Stowaway: Chapter 1

I never told anyone how bad it got. Not that it mattered. Everybody left, and there was nobody to tell when it really mattered. Except Emily. She saved my life. Literally. But I don’t have to tell her that. She knows.

Libby glanced up from her notebook, with the map of the world as its cover, and to the snow-covered road ahead.

“Are you sure we’re going the right way?” she asked, tucking her pen behind her ear. Sure, Emily had been guiding The Beast - as they affectionately called the cargo van that they were taking on this cross-country trip - pretty well up to this point, but Libby was still nervous. Her brother drove like a madman. Her brother was the one she usually drove with.

“You’re seriously doubting Karen’s navigational skills?” Emily joked, holding up her phone’s GPS system.

“No, I’m not doubting Karen. I’m doubting you!” Libby laughed.

“You want to drive for a while?” Emily asked.

“No thanks,” Libby shook her head.

She had only just learned to drive. It was the only thing Emily asked of her when she promised to give Libby an out.

“Well, you’re going to have to, sometime soon. I’m tired, and there’s still five hours ‘til Stowe, if Karen’s right. And she always is.”

Because Libby recognized that it was the last opportunity she might have to sleep, she curled up in the back and tried for it, listening to the song on Emily’s MP3 Player. It was called Good Place, and it was appropriate because Libby thought that finally, she might be headed for one.

As soon as she closed her eyes, it came back to her. The constant pressure. The control. No one had ever believed her, when Libby had tried to tell.

It all started when Nathaniel and Jonathan moved out, leaving Liam with no other roommates. Since Jess was preparing to move out anyway, and Morgan didn’t live there anymore, Libby hadn’t thought it would be a big deal to move in with him.

Except that he watched her all the time. Said where she could go and where she couldn’t. He controlled everything. The money because he was the one working. The car because he was the one who drove. He pressured her to keep going to classes, even though she couldn’t manage to get out of bed on school days.

It didn’t seem to matter that she had been through a trauma. It didn’t matter that she couldn’t go on campus at all without flashing back to something. He made her come to his on-campus Bible study that he continued even when it shrunk to just the two of them.

A few months ago, she was approached at Bible study by someone who asked her to do an exclusive spot on a national news report for the upcoming third anniversary of the worst day of her life. Libby had said no, flat-out. She blocked out whatever else they said to try and convince her, and refused to give out any of her friends’ contact information.

It was then that everyone she had met and loved, everyone she considered close, had nearly been killed. An older guy who worked on campus, who convinced everyone that he was slow, had stalked them, and then trapped them in an empty study room where he brutalized them.

Time had passed. But they were nowhere near over it. Libby knew it was an impossibility to get over something like that. Liam, of course, was convinced that if she prayed hard enough, anything was possible. Like God was a magic eraser who could wipe her memory clean of all the terror she endured.

Emily - who was alternately snacking on Gardettos and yelling at Karen - had been terrorized that day, and still couldn’t sleep through the night. Today, the ghosts in her eyes were somewhere else. Her black hair was hidden underneath her pale blue jacket, with fur around the hood. Emily, who was sure they would all die that day…who couldn’t cope with sudden loud noises….this was the girl who put her whole life on hold for Libby.

She could still remember the conversation. The look in Emily’s eyes as she watched Libby, sitting on one end of the couch with her arms wrapped around her knees as she shook.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Libby had confessed. “I can’t have people always wanting a piece of me, and Liam controlling everything I do. If this is what my life is going to be now, then what’s the point? The only thing that’s stopping me is Morgan.”

Emily nodded. They all remembered the hell everyone experienced when their roommate - who’d been with them in the study room, and sexually assaulted not just once, but over and over - had tried to take her own life in the months after the attack.

“You should come with me,” Emily had invited softly. “I’m taking The Beast on a road trip. We could be nomads, or traveling missionaries. Just doing God’s work, wherever He called us, you know?”

“I wish I could,” Libby sighed, her heart heavy. “Liam would never go for that.”

“Oh, yes he would!” Emily snapped. “It’s God’s work, and Liam’s a total religious freak. Even he couldn’t say no to that.”

