Chapter 10: Act

Harper couldn't stop shaking. Her heart felt like it was about to beat out of her chest and she kept randomly crying. She felt like she was going crazy. She said she was fine. She told Emma she was fine. But she wasn't.

She wasn't.

She really wasn't.

No one else knew Harper had these things happen to her. She didn't even know what they were. She just knew they felt wrong. Like her body was out of control. It happened when she got too scared, and sometimes, for no reason at all. One happened in front of Lexie once and she didn't know what to do either. She asked if she should go get her mom, but Harper hadn't wanted that. She'd just wanted to be able to breathe normally. To calm down.

But after Noah lost his mind and threatened to break her door down, was it any wonder that Harper couldn't get it together? She'd taken refuge on her bed, the top bunk, which she never did. She buried herself under all the blankets, and waited for the tears to stop.

She had sneaked out long enough to hear Emma's big speech to Noah, and it made Harper so furious. Even after everything he did, Emma still put him first! It wasn't fair. Emma was supposed to be on her side, but as usual, she liked Noah more. Everybody liked Noah more. Didn't matter how bad he screwed up. He had Liv talking to him and Emma talking to him. Twice!

How many heart to heart conversations had Emma and Liv had with her? Try zero. That was how many!

Since it felt better to be angry than it did to be afraid, Harper channeled that anger into a note to Emma. It would serve her right. She couldn't even be bothered to write back to Harper's last note. See how she liked not being allowed to write back at all.

“Harper?”

Well, speak of the devil. Harper ignored her, and kept writing. Her heartbeat was slowing down. So was her breathing. The shaking was still happening though, but she still made it not show too much in her writing.

“Harper, I wanted to talk to you.”

Sure she did.

Harper finished her note and folded it, cramming it through the crack under the door.

She listened on the other side of the door while Emma picked up the paper, unfolded and read it.

[Note from Harper reads: " Emma- IDEK why I am writing since you obviously don't care at all.  How many times has Noah been given that belonging speech?  A lot.  EVEN AFTER SAYING HE WOULD BREAK DOWN MY DOOR!  He gets rewarded for being violent!  And you just say "Are you okay?" to me.  I see how it is.  As usual.  Don't write back."]

“Okay. I understand that you're mad. I'll be back in a little while to check on you again. And whenever you're ready to talk, let me know.”

Harper threw her shoe at the door and it made a satisfying clunk.

She would never be ready to talk. Emma had ruined everything.

[Image is Emma's response to a previous note by Harper, asking why Emma was being so nice to her.  It reads:  "Harper, I'm being nice to you because I believe we should treat everyone with compassion.  It isn't a trick, though I understand how you might think that - especially if people haven't treated you kindly.  I do mean it about respecting you.  Very much.  I am not angry.  How can I show you that?  Emma."]

Dinner was yummy. Macaroni and cheese and hot dogs. Josh's favorite.

Josh smiled because Daniel was back for real not make believe. He colored a picture for the box. He was happy because Daniel was back. Orange Josh's favorite color.

[Image is Josh's drawing, an orange scribble with a cat sticker.]

“What's this?” Liv asked.

“Happy Daniel,” Josh grinned.

“Daniel's happy?” she questioned.

“No,” Josh shook his head. He pointed to himself. “Happy Daniel.”

“Oh, you're happy Daniel's back!” Liv smiled. “I am, too. Emma found him. Should we find her and say thank you?”

“Kay.”

Josh looked all around and saw Emma coming up from downstairs. He made thank you with his hands.

“Hey, buddy,” Emma said, no smile.

He tried again.

Liv helped. “Josh told me he's very happy that Daniel's back and he wanted to tell you thank you for finding him.”

“Oh, you're welcome. Why did you put Daniel down in the laundry basket? That's silly!”

Josh shook his head. “No.”

“You didn't?” Emma asked. “I wonder who it was.”

Ari stomped by. Angry. “Zoey was dropping a whole bunch of stuff down there this morning.”

“Couldn't convince Harper to come up for dinner?” Liv asked.

“No, she's upset with me. Thinks I prioritized Noah above her, and that I don't care about her.”

Josh listened, in Liv's arms. He saw an owie on Emma's neck and touched with one finger.

“Owie?” he asked. Josh pointed to his own neck. “Owie?”

“Yeah, we're the same, aren't we?” Emma asked. “This is a scar,” she pointed to her neck.

Josh thought of lions.

“It's where doctors helped me when I was little and couldn't breathe. They made a place for a little tube to help me breathe.”

