Belief: Chapter 10

My life and my heart…from walls to shambles, from concrete to silk…
- January Johnson

Alex finally felt ready. She was still far from recovered, but she had a voice, and intended to use it. She wasn’t just going to sit back and let her friends be stolen by apathy.

She stood, knowing she had to address the room before she lost her nerve. Her voice was still weak, and slightly hoarse, from disuse and surgery, but she was determined.

“Mikhail,” she said quietly. “I have something, can you ask them to listen?” Alex said, her nerves showing in that brief time.

“Okay, everyone. Our friend Sasha have something to share. Please show her respect.” Mikhail requested, barely raising his volume.

Silence fell. Alex stood there, her eyes moving from face to face, as tears built within her. “Oh, God…” she begged. Panic started, at such a vulnerable show of emotions, when she had planned on giving them a tongue-lashing of sorts.

“We can’t do this. We can’t live like belief is just a word in our vocabulary. Our belief in God should show in how we live, and it hasn’t been.” Tears fell and Alex felt so helpless but she couldn’t stop now. “I just want to say that this isn’t about me. Honestly, it would have been nice to have more support during this time I was going through, but it wasn’t necessary. It’s not about Elise or Rob or Kylie or Jared. It’s about all of us.”

Rob met her gaze slowly. He didn’t know what she had in store to say, but he did know he was going to listen.

“We all have crap going on. I get that. But we can’t fight our own battles, you know? We can’t just come together once a week and bond over superficiality. That’s what this group has become. We use Bible Study as an excuse to socialize with each other, and inside we’re drowning. If we’re lucky, one Belle or Elise or Kylie steps up and helps us through our time of need. But that isn’t enough. We need to be there for each other. We need to bear one another’s burdens. We need to start living like a belief is more than just something we hold. But something that shows outside of church’s four walls.”

Beside Alex, Gabe reached for her hand, but she pulled back. She had to do this.

Her voice broke. “This isn’t just some person in the sky we serve. He’s my Father. He gave His life for me. And He’s been there for me every step of the way. If I love God like I say I do, then I can’t let this go on. If you’ve gotta get right, then I challenge you to do that. As far as I’m concerned, Bible Study can wait. This takes priority. If you need forgive someone then I challenge you to go to that person and humble yourself enough to do that. This is serious. Loving someone isn’t an obligation, it’s a gift. If you’ve meant to show someone you love them, but haven’t because it scares you, what are you waiting for?”

Alex waited. Eyes watched her still. And then, slowly, she saw them come to life around her.

Belle was the first to stand, stepping through the maze of people until she stood in front of the one she needed to get real with.

Alex.

Belle stood before her, eyes shining with unshed tears. “I’m sorry I didn’t stay…” she apologized, her voice labored. Not saying more, Belle opened her arms, and Alex fell into it so gratefully.

For a time, they just stood there, Belle rubbing Alex’s back, and giving her the support she should have given her weeks ago in the hospital.

When she pulled back, Belle could see tears shimmering in Alex’s eyes.

“It really helps to know that.” Alex admitted. “Especially since I know it was hard for you to go, and see me like that. It means a lot that you’d put yourself in that position for me.”

“It just scared me,” Belle sighed, “But I still feel like I should have stayed and been there for you, since a lot of us weren’t.”

“It’s okay.” Alex smiled. “Really.”

--

Missy sat stunned on the couch. Unashamed, she wept, too, asking for forgiveness from God before daring to approach anyone. Her heart hurt at her own indifference and disgust. Taking a deep breath, Missy stood.

One by one, she gathered those she had offended most deeply, and took them away from the action. At the kitchen table, she looked at their faces. She swore the grief at her actions would swallow her before she had the chance to speak a word. But she had promised God. So slowly, she began to speak.

“Rob,” she looked at him directly. He didn’t look away. “I want to apologize to you. Not once did I even ask your name. I know that my attitude about all I have to deal with has offended you, since no one bothered to ask what you might be dealing with. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t care to ask. I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to give you the apology you deserve. I can’t speak for everyone, but I know I’m glad you’re here.”

Surprised that she even remembered she had offended him, Rob nodded. He wished only that her apology had came sooner, and that he could guarantee that with it, he could see proof that she wouldn’t treat him the same anymore. But he didn’t voice any of his concerns, seeing by the look on Missy’s face that she still had apologies to make.

Missy barely paused before continuing. “Elise, I need to ask your forgiveness,” Missy admitted, shame rising to color her cheeks. “I…I judged you. When Kylie asked if she could bring you and your brother, I judged you right away. I know you felt that, and I had no right to do it. You’re a strong young woman, and I’m glad you came. I’m glad you haven’t stopped. Because if you had, I would miss the chance to get to know you.”

From across the table, Elise had broken. Never imagining anyone would single her out to apologize – not thinking herself worthy of the effort. But here was Missy, doing just that, and so honestly. Elise nodded, not able to do much more.

Instinctively, Rob got up then, before Missy got to Kylie. Following suit, Elise rose too, leaving them alone.

“Kylie…” Missy spoke gently. “I owe you such an apology. We were so close a while back, and I know I just left you to yourself. But I also wanted to say something to you. Thank you for keeping my hope alive.”

Kylie squinted, her eyes bright, wondering what Missy could mean.

“Watching you serve Rob and Elise like you have – I mean, not even watching you, just knowing you’re doing it… That has kept my faith strong, when I saw us falling apart as a group. You gave me hope that it could be done. The Christian life can be lived. The only thing I regret is that you did so much of it by yourself.” Missy said sincerely.

“I know you didn’t mean anything by it,” Kylie reassured, “But it hurt me. We used to be close, and now we’re like strangers. And I don’t know if we can get that back. Or even if we should desire to have it.”

--

Feeling strangely empty, Kylie returned to claim her seat, ignoring the fact that Bible study had unofficially ended, and people were descending on the kitchen. People milled around her, and she saw Alex had a whole line of people waiting to talk to her. She smiled.

Julia came and sat across from Kylie. “Hey,” she greeted easily.

“Hey,” Kylie returned, suddenly a little wary at Julia’s sudden appearance, and desire to talk.

“I just wanted to let you know that I do care about you. I was there when Rob had his moment thing and he said a couple things involving you. It kind of gave me the impression that you think we don’t care about you. I just wanted to let you know that I do care about you. I don’t agree with your lifestyle, but I care about you…” Julia sat, waiting.

“You talk like I’m living sinfully,” Kylie started, her guard going up further.

Julia studied her. “I think you’re lowering your standards. And I think that if you honestly believe that a non-Christian guy is God’s best for you then you’ve got a few things to figure out. You’re not his wife, and you’re no one’s mother; you don’t have to live like it.”

“I thought that was supposed to be an apology.” Kylie spoke quietly, keeping her own rarely exhibited temper in check – well aware that Elise was around.

“I just wanted to point out that I care. It was never an apology, because I don’t believe I have anything to apologize for. That’s my conviction. I don’t have a reason to apologize for it.”

“I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree,” Kylie said simply, though her cheeks burned at the blatant insult and attack on her character.

And without another word, Julia rose and went to the kitchen to join the rest of the people enjoying each other’s company.

Kylie knew that not everybody would come around, but it was still hard to experience, especially at the hands of a friend. Instead of lashing out, or leaving, Kylie stayed put. She knew not everyone shared Julia’s view, but it stung that she had to hear it, especially under the guise of an apology.

She glanced across the room where she saw Alex and Kenzie trading fashion accessories. Alex was moving her hair aside, so Kenzie could secure her newest purchase around Alex’s neck. It was nothing more than a farmer-red bandanna, but Alex loved it, and wanted to try it on.

Kylie watched as Kenzie took such care securing the bandanna around Alex’s neck, not wanting to hurt her, or aggravate the portion it that sported a nasty bruise and incision. It made Kylie wonder if other kinds of pain – emotional wounds – could manifest themselves in such a startling way whether or not people’s reactions to her would have been different.

But it didn’t matter now. No matter how many ways she tried to rationalize Julia’s words, it didn’t matter. Even the knowledge that she had friends that did care about her, and supported her regardless of whose company she was in didn’t take away the sting of rejection. She’d attended church with Julia for a while, and never once did she imagine the younger would end up behaving that way.

Getting up slowly, Kylie found Rob. It wasn’t difficult, considering he hadn’t moved yet either.

She sat beside him, and he immediately looked up from her Bible. “Elise is giving Alex hers back,” he said in explanation.

“I don’t mind,” she shrugged.

Rob set the Bible aside and put an arm around Kylie, relishing this time when they could pretend they were the only two in the room. Actually, at that moment, they were alone, which made it that much better. Rob drew Kylie closer and kissed her temple.

“I love you,” he told her, looking right into her eyes. “I know I don’t say it often, but thank you for helping us out. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“You’re sweet,” she complimented, snuggling up to him.

“Oh gross!”

Rob glanced up. He smiled.

“Yes?” he asked seeing his sister there, his own eyes twinkling.

“Could you, like, get a room or something?” she teased.

Rob laughed, the sound warming Kylie’s heart unexpectedly.

“There ain’t nothin’ wrong with this, honey,” Kylie said good-naturedly.

Elise scrunched up her face. “There is if you gotta watch it.”

“We should leave the lovebirds alone, huh?” Andrew kidded, coming up alongside Elise. He took her hand, and called over his shoulder, “Keep it G-rated. There’s children here.”

Elise pulled her hand back, feigning insult. “Who are you calling a child?”

Andrew just laughed, and continued on his way, glad to see Rob and Kylie enjoying each other’s company. They needed the chance to just be there with each other, just like Elise needed the opportunity to simply be seventeen.

--

Jared maneuvered as far as he could get in the mess of people. Finally, he gave up, hoping that if he called, Micah would actually come over to him, and not go the other way.

But Micah heard his name, and immediately turned toward where it was coming from. He jumped over a couple chairs and stood in front of Jared, still full of energy, but strangely serious in his expression.

“Dude, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for being so defensive. I should have probably just asked if you had any questions. But this thing is still new for me, so it didn’t really occur to me until after I blew my top a few times. So, I’m sorry for that.”

“Don’t even,” Micah put his hands up. “I treated you like crap. And I do think of you as a person – even though it didn’t really show…ever.”

Jared waved him off. “Don’t worry about it. I was just like you,” he admitted ducking his head. “I couldn’t be mad at you anymore than I could’ve ever been mad at myself before. But I was way worse than you.”

“Oh, yeah right.” Micah scoffed. “No, it’s cool. Thanks, man.”