Silence had fallen around them, and then Emily had broken it again. “I’ll make you a deal. You learn to drive The Beast, and I’ll help you convince Liam.”

Libby held her head in her hands. “Drive?” She all but moaned the word.

“Lib, you are twenty-one years old! You need to learn to drive. He’s got you totally dependent on him…and kinda brainwashed if you honestly think you can’t do anything.”

“I’ll do it,” Libby answered quietly.

She may have had every aspect of her life controlled by her brother, but she could still think for herself, and she knew, even though her counseling had recently stopped, that she could stand in her power and make her own choices.

So, they introduced the idea to Liam - not of her driving - but the trip itself. He was not only on board with it, he actually gave them money with the promise that they would be back in a week or two.

And now? Now they were living the dream. They had made seven stops, in major cities across the country. They were on their way to their final destination: Stowe, Vermont, where most of their friends had already relocated.

Libby pulled her white comforter around her shoulders, and stood up to take the wheel from Emily. The blanket was still covered in the fabric-paint handprints of their roommates back when college first started. Before November.

It looked like life had been before everything had fallen apart. And it felt like hope.

She wasn’t going back, Libby thought, and breathed a sigh of relief.

--

“Mom! I changed my mind!” Christian called for the millionth time. “I don’t want to be a green Lego. That’s lame, anyway.”

Jess glanced up from the computer where she was checking Libby’s most recent update.

“Coby spent a lot of time making your Lego costume, and your coat can fit under it.” Sighing, Jess asked, “What do you want to be instead?”

“Something cool. Like a skateboarder. Or a basketball star.” Distracted, Christian climbed into Jess’s lap.

“Libby…Jane…New. England. Is beautiful. The Beast…is…beautiful. Life is…beautiful,” he read off the screen. And then turned to Jess, his knees digging uncomfortably

“Who’s Libby Jane? Is that our Libby?”

“Yes. Remember, we used to live with her in the big apartment?” Jess said. She remembered that time fondly.

“Yeah, but her name’s Libby Wright. Not Libby Jane,” Christian pointed out.

“Libby Jane Wright, just like you’re Christian Jesse Walker,” Jess pointed out.

“I wish I was still Christian Gray sometimes,” he confided softly. “But then, I wouldn’t have a dad. So I guess it’s okay.”

Christian went through this dilemma at least once a day, despite the fact that she had married Coby Walker a year and a half ago. Despite the fact that it was Christian who had walked her down the aisle, since her own father still maintained he didn’t have a daughter, even years after she had gotten pregnant while she was a teenager. It was nice to have a family, but it was difficult, too. Because Christian was seven now, almost eight, and still not used to having a man in the house. Even though Coby had legally adopted Christian in the days after the wedding, it was still hard. Sometimes, Christian was happy to have a dad, and sometimes, he wished things could go back to the way they were.

And now he was getting upset over every little thing. He almost had to sit out of the Halloween parade at his school on Friday because he was antagonizing some kid in his class, hitting him over the head with his Lego hat.

But it made sense. Christian was tense for the same reason that she was tense, and getting headaches more frequently. It was the same reason Coby’s leg not only hurt when it rained, but now, every minute of every day. It would be like that until November 1st passed. Then, she knew, everything would return to normal.

“The Beast is a great name for a car.” Christian told her. “I think, when I drive, in eight years, I’ll name my car that.”

Jess nodded, wincing as pain radiated through her head.

“I’ll get you ice,” Christian insisted, rushing to the kitchen. Jess knew without watching that he was wrapping an ice pack in a towel, and getting her a glass of water and Tylenol.

Her son was used to being the man in the family. From the time he was a toddler, and could barely talk, he did what he could to help her, protect her and comfort her. It was a tough adjustment for him to get used to Coby not only as a father, but also as Jess’s husband.

“Hey, what’s up?” Jess heard Coby ask.

“Mom has a headache,” Christian passed along seriously.

Jess imagined him, with his curly black hair cut shorter now, his light brown skin that didn’t match either her own or Coby’s - so much so that when they first moved to Vermont - well-meaning people asked her quietly where he was adopted from. She explained patiently that Christian’s biological father was black. She appreciated it when they would nod and move on.