Josh made “me, too” with his hands.

“That's his way of saying “me, too” Carter said.

“Thanks. Carter. That's right. Doctors helped both of us breathe, didn't they. Me when I was a baby and you.”

“Hospital,” Josh nodded.

“Right.”

“Hit by a car,” he added.

Emma made a sad face.

“But you're all better now, aren't you?” Liv asked.

Josh nodded.

He liked being the same. And all better.

[Image is: Emma's response to Harper's angry note.  It reads:  "Harper, I can see you're mad.  I care about you and I can see how it would feel like I care about Noah more than you but that is not true.  I wanted to let you know you can go to Lexie's tomorrow if you want, as long as you leave after morning chores are done and are back by 5 PM.  If you need me for anything you can always write, call, text or come find me.  You matter,  You matter.  We'll get through this.  Emma."]

Liv set Josh down and sent him to go play with Carter in the living room. He didn't need a bath tonight and there was still half an hour until she needed to start his bedtime routine. Noah was laying low in his room since helping clean up dinner. Ari and Charlie were there, too, Ari teaching Charlie how to play the card game California Speed.

“So, it's been way too long since we touched base about what's going on around here. I need to know what went down with Noah and Harper. I could hear him carrying on all the way upstairs.”

“Yeah, well, it wasn't pretty. He was going around looking for something he had lost. Checking all the rooms. Harper wouldn't let him in and he started threatening to kick the door in. Pounding on it, rattling the knob and screaming at her.”

“Did you deal with it?” Liv asked.

“I sent him upstairs for a second to return Daniel, so he could calm down. Checked on Harper who texted that she was fine. I talked to Noah. Made it clear he's not allowed to go out today, though he tried to get me to let him.”

“I bet.”

“Made it clear violence was unacceptable, which he already knows and I obviously want him to do something kind for Harper to make up for freaking her out, but I think I need to give her space.”

“You think Harper's freaked out?” Liv asked.

“You weren't down there. He freaked me out, Liv.”

“You said she's mad at you?” Liv remembered. “For talking to Noah first?”

“Or something? She wrote me a pretty angry note and told me not to write back, when she's been really receptive to it before. So I'm trying to be sure I check in with her whenever I'm down there. Knock on the door, ask how she is. I need you to help out, too. It isn't good for her to stay in there all the time, but I don't think forcing her to come out before she's ready will help either. And yes, I did talk to Noah first because I couldn't have him going off like that on any of the other kids, who don't have a lock at their disposal.”

Liv sighed. “Right. You did the best you could. It's triage. Of course I'll help, but what a mess. I'm talking to Noah. Letting him know he's housebound tomorrow as well for that nonsense he pulled. He's got no business threatening people no matter what's going on.”

“How's Ari? Did she finish her sentences?” Emma asked.

“Not happily and not easily, but yes, after an hour, they were done.” Liv nodded.

“Gosh, I hate puberty...” Emma sighed. “I know it could just be that, too, but...”

“...But would you wanna be going through that by yourself?” Liv asked.

“Heck no,” Emma replied.

Liv stopped by Noah's room and told him in no uncertain terms that he was staying home tomorrow for the scene with Harper's door, and he would be kept busy. If she heard one peep out of him about how this was unfair, Liv had no qualms about updating Grace in full about his behavior. Liv watched his eyes get big and waited for him to nod in acknowledgement.

“And I want you to be thinking of some way to make up for what you did to Harper. An apology's a start, but I think we both know that's not gonna cut it.”

“Okay,” he said, still sulking.

“I need you to come out and help Emma keep an eye on the kids upstairs while I run down and throw some clothes in the dryer.”

Noah sighed, and dragged himself away from his laptop. Liv waited until he was in the living room, watching the Disney movie Ari and Charlie had playing as background noise and left Emma and Carter to help Josh get ready for bed. Carter was eager to bring Josh his snack.

Liv stopped by the laundry room and got busy folding a load of jeans.

She heard a door open across the hall. Harper's, she was sure. Liv kept busy. Was careful not to over react. A moment later, Liv felt the girl's presence in the doorway of the laundry room and glanced up.

Harper was guarded, wearing her fleece Christmas blanket around her shoulders. She was still as moody as ever, holding two pieces of paper out to Liv. “Can you please give Emma her stupid notes back? I said I didn't want them.”