--

Once Belle was finished, Gabe took his turn with Alex, letting her know himself, how much he regretted not being there for her when she needed a friend, before and after surgery. He knew his regret meant little, but hoped his sincerity in apologizing meant something to her.

“Alex, I’m sorry. I acted like a jerk, and you deserve better than that. If I made you a promise, I should have been prepared to keep my word, no matter what. And the fact that it’s hard on me shouldn’t even play a part.”

“I know. I didn’t exactly make things easy on you either,” Alex admitted. “I just missed you.”

“You were entitled, trust me.” Gabe squeezed her shoulder.

--

Gabe walked out to the kitchen to pour a cup of coffee and take it to Julia and one for Chris, since the two seemed like pros at simply blending into surroundings. Gabe wanted them to know that they were seen, and that they mattered.

With Gabe gone, Elise timidly approached Alex, not knowing how she would take to her difference of approach. But her anxiety melted away, as Alex embraced her.

“Hey, honey, how are you?” Alex asked sweetly, pulling Elise to sit down next to her.

“I’m fine,” Elise returned automatically. “I just…I don’t have anything to apologize for, but I wanted to give this back.” Elise finally showed what she’d been concealing behind her back.

Alex’s eyes lit up as she saw her Bible. “Oh, thank you! I missed it! Are you sure you don’t want it anymore?”

Elise shook her head. “Kylie lets me use hers whenever I want.”

--

Kylie’s Bible was also never far from Rob. Little did anyone know, ever since Alex had lent them hers, Rob had taken to using up every free moment to reading it. He had learned passages, and could quote a couple small ones by memory. But he remembered coming across one that seemed like it captured the essence of what Alex had been trying to say, and from his spot on the carpet, Rob began quoting it, in his voice that seldom rose above a whisper:

“Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

“The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.”

Rob glanced up and saw Elise. For a brief moment Rob saw her as his memory would always see her. At sixteen, in the dress she’d worn only twice. Except now, he looked back with fullness of perspective. He not only saw her beauty, but her pain. Rob could see every bruise on her arms and legs, and hear every excuse she gave. As always, Rob blinked. He looked at his sister now.

From across the room, Rob saw her being entertained once again by Andrew, and his ability to always make her laugh. In that moment Rob let himself take in everything. The short hair that incessantly poked up through the top layer, since Elise had decided to start wearing her hair up, her never-ending cute outfits, that she managed to put together despite their limited budget. But most of all, for the first time he could recall, Elise looked truly happy.

And for the first time, he didn’t feel an ache in his heart. Because no longer saw her in terms of all they had lost, but instead, could finally see all they had gained.

It was all reflected in her smile.

--

Jared watched Elise from across the room, and he knew he had to talk to her. He and Rob had already been able to speak with one another – he had gotten to see what kind of man he was, and he knew he needed to afford Elise the same opportunity.

She looked different to him somehow. Jared knew she was more comfortable now than she had been at first, but it was more than that. She looked happier now. She was smiling more – and it was the type of smile that went all the way to her eyes – a genuine show of happiness rather than a shadow.

Elise saw Jared coming, and immediately moved aside, thinking that he wanted to move past her.

“You’re fine,” he allowed. “Actually, can I talk to you?”

Elise nodded, and squinted, unsure of what he could want to talk with her about. She didn’t think they’d ever spoken once. But she went along, curiosity getting the better of her.

Once they were relatively secluded from the noise, Jared found himself at a loss of what he could talk about. Starting a conversation seemed unnaturally difficult, given that they’d never spoken, and he knew nothing about her.

But he was determined. Unlike others in the room, Jared didn’t feel the need to absolve himself of any wrongdoing, but instead, desired to get to know people he hadn’t had the chance to talk to. He hadn’t excluded her, or made a conscious effort not to talk to her, time just never gave the opportunity, and Jared was going to make sure he didn’t let it slip between his fingers. Mainly because he knew you were never guaranteed tomorrow. That was a reality he carried with him, and it made even simple things, like conversation, seem necessary in the here and now.

“So…” Elise started. “How are you?”

“I’m fine,” Jared returned, surprised. “You?”

“Me, too,” she agreed, and smiled. Then, “I saw a lot of people in wheelchairs when I was in the hospital doing rehab.”

She remembered them – most of them had been older than her, and recovering from different brain injuries like strokes. She had watched them silently for weeks, and wished she had their courage. On the days she felt like giving up, Elise would watch the people around her – some more seriously brain injured than herself – and saw that no matter how tough it got, they never gave up. Countless times, Elise had drawn strength from them.

“Yeah?” he asked. Jared didn’t know if the fact that Elise had brought up the topic meant that it was open for discussion.

She nodded. “I was pretty out of it most of the time, but yeah, I saw them there.”

“What did you think?” Jared asked, not able to keep the cynic in him at bay. Just because she seemed to be accepting didn’t mean it was true.

Elise shrugged. “I thought they worked hard,” she offered, not understanding what else he was driving at.

Jared smiled, relaxing again. “Did you work hard?”

“I think so,” Elise admitted, ducking her head. “When I first came, I could barely talk when people talked to me first, and now I'm the one saying stuff first.”

“That’s improvement,” he nodded.

“Was yours hard?” Elise asked, remembering how many days she had come out of hers in tears, not because of pain, but humiliation.

“My rehab? It was pretty hard, yeah. Mostly just relearning stuff. I bet yours was pretty hard,” Jared guessed.

Nodding, Elise explained. “It was like that, too. Just being taught how to say what things are, and my voice still leaves sometimes, so I learned how to deal with that, and figure normal life stuff out like following directions…but it made me feel really stupid.”

“I hear ya,” he sympathized.

“Do you ever get scared when you ride in a car?” Elise wondered, hoping she was being gentle about it.

“Not really…but when there’s a lot going on around me and I’m in a situation where I can’t move around much, then I get kinda scared.”

“Yeah. I was just wondering. Sometimes little things like that don’t seem so little. I have things like that too.” Involuntarily, she shuddered.

Reaching out, Jared took her hand and squeezed it. He didn’t let go.

“I figured,” he answered sincerely. “You looked like you were scared all the time the first time I came.”

“I was.”

“But you’re not now?”

“Not as much.” She squeezed his hand back.

“That’s good.”

“You remind me of Robby,” Elise confided seriously.

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Jared smiled. “Your brother’s a good guy. He was my legs at the hay ride.”

“He’s everything to me,” she whispered – still not able to believe all he had done for her.

Jared let go of her hand. “Do you have a relationship with God?”

Elise was quiet, for once not because of her speech going, but because she had no idea how to answer. “Um, probably not, since I don’t know what you mean,” she deduced finally.

“I mean, do you pray? Do you talk to God like these guys do?” he gestured widely to indicate the majority of the room.

“No, but I’ve been reading the Bible,” she offered, wanting to tell him something at least.

That much was true. She had made it her goal to familiarize herself with Kylie’s Bible so that she could understand what things were being said. Whenever Kylie came over now, they rarely discussed anything outside spirituality. Elise’s curiosity was unquenchable, and she desired to know more, to push the envelope. Her secondary goal, aside from learning the Bible was to stump Kylie. To ask a question that she didn’t know the answer to. But so far, that hadn’t happened. Kylie was steadfast in her pursuit of answers for Elise – and also, privately, for Rob.

Jared raised his eyebrows. “That’s good.” He paused. “Do you think you ever might accept Jesus as your Savior?” he asked plainly.

Silent, Elise considered it. “I might,” she allowed. “I think I’d have to give it more thought. I’m not just going to jump into something blind.”

“Right,” Jared nodded. “That’s smart.”

Elise felt her heart jump. Of all the things she’d overheard people describe her as over the months, smart was never one of them. She was pleased.

The last year of her life she had been referred to as unintelligent. Her mom had never countered any of his opinions, so Elise grew to accept it as truth. But now, someone had finally told her something different. Jared had told her she was smart. And she actually felt proud.

“Kylie talks to me about God, though. Even before she brought us, she talked to me about Him. I don’t know if she talked to Robby, but she talked to me, and told me that He was with me, and He would always be with me to help me through hard times. She told me that if someone accepts Him, like you’re saying, then they get His righteousness in place of their sin, or something like that.”

“Yeah, if you repent of your sin, and stuff, I think that’s true.” Jared agreed, surprised that she had apparently paid so much attention to Kylie.

“Do you mind if people tell you they’ve been praying for you?” Jared shifted in his seat and waited.

“No,” Elise was surprised.

“Good, because I have.”

--

The following week, they gathered at Micah’s for the last time before the holidays. Thanksgiving was the next week, and they had agreed not to meet then.

There wasn’t an obvious change when they all came together, but something more intangible that was different now. No one person sat down and declared themselves the leader that night.

Instead, Julia, usually so quiet people forgot she was there volunteered something. “I know this probably sounds really stupid, but could we maybe each say what we’re thankful for tonight?”

The memory hit Rob full force again, and he wasn’t sure how much more he could take. Even with the recent peace of mind he had experienced, it was going to take time to fully stick. His latest revelation hadn’t been pleasant to recall, and he didn’t want to see the two versions of his sister. The Thanksgiving version who was happy and the sister he remembered, and the Christmas version who was deceptive and constantly hurt.

Thanksgiving and Christmas had somehow merged in his mind, to become one and the same. The idea that the first holiday was just around the corner meant little to Rob. Everything was combined, and the feeling of guilt still rested on top, weighing him down more than he thought anything could.

He rose, and all eyes turned toward him, no doubt thinking he would be the first to volunteer what he was grateful for. But he couldn’t think past the image in his head, now, of Elise in the hospital bed by herself

Pushing his way out the back door, Rob heard it slamming shut behind him and was glad. The cold air stung as he breathed it in, making his eyes tear, but he didn’t care. But the weather outside only made his memories more pronounced. He had grown to hate the holidays so much that he was sure he would be buying an artificial tree. It just would be better if the thing wasn’t real. It fit his state of mind. He felt sure he was crazy, or that everything was just a dream and he’d wake up and Elise would be fine, but he knew in his heart that it was reality.

He paced. He tried to block out all of Kylie’s words – all the things she accepted as truth, and spoke to comfort him - but they came anyway, overwhelming him.

Rob had done nothing in his free moments except immerse himself in his girlfriend’s Bible, learning passages, making quiet calls to Kylie in the middle of the night and asking her if she really believed all that was in this book to be truth. Every time and unwaveringly, she told him she did, and she told him why.

Of all the passages that stuck out to Rob, one kept coming back to mind. He had reread it countless times after Kylie had pointed it out and read it aloud. The heading was Invitation to the Thirsty, and she had told him that she always thought of him when she read the words.

