Chapter 12: Tame

 Noah worked hard for a long time. He did everything asked of him and did it well, so Liv wouldn't find anything wrong with it. He needed to make sure everything was looking good, because he needed to call his mom. With Carter's contact hours away, Noah felt more sure than ever that his mom needed to know what Carter had said, in case it meant he was in danger actually seeing his parents.

He approached Liv after lunch, having been kept busy since breakfast. She surveyed the windows and nodded her approval. They didn't normally wipe them down, but Noah was sure Liv was just looking for things to keep him busy.

“Looks good,” she nodded.

She'd just put Josh down for his nap. Carter, Zoey, Charlie, Ari and Oliver were arguing over what movie to watch and Emma was trying to mediate, suggesting this lame movie or that one. There weren't many great movie options to include when they had to be appropriate for two five year olds.

Noah exhaled. He sat down at the kitchen table and Liv did the same. “Listen, I need to ask permission for something and it's serious,” he began.

“I'm listening,” Liv nodded.

“I know you took my phone and I know why and all that...but I need to talk to my mom. It's important. She always told us to tell if one of the kids told us something they should know...and I've tried to get a hold of her and it's been days. But I need to do this now,” Noah finished, trying to stay calm.

Liv was silent a long time, thinking. “All right,” she agreed. “I am trusting you, big time right now, do you understand?”

“Yes, ma'am,” Noah said, nodding.

He stayed at the table while Liv unlocked his parents' bedroom door and got his phone. Luckily the battery hadn't drained too much. He took the phone into his room and closed the door. Then he tapped “Mom” on his phone screen and waited.

“Noah? What is it?” she answered sounding concerned.

“Mom? I need to tell you something. It's about Carter...”

–

“You let him use the phone?” Emma asked, incredulous.

“I gotta trust him sometime. He said it was an emergency.” Liv pointed out.

Emma nodded, understanding. “So, how do you think it's going?”

Liv closed her eyes. “It's like whack-a-mole,” she said quietly. “We deal with one thing and another one pops up.”

Emma nodded. “It's exhausting.”

“Things with Harper going okay?” Liv asked.

Emma squinted. “I think so.” She dropped her voice to a whisper so there was no chance the kids in the living room might overhear. “She came into my room in the middle of the night half asleep but refused to go back and sleep in her room. I think Noah really scared her.”

“He knows better than to do things like that. I have no idea what's gotten into him.”

“Seems like he's dealing with a lot,” Emma offered. “Calling his mom with an emergency, losing an important picture...”

“Speaking of calling his mom, I better go and be sure he hasn't decided to call Jimmy John's and order himself a sub sandwich when he's done talking to Grace. ...Actually...” she said, catching sight of Ari standing up and wringing her hands. “That might have to wait.”

–

Ari could feel it building inside her. The panic that came whenever she knew she was going to have to ride in cars. It wasn't like this was a new thing. She'd done it at least eight times before. Sixteen if you counted the rides back. Didn't mean any of those times sucked any less than the first, though.

Grace and William tried to calm her down. They tried to reason with her. To encourage her. But nothing worked. Here's the thing no one got, though.

Car rides didn't just suck, they were brutal. Ari spent them on high alert with her heart about to pound out of her chest and her breathing speeding up. At worst, she just kind of shut down and her mind went somewhere else when it got to be too much.

She never used to be this much of a freak. But the accident...the one that killed her dad and left her with a weird scar on her forehead...that had changed everything for her. Maybe it would have been okay if there was any help anywhere anytime soon. But there wasn't. And she had tried, but she hadn't been able to keep her dad alive. The minutes it took help to show up ticked by like hours.

Anyway, ever since then, Ari had been kind of a freak about cars. Only Carter had seen just how big o a freak she was. The only cool thing he ever did was not make a big deal about her losing it. It was like he understood. And she guessed, maybe, he did.

She wandered out into the kitchen, interrupting Liv and Emma from talking about all of them. Ari didn't care. After she got punished and had to write those sentences, Liv had talked to her and actually listened to the answers Ari gave.

It made Ari brave enough to ask Liv how she could make better choices when she was feeling overwhelmed. It was mostly because she didn't want to get in trouble and have to write sentences again, but also, because it was the kind of question she would have asked her dad, and one he would have taken seriously and answered honestly.

Ari was glad Liv had answered honestly, too. Because it gave her the courage to come out to the kitchen now and stand beside Liv like they had talked about. That way, Ari didn't have to try and think of what to say. She could just stand there, and Liv would hopefully get it.

Liv glanced up. “You need something?”