Liv waited, folding jeans. She knew silence was a great thing to practice around these kids. Not to ignore them, but to listen. To give them space to talk, should they want to. Liv knew Grace and William were not overly concerned about Harper. Not with four – and now six – foster kids who also demanded attention. Harper brought home straight As. She had skipped two grades. She was helpful and respectful. If she liked to spend time alone in her room once in a while, who could blame her?

But Liv knew firsthand, that even the best parents had kids who fell through the cracks. That no one bothered to oil the wheel that didn't squeak. Even if Harper was absolutely fine, she still needed time and attention just as much as the other kids.

“Noah gets to go out tomorrow, too, right? Same as always? And I bet he gets to stay out until curfew, right?” Harper asked, her tone clipped.

Liv kept folding, keeping her eyes on her work. “Noah,” she said deliberately, “is staying home tomorrow. He'll be doing whatever household chores Emma or I can come up with. When he is allowed to go out again, the same rules will apply for both of you. You can go out after morning chores if you're home by dinner.” Out of the corner of her eye, Liv caught Harper's raised eyebrows. “You okay?” she asked, acting on instinct.

“Is it all an act?” Harper asked, dodging the question.

“Is what all an act?” Liv wondered.

“You. Emma. Are you pretending to care or do you actually, like, care?

“We actually care,” Liv said clearly, looking Harper in the eye. “It's no act.”

Harper stood by, watching Liv fold clothes.

“Adults make mistakes just like kids. Doesn't mean we stop caring.”

“Mistakes like what?” Harper pressed.

Liv cocked her head.

“What would you consider a mistake adults make?”

“Well...my parents wanted me to do everything just like them. Go to the same college. Major in the same things. Get the same job. I had different dreams for myself.”

“You went to college and you're working in customer service,” Harper pointed out. “That was your dream?”

“Dreams change. Customer service might not be glamorous...might not be my calling...but it pays the bills. Sometimes, you need to adjust your dream to fit with what reality presents.”

“What if you don't have any dreams?” Harper asked.

“You don't have dreams, I think that means you lack confidence in yourself. That's okay. I was so shy at your age. What you need are people to boost your self esteem. To believe in you. To show you you can dream big or small. It doesn't matter, just start somewhere.”

“What if you don't have any people?” Harper asked.

Liv spread her arms, now free of denim, in mock offense. “Am I or am I not standing right here? I am your family. I am your people.” Walking over, Liv stood in front of Harper, and gently tipped her chin up so they were eye to eye. “I believe in you. I love you. You matter.”

Harper looked away, clearly uncomfortable. “That's what Emma said...”

“It's true. You do. You matter very much. You matter to me, and you matter to Emma and Lexie, too. That's three people you matter to, right there.”

“I don't trust Emma right now.”

“That's fine. It's fine to be however you are.” Liv said and she was shocked when Harper grabbed her hard around the middle and just as quickly let go, and walked away, as if nothing ever happened.

–

Zoey came back from her contact feeling the bestest ever. 'Cause you know why? Everything was okay. She saw Kenzie and Sage and Royal. She didn't see Daddy yet but Ollie said he was coming. Not like the meanie social worker lying liar.

She said Daddy went away and was never coming back and there was a special thing tomorrow far away so the family could go say bye. Ollie said no way they were never gonna go there and Zoey was glad. She didn't want to go. It wasn't even true anyway. Her daddy wasn't gone. Pinkie Pie magicked him back alive.

He was coming.

Really.

She believed Ollie more than she believed that social worker. If Ollie and Pinkie Pie both said Daddy was coming, then he was definitely coming.

“How was it?” Emma asked.

“Great!” Zoey answered, bounding in and taking off her coat to hang up. “I saw my sisters!”

“Awesome! Did you have fun?”

“Yeah, we watched Frozen!”

“Oliver, did you have fun?” Zoey watched Emma ask.

Ollie did a tiny nod.

“Well, it's almost bedtime, Zoey so I want you to hop out to the kitchen and get a snack from the snack box, okay?”

Zoey hopped like a bunny the whole way. She chose some peanut butter crackers, even though she really wanted cupcakes.

Daddy made really good peanut butter and jelly cupcakes like a real chef. Peanut butter crackers weren't as good, but Zoey could pretend.

She was the best at pretending.

–

Carter lay awake that night listening to Josh's loud breathing. It wasn't his fault he breathed loud. He just did.

He couldn't sleep. He never could before contact. There was too much going on in his mind. Like, would they have dinner together? Would his mom be happy or sad? Would his dad get mad at the lady who was supposed to write down what they did together? Would Cam and Cora cry? Would they be glad to see him?