Now, no matter how many times he read the passage for himself Rob always heard Kylie’s sweet, accented voice. It was no different now, recalling it from memory.

"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live. I will make an everlasting covenant with you, my faithful love promised to David. See, I have made him a witness to the peoples, a leader and commander of the peoples. Surely you will summon nations you know not, and nations that do not know you will hasten to you, because of the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, for he has endowed you with splendor."

Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near. Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on him,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the LORD’s renown, for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed."

Rob wished he could just forget everything and not have to live with such overwhelming guilt, and at the same time he felt deserving of its weight on him. Elise was his sister, and he should have been more watchful. He should have paid more attention earlier on, and stopped it all from happening. He should have whisked her out of that house the minute he suspected trouble,

But that was the problem. He hadn’t even suspected it.

--

Elise watched from inside the kitchen door. Her breath fogged up the glass making Robby look like an illusion. After hedging inside for several minutes, Elise finally couldn’t wait anymore and went out to stand beside him.

Keeping her eyes straight ahead, Elise spoke quietly. “Did I ever tell you the dream I had?”

“No.” His tone was heavy, and she knew he was trying to mask his sadness.

“The one I had after you came back from they hay ride and you woke me up?” she prompted.

Rob shook his head, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“It wasn’t a bad dream. It was the first regular dream I had, since I came to live with you.” Elise spoke gently into the dark, as if sharing the secret with everyone and no one.

Rob shifted, interested now, but unable to show it.

“I dreamt that you were a super hero, and you swooped in and saved me from all the other crap that was going on. You even had a cape, and you were doing all those flips I was learning in gym,” she confided.

Rob turned and for the first time, looked her in the face. At her words, he felt the guilt being lifted, he kept staring at her, but she was lost in thought.

When she spoke again Rob felt all his blame dissipating completely:

“I felt so safe in your arms…”

--

Mikhail found himself amongst many hungry kids after Rob left. He felt strongly that everyone should be present if they were going to give thanks in this way, so he encouraged them to take a break. He stopped beside a bowl of chips.

“How you call this?” he picked up a Dorito, and waited for explanation.

“What do I call it? I call it mine,” Micah walked by and snatched it, crunching loudly.

Chris snagged Micah by the back of the shirt. “You oughta know better than takin’ food that ain’t yours,” he chastised jokingly, putting an arm around Micah’s neck in a headlock.

“Mikhail,” Gabe called, grinning. He held up another. “Dorito.”

Looking confused, Mikhail shook his head.

“It’s a chip,” Gabe clarified, laughing.

“Where our new friends? Kylie, would you like to find them for us?” Mikhail asked.

But, as it turned out, there was no need for a search party. Both Rob and Elise came in then, red-cheeked from the cold. They looked around at all the guys in the kitchen, and the silence that had suddenly fallen when they came in. But Micah quickly broke the awkward moment.

“To the living room!” he bellowed, Coke in hand, and everyone obediently followed after him.

--

Once they were settled, Alex took the uncomfortable silence that fell as an opportunity to get things rolling. “We could just do the ABC’s,” she offered. “I mean, if people aren’t ready to tell the whole room what we’re grateful for, we could just tell God.” She turned in the general direction where Rob, Elise and Jared were. “I don’t know if y’all are familiar with this, but it’s just a unique way to praise God. Like, if the letter is A, you could thank Him for accepting us, or something like that.” Alex left the explanation at that, not wanting to draw too much attention to the fact that some of them hadn’t been present for a lot of the time.

“So, what letter?” Kenzie asked.

“I think we can do any letter,” Alex decided. “Because if we don’t do that I was gonna pick X,” she teased.

“What do we thank Him for then, X-Men?” Jared wondered sarcastically.

Mikhail put his hands up to stop the laughter. “Okay, let’s bow our heads.”

Immediately, Alex’s voice was heard. It was hoarse and strained, but, she grinned, knowing it was working.

“God, I thank You for Your grace.”

“Lord, I thank You that You were human, and felt real emotions,” Belle prayed sincerely.

Andrew took a breath and began. “Father, I thank You for giving up Your life for us, even though we don’t deserve it.”

“Lord, thank You for uniting us,” Kylie prayed simply.

Then, Elise took a breath, feeling Kylie squeeze her hand. “Thank You for waiting.” Jared reached over and rubbed her back.

Rob sighed, figuring he ought to go next. “Thank You…for making the Bible so interesting.”

“Any request?” Mikhail asked quietly, wondering if anyone had anything they needed prayer for.

There was silence.

“Lord, thanks for letting us come together this way. Be here with us tonight.” Mikhail finished simply.

“So how are you doin’, Alex?” Jared asked, curiosity getting the better of him.

Alex stood up, feeling giddy. “Oh man, I can’t believe I haven’t told everybody! I got the results back the other day…I’m clean, there’s no cancer.”

She looked around. Everywhere, someone smiled back at her, genuinely happy. And out of the corner of her eye, Alex saw someone getting to her feet.

Elise stepped carefully around Jared, and stood in front of Alex, her arms open.

Laughing, Alex drew Elise to her, and held on. “You are such a sweetheart,” she whispered, hoping Elise knew as much.

“I’m just glad you’re okay,” Elise returned, squeezing Alex tighter.

Mikhail sat forward. “I have something I want for all of you to do,” he began. The idea had just come to him, but it wasn’t out of character for him to change plans or come up with them out of the blue.

Every face stared at him curiously, as he pulled a notebook from his collection of things, and started tearing pages from it. “I want for everyone to write me letter.”

“About what?” Belle asked, already intrigued.

“Whatever you want to tell. A little about yourself if you’re new person. Something God showed you or something you learn. I don’t care what you write. Just do this. I like mail,” he smiled widely.

The room was silent, as papers were filled with thoughts from each heart.

It wasn’t until hours later that Mikhail could sit down with the pile, and began to read, a Russian-English dictionary in one hand, and the first letter in the other:

--

Mikhail,

My name’s Rob. I’m 24. I live in the apartments with my sister Elise, and Kylie’s in my building. I went to church growing up, but haven’t gone much until now. Kylie asked if I wanted to start coming here. I didn’t like it much at first, since I thought all the people would be like Kylie and they weren’t, but it’s turned out okay. Things have been kind of rough for my family. I’m taking care of Elise, and dealing with a lot right now that I didn’t ever see for myself, or for my future. I blamed myself for a long time about things that have happened, from my dad’s death when I was a teenager, to my sister getting beat months back. I thought all those things were my fault. I still feel a sense of responsibility for Elise. She’s the only family I have aside from Kylie. But I guess I’m finally starting to come to terms with everything. Elise doesn’t blame me, so why am I blaming myself, you know? Anyway, I’m gonna stop. ‘Cause I’m pretty sure this is way more than you ever wanted to know…

Later,
Rob

--

Things I’ve Learned.

I’m worth more than I thought
God is there for me whenever I’m ready
That I can rise above everything that’s held me down.

Elise

--

Mikhail,

No matter what God tells you to do, follow through on it. No matter how crazy it sounds. If it’s “Go talk to that girl,” when you’re at the Laundromat waiting for your clothes to dry, and “See her as I see her.” Whether it’s living like a mother and a wife before I have the title. Whether it’s “Let people help you,” or “Teach them the Word.” You do what you have to do, if it’s what God says.

God’s got control of my life. That’s not just a saying, that’s my reality. I never thought that at this point in my life, I’d be where I am, both good and bad. But I know God’s got a purpose for what I’m going through, and regardless of if I can see it or not, I’m walking in it. I don’t care how many people look down on me, or how tired I get. This is the only life I got, and maybe, the only Jesus the people I come in contact with will see is the one living in me.

That girl with the bruises around her eyes… That boy who’s older than his years... These are God’s children, too. He’s called us to step up for them. Not just in the way of, I’m sorry that happened, but actually stepping up, starting a conversation, saying hello. That’s what’s important. Letting the lost know it’s all right, that someone cares for them. Someone cares for them as human beings. That’s what God’s asking of me, and that’s what I’m doing.

Kylie

--

Dear Mikhail,

Thank you for letting us go through the things we needed to in order to grow. It can’t have been easy, as the leader, to watch us pull each other down, and figure out how to be a group. It’s difficult to come face to face with things like one’s own selfishness, but it’s also necessary. If I hadn’t been confronted with my own behavior, I would have never realized what I was doing to the people I was around. In short, I guess, I learned to listen more, and speak less. A simple lesson, but one worth learning – even if it meant all this.

Missy

--

I’m learning that sometimes, people don’t embrace the fullness of life God has for them, and that there’s nothing I can really do about it…

In Christ,
Julia

--

“So, then, putting away falsehood, let all of us speak the truth to our neighbors, for we are members of one another. Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not make room for the devil. Thieves must give up stealing; rather let them labor and work honestly with their own hands, so as to have something to share with the needy. Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with which you were marked with a seal for the day of redemption. Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving of one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.” – Ephesians 4:25-32

Chris

--

Looking out for number one is a pretty lonely state of mind. If I make a promise, I should make it with the intent to keep my word. Because I’m not just breaking my word to that other person and to myself, I’m breaking a promise to God, in a way. Because if I care enough about someone to actually make a vow to do something, then it’s because God has led me to it.

So, I’m promising now, to be a keeper of my word.

Other than that I’m doing pretty well. I only hope my friends can realize that I never wanted to be that kind of man. God called me to a higher standard than that, and I intend to live up to it.

Sincerely,
Gabe

--

Mikhail,

I don’t really know what you want to know. You’ve known me forever. I’m more your peer than your student.

I’m struggling, but I know you can tell. I’m not living the life. Not because I don’t want to, but because if I’m gonna do something, I’m gonna do it all the way. I don’t want to be wasting time putting on a false front of holiness. I’d rather just be who I am. If I’m struggling then so be it. At least I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not. I guess I’m saying that I’m content. I’d rather be an honest man than a liar. This is where I am. Take it or leave it.

Micah

--

Mikhail (our faithful leader):

This is Alex, in case you couldn’t tell by the chicken-scratch writing. I hate it when people write a whole letter and you don’t know who’s saying it until the end and then you have to go back and reread the whole thing. Don’t you hate that?

Anyway. As you probably could tell from my big announcement thing the time before this, God has been showing me loads of things. Mainly, that belief isn’t just a state of mind, it’s a state of heart. Like, I’ve heard so many times that a belief is “something that you hold.” But it’s so much more than that.

Having Elise, and Jared and Rob here has really done something in me. Because I’ve seen our true colors through that time. There are so many times when our belief is just something that we hold, and not something that we live out. Three new people came in our group. That’s an awesome thing! And yet for the majority of us, we either didn’t notice, or it was an inconvenience.

