancakes at a restaurant before. Only supper stuff. You know, like spaghetti?” he mumbled around a bite.
Aaron smiled. He couldn’t believe how big Christian was getting. He was five already. He had lost a tooth. He had grown taller since he and Jess had moved into High City. He had grown out of Spiderman and stuck with Spongebob. He barely talked about Bacony, his stuffed pig, anymore. His hair was a little bit long, but that was how Christian liked it. He was wearing a new blue and yellow striped dress shirt with a collar. A napkin was tucked into it, at Jess’s insistence. Next year, he would go to kindergarten. Next year, Aaron wasn’t sure if they would still all be together, or live as close to one another.
“So, what do you want to talk about?” Aaron asked, as much to distract himself as to engage Christian who was dragging his fork through a syrupy puddle on the plate to make a design.
“Okay,” Christian said, as if he’d been waiting for the opportunity. “I always wondered how they get the ketchup into those big ketchup machines. And pop, too. How does it get in there? ’Cause they can’t really put it up through the same little hole, otherwise it would just spill back out again.”
“They take it apart,” Aaron told him, conspiratorially. There were advantages to working in food service with his mom for years. He knew things that were impressive to his favorite five-year-old little kid.
“I should so work here,” Christian decided, stabbing a sausage and eating it all up. “You know how good I taked apart Mom’s alarm clock that one time?” he asked. That was back when he was a baby and didn’t know any better. Aaron had been friends with him for a long time.
“Yeah, you took it apart pretty good,” Aaron laughed. “So good that your mom was late for school.”
“Oh yeah!” Christian giggled.
Silence fell for a bit, while they both ate, and Christian looked out the window. He was thinking about something very hard, but he didn’t know if he wanted to say it. It was kind of a secret, because if he told his mom, she would probably ask him lots of questions that he couldn’t answer.
“What are you thinking about over there?” Aaron asked.
“What does it mean to be a man?” he asked seriously.
Aaron put his head in his hand, and willed Coby to hurry the hell up and propose. Jess needed a husband, and from the looks of things, this kid needed a father.
“Um… Why don’t you ask your mom?” Aaron hedged, uncomfortable.
“Because!” Christian exclaimed, exasperated. “She’s a girl! How would she know?”
“What do you mean?” Aaron asked finally, wondering where Christian was going with this.
“I used to think it was when you take good care of your mom and your friends, and you’re polite and all that stuff.”
“That’s right,” Aaron confirmed, still curious.
“But a kid at school said a real man would hurt somebody back. If somebody hurt his mom the way the bad guy hurt my mom…and all you guys…that he would hurt him back worse. When I get sad he says real men don’t cry.”
“What do you think?” Aaron asked, not at all sure how to handle this.
“Sometimes I get mad like I want to hurt people. Not even the bad guy. Just regular people, you know? That didn’t even do bad things to you guys. But I know that I shouldn’t…and I’m not sure about the crying…” he said, licking the syrup off a piece of pancake thoughtfully.
“Well, you’re right. You shouldn’t ever hurt people. Sometime you might be forced to, like, if somebody was hurting you, then you fight back. Or your mom. But otherwise, no. Hurting people doesn’t make you a man. It just makes you mean. If you get mad inside, just find one of us to talk to.”
“But you’re not there at school,” Christian objected softly. “That’s where I always get mad.”
“Then talk to the play therapist lady. You can always ask to talk to her, or somebody else like her if she’s gone. They have people there to help with stuff like that.”
“But I need to take care of my mom,” Christian said solemnly.
“Listen,” Aaron said, scooting over to the little boy’s side of the booth and pulling him onto his lap. “You’re a kid. Your only job is to go to school and do your best. Otherwise you play. You have fun. And, hey,” Aaron added, looking Christian in the eyes. “Men cry. It’s okay.”
“Does Coby cry?” Christian asked, clearly skeptical.