“I can bring this stuff to her, CJ. Why don’t you get your costume on?” Coby encouraged.

“I got it,” Christian insisted.

Jess smiled as they both came into the living room where she was now lying on the couch. Christian carefully put the ice pack where he knew it hurt the most, and then waited as she took the Tylenol and the water.

“Thanks, baby,” Jess said, blowing Christian a kiss.

Coby sat carefully on the couch beside her, laying Jess’s head in his lap. “How’s my wife?” he asked softly as Christian climbed onto the rolling desk chair and started typing.

“Great now. How are you?” she asked. “You’re limping.”

“Yeah, I’ll be glad when tomorrow’s over,” he confided.

Everything would be easier once tomorrow was over. Anniversaries sucked. She still couldn’t believe it would be three years since some psycho on their college campus trapped herself, Coby and several of their friends in a room. Coby had been shot in the leg, protecting Morgan, another one of their friends. And Jess had been shot in the head moments after the crazy took over the room. At least, that’s what she’d been told. Jess honestly couldn’t remember much of the attack, except for the shirt Coby had on. It was a black tee shirt that read I LOVE HOT MOMS. It was back when he had a crush on her, and she couldn’t see past his leather jacket, motorcycle-riding exterior.

Lucky for Jess, he had seen her, and he had always been there for her, even before November. It seemed fitting that he started out lending her his cute, black car, because now it was hers, and he had pickup. It was appropriate since he now worked as the town’s handyman. She had a job as a room attendant at the Stowe Mountain Lodge.

They had a cute house - yellow with green trim - and even a golden retriever puppy named Snoopy that liked to be carried around, and still peed on the carpet if you didn’t open the back door to let him out immediately. They had the perfect family, and she and Coby had been diligently trying to add to it. And now, Jess was pregnant. But no one knew yet. Christian had been begging for a little brother or sister, and Jess had always wondered what it would be like to come together with someone who she genuinely loved and respected and wanted to start a family with. Not that Christian was unwanted. He was a blessing, but these circumstances were different. She felt ready. And so far, she didn’t feel sick or anything. It was great. Now if she could just get this damn headache to go away so she could enjoy Halloween.

Easily, Coby started massaging Jess’s head. Sometimes it helped, and sometimes it made her want to smack him. Luckily this time, it relaxed her.

“How’s LP?” Coby asked, furtively moving one hand to rest on Jess’s stomach. Since they still didn’t know the sex of the baby, and she was three months along, Jess had taken to calling the baby Little Precious. Since Coby couldn’t quite say the words aloud, he abbreviated it.

Jess was about to answer when the doorbell rang.

“Trick-or-treaters!” Christian exclaimed, rushing to get into his Lego costume. Finally, he gave up, tossing it aside, and rushing to look out the window and open the door.

--

Nathaniel and Cary stood on Jess and Coby’s front steps, shivering. It had seemed like a good idea in theory to come dressed in their Halloween best.

Cary was a pirate, but not just a Pirates of the Caribbean rip off, a unique and amazing pirate, with tall boots, an authentic pirate earring, shiny black pants and a blue, ripped shirt, with a vest over that. He had a great hat, and an eye patch that he wasn’t wearing, because it was already snowing, and hard to see.

Nathaniel was the most gorgeous parrot that Cary had ever seen. He made the costume himself, with plenty of encouragement from Libby, back in Minnesota, who was constantly mailing him colorful, pretty fabric. He had layers of bold, bright, and shiny fabric. Cary didn’t know shit about fabric and was pretty sure Nate didn’t either, but at least Morgan was nearby and willing to put in whatever free time she had at the sewing machine, piecing together Nathaniel’s parrot costume.

They had been married for a year, and every day, Cary was positive that Nathaniel got more beautiful. In addition to the fabric-feathers, Nate had real honest-to-God feathers interspersed: bright red ones, vivid green ones, orange and yellow ones, blue and purple ones. Cary didn’t ask whose idea or whose job it had been to dye millions of feathers. He wore Morgan’s green eye-shadow and his face was streaked with color. It was unlike Nate to dress in a way that attracted attention. That stopped three years ago - before he and Cary met - when Nathaniel had been trapped in a room on his college campus. He, along with two girls, Morgan and Libby, had been taken behind a desk and violated by a fast-food employee who worked on campus. He called himself Buddy, but his real name was Melville Hamilton. He was in his forties, and it was known now that he had a record as long as Cary’s arm, which included previous sexual offenses in other states. Though they didn’t talk about him, Cary understood that Mel existed between them, and probably always would. But right now, Cary didn’t want to think about that. He wanted to think about how his husband looked amazing.