I’ve also been taught a lot about myself. I’ve been taught never to take anything for granted – even something as small as my voice. Writing this letter takes me back to days when I was reduced to gestures and notes to let people know what I thought or what I needed. But God was faithful to me. He not only returned my voice, but my health. And I haven’t stopped thanking Him for it yet.

Alex

--

I’ve learned that to stand out, you don’t need a crazy costume, you just need yourself, and some guts to stand up.

Kenzie

--

Mikhail,

I had to ask somebody how to spell that – your name’s a trip, dude.

I pretty much let you know a lot about myself when I came. So, I’m not sure if there’s more I should be saying or not. I haven’t really been talking to God much. But I was kind of an ass before this thing came and knocked me on mine. I’m kind of starting to see that God didn’t do this to me, but He might have a thing or two to teach me through it.

You’ve got a great thing here. Hang onto it.

Thanks,
Jared

--

To Mikhail,

For a long time I didn’t think it was right to show anything other than a smile. But that’s changed. I know it seems like a small thing, but it’s much bigger than that. I never felt like I could show my true self. I hid my upset and my hurt for a long time, because I thought I’d be rejected.

Seeing Alex in the hospital was too much for me and I fell apart. But Andrew and Jared were there for me. They wouldn’t let me hide, and they made me show the truth of what I was feeling. It was really scary but it was what I needed honestly. Then, I talked to Missy, and she told me the story of Jesus and Lazarus and how it’s not wrong to cry over someone, because grief is another expression of love. I never knew that before.

So, really, I’ve learned to be okay with myself. The beauty within me isn’t found in my name or my smile, but in my willingness to show all of my emotions not just the happy ones. God taught me that.

Thanks for asking about us. It means a lot.

Love,
Belle

--

Mikhail,

Sometimes, it’s the little things God needs done that reap the biggest reward. The things we do without thinking about it. The good we do, but don’t talk about. Those are the things that God turns into greater good than we can imagine. I used to feel pretty useless being the kid in the back who did the funny voices. Until God revealed to me that I didn’t have to go on a mission trip, or feed hungry people to make a difference. I can make a difference just by using what He gave me. Whether it’s the spending money in my pocket or my impersonating skills. God has taken my little bit of spending money, and turned it into a meal… He’s taken my Dean Martin impression and turned it into a smile. Those things might be little to me, but they mean so much more to someone else, whose life has been dark for a while. If I can shine even a little bit of my light into that darkness, it’s not dark anymore, and that person’s not alone. That’s what this life is all about.

Andrew

Belief: Chapter 9

Grief teaches the steadiest minds to waver.
- Sophocles

Belle pushed past Andrew and ran blindly down a corridor. She finally saw an exit, and prayed it was the same door they came in, though it didn’t much matter at this point. She just needed to get out.

Colors ran together like rain on a painting. Belle heard the soft murmur of voices as she went past. The nauseating stench of the hospital was the worst. In her grief, she had hastily decided that she’d never smelled something more disgusting than the merging of coffee, antiseptic and rubbing alcohol, that seemed to waft everywhere, like a cloud of repugnance.

Her stomach churned and her head spun. She felt shaky, as she searched her coat pocket for her keys. Her hands met the glass of the door, and she was momentarily shocked at how cold the glass was. Behind her, Belle finally heard Andrew’s hurried footsteps closing in.

“Belle!” he called, trying to catch her.

But Jared was already in pursuit. He flew past Andrew and caught up to Belle in the parking lot, snagging her by a leather sleeve.

“Hey,” he spoke sharply, wanting her attention.

“Let go of me,” Belle’s voice was thick, sounding almost foreign to Andrew, who had known her more than half his life…

To Andrew, Belle would eternally be a child of six. That was the age he’d been when he and his family had walked into church the Sunday after they’d moved from New York. Belle had bounded up to him, and introduced herself, as Belle, like in Beauty and the Beast. She had taken his hand, and asked his name. What caught his attention most had been her directness; her childlike honesty.

He had questioned her unabashedly about why people were dancing in church, and she had described as only she could, that they were dancing because they loved Jesus. And she had guided him kindly over to the corner where the other children played, and took hold of a giant flag, which she asked him to help wave. Belle had explained briefly that this particular flag was the best to wave, because lots of people in that flag’s country didn’t know about God yet…

Jared held on. “What’s going on? Talk to me. What is this?” he asked, softening at her upset.

“It’s nothing,” she insisted, “Let go of me!” Tears burned, and Belle found herself terrified of letting them fall.

But the sight of Alex in the hospital room, all laid out in bed, and possibly without a voice was permanently etched in her mind. Anxiety rose in her chest, and she fought it down.

By now, Jared had her by the forearms, and she was pretty sure he wouldn’t let go any time soon. So she did the only thing she could think to do, and struggled for composure.

“I’m fine,” she told him, forcing a smile.

“Look, I may be new, but I’m not stupid. Tell me what’s up,” Jared insisted, still holding on.

Nothing.

“Is it the hospital? Freak you out a little bit?” he tried. If she wasn’t going to give him anything, he’d have to go digging.

Belle shook her head stubbornly, refusing to give in. “It’s not anything, I’m fine. Let go of me. Andrew and I are going,” she said decidedly, pulling away.

Like a rock, Jared’s grip didn’t waver. His eyes remained stoic, reflecting his determination. He could feel his muscles, tense against her struggle. She had a lot of strength for a girl of seventeen. But Jared knew he could outlast her, even in a wheelchair.

Belle closed her eyes, as absolute panic stole her. She had never let herself go this way. It was just better to be happy. To let people think nothing bothered you enough to cry, or get angry. But now Belle was afraid she might fail herself and do both of the things she loathed.

“Let go of me!” she screamed with such intensity that Andrew stepped back.

But Jared remained; his chair firmly braked, and his grip still firm. He saw the keys in her hand, and wasn’t about to let her go, thinking she could drive in a state like this. He just sat watching her, and waiting her out, knowing it was the best thing he could do for her.

Belle pulled, twisted and screamed. She didn’t notice the tears tracking down her cheeks. She just wanted to be released. She didn’t know how much longer she’d be forced to take on her pain this way. She felt shame, and just as quickly, rage bubbled over to take its place.

“Jared, let me go!” she screamed, her voice cracking with stress. “I just wanna leave! Please…” she begged, feeling her legs start to give.

The cold gravel bit into the flesh of her knees, and even then he didn’t let her go.

Suddenly, Belle felt arms around her, embracing her. Without looking, she knew it was Andrew. He was always there, even when she didn’t want him to be.

“No…” she choked, trying to pull away.

“It’s okay…” Andrew whispered, so only she could hear.

Gratefully, Belle leaned back into him, only pull away suddenly a second later, fear gripping her, at her display of weakness.

Jared’s mouth turned down in concern, watching her struggle. He caught Andrew’s eye over her head, and motioned to him, mouthing something.

Finally, Andrew understood.

“Get her off the ground.”

Tenderly, he knelt, helping her to her feet, and at Jared’s nod, turned her slightly, so she was on his lap.

Gently, Jared held her, while Andrew let her lean against him – let her tears soak his shirt.

Time passed, and eventually sounds died down. Tentatively, Jared stroked her hair. “How you doing?” he asked mildly.

Unbeknownst to him, her tears were still falling, as she rested her head against Andrew’s shoulder. “It’s okay,” he whispered again.

He felt her shake her head.

“Yes it is,” he said calmly. “It’s okay to show things.”

Taking that as permission, Belle finally let herself go, as her two pillars of strength wept silently on either side.

--

“So,” Belle began awkwardly, her voice raw from crying. “You think I’m a baby?”

Andrew shrugged. “I cried,” he offered, unashamed, “Do you think I’m a baby?”

“No,” she conceded, her pride still stung after Andrew had insisted on driving them home. Her fingers felt icy, and she looked down to see that her nail beds were blue. She tucked her hands in her pockets, and stared at the muted scenery that flew before her eyes.

“So why would I think less of you?” he asked quietly.

Belle shrugged noncommittally.

Andrew pulled off to the side and stopped, refusing to lose Belle behind the mask she had secured so well in the years they’d known each other. He tugged her hand easily out of her pocket and held it in his own.

“Come on, Belle. Talk to me, please?” he asked, though his tone was already defeated.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” she denied tonelessly, still staring out the window.

“Yes, there is,” he insisted, voice so intense that she turned. “Tell me what upset you.”

Belle toyed with a button on her jacket with her free hand. “It’s nothing… I just… I’d never been in a hospital before,” she explained, shrugging uncomfortably.

Andrew stopped short, the reply he wanted to give remaining stuck in his throat. “Never?”

“Nope.” Instinctively, Belle smiled. “But it’s not a big deal.”

“You’ve never seen a sick person.” Andrew deduced, his tone making it clear that it was a big deal. “And then you saw your friend sick.”

“Yeah,” she continued, “But I mean, it’s done now,” she waved him off, nodding at him to keep driving.

“No,” Andrew countered. “See? Why do you do that? Why do you pretend everything’s okay when it’s not?”

The answer came almost inaudibly. “Because I want it to be.”

“But that’s not real. Right now you’re really hurt over something, but you won’t let anyone help you. It’s not a bad thing to show pain.” Andrew continued, his voice rising with the conviction he felt.

“It is if you’re me,” she said simply.

“Could you at least look at me right now? What are you doing? What is this?” Andrew felt his temper rise, and tried to keep it in check.

She turned, looking him in the eyes, her face a mask again.

“Tell me why it’s not okay to show pain if it’s you,” Andrew encouraged, softer now. He took her hand again, and she squeezed involuntarily.

“It just makes everything worse…I don’t know. People stop liking you. If I ever stopped focusing on other people, and being happy, people forgot about me. They forgot I was even there. It’s the only way to keep people around,” she offered, helplessly. “To keep control, to keep positive, even if you’re dying inside.”

“That’s not true, though. Because you were sad just a little while ago. I was there; Jared was there. We didn’t leave you. I’m still here,” he offered.

Belle bit her lip, trying to keep her tears back. She hated crying.

Andrew noticed her fight for composure. “Just let go. It’s okay. Trust me,” he said quietly.

Hesitantly, Belle leaned toward him. For a moment, she held eye contact, before she averted her gaze again.

Wordlessly, Andrew turned, shifting, and opened his arms. His eyes were alight with compassion, yet reflected her pain in their depths. And just as gradually as their contact had come, Andrew began to sing - the words to Billy Joel’s Lullaby coming naturally to him in her time of need.