Aaron pulled out his cell and dialed Coby’s number, figuring it was better for the kid to hear it from him anyway. “Let’s call him, and you can ask.”
Christian was busy drinking his orange juice and feeling kind of shy about asking Coby, but Aaron said “Christian has a question,” and just gave it to him anyway.
“Morning, buddy,” Coby greeted, searching for something clean and decent that he could wear to church. “What’s your question?”
“…Do you cry?” Christian finally asked, very soft.
On the other end of the call, Coby sat down on his bed. “Sure, I do. Why?”
“I don’t know…” Christian hesitated. “I was talking to Aaron about man stuff, and this one kid said real men don’t cry and Aaron said they do. I wasn’t sure, so…”
“Everybody cries. It’s okay,” Coby told him gently. “Okay? Are you having a good time with Aaron? What are you having for breakfast?”
“About a million pancakes,” Christian passed on, feeling much better. “And! Guess what?”
“What?” Coby asked, laughing.
“I’m eating them all. Aaron’s eating all the rest.”
--
Morgan had gotten a phone message from Aaron right away that morning. It said he was wondering how she was doing, So, as soon as she had a chance, after she got back from church that was so early in the morning, Morgan would have never gone before rehab, she called Aaron.
--
Aaron stepped out of the sanctuary, turning on his phone and cursing softly as he saw he had one missed call from Morgan, and one new voice mail.
He dialed and listened, smiling as he listened to Morgan talk.
“Hey, Aaron. It’s Mo. Miss you so bad! But it’s okay, ‘cause I’ll be out soon. Like, really soon.
“I don’t know if I’m really ready yet. Really nervous, and I don’t really want to leave, to be honest. This place is like, so safe. Everybody understands, you know? Anyway, I’ll be out in a few days if all goes well. Still working on treatment, and I’m going to live in one of those sober-halfway houses for a few weeks, too. Everybody says it betters our chances to go to one of those rather than straight home. So, pray me up, okay? I’m praying for you guys, too.
“I’m having lots of big breakthrough moments, and I’m really sorry for all the shitty choices I made that affected all you guys. I’m not to the sorry step yet, but I just wanted to let you know now that my brain’s not full of altering shit, that I care a lot about all you guys. I love you, and I’ll be able to visit from Soberville, okay? For sure. So we should do a Madness when we’re all together again. All right, I gotta fly. Take care, dude.”
--
Jon was grabbing a hot-ass cup of mocha cappuccino from the coffee bar at church when he heard Aaron come up behind him and ask for hot chocolate and a biscotti. When he was done, he sat down at a table, carefully removing the cover, so he could let the steam out.
After church everybody pretty much scattered, and left at different times. Jon liked to hang around until it got less busy, and leave then. He wasn’t really sure why. He just preferred the calm, to everybody rushing everywhere. It made him feel better.
“Hey,” he said, sending Aaron a wave. He was in a ridiculously happy mood, mostly because when Aaron got that voice mail message from Morgan, he had passed his phone around and let everyone hear it.
Aaron sat down across the table, still happy as a clam from getting that great message from Mo. It had made his day, he already decided.
“So, anymore nightmares?” he asked Jon easily. He was one of those guys that Aaron could pretty much ask anything, and get an answer. Jon preferred to get to the point, and Aaron could appreciate that. He didn’t like to mess around either. Especially when it came to emotional stuff, and feelings.
“Not really, I guess. I mean, I haven’t really slept well, so, maybe that doesn’t count.”
“Yeah, I don’t think any of us have been. Maybe it’ll get better once Mo gets to her sober house and out of treatment.”
“You want to go to AA sometime maybe? They really encouraged it when Em and I visited. I’m trying to get a group of us together. I think it’d be good for us to kind of know what we’re getting into. A way to be prepared. That kind of thing.”
“Well, I think with both Morgan and Coby involved in it, we should definitely have their backs as far as knowing what they’re dealing with and what we can do to make ourselves better, and not enable any behaviors or anything. I’ll bring it up when we meet up for BS.”