Carter wanted to ask Josh how his contact was, but Carter was pretty sure Josh was just glad to be back with them. He was a baby, practically, when he first got to live here. That's what Grace and William always said. It was hard for him to remember another life.

Sometimes, Carter wished it was hard for him to remember another life. But that was the problem. Carter remembered too good.

But he pretended he had his red play dough shield, all hardened and strong, keeping back all the bad thoughts. He thought of The Avengers instead and TMNT. That was much better. But Carter couldn't keep thinking about TV forever or his brain would get all mushy. He wondered if Liv or Emma remembered he asked for another snack today.

Very quiet, Carter walked to the bedroom door leading to the kitchen and opened it. He saw Oliver putting a note inside the box.

[Image is Oliver's note.  It reads:  "Is it okay that Zoey has the wrong idea about something important if I am trying to protect her?"]

“Aren't you supposed to be in bed?” Oliver asked and Carter made a face. So many people telling him what to do, when Carter already knew exactly what to do.

“Back to bed,” Liv said from out of nowhere and Carter jumped.

“Did you get my note about extra snack today please?” he asked.

“Yes, and you got an extra cheese and crackers, remember? It's in your drawer with the rest of your food.”

“My food drawer's empty,” Carter said, worrying.

Liv walked over and opened it up. It was filled with snacks, even some new kind he didn't remember them having like chocolate snack cakes.”

“Did you do this?” he asked, sending Liv a sneaky smile.

“Maybe,” Liv allowed, doing one back. “Come on, let's tuck you back in.”

“You pray, right?” Carter whispered in the dark. He knew Liv did.

“I do.”

“Tonight, for your bedtime prayers can you pray for my real mom and real dad and my real brother and sister? Just say, Carter's mom, Carter's dad, and Cameron and Cora. Say a prayer that they're all okay and we have good times together.”

“I can do that,” Liv nodded. “Good night. I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Wait,” Carter said in almost a normal voice. “Can you also pray I have good dreams tonight? It's important.”

“I can pray for you and your family right now. Would you like that?” she asked.

Carter nodded, and then he listened as Liv prayed to God for him. Carter didn't believe in anything, but Liv didn't make fun of him for it. He listened as she talked to God about all the things he asked her to pray for, and a special quiet voice. It almost made him want to fall asleep.

“If you have bad dreams tonight,” Liv whispered, smoothing his hair back. Carter liked it when she did that. “Just dream about me being there, too.”

“You'd come to a fiery hot pit of lava?” Carter whispered, snuggling under the covers.

“Carter, if you needed me, I'd come anywhere.”

–

Harper heard a tap on her door and rolled her eyes. She heard Emma calling in to say goodnight. She stayed and waited to get a response but Harper was really good at giving the silent treatment. Emma had come down and knocked a few times to ask how she was, and Liv, too, but Harper convinced herself it didn't mean anything.

Harper was busy putting her blankets and pillow on the floor when a piece of paper appeared under her door. Harper didn't want to care about it. Didn't want to read it. But she had to admit there was some reason she held onto Emma's other notes. Liv hadn't taken them. And Emma hadn't listened. She kept writing, even though Harper said it wasn't what she wanted. There had to be some reason she kept them in the shoe box with this one note from Lexie that she read when she felt totally alone.

Here was another note, not even folded, just with writing all over it, waiting for Harper to read.

Did she want to read it?

Did she even care what it said?

She tried ignoring it. Tried facing her head away from it and playing on her phone. But nothing worked. That piece of paper was still there on her floor. And it was different than the grocery list paper Harper usually wrote on. In the end, that was enough to cause her to give in and open it. Emma had never written to Harper first. She usually only wrote in response to something Harper said.

This, though, was different, because Emma wrote first and she never wrote first:

[Image reads: "Dear Harper, I am so sorry for hurting your feelings.  You're a great kid and the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you.  I wish you could believe that.  Thank you so much for being so honest with me.  Even about being mad.  I always would rather know i I have done something to hurt you, so I can try to fix it.  I understand you're still upset with me, but whenever you are ready, I am here.  Whatever you need, okay?  Also THANK YOU for reading to the girls when Josh had his seizure.  I really really appreciate that, and how reliable you are with your chores.  Emma"]

It was the first note from Emma today that Harper didn't want to wrinkle up or ask Liv to return. She put it carefully in the box with the others, and put the lid on top before she slid it back under the bed.

It wasn't like Harper was ready to pretend nothing happened. She wasn't ready to write back or anything. But it was a start.