The door was finally pulled open, and both held out their buckets. “Trick or treat!” they called in unison.

Christian, dressed all in green, cracked up as soon as he saw them. “Hey, Mom and Dad! Nate and Cary are here! And they’re dressed just like Johnny Depp and his parrot, if Johnny Depp had a parrot!”

“Nice,” Cary said under his breath. “I go to all this effort to dress like a unique pirate, and right away, I’m Johnny Depp.”

“Oh, settle down,” Nate chided, smiling. “Johnny Depp’s hot. It’s a compliment.”

“Johnny Depp is disgusting and creepy,” Cary said decidedly.

“Out,” Jess ordered playfully, sitting up. “Anyone who speaks ill of Johnny Depp is banished from my home.”

“Hey, you guys look great!” Coby exclaimed.

“Thanks,” Nathaniel replied, blushing under his makeup.

“Oh, really. Our house is in your back yard. It’s not really a punishment,” Cary argued.

“I’ll show you a punishment,” Jess insisted, her voice low.

“Take these and run,” Coby advised in a whisper, giving Nathaniel and Cary handfuls of candy.

“I’ll be home tonight,” Nate called over his shoulder. “Cary has to work, but come over, Christian. You can see our Haunted House.”

“Are you going to go work at the bar dressed like Johnny Depp?” Christian asked, as they headed for the door.

“No, I don’t think it’s allowed,” Cary said, hiding his scowl with a pleasant tone of voice.

“I’m gonna be a Lego! I’ll come and show you before you go to work! What time do you go to work?” Christian asked.

“Eight o’clock,” Cary called back.

“Okay, that’s my bedtime. So, I’ll for sure be over before then!”

Together, Cary and Nate walked home. Their house wasn’t really haunted, but they had decorated the entry way with spider webs and had Halloween songs playing. Nathaniel had insisted it not be too scary, in case little kids came by.

It hadn’t been much of an adjustment getting married. Nathaniel and had moved in with Cary, and had lived there for months before Cary proposed in the most romantic way ever.

It was romantic because it was simple, and private, and Nathaniel treasured those things. He was grateful for a place where he could be himself and not be harassed. His former roommate Liam, had been a master at that. It was weird, too, because Nathaniel was best friends with Libby, Liam’s younger sister. She acted nothing like him.

Nathaniel loved being married, and loved being taken care of and looking out for Cary. Their roles weren’t set in stone, and that was good. But it was understood that around this time of year, it was Nate that needed to be looked out for.

He tried to focus on the simple things. Work, as a line cook at the Stowe Mountain Lodge. Remodeling their downstairs, so they could get a pool table. Getting to know the neighbors, since they were still viewed as newcomers, even after living here for a year. Luckily, everyone treated them well, and they didn’t have any problems. Even the little church was great. Plus, it was really nice having Jess and Coby right behind them, and Jonathan and Morgan a ten-minute drive away, if the roads were good.

Talk of having kids wasn’t happening at the moment, but it wasn’t completely off the table either. Someday, they agreed. But every time Nate saw a baby in church or at the mercantile, he melted inside. Then, he’d send Cary a look, and Cary would nod, understanding.

It wasn’t always smooth sailing. In fact, it usually wasn’t. They fought. Especially this time of year. Cary didn’t get why so many things caused problems for Nate. He didn’t understand why Nate was always thinking about it. Why he couldn’t just think of something else for five minutes. Why Nate couldn’t handle being away from Cary for an extended time. Why Nate always panicked when Cary traveled - it wasn’t out of some need for control - but fear that something might happen to Cary and then Nate would be alone. But their fights were pretty low-key. They mostly yelled to blow of steam. And when it was over, it was over, and they went back to the way things were. The two of them, madly in love with one another.