“Goodnight my angel, time to close your eyes, and save these questions for another day. I think I know what you've been asking me, I think you know what I've been trying to say. I promised I would never leave you. Then you should always know wherever you may go, no matter where you are, I never will be far away.”

And Belle remained there, captivated by such true acceptance, even in her weakness.

--

That evening, Belle couldn’t hold back, and called Missy. She knew her friend was an adult and was often busy with work and other obligations, but she had to talk to her. Belle had retreated to her car, which sat in the driveway, uncomfortable holding a conversation inside, if her mother was around. Not that her mother would go eavesdropping, but Belle just wasn’t comfortable, especially given the nature of what she had to say.

“Hello?” Missy’s voice answered. She sounded distracted, but Belle plunged ahead anyway.

“Hey, Melissa, it’s Belle,” she added unnecessarily. “Do you have a minute?”

“Yeah, I have a minute, what’s up?” Missy asked, hearing something uncharacteristic in Belle’s voice. She couldn’t quite tell what it was, though.

“Earlier… Well, I just saw Alex at the hospital…” Belle started, already feeling her throat constrict at the memory.

“You did? And how was that?” Missy inquired, setting the laundry she was folding aside, and leaning back on the couch to listen.

Belle fidgeted while she tried to get a hold of herself. “I guess…It was difficult. I totally lost it, Missy.” Belle felt an odd twinge at calling her mentor by her casual name.

“It’s just fine,” Missy assured, able, by now, to tell what Belle was thinking at moments like that. “So, it upset you, huh?” she probed gently.

“In front of Andrew and Jared. I never even made it in the room,” Belle admitted, her tone disgusted.

“Well, honey, Andrew and Jared can handle it,” she reassured, still not all that sure what Belle was upset about.

Belle shivered, and reached over to turn on her car and blast the heat. It was a little cold to be sitting outside in her car at night.

Sitting back, she paused. “I don’t do that, though,” Belle admitted quietly. “I don’t get upset.”

Missy sat forward, surprised. “How come?”

“I’ve lost friends,” Belle sniffed, trying to keep composure. “People lost interest in me if I focused on myself or got upset over something.”

“Honey, those people aren’t worth your time. That’s not how friendship is supposed to go.” She explained patiently, knowing Belle needed to hear it. “So, you’ve kept it together a pretty long time then,” Missy guessed.

“When I was a child, right after I met Andrew, we were in Children’s Church, and a friend of mine called me selfish. I was crying because I didn’t have both my parents. They were talking about families, and I felt sad that I just had myself and my mother to draw. The other little girl, she was a little older than I was and she said that I shouldn’t be such a selfish girl, because there were some kids who didn’t have any parents at all. She wasn’t my friend after that,” Belle trailed off.

“And then when I was a little older, and I’d get distracted by something I was going through…on a mission trip or something…people would just get nasty to me. Like they expected me to be perfect all the time. So that’s what I tried to be.” She expelled a breath.

“Grieving over your parents’ separation isn’t selfish. I did the same thing. I just wish I’d have known you then so I could’ve told you that. And I hate to burst your bubble, but nobody can be perfect.” Missy smiled gently and hoped Belle could get the spirit behind the statement.

“I was just afraid though…” Belle sighed. “I was so afraid to be vulnerable like that. I don’t know why I hung on to what that little girl said to me for so long, but the last thing I wanted to be was selfish. And I broke down today anyway, when it wasn’t even about me.”

“What did Andrew and Jared do?” Missy asked.

“What?” Belle was surprised.

“Tell me what Andrew and Jared did when you got upset.” Missy prompted.

“They wouldn’t let me run… Jared kept me there, even though I fought him. When I couldn’t be strong anymore, they just held me…Andrew said they cried, too.” Belle explained, feeling shocked again, that they had actually been there for her in that way.

“Belle, that’s the way God intended it. He knows there’s times we’re gonna hurt. But that’s why He puts other people in our lives to help us through. Andrew and Jared, those are the kind of friends you wanna keep. I know you haven’t known Jared that long, so then trust Andrew. Listen to him. He’s known you more than half your life. That young man loves you like a sister. I know it was scary for you, but I think it was a good thing. What do you think?”

“I still sort of feel shame about it,” Belle said quietly.

“Do you know John 11:35?” Missy quizzed.

“Jesus wept.” Belle recited easily.

“Jesus wept.” Missy emphasized each word. “Even our Lord cried. Lazarus died and it says that seeing everybody so upset like that, Jesus was deeply moved in His spirit and troubled. When the sisters took Him to where Lazarus was, Jesus wept, and then the Jews said ‘See how He loved him!’ Grief is a deep expression of love. If we don’t love someone, we won’t care if they leave us. But you loved your daddy. That love didn’t go away on the day he left. You felt that loss, and that’s a normal reaction, trust me. Some view divorce sort of like a death, especially to a child.”

“I didn’t know that.” Belle answered, still internalizing all she had heard.

Missy was quiet, knowing that Belle often needed some time to come to grips with a new truth she was taught.

“So, it wasn’t really selfishness that had me crying today. It was love.”

Missy smiled, relieved that it was finally ringing true. “It was love,” she echoed.

--

Elise was progressing in rehab, so much so that even she was beginning to notice the change. It was almost second nature now for her to wait out the moments when speech eluded her, and she was starting to ask questions when she needed clarification on something rather than stand silently by.

Her work ethic was impressive, and she buckled down immediately when dropped off at the hospitals rehab wing. Today she had navigated speech therapy without much of a problem, and even though she was distracted, Elise managed to stay clear headed and focused on what she had to do.

Weeks before, her therapists had begun taking around the hospital to predetermined locations, in an effort to orient her and help her get her bearings and ask for help when she needed direction, or to know the next step she should pursue. Today, Elise had an idea of her own.

She knew that Alex was in the same hospital, recuperating from surgery. She also knew that Alex had been scared beforehand, and probably didn’t have many visitors. Elise spent her small break in activity trying to put together the right sentence to convey what she wanted to do. Spontaneous initiation of conversation had proved itself to be nearly as difficult as direct questions were to answer.

But when it came time to venture outside the stark white walls of the rehab room, Elise found she was more ready than she anticipated.

“Actually…” she started, surprised that her voice was working. “Could we go see my friend? She had surgery a couple days ago, and she’s still here. Could…um,” momentarily, anxiety caused her to freeze, but her own determination to see Alex overruled her emotion. “Could you go with me to do that instead?”

Her therapist, Carrie, was more than a little impressed at Elise’s forthrightness. “Are you sure? There will be a lot to think about – a lot of stress – are you sure you don’t want to go find the vending machines instead?” she joked, already knowing what the answer would be.

Elise nodded emphatically. “Yes. So can we go?” she shifted impatiently.

“You got it,” Carrie affirmed.

--

“First, we have to find the elevators,” Carrie prompted, making sure she was close by, in case Elise’s balance left her, as it still occasionally did.

Furrowing her brow, Elise contemplated her strategy but found herself hopelessly disoriented in the maze of hallways – she still could rarely find her way to and from the door she came in with Rob or Kylie without help.

Elise shrugged at Carrie, with no clue about what to do next.

“Tell me,” Carrie encouraged, wanting her charge to remember she could ask for help, wanting her to feel empowered.

“I can’t find it,” she whispered, feeling tears come to her eyes involuntarily.

Maintaining her professional calm, Carrie instructed her. “Okay, what can you do if you can’t find something,” she asked rhetorically, ignoring Elise’s tears, and knowing they weren’t reactionary. “Look around you. Do you see elevator doors anywhere? Or a sign that might help you out?”

Elise wiped her eyes and squinted, concentrating. After a few moments, she got her bearings and noticed the elevator just a few feet in front of her.

She smiled slightly, pleased with herself, and strode toward it with confidence.

Once they were inside, though, Elise grew concerned at the massive panel of numbers on one wall of the small enclosure.

“Okay, we need to go to the second floor,” Carrie explained, letting Elise make the connection to what she needed to do on her own.

Luckily, they were the only two in that particular elevator, so there wasn’t the added stress of having people behind her, all in a hurry to get where they were going.

Elise stared intently, wondering again, what in the world she was expected to do. But the thought of Alex up in recovery spurred her on, and gave her new resolve to figure out what she was supposed to do.

“I don’t get this either,” she admitted, laughing nervously.

“Look for the number two.” Carrie stood by patiently, knowing that this was probably an unfair task to give Elise. Of all the abilities she had lost, her ability to understand math, and like concepts had flagged considerably.

But Elise was hard at work, staring intently at the numbers. “There’s lots of twos…” she trailed off, thinking this was some kind of trick.

“Right,” Carrie agreed, “But look for the number that only has a two.”

Minutes later, Elise finally found it and pointed it out, her eyebrows raised expectantly, “Right?” she asked.

Carrie beamed. She couldn’t help herself. “You got it. That’s awesome! Okay, press the button, so we can head up.”

The button was pressed and the enclosed box suddenly whirred to life. Elise gripped the railing, closing her eyes and hoping it wouldn’t take long.

Thankfully, a bit later, the doors slid open, but Elise found her balance was completely gone after riding in the elevator, and she walked clumsily now, grasping Carrie’s arm for support.

“Hey, Carrie, nice to see you,” the woman behind the desk greeted warmly.

“Hi, Char. This is Elise,” Carrie introduced, prodding the girl ahead of her gently.

“Um…I’m looking for Alex…I’m not sure of her last name.” Elise hedged. “I think it’s Alexandra, actually – her first name - and she had something done to her throat.”

“—It’s Craig,” a new voice interrupted.

Elise turned unsteadily to see Kenzie standing there, looking washed out in the fluorescent lighting at the main desk.

Char began typing the information in, and Kenzie stepped up with a terse, “Don’t bother.” She turned to Elise. “I haven’t been there, but I know where she is. I can take you,” she offered.

“I’ll send Rob to pick you up here then,” Carrie said, letting Elise have this opportunity to visit undisturbed, knowing any social setting had purpose for Elise.

“They put her in the pediatric wing now,” Kenzie explained, keeping a pace that was hard for Elise to maintain. “Since there’s not enough beds in the adult section or something,” Kenzie sounded like she could care less.

Elise was glad Carrie was nowhere to be found now, since from the time Kenzie had intercepted them Elise had been virtually mute. She didn’t know why, but Kenzie’s presence always made Elise a little uneasy.

“It’s right here,” Kenzie pointed to the right. “I’ll leave a note with the desk, so your brother knows where you are, in case you’re not done. Oh…and tell her I said hi. I just can’t bring myself to go in there,” Kenzie said, before disappearing down the hall.