Ari bit her lip. She didn't know. Well, obviously she knew, but she didn't know what. It was annoying, and the panic was coming, and Ari hated that she freaked out even before the car got here. It was like she couldn't even relax at all.

It was probably that Ari – who normally never shut up – was silent that gave Liv a clue. She squinted and turned to face Ari. “You need me?”

Ari nodded.

“I think I'll go check out Inside Out,” Emma said, standing and slowly making her way out of the kitchen.

When she was gone, Ari knew she had Liv's full attention, but she didn't have a clue what to say. Nobody had ever had the time to listen to her about this, and Ari never thought to pay attention to warning signs her body and mind gave her until Liv mentioned it.

“I'm glad you let me know something was bothering you. Can you tell me about it?”

“Contact,” she said in a low, raspy voice that didn't really sound like her. “I get freaked out in the car.” Her breathing was coming fast and shallow.

Liv guided her to a chair and held Ari's hands, which were gross and clammy. “Okay. I've got you. Feel my hands? Feel me squeezing? You squeeze the same. Just focus on me. Breathe how I'm breathing.”

Ari's skin was humming. Usually, hurting was the only way to get that feeling to go away. This was her first time trying something else and it was so scary. But her brain was full of instructions so she tried to follow them, squeezing back, focusing and breathing. It helped a little.

“I know you're scared and I wanna help you,” Liv said calmly. “I remember you told us before that riding in cars was a worry for you and that you didn't want us to make you.”

Ari nodded.

“I suppose you figured out that contact is something the judge decided on and we can't disobey the judge?”

Tears fell, and Ari let them. She felt weak, and stupid, but she let them. Liv had her sitting forward at the edge of her chair with her feet flat on the floor. She was still holding her hands. So Ari couldn't do the thing she usually did and redirect all the crazy emotions through beating her head on the back of the chair.

“It's too hard,” Ari whispered.

“I doubt that. It's hard, most definitely, but it's not too hard, because you've done it already. Carter will be with you. What else do you think might help? Anything comforting you can think of?”

“No,” Ari insisted. Nothing had helped before. Why would anything help now?

“What about that nice blanket you got for Christmas? Let's find that,” Liv encouraged.

Ari didn't want to, but she found herself letting Liv lead her by the hand downstairs to her room to find the blanket, which was spread over her comforter on the bed.

They brought it back upstairs.

“Now, this may be a little weird, but you let me know what you think.” Liv said, disappearing for two seconds and returning with a skinny perfume bottle. “This is my perfume from home,” she took off the cover and let Ari smell it.

It did smell like Liv.

“Now, my idea is, what if we spray a little of this on your blanket? Then, you'll have something soft to hang onto, and it won't smell as strongly like the inside of a car.”

“Yeah,” Ari nodded.

“What's going on?” Carter asked.

“She's helping me,” Ari allowed quietly. “She's helping me figure out how to make riding in the car easier.”

“I'm bringing my backpack,” Carter offered. “It's hanging up in the bedroom, but Josh should be up before we have to go, right?”

“Right,” Liv smiled.

Time passed too quick for Ari, and pretty soon it was 4:00 and the social worker pulled into the driveway. By now, Emma had offered her headphones and music to help Ari block out the sounds of traffic. It wasn't enough, though.

She was glad Emma stayed inside with everyone else and only Liv and Carter came outside with her. Carter and the social worker already knew about how bad this scared her, and Liv had promised to help. Liv walked out hanging onto Ari around the waist and hands. The blanket was around her. Carter held the headphones and his backpack.

“Look, Ari, Dudley's saying bye!” Carter offered, trying to make her smile.

Usually, the sight of the huge dog in the bay window at the front of the house, wagging his tail, was enough for her to crack a smile at least if she was playing in the yard, but today, right now, all it did was make Ari wish she was inside with Dudley. She wanted to bury her face in his smelly fur and forget all about this.

“Okay?” Liv asked. “You're doing great.”

Ari clutched Liv so hard she was sure it hurt, but Liv didn't say anything. She didn't even wince. She thought she might be okay, until the door opened. Then Ari felt her legs go all mushy underneath her. Liv was the only one holding her up. More tears were starting, and Ari didn't even think about being embarrassed – all she could think about was that dark stretch of road three months ago and the smell of blood and gasoline mixed in the car. The screech of the tires.

“I can't do this,” she gasped, tears streaming down her face. “I can't! Please, don't make me!”

“Okay. Look at me,” Liv coached. “We won't do anything until you're ready. And you won't have to do anything alone. I'll be here, and then Carter will be here. Right, Carter? You'll help Ari?”