“I have to show this to Morgan, and thank her for the amazing job. I wonder how they’re doing?” Nate asked, thinking of not only Morgan, but Jonathan as well.

They were both in the room with him three years ago. Four months later, Morgan had fallen hard into drinking and drug-use to cope with being raped repeatedly, and watching as the man who did it kill himself in front of her. Jonathan had gotten cut - a brutal slash down the side of his face - with the knife he’d been using to threaten Nate behind the desk. He choked Jon until he almost passed out. Morgan and Jon were living together now, both doing amazing, generally. But all bets were off with November around the corner.

So Nate got in the car, parrot costume and all, and drove down the snowy streets to pay his friends a visit.

--

Morgan was doing her best to deal. She had been to a meeting already today, and had called her sponsor repeatedly, who advised her in some basic things that Morgan already knew, but it helped to hear them again.

The fact was, she spent the entire year dreading this day. Right after it happened, she lost herself, using drugs and drinking when that wasn’t enough to dull the pain. She got straight after Jonathan, Nathaniel, and his new boyfriend Cary, saved her life. They found her suicide note and took her to the hospital, where she spent seventy-two hours in the psych ward and then thirty days in rehab. She did counseling and all that, too, to deal with the abuse and the attack. And for a while, she was okay. Then November came around for the first time, and Morgan relapsed. She didn’t try to kill herself, but it was still bad. She got kicked out of the apartment on-campus where she lived with Jess, Christian, Emily, Libby and Legend. She was homeless for a while and then, on Christmas Day - when she realized what day it was - she went to church and knew she had lost everything. She made a decision then and there to get treatment, and get her life together. For real.

Now, she was nearly two years clean and sober and felt great. Except for Thursdays, the first of November, or when she encountered any of her countless other triggers. But she was coping. It was a battle, but she was winning it, a day at a time.

She was really blessed, actually. Jonathan had been by her side since her suicide attempt. She didn’t remember it, but knew he was there. Just like she knew Nathaniel and Cary had been there. Her boyfriend at the time, Liam, had been in deep denial and left as Morgan had nearly surrendered to hopelessness. In the months following, she broke up with him, which, let’s face it, was one of the best decisions she had ever made.

Jonathan was a strong presence in her life, but never pushed himself on her. When she relapsed, and she called, he stood firm. They could talk when she got sober, until then, he wanted nothing to do with her.

The journey here had been hard for both of them. They had been living together for six months, and had followed Jess, Coby and Christian, and Nathaniel and Cary out east to Vermont. The appeal of small-town life was too great.

She and Jon had gone in together on a white lodge-style house. It was sparsely decorated, with just a few pieces of furniture, and always clean. They had a fish tank, and once, it had been full of tropical as well as regular fish, until they started getting weird diseases, and attacking each other. Now, they had a goldfish and an angel fish, and some blue fish that looked like he was about to die. Jon called him Grandpa because he looked old.

Morgan had been keeping busy these last several weeks, dedicating every second of her spare time when she wasn’t working her program to sewing Nathaniel’s Halloween costume. It had been a nice distraction, and it was fun to watch Jon diligently dying white feathers all different colors, wearing rubber gloves and goggles.

“What’s up?” Jon asked, coming to join her at the kitchen table.

“Your grandmother called. She says we’re living in sin,” Morgan passed along, forcing a smile.

“Aw, Grandma Mitchell?” he said affectionately. “Give her a break, she’s eighty-seven. Pretty soon, she’ll just be happy that we’re happy. You want to go trick-or-treating tonight?” he asked. “I could go as a pirate. I already have the scar. Won’t even need make-up,” he joked.

Morgan looked at him for a long time, and then kissed her fingertips and pressed them to the scar. “I don’t care how you look. I don’t love you because of that. I love you because you’re an amazing guy. …And you can’t be a pirate, Cary’s already being one.”

“The lazy bum!” Jon exclaimed good-naturedly. “Can’t even come up with his own costume ideas, so he steals mine. What’s up with that?”