--

Elise came in quietly, feeling an odd sense of familiarity course through her at the sight of the hospital room. Though it was definitely brighter and friendlier than hers had been.

She approached Alex’s bedside, and took her hand. In the bed, Alex stirred and came awake, her eyes widening at the sight of Elise. She smiled, and opened her arms.

Bending in, Elise obliged, taking Alex in her embrace, careful not to disturb the bandage on the side of her neck.

Elise petted her friend’s hair. “Kenzie says hi,” she said, her voice hushed.

Alex’s eyebrows raised in question. “Where is she?” she mouthed, not even trying to make her voice work – she’d learned all too quickly that it wasn’t a good idea to try and talk this soon after her operation.

Shrugging apologetically, Elise squeezed her hand. “I don’t know. Are you okay?” she asked, observing Alex’s face. She looked different – not happy.

Alex shook her head, feeling tears well up in her eyes, and fighting them back. The last thing she wanted was to cry in front of Elise. Though a lot remained unmentioned between them, Alex knew that Elise had been through something major, and she better not make this minor operation look like the worst thing ever.

But Elise was more perceptive than Alex gave her credit for, and immediately the younger was at her side. “This is really scary,” she spoke in a gentle, knowing tone. She glanced down and saw some gray fur peeking out of the covers. Elise pulled it out, and found herself staring into the adorable eyes of a soft little bear.

“What’s he doing under here?” Elise asked, more relaxed than she ever remembered being. “He should be right here,” she moved the stuffed animal to the crook of Alex’s arm.

She smiled, feeling a tear track down her cheeks in spite of all her efforts.

“I’ll stay as long as I can, okay?” Elise soothed, sitting down on the edge of the bed, grateful to be off her feet.

Alex nodded uncomfortably.

“Are you hurting?” Elise asked, saddened by the thought, hating to see other people in pain because she knew how awful it could be to endure.

Alex held two fingers slightly apart, as if to signify “A little,” and shrugged off the concern. Her eyes lit up a second later, when her bedside drawer caught her attention. She managed to snag the handle and pull it open, taking out a decorative scarf and draping it around Elise’s neck.

“Oh, that’s awesome!” Elise gushed. She spun around awkwardly, feeling dizzy, and grabbing the bed to steady herself.

Alex grinned, and motioned to her own neck, illustrating what the scarf was actually for.

“It’s for your scar?” Elise asked.

A nod.

“I have a pretty big one too,” she confided, leaning in to show Alex. “Luckily, they left enough of my hair to cover it up, but I haven’t been able to wear a ponytail for a while.” Elise flipped the hair from the right side of her head to the other, and revealed the short hair underneath that was just starting to grow back.

“My scar’s in there somewhere,” Elise motioned to her hair.

Alex leaned forward to peer in, gently parting the short hair in search of the scar.

When she found it, Elise could hear her gasp.

“It doesn’t hurt,” Elise assured. “Except if I sleep on it or something, but usually it doesn’t.”

Alex spread her finger and thumb, again, and put them close to her neck, trying to show how long her own scar was.

“Okay,” Elise acknowledged.

Alex reached over and swiped the notepad off her side table. She wrote hurriedly, and showed the message to Elise. It read: “You’re talkative,” with a smile at the end.

“Sorry,” Elise apologized instinctively, ducking her head.

Alex grabbed the notepad and jabbed at the smiley face. She grabbed Elise’s hand and squeezed.

“You’re fine,” she mouthed, enunciating to make her words clear. She pulled Elise in close so she was almost on top of Alex.

“Um…” Elise hedged, smiling. “I think I might get in trouble if someone finds me like this.”

Alex waved her off, and pulled her closer, planting a kiss on her cheek.

It wasn’t long after that that Rob came in, knocking quietly before he opened the door. By then, Alex had grown tired, and was nearly asleep, but Elise made sure she was comfortable, securing the bear nearby, and tucking the covers around her.

On her way out the door, Elise opened the CD player that was on the side table. She saw the song titles displayed on the CD and quickly fast forwarded through several songs until she found one that had such a gentle melody, Elise knew it was the perfect one to leave on. She pressed the repeat, and quietly left, hearing the lyrics even after the door closed behind them.

“Spend all your time waiting for that second chance, for a break that would make it okay. There's always one reason to feel not good enough, and it's hard at the end of the day. I need some distraction, oh, beautiful release. Memory seeps from my veins. Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight.

“In the arms of an angel. Fly away from here, from this dark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear. You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie. You're in the arms of the angel. May you find some comfort there.

“So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back and the storm keeps on twisting. You keep on building the lie that you make up for all that you lack. It don't make no difference escaping one last time. It's easier to believe in this sweet madness, oh, this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees…

“In the arms of an angel. Fly away from here, from this dark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear. You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie. You're in the arms of the angel. May you find some comfort there. You're in the arms of the angel. May you find some comfort here.”

--

With time, Alex’s voice improved, and came back. Though her parents took it in stride, Alex spent a considerable chunk of time in awe, and just thanking God for returning something so precious to her.

And later, she found out something even better. She was healthy. There was no cancer. Alex was so elated she didn’t even have time to regret all the pain she had endured.

Strangely, she didn’t think twice before calling Gabe with the news.

He picked up, and immediately felt sure he would have had his hearing permanently damaged, had Alex’s voice been at full strength then.

“Gabe!” Alex exclaimed, her voice still not sounding completely like her own. “I’m good! There’s nothing wrong! My results of the thing are back and there’s nothing bad!”

“Awesome,” he breathed, shocked that she had called him. “I’m so happy for you,” he said honestly.

“I know, isn’t it great?” She did a little dance. “I’m so excited! Aren’t you excited?”

“Totally,” Gabe agreed, allowing himself to grin.

“I gotta go, I gotta call more people,” Alex said hurriedly.

“Okay, talk to you later,” he agreed.

Just as out of place as her first phone call seemed, Alex found herself making a second just as unexpected one. She called Kylie.

Hers was a number always stored but seldom used, and Alex wasn’t sure why. Likewise, she wasn’t sure why, of all her friends, she would feel led to call Kylie with this news. But Alex followed through, knowing there must be some reason for it.

--

“Hey, Kylie?”

“This is Kylie,” she returned, not recognizing the voice. She glanced down and saw Alex’s name on the caller ID. “Oh, is this Alexandra?” Kylie wondered, thrilled at hearing from her.

“Yes,” Alex answered, feeling her throat close with tears. She forced herself to be heard though it was twice as hard now. “I’m healthy.”

“Oh baby, that’s wonderful. I wish you were right here, so I could give you a big hug. I’ve been prayin’ for you.”

“I know,” Alex nodded.

“So, how are you?” Kylie pressed.

“How are you?” Alex countered, feeling the need to find out.

“Just fine,” Kylie said quickly, but Alex heard reservation in her friend’s voice.

Alex dug further. “You sure about that?”

“A little weary maybe, but that’s to be expected,” Kylie admitted quietly.

Alex heard her mother then, urging her off the phone to rest.

“If you wanna talk, I can listen,” Alex offered. “My mom wants me off the phone to rest my voice but if I’m listening to someone, she can’t get mad,” she reasoned.

“You better hush, before I decide to be comin’ for ya. Little Miss Elise gets the full benefit of my motherly side, and you’re about to if you don’t mind your mama.”

Obediently, Alex quieted.

Kylie sat for a moment, trying to keep her emotions at bay. She had been so dedicated to Rob and to Elise over the past months, and the only thing she ever heard were thoughtless comments. She wasn’t a mother or a wife, so why was she living like she already made a commitment? Why, of all the men she could have, did she love the non-Christian with such baggage and a bad past?

Alex just waited, respecting the silence, and obeying her mother, knowing somehow that Kylie’s maternal instincts were probably more fierce than her own mother’s,

“I don’t wanna gossip about nobody,” Kylie hedged. “An’ I know that’s not what you were expectin’ but it’s hard to say what’s goin’ on without sayin’ how hurt I am.”

Kylie knew that on the other end of the phone, Alex was listening, and continued.

“I know you hear it just like I do. Robby hears it. Elise hears it. We all hear it. That in one way or another, us, together, as a family…that shouldn’t work. It’s bein’ implied that I’m lowering my standards as a Godly woman, and I’m not. I know inside, that I got nothin’ to prove to them, but it hurts so bad that they think that way. I wouldn’t care, you know, if it were just some person on the street. But, Alex, these are my friends. We’re supposed to take care of each other, not tear each other down…”

“Aside from you and Belle and Andrew and myself, there’s been hardly anyone to approach Robby or Elise, or even me and ask us how we are. Robby told me the other day that he just had enough and let a couple of ‘em have it because of how we’re all bein’ treated. I couldn’t really believe he did it, since he’s so mild-mannered and all, but I was kinda glad. Not that it’s made much difference. I still feel like no matter what I do I’ll be looked down on.”

Alex couldn’t hold back, and abandoned her promise to stay silent. “I love you, Kylie. I really do. I admire your commitment, and I think anyone who can’t see God’s hand in what you’re doing ought to take a closer look. How many of us would dare take on what you have? How many of us would let ourselves get to know a family in such obvious pain, when we have our own pain to deal with every day? I don’t think that very many of us would. You just keep doing what you’re doing. Believe me that you’re an awesome woman of God. More of us should be like you.”

Kylie blinked, trying to keep her tears back, even now. It was so typical that just on the heels of being told to keep quiet she would come out with something so sweet.

“You ain’t supposed to talk,” Kylie quipped, trying to keep composure. “But thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Alex said, softly, before hanging up.

--

It was a Saturday, when Andrew and Belle decided to descend on Rob and Elise’s place again. Andrew hand called Belle earlier in the day, because he was bored, and had nothing to entertain himself.

So, Belle suggested he come to her house to watch a movie. Once both of them were there, however, they felt Elise’s absence keenly.

Andrew looked at Belle expectantly, and she smiled.

“I’ll call her.”

So they had driven downtown, and Belle was eternally grateful that Kylie wasn’t around to get after her a second time, since she had a feeling it didn’t matter to her whether or not Andrew came. Belle had figured out early on that probably the only person Kylie saw fit to come with her to this part of town was Mikhail, who was twenty-eight, large and Russian.

But Kylie hadn’t seemed to mind, and happily invited them in, and then proceeded to let them take Elise to Belle’s to enjoy Finding Nemo, since neither she nor Rob had a VCR or DVD player.

Once they were all back, Belle went on snack patrol, raiding the refrigerator and cabinets for food, and their garage for pop. Andrew lounged on the couch near Elise, both of them shouting absurd requests to Belle, who just laughed, and insisted that if they were gonna be like that they could get their own stuff.