Without being asked, he slipped his hand into hers and held on tight. He had dirt in the creases of his hands and under his nails, but she barely noticed. She squeezed back. She let Liv wrap the blanket around her and took the headphones from Carter with shaking hands. She put them on and pressed play.

Carrie Underwood started singing. She was no Lady Gaga, but that was okay. She never listened to country on the radio with her dad, so this was probably good.

She took a deep breath, and let go of Carter's hand so he could get in first.

–

Carter put his backpack on the floor and climbed in the booster seat thingy. Then he patted the middle seat for Ari to get in and sit next to him. He watched Ari put the blanket to her nose.

He was dressed in some new jeans with no holes and a nice shirt with a collar. He always tried to look his very best when he went to contact, so maybe his parents would be impressed and want him to be their little boy again. So far, it hadn't worked, but maybe this time it would. Carter even had on his nice shoes that he usually only wore to church. His hair was brushed and everything. Charlie was weird and kinda freaky, but she had a point about wanting to look nice for contact. He thought the sane way she did even if he always made fun of her for throwing a fit if her shirt got ruined or her hair wasn't totally perfect.

“Want some food?” he offered, but Ari couldn't hear with the music on. She held his hand like a velociraptor. Very tight with claws for fingers. But she wasn't banging her head, or crying or swearing or peeing. She peed from being afraid the very first time.

“You're doing good,” he said in a calm voice like Liv used. He touched Ari's hair like petting it. Usually she got mad at him for doing that, but now she let him.

When he saw her eyes look around very scared, he told her to shut them.

“I'll let you know when we're there,” he promised, lifting one headphone just a little. “Just close your eyes and pretend you're somewhere else. Like that Cold Stone store with all the billion flavors of ice cream we went to on my birthday.”

She tried to smile but her skin was pale and cold but kind of sweaty.

It was okay, though. Carter would take care of her. He was awesome at taking care of people. He did it for his brother and sister their whole lives. All the way back when he was two, he started taking care of his brother and then his sister, too. So he was very used to it.

It felt kind of good to need to take care of somebody again. Like things were right inside of him. Plus it let him practice for when he saw his family in just a few minutes.

It was gonna be so great. Carter couldn't wait to see his mom and dad and brother and sister. For a few hours, he felt like a normal kid. Getting to be with his regular family and not a foster kid. Maybe he would show them his homework assignment he got a “plus” on. It was his first “plus” ever. He'd showed it to them before, but Carter never got tired of showing it to them and he always carried it in his backpack, just in case someone might want to see.

Maybe his mom and dad would be doing the right things now and the judge would say they could go back and live with them. Maybe they would say sorry for all the mean and scary things they did to him. Maybe they could start all over and be happy.

Carter felt a strange tug inside him and made himself look out the window to blink back the tears. He wanted to be with his family more than anything, but it was hard to think about his mom and dad changing and being nice to him. He also really wanted to stay at William and Grace's and have pancakes for breakfast and know people cared if he went outside alone, or got hurt, or did good at school.

His stomach hurt a little. He wished it didn't. Maybe some Mountain Dew at contact would help. His mom usually had quarters. Carter could hear Kelly Clarkson singing through Ari's headphones. He wished he had some music and his soft blanket to distract him, but Ari needed them more.

When they pulled in the parking lot, Ari bolted out of the car, leaving everything behind. Carter grabbed it and brought it inside with him, knowing she would probably want it when she had to get back in the car.

They were let in by the security people and Carter felt his fists clench at the smell inside. He felt the same as when he went to the doctor because he never knew what was going to happen. Ari's mom was right there, they said, and she got to go right back to the green room. He was going to the orange room but nobody in his family was here yet, so he sat and waited with the social worker.

If he got the red room, his family probably would have been on time.

The social worker tried to get Carter interested in toys or books but he didn't care about any of that. He sat with his backpack on his lap and held it tight. He heard a familiar whine and glanced up.

“Cora!” he said, and ran to see her. She shied away from him and hid her face.

Carter tried to squash down the bad feelings. It wasn't Cora's fault she got like this every time. A few minutes in the orange room with a good TV show and some snacks and Carter knew she would be okay. He hoped Cam and his mom and dad were right behind her. Cameron came, but their parents didn't.

The social worker said they could go to the orange room anyway and play while they waited.

Carter watched the clock, while he made them snacks of microwave popcorn, bottled water, cheese and crackers, snack cakes and chips while they played Candyland. The hand kept moving around and around the clock face, but the door to the orange room never opened, and their parents never came.

“It's okay, guys,” Carter reassured when Cam asked where Mom and Dad were. “They're working really hard to get us back, I bet. That's why they can't be here right now.”

But inside, Carter knew the truth. His mom and dad didn't care about him at all.