“Dude, he and Nathaniel decided on their costumes in, like, April,” Morgan passed along, smiling. “I should know, I worked on the damn parrot costume every waking hour for just about that long…”

“He better get his ass over here. I wanna see how my feathers look,” Jon grumbled.

--

Christian had finally gotten into his Lego costume, and was thrilled when Jess and Coby revealed their plan to be Green Lego’s buddies Yellow Lego and Red Lego. They were almost ready to go out, after taking pictures when a knock stopped them short.

“Oh, I bet I know who it is!” Christian hollered, rushing to look out the window and throwing open the door.

“Hey! Oh my gosh, you’re so big!” Libby exclaimed, hugging Christian awkwardly around his costume.

“Trick-or-treat!” Emily called, “Hey Jess! Hey, Coby!”

“What are you girls doing here! Oh gosh, I’ve missed you! Get over here and hug me,” Jess demanded.

It still hurt to be so far away from Legend, the best friend that Jess had grown up with. Over time, she had grown apart from them. The same could be said for Aaron, who Jess had gone to high school with, and Bryan, who had also been there in November, and had his own life back home. For them, Jess knew, it was easier to break away and move on than it was to stay with them and be reminded each day.

Jess held onto each of them an extra long time, not caring that her yellow Lego was probably digging in to them somewhere. She held them at arm’s length and studied them. Emily’s eyes were brown and shining with happiness and strength. She had grown up in the year and a half since Jess had seen her. Next it was Libby’s turn, and Jess held that precious face between her hands and studied Libby’s clear blue eyes seriously. They looked haunted, and she felt too thin. Jess made a mental note to feed them both, and insist they stay as long as they need to. These were her friends, and they all missed each other.

“We sort of got invited…” Libby confessed handing her phone to Jess and embracing her.

Jess glanced at the screen.

U shud come and vist us. We are New England. CJ

“Honey, come see this,” Jess called, as Coby the Red Lego limped out to see what all the commotion was.

“Hey, ladies! Long trip?”

“Christian invited us!” Emily said happily.

“And aren’t you glad I did? You guys should come trick-or-treating with us! You both can be Blue Legos if you want!” Christian interjected.

“When did you write this?” Jess asked, simultaneously impressed and mortified that her son apparently knew how to comment on people’s online statuses.

“You left the page up when you had your headache,” he passed along. “Come on Libby and Emily. I’ll show you where the costumes are.”

--

Nathaniel showed up as if he’d been conjured, and had plenty of news to report. Still dressed as a parrot, he passed along the text he received from Libby.

“What does she mean, ’We’re here’?” Morgan asked, confused.

“Don’t you ever go online? They’ve been driving for two days straight. I didn’t know they were headed here until Christian told Libby they should stop by.”

“Smart kid,” Jon put in.

“Hey, anyway, sorry! I’m so not a good guest. Thanks so much for the costume. I love it. Doesn’t it look great?” Nate asked, turning slowly to show off every inch.

“So great,” Morgan complimented. “We need a picture.”

“No! Not blackmail!” Nate called, laughing. He tried to crouch behind the chair Jon occupied, but all his feathers got in the way.

“Hell, yes, blackmail!” Jon countered.

Nate pretended to hide, but at the last minute, struck a pose, standing one leg. “So, how are you guys?” he asked, sitting awkwardly in a chair.

“I’m okay,” Morgan allowed. “Hey, with the girls here, we should have a Monday Madness. Tell Libby.”

“Okay. They’re trick-or-treating with the Walkers. They’re all dressed as Legos,” Nate passed along.

“Oh, my God… And you guys can go, but I’m gonna be in bed Monday, with a migraine. I’ll probably sleep the whole day,” he confided. It was true. Every year, he got the worst migraine and spent the entire day trying to sleep it off.

“But you’ll be up in time for dinner, right?” Nate asked seriously.

“I guess I can make that my goal,” Jon allowed.

Nathaniel was halfway to the door when Morgan called him back. “Hey. Come over tomorrow, all right? Hang out with me. I don’t want to be alone, and you don’t either. I’m taking the day off work.”

“All right. Thanks,” Nate nodded. “See you tomorrow.”

But all three knew that seeing each other wasn’t a guarantee. That was why it was so important to take care of each other moment by moment.