When Belle finally did appear in the living room, her arms full of Cokes and a big bowl, Andrew was confused.

“I didn’t think popcorn was little and orange,” Andrew said witheringly, holding a cracker up.

“We need Goldfish! It’s a fish movie,” Belle insisted, taking a seat on the other side of Elise.

But once they settled down, and Belle played the movie, all three of them - even Elise - were lost in the story of Marlin and Nemo. Elise was enraptured, sure she hadn’t seen a children’s movie for some years by now. It was refreshing to be able to sit surrounded by friends and enjoy something so simple.

“’Ello! My name’s Bruce!” Andrew quoted along with the large computer-animated shark on screen.

“Hello, Bruce,” Belle returned like an obedient chorus of sharks and fishes.

Elise looked at them both in turn. “Remind me never to go to the theater with you guys,” she muttered, smiling.

“Oh, there’s Dory!” Belle exclaimed. “Pick me! Woo!” she recited happily.

By the end of the movie, Elise had tears tracking down her cheeks from laughing so hard. Her friends were ridiculously hilarious.

Andrew propped his feet up on the coffee table, but one look from Belle and they were on the floor again.

“So, what are we doing now?” he asked.

“Well,” Belle began, making it clear that she wasn’t out of ideas yet. “I need to make this great pie for Thanksgiving, but I don’t have any stuff. Y’all wanna come with me to the store?”

Andrew was off the couch in right away. But Elise remained seated, never excited about the prospect of something new or unexpected.

Seeing her hesitance, Belle sat down again. “Don’t you wanna come shopping? It’ll be fun.”

“It might be fun if just you two went,” Elise offered.

“No way, you should come too,” Andrew insisted. “Plus, by the time we’re done, I’ll have enough stuff that we don’t need to have hot chocolate and cider, and, while she’s making pie, you and I can make s’mores in the microwave. You don’t wanna miss out on that,” he nodded feeling sure she wouldn’t.

“Okay, I’ll come,” Elise finally caved, not feeling as if she had much choice.

--

Oddly, shopping with Andrew and Belle wasn’t as bad as Elise had thought. Her only recent and previous experience in a store had been the fake ones in therapy where she had to learn to tell where things were, and how to pay for things again. It hadn’t been enjoyable. But this was turning out differently.

As much as Elise had expected to be overwhelmed by the fluorescent lights and bustle of the grocery store, she found she didn’t mind it. For her friends, shopping was a fun thing, and Elise was pleasantly surprised when she found herself enjoying it, too.

“Come on,” Andrew whispered, ducking around the end of the baking aisle where Belle was busily finding a graham cracker crust. “We need to find stuff for s’mores. Oh crap!” he exclaimed. “We need graham crackers.”

Elise laughed, and stole back around the corner with him. Andrew crept stealthily down the aisle and swiped a box of graham crackers off the shelf. Belle looked at him oddly, and he took off running, urging Elise with him.

“Okay, we need marshmallows and chocolate.” Andrew said breathlessly.

They went scampering around the store like children, finding their desired items, and then waited on a bench at the front of the store for Belle to appear with her pie ingredients.

“Y’all ready?” Belle asked, smiling. She could see from their flushed faces that her friends had obviously enjoyed themselves.

Once in the car again, Elise dug in the bag. “Here,” she held out a package of Skittles, “That was our impulse purchase…and we used it on you, aren’t you proud?”

“Oh, you’re so nice,” Belle giggled. “So does this mean I’m not allowed to eat y’all’s s’mores?”

Elise shook her head. “No, you can have some. I’ll make Andrew share.”

From the back seat, Andrew laughed, pleased that Elise had enjoyed herself.

--

When they got home, Andrew and Elise took over the microwave, while Belle put together her pie. She kept the music off, remembering Elise’s hard time with background noise, and contented herself with humming.

Andrew assembled the s’mores and stuck them in the microwave. Elise watched everything melt together.

“All right, ladies, what do you want? Hot chocolate or cider?” he asked, holding out the Swiss Miss packages invitingly.

“You know we gotta go with hot chocolate. We can’t have s’mores and cider, it doesn’t go together.” Belle said over her shoulder.

Elise nodded in agreement, and they soon were all enjoying their creations. All except Belle’s pie, which she had to refrigerate, partly because it needed to set and partly because Andrew couldn’t keep his fingers out of it.

--

That night, after pie was made, and their s’mores were consumed, Belle and Andrew decided to drive over to the church. It was one of their favorite things to do, especially when no one was around. There was something different about going to church outside of obligation, just themselves and God.

Belle had gotten the idea from Alex, when she had caught her in the sanctuary alone, long after youth group was over a couple years back. She had just been sitting there, praying. And Belle hadn’t interrupted. She just stepped in, got her Bible, which she had forgotten on a pew, and left. Alex never even knew anyone had been there.

Belle had been a little concerned that Elise might be uncomfortable, but over the course of the day she really seemed to have found her place with them, and Belle was glad.

The first thing that struck Elise was just how quiet everything was. The couple times she’d been to church before, everything had been hectic and loud. Now it was just quiet, almost secret. She hadn’t even known people were allowed to come into church like this, when no one was around. But Andrew and Belle had both assured her that it was fine. That this was the way God intended church to be – for you to come when you needed to, or whenever you wanted to feel closer to Him. Of course, they reasoned, you didn’t have to go in a building to feel close to God, but there was just something about it. And Elise had to agree.

Elise felt a strange sense of freedom just now. Andrew had taken over the piano at the front and Belle had knelt off to the side to pray. She knew nothing was really expected of her. Walking along the outside of the pews, Elise finally sat on a low windowsill, curling into it. It was small enough to make her feel inconspicuous but large enough so she didn’t feel cramped.

From her place in the corner, Elise saw Belle take up a microphone and start to sing.

“Why should I feel discouraged, and why should the shadows come? And why should my heart feel so lonely and long for heaven and home when Jesus is my portion. My constant friend is He. His eyes in on the sparrow, and I know he watches me.

“I sing because I'm happy. I sing because I'm free. His eye in on the sparrow and I know He watches, and I know He watches, I know He watches me…”

Instantly, Elise felt her dad’s arm around her, and smelled the aroma of buttered popcorn. She had almost forgotten… One of the last memories she had with him, and she’d almost forgotten it.

--

As they did most every Friday night, their family had gone to the local video rental store. They hadn’t lived near a Blockbuster, so they made due, as they always had, with the Mr. Movies on the corner. That Friday was Elise’s turn to pick, and she was thrilled. She had asked her dad to take her to where the music movies were, and not the kids ones, either. Elise was convinced that at six, she was much too mature for children’s movies. She had a mission this time. She had heard about a movie that was out now. Her best friend had told her about it, and Elise was determined that this was the movie she was going to rent.

She remembered studying all the boxes carefully for nuns and Whoopi Goldberg.

“Elise, is this the one?” her dad had asked, smiling.

Quickly, Elise had looked for the number 2, signifying a sequel, and jumped up and down.

“Robby, I got it! You pick the snack okay?”

In her excitement, Elise had remembered she had very nearly run up to the register with the empty for-show box, and left the actual video on the shelf. But her daddy was there, right behind her, assuring her that he had it.

The four of them had sat in the living room, with all the lights out. Elise was captivated by the movie. At that age, she had only one desired career. She wanted to be a singer.

And then she’d heard it. The two girls in church singing the song about the sparrow.

She was convinced that it was the most beautiful song she’d ever heard, and rewound the movie constantly for the entire two days they had it to rent, and learned every word.

That Monday, Robby told her something bad happened to Daddy’s heart. And that the only way to see him now, was in her dreams…

--

Elise’s eyes burned, and she tried to calm down. Her chest felt heavy, but she couldn’t stop herself from mouthing the words to the song with Belle, who was still singing.

“I sing because I'm happy. I sing because I'm free. His eye in on the sparrow and I know He watches, and I know He watches, I know He watches me…”

Still folded in the windowsill seat, she leaned her head against the glass, staring out into the blackness. It had taken her so long to comprehend death. She remembered how suddenly all her Barbie’s kids weren’t aspiring superstars anymore. Now their dad’s went to work, and never came home.

She remembered sitting down at the supper table not long afterward to macaroni and cheese and hot dogs, since that’s all Robby could make, and their mom was too sad to cook anymore. She had pretended to have a heart attack right there, falling down dramatically and insisting that she couldn’t eat supper, because she had the same thing as Daddy.

Robby had just stared. And from the next room, their mom had rushed in, and she had struck.

Elise never forgot that spanking, and never fully understood it. Not until now, with a decade of hindsight could she see things from her mother’s point of view.

She never heard the music stop, but all of a sudden, Andrew was there by her side.

“Are you all right?” he asked gently.

“I miss my dad,” she admitted brokenly.

Andrew’s brow wrinkled in confusion. He had never heard mention of her father, but that didn’t stop him from attempting to comfort her. Moving a little closer, Andrew put an arm around her shoulders.

“He had a heart attack at work when I was six,” she explained, breathing deeply. “Right after the funeral, I faked one at the dinner table,” she smiled weakly.

“Wow,” Andrew murmured.

“Yeah. I hadn’t heard that song in a long time, and it made me think of him. You know Sister Act 2?” she wondered.

He nodded, smiling. “When it came out, Belle had to have it. We watched it at her house about six times in a day. She just kept playing it over and over.”

“So did I,” Elise confided.

A few minutes later, Belle joined them, realizing that Andrew wasn’t backing her on piano anymore. She sat nearby quietly, not wanting to interrupt the conversation.

Scooting over so she was right next to Belle, Elise rested her head on Belle’s shoulder.

“Hey, you,” Belle said, her tone all affection. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Elise sighed.

“Wanna head home?” Belle guessed.

Elise nodded, and the three of them stood to go.

Andrew paused at the doorway, saying a brief prayer of thanks to God for the day they’d had. He was never so grateful to have friends like Elise and Belle to spend time with. Elise’s presence added so much to the friendship he and Belle already shared. He couldn’t imagine a better day if he had planned it out. That was Andrew’s favorite kind of day, and there was something about Elise that made him appreciate small things a whole lot more.

Glancing up at the front, Andrew let himself take in the large wooden cross that adorned the wall. He felt, as he always did, a strong sense of grief and gratitude with the fresh realization that he was loved so much.

Tears filled his eyes, and he let them fall, unashamed.