“Is it still BS if we’re not studying anything?” Jon asked, a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth.
“Yeah, why not?” Aaron asked. “Now I gotta find Legendary. They didn’t leave yet, did they?” Aaron asked.
“Jessica! Don’t you dare!” Legend called, running by to avoid Jess, who was aiming brand new cell phone, trying to snap a picture.
“Get back here, you! I need to take your picture. It’s way easier than typing in your name. Come on!” she insisted, laughing, running awkwardly with her still-unsteady gait.
“I got her, Mom!” Christian yelled helpfully, wrapping his arms around her legs, then sitting and wrapping his legs around her, too. “There! Take the picture!” he called.
Aaron laughed as Jess managed to take one, just as Legend cracked up.
“Was that so hard?” Jess asked sweetly. “Gosh, I love this phone. Except all the buttons are kind of small. Why did Coby suddenly think I need one of these?”
“Because,” Christian said matter-of-factly, finally getting up off of Legend’s feet. “And probably, he thinks I need one, too, right?”
“Get back to me in a few years,” Jess said, ruffling his hair. “We should get going, though. Looks like Coby’s waiting for us by the car.”
“Hey,” Aaron spoke up. “Why don’t you let Coby take Christian. I want to hang out with you girls a little bit. Is that okay?”
“I’ll hang out!” Christian volunteered waving a hand around in the air.
“You hung out with me at breakfast, remember?” Aaron asked.
“Oh yeah. Well, I can hang out again,” he offered. “I’m not busy.”
Aaron laughed. “Thanks, kiddo. Maybe another time.”
--
Legend was perched on a huge leather chair in front of the fireplace, sipping her caramel macchiato, while Aaron sat across from her, new coffee in his hand. He had thrown the hot chocolate out, in favor of the Starbucks caramel apple spice.
She was dressed in a light purple shirt, and cute skinny jeans. Her hair was pulled back, because when she wore it loose, she was more apt to be recognized. The bad part of that, was that she had worn her hair back that day in November, too. She could understand Morgan’s desire to always have a hat, or always pull her hair back, because it was sort of the same for her.
Jess was still at the counter, determined to pay for her orange mango banana smoothie, without help. She could count out the dollars with correct change.
When Jess set her mind to something, no one could talk her out of it. And if she didn’t need any help, then either Legend or Aaron were about to stand in her way.
“So, how are things for you?” Aaron asked.
“They’re fine,” Legend answered, averting her eyes.
She wasn’t sure if she wanted to be having one of these deep conversations. There was a lot going on under the surface that Legend didn’t want to discuss. And she definitely didn’t really want to be hanging out in a coffee shop with all its random loud noises and people wearing red. It made her jumpy and a little dizzy.
Legend bit her lip and glanced down at her scarred left hand. She hid it inside her sleeve, unnerved.
Aaron had picked up a newspaper and Legend averted her eyes. The last thing she wanted was reading headlines about random acts of violence.
Jess made her way over, with her smoothie. She was wearing her new favorite outfit. It wasn’t that she was suddenly rolling in money, or anything like that, but Libby had introduced her to thrift shopping and Jess found that she loved it, and found some really cute stuff. Today, she was wearing hot little black leggings and a white top with great sparkles on it.
She had, eventually, managed to come up with four dollars and twenty-five cents to pay for her drink. Legend was worrying her sleeve, and Aaron had his nose buried in the paper. He didn’t seem to notice that she was having a hard time.
And Jess knew firsthand that when Legend struggled, she didn’t like people knowing.
“Hey,” Jess said softly, cringing when Legend jumped. “Do you want to run over to the bookstore or something and just hang out there?” she asked gently. “I’ll talk to Aaron, and then we’ll meet you over there?”
“Yeah, okay…” she nodded, swallowing.
“Aw, see you girl,” Aaron said sadly, standing to hug her goodbye. Once Legend was out the door, Aaron flopped down dejectedly in his own chair, while Jess took the one that had been previously occupied.