Belief: Chapter 8

My passions were all gathered together like fingers that made a fist. Drive is considered aggression today; I knew it then as purpose.
- Bette Davis

Alex sat restlessly in the hospital bed. She had asked her parents not to be there, and didn’t know yet if she would later regret the decision. Instead she prayed for God to be there with her, so she didn’t feel so afraid. She asked Him to let her friends call, at the number she had distributed earlier that morning.

Her stomach growled, and Alex grimaced. She hated being hungry almost more than the surgery that loomed in a few hours. Her parents had made sure she was settled, and were planning on staying in the waiting room until the operation was finished. Alex was fine with that, so long as they didn’t decide to visit.

She didn’t know why she felt it so necessary to not have her parents there. She knew they wanted to be there, and comfort her, but she wouldn’t tolerate it. Alex had grown so frustrated, it had almost manifested to anger.

There was a possibility of losing her voice, and that caused such a deep indignation to stir up in her, that Alex became determined to seek God continually. He had a plan for her life, and she felt sure she knew it. Never once did Alex see the plan playing itself out leaving her voiceless. She’d been praying Psalms repeatedly since she’d gotten to the hospital and in the car on the way there. Psalm 23, Psalm 27, Psalm 91 – all of them assuring her that no harm would come to her. If she had been a superstitious person, there would have been rabbits feet, four leaf clovers and any other good luck charm she could think of.

Finally giving up on the thought that anyone would think to call her before they went to school, Alex slid her headphones on, and lost herself in her first love – music.

But the phone did ring. Luckily, Alex had the volume turned down sufficiently instead of blasting it like she’d wanted to.

Alex cleared her throat. “Hello?” she asked.

“Hey, you’re still there,” returned Chris, sounding relieved.

“I go back in a little bit,” she confided.

Chris waited, and finally managed the courage to ask what he wanted to know, “So what are you having surgery on?”

“Oh, you don’t know?” she asked, surprised.

“Nope.”

“I have a node thing on my thyroid, and they can’t tell if it needs to be taken off or not, so they’re taking it off anyway, just to be safe.” She sighed, “But it could really mess up my voice.”

“Really.” Chris stated, sounding almost comical in his concern for her.

“Yeah. It pisses me off…” she spat angrily. “This stupid thing is not gonna take my voice!” she insisted. Alex felt herself falling apart, and tried to fight it. “It can’t… Singing’s all I ever wanted to do…and I know God wants me to do it.”

Chris spoke quietly, “Then don’t worry about it. You know God’s not gonna bring you into anything He can’t bring you out of.”

“Okay, I need to go.” Alex hung up before Chris could say anything more.

--

Alex squeezed her eyes shut against the fluorescent lights above her head, wishing she could have had some kind of sedative before this point. She was so antsy. The nurses and anesthesiologist carried on bright conversations, trying to distract her, but only one thing remained in Alex’s mind, as it had all morning – quoting the Psalms. So she continued reciting excerpts and praying that God would, as Chris had promised, bring her through…and bring her through with a voice.

In the operating room, her recitation grew rushed as she saw them prepare to put her under. Hurriedly, she got in the last bit of scripture that came to her mind, whispering it fervently.

“Listen, God, I'm calling at the top of my lungs: "Be good to me! Answer me!" When my heart whispered, "Seek God," my whole being replied, "I'm seeking Him!"

Then, everything went black.

--

Alex opened her eyes feeling like no time had passed since she had been anesthetized. But immediately, she felt pain in her neck, and tears sprung to her eyes. Instinctively, she brought her hand up, to try and draw some attention to the fact that she hurt, knowing already, that she shouldn’t try to speak.

For the next several minutes she wasn’t aware of very much except that she was moving into another room. She felt absolutely drugged, and amazingly, it seemed to have no affect at all on the incredible pain in her neck.

Within minutes, she was asleep, hoping secretly that her parents would come in.

--

That night, Rob walked warily into Micah’s. He knew he could have very well made half a dozen enemies, and wasn’t looking forward to coming. Kylie, on the other hand, expected it, and Elise had started to really like coming, enjoying the time she got to spend with Belle, Andrew, and Alex, when she was there.

This week, she wasn’t. It was a well known, if little discussed fact that today was Alex’s surgery. The majority of them had woken up with messages on their cell phones from a bored Alex, at an unspeakably early hour. Rob remembered that Kylie had mentioned trying to call the number back, but getting no answer.

As it turned out, Rob shouldn’t have worried. Group was as it had been every time. He was barely acknowledged outside of Kylie or Elise.

He did notice they were short a few people. Chris, Julia, Kenzie and Jared hadn’t shown. Rob listened as they all speculated about where the missing could be and if any of them had called to say they couldn’t make it. There were questions about whether or not any of them had been to see Alex. None had, and Rob doubted any of those not present were visiting either.

--

But someone had ventured to visit Alex. Jared sat, not speaking, near Alex’s bedside. She hadn’t been awake yet, but that was okay, Jared was having a harder time with this than he had expected.

He had come for one reason and one reason only, it wasn’t out of loyalty or obligation – it was simply because he wasn’t afraid of what he would see.

Most people had a fear of the unknown, and a fear of hospitals. To others, hospitals housed the sick and injured – but to Jared, they were like a second home. What he hadn’t counted on was his wandering mind. He hadn’t expected all the sounds and smells to bring about his own memories of confusion and loss.

Jared found Alex’s hand and held it. Immediately, she stirred and opened her eyes.

Alex struggled to identify the figure sitting by her bed. It was dark, and she still felt really out of it. She didn’t smell cologne, so she ruled out Gabe, though she had narrowed it down to a guy, because the hand holding hers was rough.

“Hey,” Jared greeted softly.

Alex squinted, not believing Jared was actually there with her. But there he sat, smiling easily, holding her hand.

She pulled her hand free, and waved awkwardly.

“How you doin’?” he asked, knowing she must be in pain.

She made a face, careful not to turn her head and aggravate her neck.

“It hurts, huh?” Jared asked, stroking the back of her hand.

She mouthed yes, surprised by his gentleness.

“Do you need anything? Want me to call anybody?” Jared asked, trying to keep his tone casual, though it did suck to see his friend in so much discomfort.

Alex just squeezed his hand, not quite knowing what else to do. She was grateful to have him there. And she knew there was really no point to calling up anybody else who wasn’t already here. They obviously didn’t want to be there. Alex closed her eyes, trying to ignore the hurt that realization sparked inside her.

She had thought she had friends she could count on. But when it came down to it she was on her own. No one she expected to be there for her was there. Only Jared. Someone she’d spoken with maybe twice. It was nice to have someone there, but Alex selfishly wished that Gabe would show up, or someone that she knew a little better.

It was so difficult to be in a position where she couldn’t speak. There was so much she wanted to say, and yet she knew it would kill if she tried. At the same time, at least then she’d know she could talk.

“No…” The word wasn’t more than a hoarse whisper. Jared could barely hear it.

Alex regretted her decision right away, and even feared that she might have done some kind of damage. Hurting that much wouldn’t be possible without evoking some kind of consequence.

She shut her eyes, and hoped Jared wouldn’t call her on her stupidity.

But he was quiet. And he stayed – a reassuring presence at her side, while Alex fumbled for the nurse button.

--

Over the next day, people didn’t show up, as Alex had hoped. She had dealt with the pain, all but alone until Jared had returned, this time bringing Andrew and Belle with him.

Alex was elated, but felt her emotions were out of place, especially when she saw Belle.

The girl had gone pasty white, and she didn’t seem to be able to coax herself past the doorway. She looked terrified.

Alex tried to ease her mind, hating to see Belle so upset by this. She gestured her in, mouthing “It’s okay,” and willing her to understand.

“Hey Alex,” Andrew greeted warmly, embracing her in a huge bear hug.

She hugged him back fiercely, hoping to convey how much she had needed that.

“Belle, come on,” Andrew invited, walking back and trying to get his friend in the room.

Meanwhile, Jared made himself at home beside her, mocking the television that was on the relaxation channel.

“This channel, is, like, the most pointless channel known to man,” he exclaimed. “What are you watching this for?” he demanded, a smile pulling at the corner of his lips. “Do you think it’ll actually relax you? It doesn’t.” he insisted.

Alex laughed silently, relieved that Jared had come back to see her when she was feeling a little more like herself.

“Seriously, you gotta change the channel. This one will just make you more stir crazy, and we all know you don’t need that,” Jared reached through the rail on her bed, and tried to grab the remote.

Alex swatted his hand away, grabbing it and turning the television off, preferring Jared’s personality to the TVs drone.

Jared looked over his shoulder and saw that there was still no progress at the door, so he continued with his tirade about the pointlessness of musical television channels. Only when he bored himself did he change topics.

“What’s for lunch today, kiddies?” he asked, lifting the lid on the tray that looked to have sat untouched.

Alex knew he was making fun of the décor. She’d been put in the children’s wing, and what better place? Alex was thrilled to have a room with peach color on the walls and shell wallpaper. It was much more fitting than a stark, boring room that she would have been placed in, if they hadn’t all been full. She smiled at God’s humor, knowing that only He could pull of something as perfect as that.

“Oh disgusting,” Jared quickly replaced the lid, after taking in the unappetizing selection on the plate. “You want some McDonald’s? There’s one around, you’re not on a restricted diet or anything are you?” he wondered.

Alex looked at him witheringly, and then shifted in bed and slapped her thigh. She gave him a long hard look, until he conceded.

“I’ll take that as a no,” he breathed, trying not to laugh.

Quietly, Jared maneuvered around Andrew and Belle and took off to find his friend some fast food.

At the doorway, Belle still hedged. Andrew couldn’t understand it. She could deal with everything. She’d had people mock her for her faith. She’d been to other countries where the people were closed off to hearing the gospel. She’d even been looked down on by friends who presumed her to be fake, and this - seeing Alex in a hospital - was what looked like the last straw.

Andrew had tried the whole time to get Belle to come in. He’d tried to take her out to the waiting room to talk, but she hadn’t moved. She hadn’t spoken either. Belle had just stood there, looking like she might vomit.

Jared returned minutes later with McDonald’s, happily delivering it to Alex, after hiding the bag in his jacket.

At the door, Andrew tried to wait Belle’s strange behavior out.

She looked skittish, and childlike, as if the idea of walking in the hospital room was just too much. Belle felt horrible stalling, but she just couldn’t bring herself into such a vulnerable place. She felt sure that going in there would strip her down to nothing but what she was – just unsure and horribly afraid of failure. Belle prepared to wait it out – to overcome this, just as she had done so many times before.

But nothing changed, and in a matter of seconds, Belle fled.

In seconds, Andrew came to life and went after her, and Jared whispered a quick apology and took off after them both.