“I feel like a horrible friend,” Aaron confessed. “I totally didn’t notice she was having a hard time.”
“She hides it well,” Jess reassured. “But she’ll be okay. I think the noise just got to her.”
“Are you okay here?” he asked. The last thing he wanted was to make Jess upset, too.
“Yeah, are you kidding? I love the noise. And it smells amazing,” Jess laughed.
“You love the coffee smell, and yet you got some weird fruit smoothie…” Aaron trailed off, humor and confusion dancing in his eyes.
“I found out that caffeine and I don’t really get along too well, since my brain…”
Aaron waited, expectant. When Jess had nothing to add, he spoke again. “Just ’since your brain…’” he repeated, amused.
“Yeah, pretty much. Well, you know what I mean, so I don’t have to really explain it…” Jess said, waving it off, to reaffirm that elaboration was optional. “And anyway, you don’t have to worry about me. I’m tough. Grr..” Jess growled, before taking a sip of her drink.
“Hey, you don’t have to tell me twice. I’ve known you for a while. You know your son was asking me advice on being a man this morning?”
Jess squinted. “Really? What did he want to know?”
“If hurting people made you more of a man, and if crying made you less of one,” Aaron told her seriously. “I guess some little punk at school was giving him a hard time. I set him straight, but he said he gets mad a lot when he goes to school. I wasn’t sure if he’d mentioned that so I thought I’d say something, in case you wanted to know.”
“Of course,” Jess nodded. “I always want to know. You cleared everything up for him?.”
“Yeah, no problem. So, anything new?” Aaron asked.
“Well, I paid for my drink just like I said I would. I counted the right amount of money after a few times doing it wrong. It was my luck I was only dealing with dollars and quarters. Those aren’t so hard.”
“Very cool,” Aaron complimented. “Are you doing okay with Morgan, and Liam’s field trip and everything?”
“Not even close,” Jess said, her voice incongruously bright. “I hate that one of us is missing. I hate that Morgan has to go through this, and that we didn’t see it. And I really hate that Liam was so thoughtless. Especially with Libby and Morgan. But there’s not a lot I can really do about it except pray, is there?”
“Sure,” Aaron said, searching out the last remnants of his caramel apple spice. “You can talk to people. Talk to us.”
“I talk to people all the time,” Jess assured him. “Trust me, don’t worry about it. I’m okay. If I’m ever not okay, I’ll let one of you know,” she said sweetly. “I know I got it kind of rough on the injury side of things, but sometimes, I think I got out of it pretty good. Because I don’t have any memory of it.”
“This has really changed you,” Aaron said, his tone reflective.
“How do you mean?” Jess wondered, curious. She was hoping Aaron didn’t mean in a bad way.
“You’ve, like…got a different perspective on life than before, kind of. Before, you were all stressed out about so much and now, you just seem lighter. And it’s been so awesome to see how everybody else can rely on you. You’re kind of like a mom to all of us, you know?”
Jess blushed. “I always knew I changed. I guess I just never slowed down enough to think about how. I mean, other than the massive headaches, and all the deficits. But I guess I am lighter now. If I remember right, I was kind of putting a lot of stress on myself, about things I was already doing. So it wasn’t really…needed, I guess? I was upset about things that I didn’t have to be. Now, it’s just a blessing to get up and know my name, and know that I can be here for Christian, and for all of you. I love knowing that I’m helping you guys, because you’ve done so much for me.”
Aaron just nodded. There was really nothing he could say after that.
“Well, you think we should go get Legend? She gets bored if she’s not always doing something,” Jess shared.
“Definitely,” Aaron agreed, putting his arm around Jess as much in camaraderie as for support. “Thanks for everything you’re doing. For working so hard finding Morgan treatment, for just sticking it out, keeping a level head. We needed that.”
“Well, somebody had to,” Jess smiled. “I just figured, why not me?”
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